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I am sad

Caitlin's picture

Submitted by Caitlin on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 12:31am

I am sad that my stepdaughter is being raised by a mentally ill mother. I am sad that this sick woman stops at nothing to hurt the father of her child, even at the child's expense. I am sad that my stepdaughter's mother is jealous of the beautiful relationship I have with her daughter and that she does everything in her power to sabotage it. I am sad that my fiance is on the verge of bankruptcy because he pays his ex 60% of his net pay in alimony and child support and she doesn't work and never will. I am sad that my fiance's take-home pay doesn't even cover repaying the debt that his ex racked up during their marriage in manic spending sprees. I am sad that I am the only one contributing financially to our own household and we constantly come up short on our expenses and go deeper and deeper into debt. I am sad that we can't afford to retain a lawyer to close the divorce that she filed over three years ago, but now refuses to move forward with because she wants to spite us and prevent us from marrying. I am sad that this incredible burden puts strain on my otherwise ideal relationship with my fiance. I am sad that my fiance is so stressed out over it all and feels so guilty for bringing this baggage into our home. I am sad. I am tired. I wish my situation were different, but it will not change so I will try to be happy and focus on the positive.

I am happy because I have love. I am happy because I have the support of my family and friends. I am happy because I have a good career. I am happy that I am not mentally ill, insecure and vindictive. I am happy to be a mom, a (soon-to-be)wife, and a stepmom. I am happy to have StepTalk to help me put it all into perspective. I am happy to have the opportunity to release my sadness here so it will not be left to grow and grow until it overwhelms me. I am happy that I have the strength to go on, even when I think I don't have it in me.

Comments

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 4:09am

You can go to the courthouse, pay the superior court clerk ~$40, and they will prepare paperwork for divorce/parenting plan. Then it is another $56 to file, you have a court date, and then both parties appear before the judge. And if that service isn't available at your local courthouse, how about legal aid?

You should check it out. Even if she contests it, it doesn't mean that the divorce will not go through. Also, since you guys had a child, it sounds to me like cs needs to be reviewed. Also, since there is no divorce yet, how about trying to get rid of alimony. Dh needs to get moving on this so he can move on with you.

I know first hand how slow men move sometimes, and how women can be vindictive, and use their kids to punish dads. I feel you pain all too well. I am sorry you are faced with this baggage. But instead of just waiting for dh to finalize the divorce, how about making a couple of phone calls?

StressedSM's picture

Submitted by StressedSM on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 8:19am

I started to post a comment to the extent that Candice has. She is right. You don't necessarily have to have a lawyer. The less joint bills/property, etc., the easier. Most court systems will offer assistance and your husband can represent himself. In some states it is known as "pro se" and some its pro per. Look in your phone book also, there are probably "paralegals" i your area that are willing to assist you/prepare paperwork at a much reduced rate. You can call your county's bar association for a referral to a family law attorney that will help "pro bono". Lots of attorneys do work for free for people who have extreme financial problems. There are also legal aid services. If you look around, you may able to find some very affordable help.

Good luck.

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 12:16pm

Thank the lord in my state we do not have it.. I think personally why is there spousal support. Why shoud a man have to apy spousal support for someone just because A. they were married to them. I can totally understand Child Support.. But spousal support.. Get a freaking job.. You wanted the divorce now here is one of the many consequences on getting it.. Caitlin I am sorry that your future husband has to pay spousal support.. That to me is very sad.. That is like the welfare system. USE AND ABUSE.. Doesn't make any sense to me. I must say I am not against the welfare system if you need it and do not abuse it.. There is a difference..
Even of they would have had spousal support in my state I seriously I would not have wanted it.. That is retarded.. What do you do for a living? "I collect spousal support".. WINNER..

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 12:54pm

I don't usually favor spousal support, especially when a child was born out of wedlock, or when both parents spent equal amount of time working/facilitating a career. However, there are times when both mother and father agree that mother will forfeit her career (I know there are some sahd's) in order to stay at home and raise their children.

Would your opinion be the same if a woman stayed at home for 15 years to raise her children, and then dad had an affair, and decided to abandoned his family for the new woman? Leaving mother to support her children without spousal support when her career skills are not near equivilent to her spouses?

In an instance like this, I totally favor cs calulated on the standard of living between bioparents plus daycare plus alimony, until spouses remarry.

I totally get your point about how there are many instances where the system is totally being abused, and that I don't agree with.

tyra's picture

Submitted by tyra on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 3:02pm

It is just so unfair...the system.....We have spousal support here in Canada and it really sucks. My husband use to write spousal support on the cheques when he gave them to her and she was embarrassed when she went to the bank so in our court proceedings my husband was instructed that this can't be written on the cheques any longer...Can you believe it!!!!!!!! Happy you said it "WINNER"

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 3:11pm

write..."for being a bitch" in the memo part or..
"for stealing my money" or "for stealing my sperm" or "for actually remembering your baby's daddy's name.." or "for not getting off your ass" or anything that might be somewhat true...but it isn't spousal support..he can't be held in contempt that way...:)

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 3:13pm

I LOVE IT!!! If he switches it up every time then she would have to go to court with a laundry list of things he shouldn't write...how embarassing that would be for her!!!

