BM Seeking Advice Part 2
Ok - here is my attempted continuation of BM Seeking Advice (Part 1). Thanks for your patience.
So we're in 2012. It is two weeks after papers are signed, one week before daughter is set to go to his house for the first time across the country, and daughter is 5 (just old enough to fly on her own). He calls me and tells me he would like to introduce a woman he's been seeing to my daughter. I ask him if it is "SM", he says yes. I hang up and promptly pull a background check on SM (sorry, I know this sounds like crazy ex but my daughter was about to spend time with her - I wanted to know her deal). I pull the background check and it turns out that my ex and SM had been living together since 2010, had actually bought a $650k house together in 2012 right before I filed for divorce, and that when my daughter was going out to visit him, he was actually going out to visit "them."
Since then relations have been strained to say the least. We do not co-parent, and in fact my daughter's therapist has since diagnosed him with Extreme Narcissitic Personality Disprder. He had her during his limited time when she visits him, otherwise she's with me. My daughter's therapist has told me that there is no way that I can co-parent with him given his personality disorder.
SM and ex are getting married in April, at which point she'll become a true SM.
Here's where I need help.
I've never met SM and in fact the two times I've tried to reach out to her she's either ignored me or given me the hand. I still harbor a lot of anger over all of it. A part of me feels like at the very least she had to know she was defrauding a woman for years who was single handedly raising her bf's daughter on the other side of the country. (the fraud being the marital waste and fraud committed during the divorce proceedings.). I also feel very stupid about it all - like they laugh at me and about me every night for how they duped me.
However, part of me wants to think that SM is actually a fairly normal person who has been duped by the same guy I was duped by. She's nice to my daughter (based on my D's accounts), she's smart, and she's actually funny on the phone.
At the end of the day, I care most about my daughter more than my ego and know that I eventually have to come to terms with all of it and engage her on a professional level. Part of me feels this way because my ex is so screwed up, she may be an element of normalcy for my daughter when she's there. I don't know how to approach her though - and she's avoided all contact with me and I am sure has been told lies about me.
Anyway - that's my story. I'm typing this on the phone so it's disjointed I'm sure, but any advice is very welcome.
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Comments
Thanks for the comments. I
Thanks for the comments. I do have a legal claim against them for fraud, but I won't pursue it. Mostly because of my daughter - it's just not worth it to be in ongoing warfare with them. On my daughter's therapist, we both agreed to meet with the therapist individually with the understanding that the privilege attached solely to my daughter. The diagnosis came from about a year's worth of weekly telephone therapy between therapist and dad. Really sad, actually. I do struggle with what to do with all of it, and what the $&@# I am going to say to this woman. She's coming out for my daughter's bday and I am going to speak to and meet her for the first time in October. If there's a chance of having a decent relationship with her (since there is not a chance with him), I feel like I should try.
Well I'll tell you like I
Well I'll tell you like I tell the SMs on here, don't meet the BM or in your case don't meet the SM. There's absolutely nothing you two can do to make things better at this point. You admitted to still being upset with her and a little insecure about how "they" played you. But that's your assumption. For all she might know he was trying to divorce you the whole time or y'all were "on a break". It happens all the time. So that being said what exactly do you plan to say to her? I'm willing to bet a kidney your Ex made you seem like a horrible spouse whether you were or not. Most of the Stepmoms here can tell you how they've been told by their SO that THEY were the victims of the horrible BMs. Sometimes they are horrible but a lot of times they are equally to blame for the failed relationship but don't want to admit it. She probably already thinks the worst of you (if he's a narcassist as your therapist claims then he has bashed you to her and he is the victim) then nothing you have to say to her will change her opinion of you so don't even worry about it. I think your feelings are hurt now that you've discovered more about their affair but really it's over and done with. Y'all are divorced and shit has settled for the most part leave the rest of the communication between you two about your daughter only. And if youre really torn up about the whole insurance fraud then call the police/insurance with proof he did it and turn him in. I can't see how that will help your relationship with him but I mean if he's a narcissist then y'all will never get along anyway.
All totally true. I just
All totally true. I just feel like there might be a chance for a partially sane co-parenting relationship if she and I could figure out a way to connect, but I am sure that is delusional. I guarantee that he's painted me as a nut.
My perspective is that you
My perspective is that you and your daughter will be happiest with the most stability you can find in this situation.
1. I would not even dream of coparenting, I would go immediately to parallel parenting.
2. I would absolutely file the fraud / criminal charges and let the police and my insurance company pursue justice. If I had the coin, I'd also keep my attorney on retainer and hope to get some money back eventually. However, I would not hold my breath and I would take no further action myself, because I would much rather close that chapter.
3. I would be cordial and my normal nice self to the new SM, but I would not be friendly nor open whatsoever, and I would expect that she might show very bad manners towards me, as there's no way she has any idea of who you are or even who she's marrying.
