For people who wanted background, I'm writing this post. There were so many comments in the last one I'm just starting a new one.

The reason why I called my post son being bullied due to SD is because that's basically what happened, but I should have just added the word "more" at the end. DS is short for his age, has acne and he's a bit of a nerd. He's always had 1 or 2 friends, not really a social person like my daughter, never has been. He was in Catholic school but my ex has said he couldn't keep paying his part for HS (and I can't afford it on my own, and our scholarship application was denied). I figured there was nothing wrong with public school so registered the kids there, but this means the cliques from middle school have formed and he's going in there basically alone.

Since the beginning of the year there were problems with teasing and some hall shoving (when people intentionally bump into you) but after this nickname things intensified so much. There were no tears before SDs comment. That incident was the catalyst to DS just having a normal bad time in high school to having a real problem.

As for the commenters saying I should talk to my son and listen, of course we have done that, and he's been skyping with my ex so he has that line of communication open as well. We are addressing that side of it in many different ways because it's OK to talk about bullying. It's not ok to bitch about a COD and that's what I wanted to do here, a venting site for stepparents.

DH loves SD so much and thinks my son should develop a thicker skin so there's not much use bitching about SD to him (although I still do and he's pretty good about at least listening). None of my friends or family friends have stepkids so previously the few times I have brought the whole ignoring us thing up I get the "Well SD had no choice who her dad married and all of a sudden shes sharing a house with 3 strangers, poor girl." So because I can't vent about her in real life I'm here.

There are only a few reasons why SD wouldn't like us - the most probable one was that DH and I met and got married in 7 months, so not much time to adjust before we moved in together. BM is in the family home so DH was in an apartment before, she actually has more space in the house we bought together. But BM and DH work late, so before my family she and SS had the run of the house and since I work from home about half the time and my kids are here after school they don't have as much quiet time or alone time.

Second reason, I'm a very affectionate person and so I was very affectionate with DH (hand holding, cuddling) in the beginning of a relationship so that my kids can see what happy partnership looks like and they don't think how my ex and I behaved towards each other was normal (mostly yelling). SD walked in on us having sex one time (BM dropped skids off of a full day early and we thought we were alone) so she probably soured after that as well.

Third reason, I tried to do waaay too much "family" stuff in the beginning and probably didn't let DH have enough alone time with his kids, I had good intentions of wanting us to mesh but that was a mistake. By the time the wedding came around she was just really quiet and I thought she needed time to warm up to us. But she just got colder.

SD is rude at home but its rude in a silent way. She says hello back if you say it first but otherwise nothing. You ask how her day was she says fine. You ask how the movie was she says funny. Never gives any personal info, never goes into any details, nothing. And when SS or DH or literally anyone besides the 3 of us ask her something she's bubbly and talkative. If we go in for a hug (we don't anymore) she kind of maneuvers away or just tells the kids please don't hug me. She doesn't do favors (if I know she's passing the store on the way back from tutoring and I text her can you pick up bread she ignores), and charges me $30 per hour to babysit, and that rate has been jacked up now that we have my and DHs baby, who she has expressed zero interest in. So every time she gives a one word answer it's like she's saying screw you. The difference between how she treats me and my kids compared to everyone else is night and day. For 6 years. And honestly I would have dealt with this attitude continuing because it could be so much worse, but her words are just knocking around in my mind. Someone commented that she repeated what she said because she was making a power play, to prove she was the biggest bitch in the house and she certainly did that.

Oh and I realized pretty early, like a year in, that I needed to give SD more space and time alone with DH, so I did back off a ton but even though I made that effort she was just getting into the preteen years so you know how that goes. The reason why we exclude her from things (and it's not often) is because if you don't want to be part of the family you shouldn't get the benefits of the family. And I'm not paying over $100 for a day at the water park for someone who is going to ruin pictures, not help with anything and ignore me all day. BM does have ROFR but obviously we want to make a point and it's not making a point if she and BM get their nails done or go shopping when she is supposed to be improving her attitude.

HRNYC, the reason I didn't answer your numerous written requests for background information yesterday is because yesterday was Sunday. My kids and I go to church. We have fellowship. It's also a device-free family day. And I have 3 kids, one of whom is a baby and two of whom need to get ready for school after being away. So try not to get exasperated so quickly by my delayed response.

Update: ExH emailed me and said that unless I voluntarily agreed to change the custody agreement I was in for a very long, very expensive custody battle. My lawyer said based on how hard he went during the divorce I was looking at minimum 30k to fight this with no guarantee I would retain custody since DS14 was old enough that the judge factored in his wishes and he was a judge's ideal candidate for a move, even a move 2000 miles away, due to the bullying. I have had long talks with DS, he really wants to go live with his dad and make a fresh start. He told me about the great Catholic school he and his dad and SM toured during Thanksgiving break which somehow my ex is willing to pay the full cost of now even though he wasn't willing to split the cost before. I have been seeing a therapist and my kids and I went in for therapy sessions to talk everything out. Thank god my DD is happy staying here with me and her friends. DS is now spending most of winter break with his dad, leaving the day after Christmas so he can get acclimated and begin the spring semester at his new school.

I've been holding it together okay (mostly). I know this is what's best for my son. He will be away from the bullies. And a teen boy probably needs dad more than mom. But the situation sucks. I'm much less angry about it than I was. I think I have come almost to a place of resigned acceptance.

I wish the skids weren't here for Christmas. I would love it to be just my 3 and DH. SD15 has chosen this moment to be much more smiley than usual. She has made several comments at dinner about how much DS will enjoy Boston and the snow and being with his dad. She even bought my bios Christmas gifts this year, which has not happened previously. I don't trust it. 60% of me thinks she is so happy and nice because she likes seeing me unhappy - she was the same way once before, after the baby was born and I was having serious postpartum depression. But DH insists that deep down she regrets what she said and is trying to make amends and by being friendly. Not buying it.