((Hugs)) I can't give you the speech. All I can tell you is a time comes when you accept there is nothing more you can do and you let go a little more at a time until it no longer has power over you. The last year has shown me how much harm it was doing to me. I cannot control it/ help it/ change it. It just is and always will be like this. I have my small wins, like a big loving hug then months of being dirt again. I take my wins and the rest I now let flow past me. I have not cried over Chucky for 2 months now. I do have not engaged with Jabba's drama in 8 months. MIL I am learning to tune out. Her vitriol is old and tired and leaving for the coast in just 5 months time. I am much happier and so is my DH and girls. Sending love and light. Peace will come if you let it.

My OSS went off the rails. His mother had her head in sand and argued with DH that OSS was fine and his grades are great because he told her so. OSS hated me because I held him to a higher standard than mediocre and he knew it. For 2 years we didn't talk. I did not involve myself in his life and lived my life. If he was visiting his father I kept out of his way. His attitude angered me. But I had my standards and boundaries. If he crossed them I told DH was going out to Hobby Lobby ...which is now a code word for "I am really pissed off and going to spend money."
In time OSS worked out that I wasn't mean. I just didn't think 'life lessons' was a way to raise kids. We now have a good relationship. I am more like an aunt than a s/mother and that works just fine for me.
If you stick to your guns and your boundaries it will get easier. One time I told DH I did not care what his ex had to say. He was quite capable of raising his sons on his time. So no more complaining about what ex said. And until I was able to be objective I just walked away from the drama.
It is a process learning how to manage this constant intrusion in your life. But your DH really needs to stop with the one-upmanship with his ex. Or he should go back to her and be miserable for the rest of his life.

Man are we in the same boat. My DD is going through the terrible ones' too! I got her on video screaming "ME! ME! ME! MINE!" I thought it was supposed to start at two. Nope.

Well I had two pseudo step daughters. I didn't not marry their dad. I had a pretty good relationship with the one who is now 14. The 16 year old one is a trainwreck. She just was allowed to sign up for twitter these past few months. Her little blurb about herself is about being high and staying high and f*(^ everyone and what they think. She is just a real joy as you can imagine and I've long since been disengaged with that one but now exSD14 is also turning into BM JR.

cheer up, things will get better.

after a bad weekend or day that involved some conflict or other with one of the kids, take a deep breath and tell yourself to start over. today is a new day.

u're an emotional wreck because you still care. and while it's a good thing to care, a very admirable quality, but it can also be very painful and soul-sucking. if your caring takes you to a dark place over and over again, you may need to practice more disengagement. from what you said, you are physically disengaged, but not emotionally.

and YES. disengagement does require practice. like any other developed skill you need to take yourself through a set of drills from beginning to end. the first step should always be a deep breath and a new beginning.

give yourself permission to start again. if u can do that, then tomorrow will always be better!