“And then what?”

This was the question that DH heard over and over again last night in our therapy session. While there was a lot to cover between the fallout from The List of Doom (TLOD) and the discussion about me moving out, we decided to start with ASS and his reaction to TLOD. Therapist asked how ASS was doing with TLOD. DH handed her a copy of TLOD – the one with ASS’s “eat a dick” connotations. Therapist just looked at it and said, “hmmm. So you gave him what he wanted and it still wasn’t enough.”

She then had a discussion with DH about how he has done everything that he can with ASS and implored him to have ASS evaluated. She said that she believes there is some mental illness brewing and she then went on to tell us about how the psychiatric community is hesitant to diagnose a personality disorder in a person under the age of 21. She told us that, in her opinion, ASS is ODD at the least and likely BPD. DH didn’t understand the differences in the two or why the community is hesitant to diagnose until age 21, so she explained it all to him. She also said that it’s certainly possible for one to have more than one personality disorder because they are frequently enmeshed.

DH began to fret about what will happen if ASS runs away when he turns 18. Therapist said, “let’s say he does. And then what?” DH talked about how ASS would be out on the streets and he wondered how he would survive. Therapist said, “by his own choice, DH. And then what?” Blah blah blah minimum wage job, blah blah blah never make anything of himself, blah blah blah learn the hard way. “And, then what? At what point are you going to make this kid take responsibility for his own actions? You get to live your life and be happy, DH.”

The conversation then shifted to the separate residences issue. Therapist asked me how I felt about it and I told her. She then asked DH why he brought it up. Blah blah blah at my wit’s end, blah blah blah gotta raise these kids, blah blah blah. Therapist stopped him in his tracks and said, “but if those things are true, why aren’t you demanding change from your children, too? Why is it all on WOB?” She also talked to him about what life would look like if I lived somewhere else, how and where he thought the two of us would spend time together, and that it wouldn’t solve anything anyway. DH said that “at least the kids would be happier” and that’s where I kinda lost it a little bit. So, everyone gets to be happy but your wife? Oh, ok, then.

Therapist said, “DH, I bet you don’t even realize that you exclude your wife from every aspect. You talk with the kids outside of her presence, you talk with her outside of their presence, you’re trying to make everyone happy and all you’re doing is making everyone miserable. When are you going to sit everyone down and tell them how it’s gonna be? This is my wife and I love her, you guys are my kids and I love you. You are all putting me in a shitty spot and it needs to stop.”

And that’s the crux of it all, really. DH preaches family and unity but does nothing to encourage that. In fact, he creates camps and then doesn’t understand why things don’t work out?

We ended a very long session with a brief discussion about how the skids are “afraid” of me and what bullshit that is. I actually told DH that the skids need to sack up a little bit and stop acting like tiny babies. Not sure he liked that, but it is what it is.

Therapist wants to see us next week, but DH is out of town and I will be in my own little piece of heaven hotel room. Still trying to decide if I will go see her on my own.

So, that's the serious update. I have a funny update, too. That one's coming up in a few minutes.