How do you divide money with your CS-paying partner?

Hi all:

My fiance and I both work full time, but he earns 2.5 times my salary. However after CS and other kid expenses, his take-home pay and mine end up being roughly the same. (He has three kids; I have none.)

He thinks we should split shared expenses 50-50. I think it should be based on percentages of our gross incomes.

I also spent a year working a part-time job on top of my FT job so that we could do things like take modest vacations and move from an unpleasant ghetto-ish apartment into a nicer, but still small and modest, rental home closer to his kids. These are things we both wanted, and we both agreed that he would pay me back for the extra money I spent for us to be able to afford these things. But now he's miffed that he owes me money.

Just wondering how some of you handle similar situations and what your rationale is.

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Percentage of gross income.

Percentage of gross income. Not your problem that he pays CS, and that's an obligation that is his and his only.

###### I'm going to amend my initial response ########

I think 50/50 of the NECESSITIES. But where it gets cloudy is doing things together -- like vacations, eating out, etc.

I make more than my DH, and obviously brought home even more than him when he was paying CS. We split necessities down the middle... but if he wanted extras, those were on him. For a while we weren't splitting anything, it was going into one big account but he was spending it left and right on his kids (yet I was bargain shopping for my kids??). When I split accounts, and gave him the spreadsheet (p.s., any debts I brought into the marriage I kept as my own, same with him) and he realized exactly how much I was subsidizing his new-found lifestyle.

My DH CS comes out of his

My DH CS comes out of his check along with the cost of health insurance. Like you, he makes more than me but with that taken out his take home is around the same as mine. My check is direct deposit - he will cash his and put 75% into the account. The cash he keeps is for little expenses like lunches, our dinners out, gifts for me and (the new thing) gas $$ to SS17 when he runs errands for us.

Our household expenses come out of my account. We both live in the same house, use the utilities, the cell phone bill is for his, mine and my mothers phone. We used to split it all but it became such a hassle trying to keep up on it all. We have found that by doing this we have alot more in our savings. We transfer $$ each month from checking to savings.

But I do have a "nest egg" of money that he does not know about

He wants to do 50-50 but my

He wants to do 50-50 but my perspective is that since he earns 2.5 times what I earn, the way we split our shared expenses should be more like 65-35 with him paying more.

I'm with Nitthisagain I made

I'm with Nitthisagain

I made much more than exDF. He had to pay CS to two BMs. Had we followed the % line of thinking, I would have been supporting his grown ass.

I didn't care how much he earned or what his prior financial obligations were. If he wanted to live with me, he needed to figure out a way to cover 50% of our living expenses.

Yes but thankfully he does

Yes but thankfully he does agree to this. He doesn't expect me to pay half the rent, utilities or groceries because our household expenses are much higher due to the kids and he know that's his repsonsibility. The disagreement comes into play over things like vacations he and I take together, our date nights, furniture for the home, etc. He wants me to pay half which I don't think is fair due to the large discrepancy in our incomes.

Well I don't know if "greedy"

Well I don't know if "greedy" is quite the right word to describe me. I drive a car I've owned for nearly 15 years, while my fiance and his oldest child both have cars that are nicer and newer than mine. I also spent a year working a part-time job two nights a week on top of my full time job so that my fiance and I could move out of the ghetto and into a small rental home to be closer to his kids, in a neighborhood that's 45 minutes from my work. A lot of what I do is for the benefit of his kids. I just don't think I should have to pay a disproportionate share of my income, indefinitely, for our shared expenses.

I know it would be fair to go 50-50 if it were a platonic roommate situation, but I guess I see an engaged or married couple as a different situation.

I don't want him to support

I don't want him to support me; I work full time and always have. I also worked two jobs for a year so we could move closer to his kids. I just earn far less than he does, though I'm trying to find a better paying job.

It seems like you're projecting some preconceived notions you have about women onto me, when you have no actual idea what my personality or situation are.

