SKids are ruining my marriage!
I am literally at my wit's end over this.
DH and I have been married just over a year, but we've been friends for years and I've known his kids their whole lives. Their mother is a horrible narcissistic witch, who quite literally got pregnant with their now 5.5 year old without now DH's consent. Yeah, she's like that.
So their mother hates me and hates him and hates that we're together, a fact that she makes clear to the skids in all ways possible.
SD is 10. She's a "love the one your with" kind of kid, but her loyalty is with her mom. She's desperate for BM's approval, and to hell with DH or me. I feel like she's spying the whole time she's with us because literally anything said or done will be recounted to BM. And BM loves to collect grievances against us, of course.
SS is 5.5 and there's something wrong with him. His speech is bad, he can't hold a pencil correctly, his writing is terrible, he fidgets all day, he eats his clothes, etc. (We're finally going to see a developmental pediatrician this month to see what the hell is wrong with him, but getting there has been a battle!) And his loyalty is *only* with BM. He's openly nasty to me and my bio-daughter (9) and his dad. He's miserable every minute he's away from his mother--or his stepdad, for that matter. We're the bad ones, which is clearly reinforced by BM.
DH loves his kids. Don't get me wrong. But he also sees the reality of the situation. Which makes it so that he and I both DREAD having them in our house. We have them 4 out of every 14 days, and the time they're with us is torture. DH is waiting for them to say or do something horrible, and I'm doing the same thing the entire time. I don't really engage with either one of them, but it's like nails on a chalkboard the entire time they're there!
So why is it so awful? For one thing, they're always exhausted when they come, because they go to bed around 9 pm and wake around 6. That's not enough sleep, so they're cranky and they're often sick, to boot. For another, the boy, especially, cannot entertain himself *at all,* so he follows his sister or DH around the house the whole time he's there. Lately, he's been glued to DH and no one else is allowed near. Plus there's the fact that we honestly don't know if he understands anything that is said or happening around him. It's crazy making. SD is mostly innocuous, but since their mother wants them to be completely dependent on her for everything, she's needy, too. And the constant comparisons feel like constant put-downs.
SO our stress levels on the skid weekends is literally off the charts. We're both miserable the whole time, and both of us are wondering if we can keep going like this. We had a huge fight yesterday because DH is so tired of the constant conflict, and he keeps wondering if we can be happy if the skids are making us so miserable EOWE and 4 weeks in the summer.
Honestly, I'm fairly disengaged with them. I don't absent myself, but I don't deal with them, either. And DH and I are fine with just my bio-daughter around, but his kids make all the difference. And I know it's their horrible, horrible mother, but that doesn't make it any easier. How can we survive this?
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I get it, and I hope it
I get it, and I hope it doesn't make anyone too angry, but she told him she was on BC when she purposefully wasn't. The sex was consensual, the pregnancy was not.
I have done a similar line
I have done a similar line with my own DS.
That is a really good
That is a really good analogy, Lady. And I completely agree with "The LIAR is to blame, not the person who believed the LIAR."
I've had this same thought
I've had this same thought myself.
That, and that I didn't want to create a child that would in any way be related to the train wreck that is her life.
But he tells us the truth
But he tells us the truth about everything else...even admitting not-so-pleasant character flaws, drug experiences, other women, childhood issues, fears, etc. Why would he lie about the way BM got pregnant? Especially when we know that men can have sex with no emotions tied to it, and especially if we've admitted that we've slept with some questionable men.
Very smart move... what guy
Very smart move... what guy wants to think about the actual number?![Blum 3](https://prod-cdn-2.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/blum3.gif)
Lying about BC is not the
Lying about BC is not the same as taking BC
Taking BC = 98.999
Lying about taking BC = 0%
I'm with you on this one
I'm with you on this one Echo.
I laugh every time I see someone on here blame the BM or BM's for the conception of the skids. She tricked him by getting pregnant. No she didn't. While she may have manipulated the situation to her advantage, he was the one that had unprotected sex with her. There was no tricking. If our SO's didn't want any kids with their ex's then they should have been responsible and suited up properly.
Any man that totally trusts any woman to take care of birth control is a complete and utter moron.
Holy shit.....it's Adam and Eve all over again, with Eve getting the blame because Adam was a fucking dipshit and ate the apple. An apple he was told not to eat.
Rule of thumb: Supply your
Rule of thumb: Supply your own BC. There are those who poke pinholes in condoms.
Nope, you're not alone. If
Nope, you're not alone.
If they are waking up oN their own at 6 each day, then they are just fine with that amount of sleep.
Yeah, I caught that too.
Yeah, I caught that too. Especially at 10, she should be fine. The 5 year old *might* need more sleep, but if he's waking on his own at 6 then probably not.
