The lightbulb just went off. DH is a guilty daddy.
Why did I not see this before???
Last night we a huge discussion about paying for camps, extras, etc now that BM had won in court and we'd have to keep three kids in private school while paying for SS18 college. I told DH we didn't have money for camps - we were hugely behind on retirement. (BM was asking for $2500 for camps). He accused me of playing a "trump card."
Then he tells me SD16 called him crying because he couldn't give her the $150 he promised her for her weekend trip. I told him that's what CS is for, but if he felt he Must give something to give $75. After he dropped the check off I asked him "how much did you give her?" He told me $100, but he would take the extra $25 from his spending money. Ok DH.
Then this.... " I hate this. I hate living in this amazing house and telling skids I have no money." (I paid huge downpayment and for renovations - his half of mortgage costs less than when he was single). I told DH, but you didn't pay for house. You don't have money. Him: I know but that's not how it looks.
Now he wants to sell the goddamn house. I just got done renovating it! Half the shit I did benefitted him and the skids! Now he wants to move. He says he wants to go to a less expensive place. I told him he was already paying significantly less than the little house he used to live in. He said yes, but think if we bought a tiny house how much we could save! By save, he means spend on the skids.
I am all for frugality, but I am not cramming 7 people into s tiny house and living cheek to jowl with his four kids. That is a recipe for divorce. And we'd been hoping to have an ours baby. Where would that go? DH doesn't know, he just doesn't want to feel guilty that he lives in a nice house while skids live in BM shitty house. Of course they Love to visit our house now, have friends over. So I think they'd be pissed if we moved.
I fucking hate steplife today.
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Fuck that. What is WRONG
Fuck that. What is WRONG WITH THESE MEN???????????????????
That would freak me out to the point where the neighbors would hear me Freaking the Fuck out at DH if he said anything like that to me.
Holy crap on a cracker. That's takes the freakin cake.
I'm not sure how you were able to leave the conversation there WokeUp...? Aren't your insides grinding?
We are living different
We are living different cities and we're talking by phone. That's about the only reason I didn't heave his griddle (which I bought) off the special counter made for (which I bought) and out the new windows. Yeah I bought those too.
The insanity of it. We are a family of seven with an income well into six figures, and he wants to move us to a goddamn starter home so he doesn't ever have to say no to anything skids want.
Apparently my house, lol. He
Apparently my house, lol.
He says I am always talking about mine and his. That is true. I am very defensive. I simply do not trust him to look out for me. I mean he got a pay raise. He can choose to spend it on:
1. Camps for the kids.
2. Retirement
3. Ivf so we can have a baby.
His choice- #1 and oh let's sell the house! Then we can do 2 and 3!
But there's cash to do 2 and 3 right now. But then he'd have to stop handouts and extras to skids.
I know. DH is raising kids to
I know. DH is raising kids to be just like BM. Do shit you can't afford and figure somebody else will pay for it.
DH has a great job and just a raise. An extra job wouldn't help honestly. He just needs to learn the word "no."
Thank god for the prenup - if we divorce or sell I get all my equity back. I honestly want to tell him to move out and go back to paying MORE per month on his own. Asshole.
Here's a concept, tell the
Here's a concept, tell the kids... ready??... wait for it..... "No." No, you can't have any more money. Want money Get A Job.
Yup. That's it. It is
Yup. That's it. It is honestly this simple.
Tog, I did delete that blog.
Tog, I did delete that blog. There was too much recognizable in it.
I think I'm pretty clear in this blog that I did major renovations to the house so I'm not exactly hiding it. Here's the thing: the money I used to do it was my own. I spent it how I pleased. If I hadn't spent it on the house it would NOT have been available for DH retirement, SS18 college tuition, or skids extras. Those are DH responsibility.
I did pay for two rounds of IVF myself -DH didn't spend a dime. I wish I'd saved more for a donor egg or adoption (which is what I need) but I didnt. But I don't think it is ONLY on me to pay for IVF. DH can contribute too.
Well my attitude about money
Well my attitude about money is this: Anything we brought into marriage is separate. Anything we earn during marriage is ours together. We split household expenses more or less evenly. We are each responsible for paying for our own kids.
The money I brought into the marriage was mine. It didn't mean that I had to save it somewhere so that DH didn't have to save for retirement. The man makes a good deal of money, he can save for his own retirement. But instead he'd rather piss all his money away on skids. The man pays $50k in private school tuitions. Another $15k for SS18 college. And $30k in child support. But I'm supposed to save for his retirement?
Having a kid of our own was a deal breaker for me. If DH had not agreed to it, I would not have married him. The reason why I think he should help pay for IVF is because it is for us as a couple, and a necessity if we are to have a kid. SKids $2500 camps are a luxury. And you are seriously suggesting that we hold off on our dream to have a baby so he can Disney daddy the kids even more?
You make an intersting point
You make an intersting point Tog. I think overall we do spend WAY too much. I'm not sure I agree with your position that we shouldn't have another kid because "we" have five. We don't have five, I have one. DH has four. They aren't my kids. They're good kids and I like them but they don't fulfill the need I have for my own kids. I had my daughter very young and had to leave much of the parenting to my parents while I went to college, med school, etc. now I'm in my thirties and really want to raise a child.