I'd think fighting over

I'd think fighting over who/how much pays it would definitely take any romance out of date night. You might try taking turns, You pay for the date night that you plan and he pays for the evenings he plans. I would help perhaps if he is seeing the full bulk of what one of his planned date nights actually cost.

Furniture? If pieces are being purchased that is more than needed due to the extra children than what would be required if just the two of you, he should pay more. Example, you might be perfectly happy and well suited to a four seat dining table. He on the otherhand needs a eight seat setting. Why should you personally match the extra cost over a 4 when you don't need 8? If a sofa, loveseat and recliner is all the livingroom needs for the two of you, he needs to pay the extra for the additional child needed two more seating pieces.

So he's willing to pay more

So he's willing to pay more for your living expenses, but you don't want to split extras 50/50????

You're out of line.

This isn't us, but just as a

This isn't us, but just as a hypothetical let's say a man is a heart surgeon and he falls in love with a social worker. They are both wonderful hard-working people who have full-time-plus jobs. They get engaged and start saving up to get married and go on a honeymoon.

By the logic of most people on this thread, since the social worker can only afford two nights at a Holiday Inn in Daytona Beach as a honeymoon, that's where she and the surgeon have to go since it's only "fair" that she must pay for 50% of their wants. Even though if they were both contributing equal shares of their incomes for this honeymoon, they could spend two weeks in Fiji.

Correct because he earns 2.5

Correct because he earns 2.5 times what I earn, so if I pay for half of our extras, I'm paying a much larger proportion of my income ... that is the part that strikes me as unfair. But it seems most on this thread disagree with me.

Thanks. Others on this thread

Thanks. Others on this thread have gold me a gold digger, greedy and selfish, and someone suggested I find another 2nd job to work so that I can try to "catch up" to my partner's high salary. It's been a bizarre string of messages.

A financial planner is a good idea and I know we need to do this.

Thanks taushalove, you seem

Thanks taushalove, you seem to be an unusually logical and rational person. I appreciate your well thought out response.

You hit the nail on the head with your comment about "nickel and diming." That's what it feels like when my fiance expects me to split vacations and date nights 50-50 when he earns 2.5 times my salary. However, most responders on this thread believe I should pay a disproportionate share of my income on our "wants."

An oversimplified scenario: We decide together to spend $1,000 on a vacation for just the two of us. If each of us pays half, I've just spent 13% of my monthly income on our vacation while he's spent less than 5% of his monthly income. Yet that is what most commenters here say we should do.

We split 50/50 but we earn

We split 50/50 but we earn about the same amount before he pays CS. I tend to pay for the lion's share of the "nice to haves" like vacations. We don't obsess over the groceries but he will tend to buy any junk food or mircowave meals specifically for YSS.

I don't really understand

I don't really understand support for the higher percentage argument. If you both partake of the benefit then you pay equally. Otherwise he would be subsidising you. I take pride in the fact that I support myself, that is one of the things that differentiate me from the BM in my life.

I do support myself and I

I do support myself and I always have. We are very basic middle class people with nothing fancy in our lives. We don't own a home. Our furniture is 10-15 years old and since it was cheap stuff to begin with, most of it is frayed and/or falling apart. We can't afford to replace it with anything decent. I drive a the same vehicle I've owned for the past 15 years. I pay for all my own stuff - insurance for my truck, gas for my truck, my cell phone, vet bills for my cat, my student loans -- everything that isn't my fiance's responsibility. I've always worked, since I was 13 years old.

It's weird how most people on this board seem to be responding to me as though I'm some kind of pampered princess who wants to be supported. Very, very strange projections going on. Maybe some people on this board have ex-husbands whose new partners are like this and that's why they assume I am this way? It's odd.

I find it odd that you are

I find it odd that you are not satisfied with him agreeing to pay more than half of the living expenses.

I earn about $3,500 a month;

I earn about $3,500 a month; he earns over $10,000 a month.

I only want for us to pay the

I only want for us to pay the same percentage of our incomes for things. So for example, if we take a $1,000 vacation and split it 50-50, that means I'm spending 13% of my monthly income on our trip while he is spending less than 5% of his monthly income. I think the percentages should be equal.

