It's Been a Week!
I told him I was moving out last Tuesday. He was shocked, upset and sad but didn't lose his temper. He suddenly wanted to listen to me, I suddenly had his full attention. He said all the right things, he would go to counseling, he would do whatever it took to change my mind.
I stuck to my plan, told him I was still moving out, already had a place and picked up my keys a day later. He was very agreeable and let me take most of what I wanted/needed. He chose not to be at the house the day I moved, I only took what I needed. He told me he was being nice and agreeable because he thinks in the long run we can work this out. I've continued to let him think that while I'm wrapping up loose ends (switching cars, closing bank accounts, etc.). I know he will show his true colors again when he realizes I'm not coming back.
He doesn't know where I'm staying, and for the first time in years I feel relaxed. Even better, my son is happier and more relaxed than I've seen him in years. I feel like a horrible mother for not picking up on his feelings earlier, but he's happy now!
I'm exhausted from moving and unpacking and keeping up with my job and school and taking care of my boys but I'm still happier. I miss the good stuff, his touch and his smile and our shows and sharing stories about our day but I sure don't miss being criticized constantly, and constantly second guessing every decision I make because I'm not sure how he will react. I don't miss worrying what kind of mood he's going to be in every day and adjusting my behaviors to keep the peace. I don't miss the clutter and the messes that nobody else cleaned up.
So, for now no papers have been filed. I go to see my counselor again tomorrow (alone). To clear my head and plan my next steps in moving forward. For all the promises and talking he did when I told him I was leaving, he hasn't actually DONE anything to show he's serious about making any changes. It's disappointing, but makes it that much easier for me to stick to my guns and stay gone.
Thanks again for all the support, you guys are the best.
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Comments
I totally understand and am
I totally understand and am happy for you! I was married to someone like that. We didn't have kids but I cannot imagine how much more difficult it would be with them.
When I left him it was very similar. A complete feeling of relief. There was grief but it was fast and short lived. I was basically done as soon as I left that house. And you are correct, you will see his bad side come out soon. I just had to deal with my ex recently (he didn't cancel a joint credit card per our divorce agreement and I had to have a horrible text exchange with him about it. It was about his control not the fixing it.) be prepared, remain calm, and get it in writing if at all possible.
Congrats!
Thanks! I'm trying to build
Thanks! I'm trying to build up my courage and self-confidence during his agreeable stage so I can be strong enough to handle the storm I know is coming.
Fortunately, we don't have kids together. He had 2, and I had 2. Best decision I ever made was the decision not to have a child with him. I knew we had way different parenting styles and there was no way I was going to fight those battles with him.
I fined telling people about the split is hard. I feel like I'm admitting failure (again). Just trying to go with the flow on some of this stuff. Being able to breath sure is a good feeling though! Glad you got out too!
You are STRONG for getting
You are STRONG for getting out, not a failure!
He's being all nice right now because 1) maybe you'll forgive him and come back and 2) he wants to see himself as a "nice guy" - see how well I'm handling this?...so when you two start negotiations he'll try to throw that back at you: I was nice, you don't need anything, why should I help you?
Don't be suckered into the nice-guy act (because you know what he's really like).
And I agree, don't tell him where you are. My ex didn't know where I lived for at least 8 months. Enough for things to cool off a little.
It's been a week and 2 days
It's been a week and 2 days since I moved out, so we are on the same boat. I wish you all the best and am really glad you feel you made the right choice.
Missing him is normal, of course, but hope it will get better soon. All the best!
It was four years ago, right
It was four years ago, right after Easter, that I moved out. I had also talked until I was blue in the face about what needed to change.
The difference being, my DH took the initiative to change a LOT of things within the next couple of days, weeks, months. He did pretty much everything I wanted and changed our entire marriage around.
It's too bad that more men can't be like him. We are happier than we ever were.