We were driving to pick up SD15 and SDstb12 for dinner. There have been a lot of re-orgs at SO's work and we are worried he may get laid off. He is a high level exec at a major bank. He pays over $5,000 per month (yes, not a typo) to his two BMs for Child Support, plus our mortgage, plus about $1K per month on top of child support to travel to TX and see SSs once a month, plus 60% of all medical (and SD15 is Type 1 Diabetic so its expensive) ad other odds and ends. So we need him to keep earning how he is. I also am in the low 100ks. As long as we both have our jobs we are OK.

We have been talking about what we would do if he lost his job. The only place for him in our current city is at his current company, and if that goes away we would have to move. We would likely move to Philadelphia (where I'm from) or NY (where a lot of the banking and finance world is) depending on his job prospects. He is very employable so I'm not too worried.

NY is the front-runner, even though I'm not in love with living in Manhattan. He has no interest in living in CT and doing the very long commute; he has done that before and hated it. I don't particularly want to either, I would likely be working in Manhattan. In my current job, I work from home and handle the entire northeast traveling 2-3 days every other week, so living anywhere up there would be great.

We got to talking about the lack of space, how I would have a smaller closet, etc. Which I can live with. I lived downtown in Philly and Chicago for almost 10 years before moving to Charlotte.

I said "IF we end up moving to Manhattan, I think we should rent for a bit instead of buy, since we won't know what our situation is"
SO: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Well, you know, if we had a baby"
SO: "We can't have a baby in Manhattan. Space, money"
Me: "I know, space is tight, but the girls would only be visiting once a month if that, and we could maybe get a pullout couch and make due and have the second bedroom as the baby room. And there is no rule that says you HAVE to have every toy and gadget out there to take up space"

Then he went on this whole rant about how expensive a kid is, especially in Manhattan. School tuition and day care, and are you going to stay home with the baby? You need to be making at least $X in a suburb in order to justify working, double that in Manhattan yadda yadda yadda.

I told him I knew all of this, but it isn't OK that he already got to have kids and go through that, but I would be denied that. He said "We will do whatever you want, I just want you to be realistic about the cost of things"

I told him flat out that I wanted having a baby someday to be OUR choice, but I didn't want it decided for me. I told him I would end up resenting him and our life and it would likely lead to divorce if that decision was made for me.

In my dream life, we would live in Philadelphia, I would probably go back and work for my old company as an underwriter (little to no travel, office job, flexible sometimes) and he would work for a large bank or finance in Philly or Delaware. We would have more space for our money, be close to my family (Philly is 30 minutes from my parents and my sister, and 45 minutes from my brother). We would have family support, space, we could both be happy. I also pointed out that in 3 years, our CS will be lowered by $500 when SD15 ages out, and in 6 years lowered by $2,000 when SDstb12 ages out, so we would have more flexibility in cash flow by that time.

I know what people will say "You chose this life, you knew the risks, etc etc" but it is still frustrating that my life is decided my so many other people. I love my skids and they are great kids, but I still would like a baby of my own someday maybe. Definitely not right now....I have no interest in that, too stressful, the diapers, lack of sleep....YUCK! But maybe after we've been married for 3 years or so. (Our wedding is in September).

Just venting. My SO for the most part is very supportive. A great dad. Coparents very well with BMs, not a Disney Dad for the most part. I have a lot to be thankful for and happy for, but you can't help but wish for the "normal" family you grew up imagining....