I earn about $3,500 a month;

I earn about $3,500 a month; he earns over $10,000 a month
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Ok honestly...if this were my situation...I could not even see MY DH asking for any money for vacations and dinners and such with the income being sooooo different. I do get where you are coming from, but not sure how to get your DH on board with this. He actually sounds a little greedy IMHO.

We are doing ours based on

We are doing ours based on percentage of income. His CS comes out after household expenses. It's still not working out that well for us because it's a lot to keep track of. We basically considered everything except his CS as household. So my CS received goes into the household but my BS's expenses also come out of household. I don't think there is any one perfect way to do it in our situations and it's always an issue it seems. In our case the issue is that he pays $30k per year in CS. Since he does and our taxes are a lot higher due to the income he must make to cover this I don't feel we should pay anything else for skids out of household. BM doesn't work and lives off the CS and doesn't contribute anything financially to skids. He still does pay for things out of his extra because BM won't pay for them. I wouldn't do this and would tell the kids I pay CS for that. It's bad enough that our income is taxed higher. So even though we do it this way, I still take a hit for the CS on the taxes part.

Yes, if we owned a house and

Yes, if we owned a house and he paid 70% and I paid 30%, I wouldn't expect to get half the proceeds from the sale if we divorced. I'd expect to get 30%.

I've tried to simplify the

I've tried to simplify the situation, but there are a few complicating factors, such as the fact that I worked two jobs for a year so we could move out of the ghetto and into a small rental home in a nicer area that's closer to his kids, so it would be easier for him to see his kids more often. I had to work the extra job and spend my own money for this because he was paying so much for CS and alimony, we were broke. I also paid for 85% of the thousands of dollars' worth of furniture and household items that we own (pots, pans, dishes, vacuum, grill, TVs, lamps, power tools, curtains, garbage cans, you name it).

I am not trying to be petty but I'm just trying to seek a fair balance. I want to avoid continuing to pay more than my fair share of our expenses.

No, he didn't ask me to work

No, he didn't ask me to work the extra job. I decided to do it because the quality of our life living in the ghetto apartment was becoming so degraded, and I knew that taking on extra work was the only way we were going to be able to afford to get out of that place. He couldn't take an extra job because of his responsibilities driving the kids to and from places. However, he agreed to pay me back eventually for it, and I know he will.

It's all the same set of

It's all the same set of facts.

I paid for most of the set-up of our home. That's already all been paid for.

The disagreement my fiance and I are having is about the shared expenses going forward.

So if my fiance and I decide

So if my fiance and I decide together to take a vacation, and I pay 13% of my monthly income on this trip while he pays 5% of his monthly income, that is fair?

Yes -- the setup that you are

Yes -- the setup that you are describing is exactly how I think it should be.

Even if separate accounts are kept, which I agree with, the point of a partnership/marriage to me is that you are creating a life together -- so a certain amount of the resources go into that pool for shared things.

Let's say a couple decides to keep a shared account for shared expenses. Each person agrees to put 20% of their income into this shared account (let's say). Then the shared account pays for dinners, vacations, etc. To me, this is fair. But most commenters on this thread are arguing that the lower-paid person must put in a higher proportion of her income into this shared pool to "make up for" the income disparity. So for instance, they are saying the low earner must put in 15% of her income while the high earner puts in 5% of his income, so that it's "even." To me, this is petty on the part of the high earner if they're in a marriage, though it wouldn't be if they were friends or roommates.

You think it should be this

You think it should be this way because your earn less, so you benefit from this setup.

While you think it's petty to you. As someone who the higher earner in my relationship, you way sounds gold diggerish (yeah I know that isn't a word LOL)to me.

I'm a fan of all of the money

I'm a fan of all of the money going into one pot and it all being used for the family. Do you plan on keeping finances separate and tracking "who pays for what" after the marriage?

