At what age is personality set?
My SS is 9. He pretty much is a jerk.
If he isn't getting what he wants or enjoying himself, he makes everyone else around him miserable.
Yesterday SO was telling me that SS was mouthing off to BM's fiancé. BMF told SS to watch his mouth and SS continued to be a jerk to the guy and be disrespectful.
SS actually told SO about this story.
SO told me he hopes that SS can learn to be respectful to adults. I told him at this age, I doubt it. He hasn't respected most adults since I met him at 4. He's almost a teenager. I don't see this habit getting better only worse.
Jackass adults don't become that way magically at age 18. They grew up being jackasses.
At what age do you think this type of behavior is set.
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A child's formative years are
A child's formative years are between ages 0 and 6. Who they are and their values - their foundation really is set during this age range. This is also when they bond and how they see relationships throughout their lives. According to the psychiatrist and psychologists we have sought some things can be "retrained" but the fundamentals cannot be undone. I hope this helps.
He can still be made/taught,
He can still be made/taught, to NOT be disrespectful. He is only 9. Still has many years ahead of him to be molded into a good adult. But will BM and DH do it?
Did he get in any trouble for being a jerk to the SF?
As far as I know, no he
As far as I know, no he didn't. All of BM's kids disrespect her. Her 15yr old son curses her out all the time. SS and SD see this. Crazyness.
Did DH do anything? He at
Did DH do anything? He at least should have told him he was being a little turn and to knock it off.
SO told him he needed to
SO told him he needed to respect the guy. I told SO that it was partly his fault. He tells the kids (with every guy BM has dated) that he will knock the guy out if the guy lays a hand on one of the them. Its sounds like SS was taunting the guy because of SO's words.
I think he has unknowingly
I think he has unknowingly :? encouraged SS's behavior toward the guy. SO and BM talk bad about each other all the time in front of the kids, argue in front of them and SO bad mouths who ever BM is dating.
I've given up trying to get SO to stop and getting him to understand what he is doing. He tells me all the time he needs to stop behaving that way but never does. Granted I personally agree with everything that SO says about BM, but it shouldn't be said in front of the kids EVER. Skdis know what she's like. They live it every day. They don't need dad reminding them all the time what a crappy mom she is.
SO and BM talk bad about each
SO and BM talk bad about each other all the time in front of the kids, argue in front of them and SO bad mouths who ever BM is dating.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That is terrible. Also sounds like they both have unresolved feeling for each other.
Ninji, I have spent almost 3
Ninji, I have spent almost 3 years in a situation with therapists of various ilk's telling me that SS' behaviors are what they are due to his parents and grandparents. I have sought my own out to counter and in the hope they could make a difference. I promise you I have searched every avenue and I continue to in the hope even a small difference can be made.
Whomever your step children's primary bond is with is the person who can get this to "change". No one else can. And if this behavior is permitted in both homes and this is the example these children live with in both homes there is nothing you can do about it. Your spouse can discipline a specific behavior in to your home but will not be able to change the perception of life over all.
I completely agree with your
I completely agree with your 2nd paragraph.
As far as I've seen with SS,
As far as I've seen with SS, I'm the only person he doesn't disrespect. He knows he will get a consequence each and every time.
I can't say who he has a primary bond with. It depends on who is giving him what he wants at the moment.
I had a cousin who used to be
I had a cousin who used to be EXTREMELY disrespectful to everyone around him. He had to move to Washington when he was about 12. Apparently he met some people there who didn't take too kindly to his attitude. He's a grown man now and one of the nicest guys I know. He even looks back on his younger years and admits "Yeah, I was a bit of an ass back then". Don't know what precicely turned him around, but I am guessing something similar to "Beyond Scared Straight".
So I guess it depends. Granted your formative childhood years are instrumental in determining your personality but your social environment, role-models, teachers, etc. play a huge role too.
Drac0 then we really are
Drac0 then we really are screwed!
Great point!
Great point!
Apologies tog if my
Apologies tog if my terminology is a bit backward. I do know this is how you make your living. I was answering directly to personality and core morals. SS's defiance can be unlearnt IF all of the homes agreed to work on it. We do not have that luxury/ situation.
tog where does one begin with
tog where does one begin with SS. I don't know your belief on birth bonding and a parents love and acceptance of a child so I won't over do this I hope. Jabba got pregnant to keep SO, their marriage was in trouble. SS was one of twins. Jabba abused her body and miscarried one of the twins. She openly admitted after 12 weeks she hates pregnancy and just wants SS out. She did everything possible for a premie birth. Jabba then handed SS over to nanny, granny and SO. Jabba had an affair 4 weeks after SS was born. SO moved out and affair guy moved in.
I am comfortable saying SO stank at bonding too and in turn SS's primaries are nanny and granny. To this day Jabba says in front of SS she never should have had him. SO well he still stinks with and isn't really bonded as I understand it to SS.
According to the psychiatrist and psychologist we saw to help SS he has bonding and trust issues due to the above as well as abandonment issues with how his parents passed him around like pass the parcel. Sometimes I feel pass the parcel hasn't stopped for this child. On top of this SS is on the spectrum. When assessed SS has NO BOND to either of his biological parents. His primary is granny who won't have him live with her. His caregiver in his view is SF and very low on the rung of tolerances in his life is Jabba, SO, siblings and me.
I must stress I do not hold SO blameless in what has happened to SS. He is 50% responsible and Jabba is 50% responsible.
>Personality traits are
>Personality traits are things like introverted vs. extroverted, shyness, temperament, etc.<
Yeah, abouut this.
Look up Carl Jung Personality types. There's a sliding scale used to measure how we are conditioned and this has a lot to do with how we perceive and act upon our surroundings. If you plot each of the personality types on a grid, each of us fall into one of 16 personality types.
Most people who apply this theory prefer to use the smaller 2 x 2 grid and adapt it to handle those who are "outside" our personality type.
There is Introvert/extrovert and Logic/Intuition. I myself am an Introvert/Logic and am diametrically opposed to those who are extrovert/Intuition. So if I find myself dealing with my "personality opposite" there is a strong likelyhood our personalities will clash unless I employ certain techniques I have learned to deal with them.
Ahhh, the life long
Ahhh, the life long discussion of nature vs nurture....always a deep discussion. Love reading the posts!
I've heard of young adults
I've heard of young adults making turnarounds in bootcamp or the military but if they are back in the environment of "guiltyism" then there is no hope. 0-6 yrs definitely are the years when personality is formed usually with the care and guidance of a loving parent. Take away the care and guidance of a loving parent and you have FERAL!!