But I think you're right that DH is maxed out financially with his four. Knowing that I desparately wanted to have kids, choosing a man with four of his own to support was probably a bone headed move. I think if "we" can't afford to have a baby, I will leave and have one on my own. Thankfully I have the option to do that.
OMG I am so shocked. Just
OMG I am so shocked. Just shocked and speechless. :jawdrop:
I can understand his point.
I can understand his point. I would hate to live in a great house(even if someone else made it possible for me to do so)and not be able to do some extra/fun stuff for my kids. I would rather live in a smaller/cheaper home.
If he can't afford the extras for the kids he have now, why would he agreed to have another?
He is already maxed out financially.
To play devils advocate, at
To play devils advocate, at least he proposed a solution. I'm not saying it's a great one or the right one but at least he recognizes there is a money issue and wants to fix it. I think u definitely have some room to work this out so that he can afford more it's just a matter if figuring out the best way.
He did and despite my
He did and despite my annoyance I'm giving it real thought. But if we sell I will take 100 percent of the equity out of the house and put it back in my own bank account. I will not "help" extra by making the downpayment or whatever. I already put my entire salary into the family pot. If we cannot afford the house he wants on our joint salary that is too damn bad.
If he doesn't want to look
If he doesn't want to look like his life is better off than BM's and doesn't want the children to think that he is hiding cash from them then he can live in a trailer or shed or garage of the house to make it clear that that is what he owns of the house/property and when the kids visit then they can stay there with him. That way they will also not experience the trauma of staying in a nicer place than their mothers house.
Love this! Yes he can get one
Love this! Yes he can get one of those tiny house kits and build it in the yard!
Thanks tausha. I feel like
Thanks tausha. I feel like you and I see eye to eye on all things financial.
I think that's exactly what will happen. It's not like we'll use the extra money to go on vacations. It will be "well we can't go on vacation because skids need x,y, or z." Skids are like a black hole when it comes to money. If we make more, they need more. If we cut our expenses we just spend more on them. He claims we will cut our expenses in order to fund IVF. That won't happen. He knows I will just use some of my equity in the house to pay for it, because it's so important to me. And he will have all this extra cash for step kids.
He did have a talk with the step kids about child support money. It did nothing. They have learned, like I have learned, that he talks tough but in the end will give them whatever they/BM want. And the court sided with BM on private school tuitions. He did get a better job, but like I feared all that extra money will go to step kids.
Just got off the phone with
Just got off the phone with DH. I told him I would sell the house but would be taking all the equity back. If he could find a new house that fit into the budget he proposed I would move. But had to promise we would use the extra money for IVF. His response? "I can't promise you that. I can't let you back me into a corner like that."
I then asked him about his year end bonus. This has been promised to him, and we know how much kids will cost for the following year. There will be money left over. I asked him if we could use that for IVF. His response? " We will discuss it when the time comes and reach a mutual agreement." I asked why if we knew costs and amounts now he couldn't promise. He refused to answer.
Ladies I seriously think I'm done. I love him very much, but if he isn't willing to have a baby with me and puts skids first that is a line in the sand for me. I really need to start considering divorce. I'd be better off having this baby by myself than raising it with a man who would never put it/us first.
Yes my fear has always been
Yes my fear has always been he didn't really want a baby. Or maybe he wanted it, but not more than he wanted other things.
I agree. I think the private school, plus the child support, plus the spending money is enough. But DH doesn't feel that way. He wants to be able to say yes to every camp, trip, whatever that they want.
Yes DH agreed to have a baby.
Yes DH agreed to have a baby. I would not have married him otherwise.
He did also agree to house, though now he only bitches about it.
All the other issues aside,
All the other issues aside, it really sounds like he doesn't want any more children.
It wouldn't be fair to him, you or your future child to force him to do something he clearly doesn't want to do.
I agree Disneyfan. I woke up
I agree Disneyfan. I woke up this morning and thought, if he's this resistant to even conceiving this child, how is he going to be when its born? Always put it behind the needs of his first kids? No thanks.
How can any rational person
How can any rational person think that selling a newly renovated house (that the skids love) and moving is way easier than just saying NO to those skids??
Just because BM can't budget and wants to live beyond her means doesn't mean that you guys can't have nice stuff.
All his waffling and that type of stuff would make me consider getting a divorce as well. It's not up to you to fund 100% of your marriage goals while he mainly funds his "first" family.
I do somewhat agree with Tog. If you guys went to a financial planner or a Dave Ramsey workshop, maybe your DH would get on board. With a little budgeting (including saying NO to certain things - including skid things), you should have enough money for everyone to be happy. Well, except the skids who are being fed BS by BM.
It is a valuable teaching lesson for the skids if he refuses to give. Well, little Johnny and Susie, because your private school costs x amount there is no extra money for this camp which is only for 2 weeks (or whatever). Education is very important and trumps wants. Your mother and I feel like you will get a better education if you are in private school so that is where we are choosing to put our extra money for you.
When I was a kid, my parents did NOT divorce. I still worked my butt off for money if I wanted something. I didn't just expect them to pony up. I went on trips with our church youth group. I worked every single fundraiser just to minimize the expense of me going on those trips. I think I am a better adult because of that ethic.