We both want to keep the

We both want to keep the money separate because we both agree it would be unfair for my money to cover his kids' expenses.

The only thing we disagree on is how much each of us should pay for our shared expenses that are things for just the two of us -- dinners, entertainment, vacations, etc.

I thought percentage of income was fair but it seems like most people on this board disagree with me.

I have to admit I'm struggling to understand why a low-income partner should have to pay a disproportionate share of expenses.

He's asking you to pay half

He's asking you to pay half of the WANTS.

You're trying to look like the bad guy by lumping the NEEDS in with WANTs. If you can't afford to cover half of the wants, then they should be put on hold until you can.

I doubt I'll ever earn

I doubt I'll ever earn anywhere near what he earns -- I'm in a lower-paying field than he is.

So, going by the splitting things 50-50 logic, that means we as a couple would have to indefinitely live only according to MY means -- the lifestyle of a below-average wage earner.

By the "splitting 50-50" logic we would have to spend the next few decades only going camping or staying at Holiday Inns for vacation, going to Chipotle for our meals out instead of nicer restaurants, continuing to rent a small older home instead of ever buying a home, continuing to have only used or Ikea furniture ..... because that's all I can afford to pay 50% of. Even though he makes six figures. This is basically what most people on this thread are saying: That all of our "wants" as a couple are supposed to be only what I can pay 50% of and we should not have a nicer lifestyle just because he makes more.

What would you do if you were

What would you do if you were single or were marrying someone who earned less than you?

If you want a certain lifestyle, then that may mean changing careers.

This idea of making the CHOICE to stay in a low paying job, then EXPECTING someone else to cover most of your wants, screams entitlement.

OK, got it. You firmly

OK, got it. You firmly believe that in a partner relationship, the couple can live ONLY the lifestyle level that the lower-paid partner earns. So if a heart surgeon marries a social worker, they should rent an older townhome in a run-down area even if they can afford to purchase a large new home, because that's all the social worker can pay half of! Unless the social worker sucks it up and goes to medical school for several years. That's the logic you're going by. I actually find it kind of amusing.

I never said that. The man is

I never said that.

The man is willing to cover most of your NEEDS. That isn't enough for you. You want it all.

I know plenty of couples that are not on equal footing salary wise. In each case the lower earner works overtime or a second job on order to the higher earner from paying the lion's share of vacations.

I have a few friends who work retail each holiday season(October -January). One girlfriend told me her goal each year is to earn $5000 to match the $5000 her husband budgets each year for vacation. That allows them to take two nice vacations each year.

She will never make the same amount of money he makes. However, she has found an easy way to contribute equally to their WANTS (nice vacations), while he provides for most of their NEEDS.

Why is this a bad thing?

Yep, and this is what most of

Yep, and this is what most of the commenters in this thread are arguing. That a couple is only supposed to live according to whatever the lower earner can pay 50% of, even if there is a big income disparity. Some of the arguments being posted are really out there, as people paint themselves into corners trying to defend their nonsensical "logic."

No not at all. This is about

No not at all. This is about choice. His choice to subsidize you or not. We are not talking about needs we are talking about wants. He is telling you he doesn't want to subsidize you in the way. This is his right like it's your right to not subsidize his kids expenses.
If you can't afford luxury vacations you vo with what you can afford. If he wants to pay extra then it is a gift to you , it his choice.
We are saying it's not right for you to say I can only afford holiday inn but you can afford the ritz I want the ritz so you should pay extra so you should. nOT your decision. Can't you see how that makes you look?
He is saying no to doing that, you don't have the right to demand that he pays that for you.
If he said yes then I'd consider you lucky and you would graciously accept that wonderful gift- don't expect it , it makes you look really entitled
Btw when you paid all those extras in the past that you mentioned, again you're choice, you're gift! He should be really effing grateful but now to turn around with your handout for him to payback that then to expect him to pay more to afford the luxuries? That's pretty ugly!

I don't ask him to shell out

I don't ask him to shell out for high priced things. I never demand that we go to more luxurious hotels or finer restaurants. If anything, I am the one in this partnership who is more of a bargain-hunter.

