You're not selfish and what you're feeling is natural, and I'm sure many other posters would tell you that it's very common for step parents to struggle with feelings of resentment and anger towards the situation, even if the child isn't particularly badly behaved and the relationship with the other parent is civil and doesn't cause problems.

I've been with my dh for nearly 9 years. When we met I had a teenage daughter from my previous marriage who lived with me and had no contact with her dad, and dh was going through a court case to get custody of his 3 boys. They were only 9,5 & 4 at the time and their bm was an unstable, alcoholic attention seeker who emotionally and physically abused dh and the children. He got custody and the kids lived with us full time. Due to bm's well-proven and documented abuse, their behaviour was appalling and they were the most needy, insecure and demanding kids I've ever known. It wasn't their fault but it was incredibly hard for me to cope with, and a few years ago I could have written your post myself as I felt constantly stressed, angry and resentful at the situation, despite the fact that I had a child myself from a previous marriage. Like you, I never showed my resentment to the kids and never treated them badly, though I left all the parenting to dh and felt my role was more of a support to him than another parent to the kids. I hated the fact that dh's life (so mine too) revolved around the boys, their routine, their mealtimes/bedtimes/bathtimes etc, dealing with extreme 2-hour screaming fits when they didn't get their own way and the constant clinginess/attention seeking which left dh exhausted and made me feel like he was too tired once they were in bed to have any time and energy for me. BM was also a nightmare, making unreasonable demands, telling the boys inappropriate things and harassing dh which just added to my anger.

The strange thing was that I never resented the older boy, and I think that was because dh did exactly the same as me - had a child with the wrong person and then stayed with that person for the child's sake, but what made me angry was the fact that I had made damn sure I never had another child with my ex as I was unhappy for years and knew I would leave when my daughter was older, yet dh had gone on to make not one more mistake but two, and I felt like we were living with the consequences of him not being able to keep it in his pants or wear a condom. It turns out she put extreme pressure on him for sex, threatening him with taking his son away from him etc, and lied about contraception and now I can see what an impossible position he was in, but at the time the thought of him reproducing more than once with someone he found so repulsive just made me so resentful. I think the effect it had on my well-behaved, peace-and-quiet loving daughter living with these much younger, noisy, badly-behaved kids made things worse and after 18 months her and me moved out and got another place nearby so we could live in peace, dh and I could continue our relationship and then once she'd grown up and left home, dh and the older, much better behaved boys, moved in.

I also had the same feelings about his ex as you. I never had to deal with my ex as my daughter was a teen and chose not to have contact due to his previous abuse but as his kids were much younger, there is court-ordered contact so he had to have dealings with his ex. I used to hate, hate, hate it though logically I knew I had no reason to see her as a threat to our relationship. I trusted dh, but the thought of him being in her presence, speaking to her (even though it was only about the kids and/or contact arrangements) made me feel really uncomfortable. It took a long time to get over it but now I'm fine with it. Recently the car broke down near her place when he was picking the boys up, so he went into her flat to wait for the repairman to come and it didn't bother me at all, but at one time I would gone apeshit even though there was no logical reason. I can only say that the chances are the uncomfortable feelings about the ex will probably reduce over time as you and your partner get more established in your relationship. You're right about not having to be friends with him. As long as your partner can have a civil relationship with him to co-parent and deal with things to do with the child, that's all that's needed and socialising with the ex isn't necessary if it makes you uncomfortable.

My feelings of anger and resentment have disappeared. I can't say it was easy and it took a long time but we work as a family unit now. I'll never love the stepkids like I love my own (now adult) daughter and my husband accepts that, and I still leave all the parenting responsibilities to him, but I do care for them a great deal and want to help dh see they're okay and have everything, material and otherwise, that they need to do well. If dh had not sorted out their bad behaviour by having such firm rules and boundaries with them, I would not have stayed with him.

One of the things that is vital to make stepfamilies work is that the bio parent takes responsibility for the child and their behaviour, creates rules and boundaries and ensures that disrespect towards the step parent and the home is not tolerated. It takes a lot of effort from both partners to make it work and both must be willing to compromise and listen to each other's views. Dh and I had many discussions away from the kids about things I found acceptable and unacceptable, what I felt needed to happen to change certain things and coming up with compromises and agreeing to try this or that to try and sort things out. We never, ever argued in front of the kids as they'd had far too much of that watching mum shout and swear at dad every day in front of them, and all our disagreements and discussions were calmly done away from the kids. We always presented a united front and backed each other up to make sure there was no playing one of against the other. It is so very important for both partners to be on the same page and for the kids to see a united, calm, loving relationship between parent and step parent but also to have clear rules and boundaries with consequences for breaking them. Consistency is also important - one of the things bm did was let them do something one day and then yell and swear at them for doing the same thing the following day, which is a recipe for disaster.

Another thing to remember is that although the boy is still young, he won't stay young forever. Children grow up quickly and it won't be too long before he's much more independent and needs a lot less "looking after" than he does now. My stepsons have gone from being needy, demanding, developmentally-behind kids to being really great kids who at 11 and 12 are pretty independent and more than able to do age-appropriate things, look after our dogs and do jobs around the house.

Its so horrible to feel this way and for me it was like a constant conflict going on inside between the anger and then the guilt for feeling so angry towards defenceless children. I know now that I had nothing to feel guilty about and what I felt was pretty normal in stepfamilies. You are not a selfish monster and I really hope you find a way to get past these feelings. Good luck

I agree with everything Sasha101 said! These feelings for me have never gone away.

But here's my advice.... give yourself a good month and try to get over your feelings. If you still feel the same way and think you put in a good effort, then it is time to move on.

I'm telling you this from experience. I have been with DH and SD for 5 years. The first 4 years I was able to tolerate her as she was with us every other weekend. But 6 months ago we decided to move closer (DUMB) so now she is with us every other WEEK!!! This past month I have reactivated my account on here and am now listening to podcasts trying to figure out how to make this work without losing my mind.

Good luck!!

I struggle with those feelings too but if you want to keep your relationship you are going to have to explore them .