4. I would also be cordial but otherwise non - communicative with the ex.
5. I would invest in my daughter. I would try to keep my fears and hurts regarding her dad out of my relationship with her, and I would try to arm her for her visits by teaching her to trust herself, and to accept other as they are. And how to handle it if you feel her safety may be in jeopardy.
I would say for your own
I would say for your own sake, do not have contact with SM unless you absolutely have to. In other words, if your daughter thinks she's nice, smart, etc, then there's no point in having anything to do with her. Your ex is the actual parent, so limit contact to only him and only regarding important things with your daughter.
My SD was older when my DH and I met, but I didn't actually meet BM until SD's high school graduation (after we were married, years into our relationship). Birthdays were separate, and I wasn't expected to act as a parent at all to SD, so contact was strictly between DH and BM. In my case, I think BM still goes to DH for emotional support when she shouldn't (SD is now 24 and they've been divorced for 15 years!) but BM would never know that I think that. I've met BM only 3 times ever. At SD's college graduation, SD had us go to a sorority party, and BM steered clear of us.
The fact that you are willing to let go of fraud etc shows that you are not one of the BM's many on here deal with, so I guess you just have to hope your dd doesn't have an SM who oversteps.
it sounds like he was
it sounds like he was planning a move for a long time, from before he stole from you. I can guarantee you that he has painted himself out to be the victim and you out to be the - frigid, loveless, cruel, mean, controlling, crazy, bitter, whatever whatever whatever, ex. He probably told her that he was in the middle of a divorce.
Of course he isn't going to tell her the truth, that he is a theif who was wining and dining her on money he stole from his ex, all the while trying to hide his income so that he could get out of supporting his own daughter. Whatever he did in the past is on him, he is a truely disgusting man who will always only think of himself first.
I think it it great that after all that you are thinking of your daughters needs first. That speaks volumes about you and your character. Unfortunately even if you do sincerely try to have a good cordial relationship with the sm, it will most likely be thwarted by your ex. He needs to maintain his status as the victim, and he can't be the victim if she sees that you aren't the nasty person that he most likely as painted you to be.
If I were you, I would make sure to get an iron clad custody arrangement and parenting agreement down. I would make sure to keep everything formal and businesslike.
As for the party, no no and no. It honestly sounds like you still have some unresolved feelings. He hurt you a lot, and that will take some time to get over. Don't put yourself and your daughter in an awkward position to appease your npd ex and stb sm. It will make it awkward for your family and friends as well, who know your story. It makes me so angry for you, but you need to be a strong person.
Dealing with a narcissist is
Dealing with a narcissist is not the same as dealing with an ex who you've simply split with. You cannot co-parent and you cannot believe anything they say.
His new wife thinks you are a crazy controlling BM and nothing is going to change her view. At some point she'll figure it out, talk to her then. Read these links and protect yourself and your daughter.
http://thewickedsurvivor.com/2014/02/20/understanding-the-narcissistic-s...
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.ca/2012/07/co-parenting-with-narcissist-s...
http://dianaiannarone.com/2014/01/25/a-very-detailed-look-at-the-disting...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parent...
http://family.lovetoknow.com/co-parenting-narcissist
http://happilydivorcedandafter.com/2014/10/14/my-narcissistic-ex-husband...
Sounds like your marriage was
Sounds like your marriage was over long before you divorced and your unresolved feelings are keeping you a prisoner to your past. I really hope you can find peace with yourself and truly if you are not going to pursue fraud charges than you need to let go of that anger and come to terms with your decision to not go after him. Here's the truth, you had a child with this man and while at the beginning break up was never a consideration, it's happened and he has rights to his daughter. It sucks that you don't trust him or his choice in partners but as long as your daughter isn't in imminent danger or at risk to being abused you have to let her have the relationship with her father and find her place in his family, and while this might sting - you are not a part of that. Your daughters relationship with her SM is THEIR relationship - let them have it. Allow your daughter the opportunity to be loved and be a part of something that doesn't include you...
SM may not even have known he
SM may not even have known he was still married. She may have no idea she was an affair partner. Guaranteed you were painted as some clinging vine he couldn't shake.
Do not try to make friends with the SM. She is not your friend. She is not your enemy. She is a random stranger who stumbled into the far outer reaches of your life. As Ladyface said, she would like to minimize the shadow you cast on her life.
Be cordial and friendly to the chick when you do see her for joint functions like recitals but don't try to become chummy. What's the point? So she can become your lieutenant in the field when dd is at dad's? That is never going to happen. She's going to run her house the way she wants to.
The best thing you can do is make it emotionally safe for your dd to like and love her. Chances are she's just as duped as you were -- the man's taste runs to nice women, yes? like yourself? -- and she'll be good to your kid. But she cannot save your child from her father any more than you can.