I don't expect special things or luxuries. I simply want us to pay equal percentages of our incomes for shared expenses.

If you are both benefitting

If you are both benefitting you pay equally. If you are paying only 30% of a vacation are you only attending 30% of the time? No!
So if he pays 70% then he is paying 20% of your costs. How can you expect him to do that? How is this NOT you asking him to pay for you?
I don't understand how you are not seeing this.

You want to pay less, you want him to pay more. To pay part of your share.
Because you earn less.
You cannot expect a person to pay for you.
You want it, you pay for it. That is how life works.
If someone chooses to support you smile say thank you and consider yourself lucky. You cannot say sorry I earn less than you so you have to contribute to my costs.
You sound like a BM
Im getting frustrated because you are not listening to people and putting words into their mouths, ' they think married couples living standard should match the lower earners capacity'. Posters have repeatedly said no that's not what we are saying. But you keep repeating that statement.
Let me be clear. If you say he earns more than me I want him to pay a higher percentage of shared expenses, you are asking him to partially support you. You use 50% you want to pay less. He uses 50% you want him to pay more. This means he would support your living expenses. His choice!!
Just be honest and stop trying to make it something it's not.

Here is where I am stuck

Here is where I am stuck at.

you said after he pays for his kids, extra rent, good etc..that you then both bring in about the same. So...yup....hum asking you to pay 50% seams fair, it is now an even playing field of income. From you calculations, both of you would be at 3,500 a month. So it is the same percentage out of each persons income.

As for me, hubby and I throw all our earnings into one pot a share. We both have a kid each living with us fulltime. I have no idea what percentage of his income vs my income pays for thu Gs. We do not roll that way. Thank god. That would drive me nuts.

I would like to be more

I would like to be more casual and less stressed about money eventually, too. I think it's just hard for me right now to be that way because our financial stability is so shaky due to the massive amounts of money he is always spending on the kids, way above and beyond the already very expensive CS.

May I ask what his CS is per

May I ask what his CS is per month...before he pays out extra?

I agree you shouldn't have to

I agree you shouldn't have to pay for his kids' insurance. Luckily my fiance doesn't expect me to directly pay for anything related to his kids, and he never has. The problem is that I have paid so much indirectly toward them, which I don't have a problem with as long as it all comes out even in the end.

The confusion is this: If my fiance earns 2.5 times my salary, and we spend $1,000 for a vacation that's just the two of us, should I pay $500 toward that? Or should I pay a proportion based on my income? This is the thing that's becoming confused in this thread, I think.

Yes, you should pay $500.

Yes, you should pay $500. :?

OK, so it's fair that I'm

OK, so it's fair that I'm paying 13% of my monthly income on our trip, while he's spending 5% of his monthly income on it?

If you don't think it's fair,

If you don't think it's fair, don't go. :?

If I were on his ahoes, I would be rethinking marrying or even living with you.

This man makes 10K a month. He has extra money for vacations, yet he lived in the "ghetto". He couldn't move to a better neighborhood until he met a woman who makes less than half of his monthly income came up with a plan to move them to a better area. :O

Yes we lived in the ghetto

Yes we lived in the ghetto for a few years because he was paying alimony. I worked an extra job to get us out sooner than we otherwise would have been able to.

DH makes about 2.5 times what

DH makes about 2.5 times what I do as well. However, the reason he took the job was so he could continue to pay a high amount of CS. He took the job even though the hours suck and it cuts into our time as a couple. If he didn't have to pay the high CS he could of taken a lower paying job with better hours. We both pay higher taxes as a result of his higher paying job. Our household doesn't get the full benefit of how much he makes because so much of it goes to CS. It is for this reason that we split our household expenses in proportion to income. We also split vacations that way. The hard part is the logistics of our situations. My DH and I have issues with this as well. My DH is fine with the percentage split but it sounds like your DH isn't. I do understand what you are saying about having paid for other things in the beginning. I did this as well. The house we live in was mine and I was paying all the state taxes for two years after we married. I paid some things at a higher percentage and you did as well. You are just looking for your DH to pay something at a higher percentage now. It's not dollars and sense but more the feeling of fairness. Fairness doesn't have to be exactly equal.