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 3:16pm

When dh and I were spending all our money fighting his ex in court to see his son...I had a lot of bottled up energy/anger for the shit she was doing.

Well, to help myself out and get this anger out, I played around in photoshop designing my own checks for non-custodial parents that had to pay cs/alimony. I practiced this heavily...I even thought of patenting these checks and placing them on the market. They were hilarious!

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 3:18pm

I love to read your comments.. You remind me of one of my oldest and dearest friends.. She moved a few thousand miles away months back.. And your just like her I love it..
Thanks Candice..

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 3:20pm

I'm glad I am making a few people laugh..we all need it once in a while!

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 3:21pm

To that.. It is so true..

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 12:56pm

I did not intend to offend anyone.. I agree Maintenance support is a good idea.. But to actually pay spousal support to someone.. Because I am not saying this for sure but spousal support goes on after the divorce.. Correct.. Please do not take offense to my comment.. I was commenting on the blog.. To me everyone shoudl be equally responsible..

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 1:17pm

I am not sure what if any difference there is in spousal support and alimony..

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 1:34pm

In Ohio alimony and spousal support are the same thing and they do take into consideration MANY factors including each parties earning ability, caring for young children, levels of education as well as the degree to which one party contributes to the educational advancement of the other…i.e. wife works two jobs to put husband through medical school under the assumption that once he is finished with school, she will go to law school…after med school he meets a cute nurse and divorces his wife…he will AND SHOULD have to pay her alimony b/c she helped him get where he is as far as earning power is concerned…at the same time they also consider the time and expense that it will take for the “uneducated” spouse to receive training and increase their earning power…so to that degree it is not a perpetual meal ticket.

Make a GREAT Day!

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 1:52pm

I agree with that situation.. I guess I should shut up until I know all the facts.. Because is the situation you explained that is true.. She gave something up to help him and then he leaves.. That is not right.. At all.
So basically it does totally depend on the situation totally..
But if this said woman in this blog is just not working because why should she or is nothing of your example up there then its not fair..
I was a yound divorced mother of two, by my choice and I struggled to make it with them but I worked my way up the ladder of jobs to get to a decent pay to raise my kids.. I am a worker though.. I just deem it unfair when some people think its ok to let someone else take care of them when they are capable of making it on there own.. Does that make sense..

Nise's picture

Submitted by Nise on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 2:23pm

That makes perfect sense and i agree 100%! B/c there are gonna be instances where the ex wife choses NOT to better herself or increase her earning power and if that is what she decides...is comfortable living on minimum wage ...so be it...her choice to make..so after being alloted X amout of time to improve her earning power (via education/training whatever) and she chooses not to do so...they sould say TOO BAD FOR YOU!!! (

Make a GREAT Day!

tyra's picture

Submitted by tyra on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 3:09pm

In our court proceedings they will not give an end date...I believe in an adjustement period...give them time if needed to get back on their feet, get reeducated ,if you needto, but to have to pay until major changes...like she will make lots more money or until SD is one month past highschool. I have no problem with child support...your responsibility you care for them but when a wife decides to have an affair to end a relationship and then come after dh and while she's at it comes after my money (which I earned myself) I am not in favour for. Hey not that I am bitter Smile

Caitlin's picture

Submitted by Caitlin on Thu, 10/19/2006 - 11:44pm

Thanks for all the comments, everyone! I had no idea I'd come back to see so much discussion. There are a couple of things that people brought up that I'd like to address.

Right now, his ex receives alimony pendente lite until the divorce is final. We are pretty much guaranteed to have it converted to permanent alimony when all is said and done because her lawyer and therapist will say that she cannot work because of her mental illness (she's bipolar). Interestingly, she has an ivy league education and a masters degree whereas my fiance is a self-taught "student of the school of life" who never even finished high school, but when comparing "earning potentials", hers is ZERO since she's mentally disabled, so his is necessarily higher. She could potentially earn 3 times his salary if she worked, based on her higher education. Plus, it's total bs that she can't work because she is extremely active as a volunteer in her daughter's school and extracurricular activities and if she can handle that, then she could handle working a paid job, at least part time. But, why would she? She gets paid to sit at the pool with her kid.

As for closing the divorce, unfortunately it is very complicated given that my fiance is the defendant and has no legal representation. He has tried 3 times unsuccessfully to file the precipe which will close the divorce so it's not that he's not doing anything, but he's been turned away every time for one reason or another. As for finding pro bono help, we're in a bit of a catch-22. We don't live in the county where the divorce is filed so we're uneligible for aid in that county and the legal aid in our county won't touch divorces outside our county.

The thing that gets me the worst is that my fiance and his ex were married less than 6 years before they separated and he is expected to take care of her for the rest of her life. Why are we being punished like this? Why do he and I have to work 2 jobs each and she gets a life-long paid vacation? She was married before for 10 years - why is he off the hook? (Not that I want to punish that poor guy, but I'm just saying.) The system is totally messed up and unfair. If she were a nice person, maybe I wouldn't feel so bitter. But she's not. So I am.