My stepdaughter has decided that after 2 years of her mother not wanting to be in her life, that she want's to see her mom.
BM has been in and out of SD's life for most of SD's life. For the last 4 years she has been out more than in and 2 years ago she was out completely except for a text message every 6-8 months. For the last 2 years BM has attempted contact maybe 6 times. All those times SD says she doesn't want to see her because she was never a mother to her. Last time BM tried to make contact was 4 months ago and SD told her she didn't ever want to see her again.
Lately SD has had an attitude, she is 15 so I get that. When her dad isn't around she doesn't listen, tries her hardest not to do what she is suppose to do and gets an attitude almost daily. I tried to tell DH that but he just thought it wasn't that bad, because she would never do it around him. So yesterday, SD slipped and shown her attitude towards me in front of DH. When he seen that, he shut her down and told her to lose the attitude and to not treat people that way.
Today I checked my email and there is an email from SD:
SD: Umm I think I want to see my mom like I am suppose to. I know it's been a long time but I can't get over her and I miss her. I want to start going over there every Wednesday, like before, on weekends like before and on the holidays that I am suppose to see her.
All I did was email her back and tell her that it's something she would have to discuss with her dad. I have been going through some things emotionally lately and I just can't deal with this. I don't know that I even know how to deal with this. Am I allowed to feel hurt and emotional about this? I have been in SD's life for almost 10 years and her dad and I have been the only constant thing in her life. She misses her mother, that is understandable but I don't understand why she doesn't get the fact that her mother doesn't show her anything but that she obviously doesn't miss her own daughter if she can go months without contacting her. I don't sway her decisions either way, and I don't tell her my thoughts of the situation because I feel that it would make me look like I'm trying to make her decision for her.
I do however have another child that I have to worry about. See, when SD was seeing her mother things were always happening. Her mother does bad things, lies, constantly is a no show and is nothing but drama. I would usually let this get the best of me and I felt like I wasn't a very good mother to my BD because I was always upset or worried because of all the drama. Pretty much I felt that I wasn't focusing all of my attention on my daughter and I felt like she was constantly on the back burner in order to fix all of SD's problems with her mother. I don't want this to happen again. I don't want to lose my husband either but I feel like I just can't deal with this. I don't know what to do and I really wish someone would give me some guidance. Tell me I'm being dumb, tell me I'm not, just PLEASE someone tell me something.
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i cant give you any advice
i cant give you any advice but i can say you are not alone in this my ss is 6 just turned 6 i have had him since he was 9 months... dh and i married when ss was 1 and 8 months.... we decided to have a child together who is now 2... bm only sees ss eowe which some how is ok w her... as a mother i could never do that... but bm has been nothing but drama all the time nothing stable w this bf w/ that one she is a cheater and a liar.... my ss has gotten to were he resents me i think bc of the little influence his mother does have on him isnt a good one she hates me and i get it ( i didnt meet DH until they were split so it wasnt a cheating thing long story)
Do I feel a little hurt by
Do I feel a little hurt by this? Yeah I guess a little and I guess that's normal. Would I overtake the situation and ask why me, why is this happening to me? No, but I do have to think of my other daughter because I know how the situation was, and I don't feel that it was healthy for my 6 year old daughter. I am just confused I guess. Thanks for your reply.
It's normal to feel hurt, but
It's normal to feel hurt, but it's also normal for a child to want their parent. I've been through something similar. I've felt slighted by my steps for going on 14 years because I've been more motherly & loving than BM ever has. That said, I can't imagine ever feeling like I didn't want a relationship with my mother...or my dad.
As crappy as BM has been to everyone, & as much as my steps know & acknowledge that, I can't fault them for WANTING to continue pressing for a "normal" relationship with her. It still hurts sometimes, but I know that my wants & needs are not any more important than theirs.
You're not being dumb, you're being normal. It's normal to be hurt when we feel like we aren't getting from people what we're giving them.
Focus on being a good mom to your daughter. Focus on not letting your SD's wants/needs keep your daughter missing out on what she wants/needs from you.
Regardless of how crappy BM is, she'll always be the parent & a child will always want/wish for things to be "normal" & happy with her. At 15, I can imagine how much your SD wants to be close to her mom.
This is so true and so well
This is so true and so well observed, storm. And all those feelings are very real for the SM who is also a BM and is depleted and unavailable to her kid bc of all this crappy drama. Your SD will always go back to the well that is dry - only to find out again that it is dry and no water can be had from it. I have a father who is like that, i get it. And yet - it's only natural to want that relationship to magically work out.
Protect yourself from the drama and give love to your kid first. Be strategic even though you want to be authentic and help your SD see the light. Forget it. This is what she is doomed to do - run after a woman who cannot give her what she wants. She can have love from you but she needs to grow up to appreciate you more. Right now it is ok to distance yourself from her.
Sure, your SD may always love
Sure, your SD may always love her bio mom and it's normal for her to want that relationship with her, BUT the timing of this sounds a bit manipulative.
She just got called out for having an attitude towards you and suddenly now wants to see her BM. And emails YOU about it, not her dad, not both of you. She wants to hurt you. I would not give her the satisfaction of reacting. You handled it perfectly by directing her to her dad.
Let your DH handle it, whatever transpires, and you focus on your BD.