It is very hard to work these things out as there is no black and white answer and people have different ways of doing it. I really think you need to figure something out that works for you so you can move forward and not continue to have this as an issue. There are plenty of other issues to deal with.

If my fiance earns 2.5 times

If my fiance earns 2.5 times my salary, and we spend $1,000 for a vacation that's just the two of us, should I pay $500 toward that? Or should I pay a proportion based on my income?
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Since he is paying the bulk share of household expenses, I would say yes, this would need to be split 50/50. But then you have the problem of him wanting a VERY expensive vacation that you just can not afford. Then I would think he should pony up some more money than you.

I guess our situation is a

I guess our situation is a little simpler. I pay for the family insurance. We both have at least one kid that is still covered under it. He pays half the expenses and I pay half. What we want, we pay for. We have separate accounts. We do have a joint savings that we use to save up for bigger goals.

He puts into a 401(k). I put a lesser amount in because I will receive a pension as well.

Sometimes he ponies up a bit more. Sometimes I do. It all kind of is a wash at the end.

I actually agree with the

I actually agree with the percentage based on income.

My DH and I have never figured the exact percentage but basically the higher earner has always paid more in, whether it be for the bills or the extras.

That aside, the fact that your fiance agreed to pay you back for the extra that you spent, but is now mad about it, says a lot about him.

It just seems logical to me.

Most commenters on this thread are saying that a couple should ONLY have the lifestyle that the lower earner can afford. Which makes no sense to me. So, to use an example I posted elsewhere, if a heart surgeon marries a social worker, they can only go to Holiday Inn, Chipotle and Ikea for their "wants" for the rest of their marriage because that's all the social worker can pay half of.

My fiance is just frustrated because it's started adding up to so much and he didn't realize it. He wants to pay me back but can't right now and this is also frustrating him.

I would expect the person

I would expect the person with the lower salary to do every in his/her power to earn more money.

My son's SM earns more than his dad. While my son and his half sister were minors, their dad worked two jobs. His full-time job covered his living expenses and his CD. His part time job was his mad money.

My ex worked overtime to cover his half of vacations.

Are you looking into ways to increase your income?

Maybe you need to find a

Maybe you need to find a better paying job!

I am trying to. But the

I am trying to. But the reality is that his income is just so high. It's hard to catch up.

Yes, I remember that scene

Yes, I remember that scene from the movie about the ice cream!

It doesn't make sense to me

It doesn't make sense to me that the money he spends on his kids should be excluded from his salary figure. I don't exclude my expenses, like my student loan debt, from my salary number. He chose to have kids; I chose not to.

If your trying to be "fair",

If your trying to be "fair", then you bet the cost of 3 other human beings come into play. After he helps out the other 3 people, then he can help you out with a 13% vacation..or 50% vacation....how about split the difference and pay 32.5% for vacation.....

Exactly right

If he wants to go on some

If he wants to go on some expensive vacation that you dont want to pay halfs on for whatever reason then just let him know that. Hey buddy you make 2.5X more then me. It's unlikely that I can afford a vacation to Fiji if I have to pay half. If you want me to go then you are going to have to pay more. Sounds so simple.

Just like my rich BF in college when she would invite me places. I'd be like you know I'm poor, we can do X,Y, Z on my budget. But if you really want to do A, B,C you are going to have to pay for some of it.

I want to know though, who is bringing home $10,000 a month (this is after CS, taxes, etc) and lives in the ghetto???? What state are you in? Was that a real number or just an example?

No, I don't want him to cut

No, I don't want him to cut down spending on his kids. That is a regularly budgeted monthly expense that isn't going down; if anything it's going to go up.