I lived thru this. BM tried
I lived thru this. BM tried everything to poison her kid against us. But still wanted us to have her alot so she could party. It was a sick situation.
We finally moved away from BM. It was what needed to happen. BM did not want responsibility full time of SD, so she had her move with us. Then via phone and summer visits still do her magic to have SD hate us. And she would tell her mom anything negative against us to have BM happy with her.
So I had it! Told SD and hubby SD needs to move to her moms and visit us in summer. Period. Or I will leave hubby.
He called her to say you win, she is all yours. Told SD the same thing. They both freaked out big time. SD deep down knew she has a better chance at life living with us. BM dose not want the responsibility.
This changed things finally. Now its more normal teenage stuff with SD.
I feel your pain.
I agree. SS9 still has
I agree. SS9 still has horrible hand writing. So does his dad
My brother used to suck on his shirt sleeves as a kids. Gross
And the kid missing his mom. Normal. My mom loves to the story of when I was five and my dad took me for ice cream. Just him and I. I cried for my mom the entire time. I can't believe I even made it through kindergarten. I cried everyday when my mom dropped me off.
My dad used to have to get up an extra hr early everyday because he said I talked so much and followed him around that he couldn't get ready for work.![Blum 3](https://prod-cdn-2.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/blum3.gif)
OK here is something you need
OK here is something you need to understand. At this age the kids will do anything they can to gain their mothers love. They are with her most of the time and the ONLY way they can get her love is 'conditionally'. Which means they have to behave a certain way and say certain things to get 'rewards' like love and smiles and cuddles.
You and DH aren't like this and it is uncomfortable for them as they have no idea how the 'real world' of what we call FAMILY operates.
This is why the SD acts like a spy-bot. So call her out on it. If you do something she says "Mum doesn't... She won't like..." you tell her "We are aware what your mother likes and doesn't like. In this home there are the rules for us all to live together. In your mothers house she makes her own rules and we would never think to tell her what to do..." (notice the subtle... you live in a home, BM lives in a house).
You can only let her remarks be put-downs if you allow that to happen. Only you can control your emotions. So girl-up and let BMs remarks wash off you. If SD says something mean, tell her being hateful or rude is not a good character trait to have.
See for most of the 2 weeks they are in an alien environment. Imagine going from the wilds of Alaska to downtown Chicago every 2 weeks for a few days. Then back to Alaska. And if you think about them living in Alaska they can only be protected by their mother if they play her games and love her the way they know will 'save' them. I know this seems crazy but think about Stockholm Syndrome.
As for the 5 yr old ... if he is clingy let him be clingy. Even my Granddaughter whose parents split up when she was 2 still needs time to adjust to the new house and new rules and she is 8. If this boy has some learning impairment this will not make it easier for him. Just be gentle but firm. And if Miss10 says something deliberately mean and nasty just smile at her and say "Wow! I would never allow anyone to speak to YOUR mother like that." or "Hmmm, so let me get this straight, it is OK to be rude to me so I can be rude about your mother?" Bring her behaviour to the front. Don't allow her to hide behind it. If your DH wants to have a relationship independent form his ex then he needs to put some effort into it by being proactive instead of reactive.
Yep...just like oneoffour
Yep...just like oneoffour said, you have to call out both kids on their bad behavior. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would NEVER allow a child, whether 5 or 30, to be rude or disrespectful to me in my home. NEVER.
Call them out on their behavior. Punish them EVERY time for their behavior. Ignoring it just reinforces that it is OK to act like little shits. Who gives a crap how they act at BM's house? You and DH need to control the situation IN YOUR HOME and ignoring it or not appropriately addressing it is telling the kids that it is ok to continue to act the way that they do.
Basically, explain the rules of YOUR home (maybe even write them down and post them) and discuss them with both kids. Discuss what the consequences will be if the rules are broken. And leave it at that. EVERYONE now knows what the rules are and what will happen if the rules are broken. You might be surprised that there are no real "rules" in BM's house.
Not sure what to say about the 5 year old. Until you figure out if he has a learning problem, all you can do is simply correct his behavior each time. I'm still a little shocked that no one seems to have noticed any problems before now.
And I don't think it is unusual for a 5 year old to be clingy. Your DH should be thankful that his son wants to spend time with him. I honestly don't see how anyone can form a bond with their kids when they only see their kids 4 days per month. Do the kids live a great distance from you? Can your DH not get extended visitation...Thur-Sun every other week? These kids need to see their father a lot more than 4 days per month.
And lastly, it doesn't matter if BM intentionally got pregnant or not...the kid is your DH's child. He needs to accept that and get over it. For you or him to obsess about it or even think about it 5 years later is absurd. His kid. What would the world be like if everyone felt anger or resentment towards the kids that were unplanned/unwanted?