I don't want him to spend more money on me. I pay for all my own expenses. If I get a haircut or eat out with a friend, I pay with my own money, just like I do for all my other personal expenses. I have never once asked for my fiance to buy things for me. Actually, I am the one who usually buys things for him.

You don't have any way of knowing this, because you don't know me or our situation at all, but there is such a rich irony in your painting me as a gold digger, because that label actually applies to his ex-wife, not me. I shop at thrift stores and drive a 15-year-old vehicle. For two years, she didn't have a job at all and actually lived off of the three jobs my fiance and I were working. And not only lived off us, but lived a much more lavish lifestyle than we ever have.

If he's paying his fair share

If he's paying his fair share for the actual bills I wouldnt worry too much about the wants. About it being 50/50 or whatever. If he has more disposable income then he should want to pay more for when you guys go out on dates or whatever. As long as you aren't taking advantage of that.

Yes, because he was paying so

Yes, because he was paying so much CS and alimony at that time, he was stuck in an apartment in the cheapest place he could find, in a terrible area of town. We're talking roaches, break-ins, trash juice splashed all over the concrete hallways and common area stairs, cops being called to the complex on a regular basis, terrifying neighbors. We were desperate to get out but didn't have the money despite his cashing in his 401(k). My job pays so little I had to take on an extra PT job to get us and his kids out of there.

Sounds like you guys are both

Sounds like you guys are both in a tough spot when it comes to money. So even though he is earning more he has a lot more going out to the kids, so it almost seems that when it comes to "extra" money for wants that you guys are about in the same position money wise?????

I can't imagine having to pay THAT much that it leaves so little that he would have to live in such a terrible place. Yet he and his oldest child are driving newer, nicer cars? Sounds like there are some priorities out of order or something.

Even when I was making $27,000 a year BEFORE taxes, etc, I still lived in a place that wasn't even that bad taking care of a kid on just that income.

If your situation is really that bad that I wouldnt be worrying about wants and I would make sure I'm doing whatever I can to make sure my day to day living is better.

My main priority right now is

My main priority right now is actually just saving money for our future, because he won't. He keeps putting things for the kids on his credit cards, and then he can't afford to pay them. But he won't say no to the kids. For instance, his daughter is going on a band trip to NYC next month and he's paying for it, even though it's his ex-wife's responsibility to pay for out of the CS he gives her. He's just putting it on the credit card and there's nothing I can do about it. He doesn't want his kids to go without. But he seems to be OK with us going without retirement savings or a home.

I think your outlook on money

I think your outlook on money is a good and healthy one. I would like for my fiance and me to get to that point someday. I do think it's a lot easier to be low-stress about money when there is enough of it to go around. You say "we have a good amount going into savings and retirement savings." The problem is, my fiance and I don't.

I myself have a decent amount of retirement savings but my fiance has next to nothing. I don't have any credit card debt but he has thousands of dollars' worth. We don't own our home. We have no savings. He leases a car because he can't afford to buy one.

My fiance's divorce was financially devastating and he ended up vastly overpaying for CS for several years due to a miscalculation as well as his unwillingness to go back to fix the agreement, while still being coerced into paying thousands of dollars extra for various kid related things that his ex-wife should have been covering with all the CS she got.

The crux of the problem, I think, is that I'm very worried about our financial future while he is not. He spends thousands extra on his kids every year beyond CS because he doesn't want them to have to go without anything, which is understandable. I simply wish he were as eager to put a few hundred extra toward his credit card debt when he has it vs. using it to finance a lavish Christmas for kids who already have every material good imaginable, you know what I mean?

So your issue is really much

So your issue is really much deeper than vacation funds.

You are fearful of your future financially with your fiancé.

I think you both need to go to a financial advisor asap. He needs a lesson in money.

This fighting over money will end this future marriage. You both need to get on the same page. Again....you both need to go to a financial advisor.

I agree but I think he is

I agree but I think he is just terrified of looking at the whole financial situation in the light of day. He has a head in the sand thing going on right now about money, and everything is very emotion-driven. The main emotions being guilty-dad syndrome and using money as a potent symbol of love for his kids. It's very difficult to get him to talk about our financial future and stability.

Just make an appointment and

Just make an appointment and go. Bring in all your income and debt. Make it so all he has to do is show up.

OP, the credit card debt, no

OP, the credit card debt, no retirement...should be the things you two are tackling, not who pays what for extras. Honestly, if his finances are this bad, vacations, eating out...shouldn't even be an option at this time.

I agree, but it's hard to get

I agree, but it's hard to get him to talk about the larger issues.

We don't spend a lot of money on entertainment. We're very budget-oriented.

Part of the reason I don't want to pay more than my fair share of our entertainment is that I'm desperate to save money b/c he won't.

Entertainment shouldn't even

Entertainment shouldn't even be an issue at this time.

You two can't be very budget oriented. If you were, he wouldn't be in such a financial mess. You say WE'RE budget oriented, yet he has no savings, no retirement.... nothing you've posted about this guy paints him as a budget minded individual.

It's funny that here you say part of the reason you don't want to pay your FAIR SHARE on entertainment because you want to save. So that leads me to believe that you really do think what he is asking for is fair.

He's in a financial mess due

He's in a financial mess due to his divorce and a lot of debt he agreed to take on from his ex-wife's spending.

I don't think I ever said "I don't want to pay my fair share."

I could have written this

I could have written this exact sentence: "DH likes to complain that he never gets to spend any money on himself. Oh well, too bad, he created a child with high-conflict nutjob and now spends pretty much all his money on CS, Court, SD & medical. Not my problem and not my responsibility."

With a combined household

With a combined household income of $13,500.00 a month... I am trying to figure out HOW in the hell you were living in the ghetto, why your furniture is thread bare and why your driving a 15 year old car.

Where the hell is the $$ going??

Massive CS overpayments due

Massive CS overpayments due to a miscalculation he didn't want to fight due to bullying BM, enormous alimony payments for years, thousands of dollars' worth of his ex-wife's debt that he agreed to take on in the divorce agreement.

His divorce financially

His divorce financially devastated him due to massive CS overpayments due to a miscalculation, enormous alimony payments for years, thousands of dollars' worth of his ex-wife's debt that he agreed to take on in the divorce agreement. His ex wife also had cleaned out his retirement savings before she told him she wanted him to leave, and she used it to pay off a secret credit card.

I started to include all of

I started to include all of the details but it just seemed like it was getting too long.

Exactly especially with

Exactly especially with income taxes.

Yes, despite the financial

Yes, despite the financial devastation due to his divorce, my fiance wants his kids to live as though there are no financial issues. He doesn't want them to suffer "because their parents fucked up," as he always puts it. I can understand his motivation for this because he loves them but unfortunately I believe it's gone too far off the deep end. He and I have no financial stability and we own nothing, but he has several hundred dollars per month budgeted for the kids so they can have spending money. This is on top of the massive amount of CS he pays (overpayments due to miscalculation).

It's a tough situation. No one wants to see kids getting punished or going without. But at some point doesn't the parent get to have retirement savings? A house? A car?

So true. Kids are better if

So true. Kids are better if they EARN thier money.

I agree -- I started working

I agree -- I started working when I was 13 and never stopped. I paid for most of my clothes, lunches, and social activities throughout high school and paid for 100% of my own car. I knew that if I wanted something I was going to have to find a way to pay for it. Growing up this way had a hugely positive effect on my adult personality in terms of responsibility and resourcefulness.

My fiance's kids are all expected to have jobs once they turn 16, but the problem is -- if they can't find a job or lose a job, they know their parents will kick in whatever amount of money they need or want. So they have zero motivation. For instance, my stepdaughter is into dressage and she wanted an expensive pair of riding boots. My fiance just bought them for her and she doesn't even wear them. When I was her age I would have been told to get a job if I wanted some expensive non-necessity. His kids know they don't really have to.

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How do you divide money with your CS-paying partner?

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