this kind of thing used to happen to me ALL THE TIME.It only got worse for me but maybe with some conversation and reasoning with your dh it could get better for you.

discuss it calmly and openly...don't want to put that darling husband on the defense and make him feel like you want to deprive the pretty princess of her "right" to have nice things.

I'd be upset too. He is setting you up to be the bad guy. "Don't tell SM." That is childish. If he wants her to have something, he should be man enough to tell you and stick up for his decision. Take a look at what happened when you discussed it--were you vocal about not wanting her to have it and he just gave you lip service? This is why many SMs disengage. In the future, wait to be asked for an opinion and give it, telling him "you asked me" and then let it go with the caveat that you don't want to be blamed or lied to.

Let Daddy decide and let Daddy deal with the consequences.

It sounds like a new iPhone was off the table but did you discuss used iPhones as well? I totally get your frustration but perhaps it wasn't quite as deceitful as it appears. From a man's perspective, I could see doing what your husband did. It could be argued that the responsibility of having an iPhone goes hand in hand with the cost of the device and the cost to replace the device. Because the item much cheaper to purchase and replace, perhaps the responsibility of owning the device is somewhat less? It would have been nice if he included you in the decision though and by all means, you should let him know. Having said that, it sounds like there are other factors at play here that may be amplifying the iPhone purchase out of proportion. Just my 2 cents! Best of luck!

BTW - There are services available for insuring used electronics. Check out squaretrade.com.

happened all the time to me. sd would ask bf for money, tell her NO if i was in earshot, then turn around and give it to her. or, he would say an amount that be both agreed upon, and he would give her way more.

the last time i remembered this happening, he picked her up from a friends house and she had something hidden under her jacket. it was very obvious. when i asked him what it was, he sheepishly told me it was a bag of mcdonalds.....the fucked up part was that he had told me that afternoon we were not spending money on fast food anymore.

these bio dads want to think they have power over the decisions they make for THEIR kids...when truth is, they are ball-less pussies who mentally are like 3yrs old--sneaking around behind our backs.

when fdh and i were both on unemployment and struggling really bad, i gave him a 20 to get a small bag of dog food. the next day i needed the change to get gas, so i asked him for it. i was in school and had a 45 minute drive each way. he hemmed and hawed and wouldn't tell me where it was. so i knew. but i played along. i talked to him like a 4 year old. "did you get any change back when you bought dog food?" "yeah..." "where is it?" crickets. "well?" pissy now-"i gave it to sd because she needed gas! she only had a quarter of a tank!" "that's real nice! you gave her MY money without asking me! how the hell do you expect me to get to school now? I need gas! and i think me getting to school is a little more important than her running the roads! if she didn't have any gas then she shouldn't have made the trip over here for no reason!"

he never made that mistake again. let me tell you, i was spitting fire. stupid bitch gets my money to go play on while i have to miss school because i don't have enough gas to get there. because he's an idiot who doesn't know how to say no. at least at that time. i think he's learned since then.

Happens all the time. I get my jabs in when I can though. Since you can't value my opinion, then don't expect me to value things that need to be done for you and your child. My opinions, time and money may not be valuable to you but they are to me and I will treat them as such and you will not have them when you want/need them.

This happened to me as well. my exSO d14 was given an iphone by her mom, but the mom couldn't afford insurance on the phone - so every time it broke or she lost it (which was about 4 times that I can remember and she had it before I was even in the picture) - guess who had to pay out of his pocket to replace or repair it.. my ExSO. Well every single time it broke or went missing, I told him she's probably not responsible enough to have that phone, especially if BM can't even afford to replace it, or put insurance on it. But each time he forked up the money to get her another one or repair it (secretly, he wouldn't confess to it unless I specifically asked "did you fix/replace her iphone AGAIN?" Until finally after the 4th time (that I KNEW about) and then he said HE would get her a phone b, and it wasn't going to be a smart phone since he had finally realized she wasn't responsible enough for it (and since BM was an idiot for getting her one without being able to afford to replace it or insurance for it).

So now she has a regular ol non-smart phone with no internet... and guess what.. it hasn't been broken or lost since!

Yep, happens all the time. Now that I'm disengaged though I don't put in my two cents so there is no room to go behind my back or just not tell me anything. I finally had to realize that even though SO pretends that my opinion matters, ultimately they are his kids and he's not going to tell me anything when he changes his mind.

Just wait until her iphone breaks. The screens break so easily. She'll drop it or lose it.

An example of sneaking with my SO

WE decided no more crass vulgar comedies (bridesmaids, horrible bosses, etc)
SD asked if she could watch something she shouldn't (please please daddy please). Well SO hid the movie under a towel in her room and texted her that is where he put it. He hid it from me! After this and a few other things, I just gave up and had nothing more to say.

Yes it hurt like hell. to be lied to in my own house. Then he lied more when I confronted him saying he didn't want SS to see it. No, he didn't want ME to see it. Its ok though because if he ever were to try and get mad at my disengaging, he knows I'd confront him with this and other situations that lead to my disengagement. He knows what is going on, he just doesn't want to own up to it.

I thought this was a personality quirk peculiar to just my SO. I didn't know it was so widespread, although had I stopped to think about it, I would have realized that all of our head-in-the-sand-can't-say-no partners probably do this too.

SD is too little to really ask for anything, so it's not like SO goes behind my back like that...it's just that he thinks what I don't know won't hurt me, so he avoids telling me anything. I can't seem to make him understand that I AM bothered by what I don't know, because either it comes back to hit me harder later on when I do find out or if I don't find out I still have this constant worry about what is happening.

My SO only talks to SD17 when I am not around. HE will sit in the car just so he doesn't have to talk to her in front of me. I know its cuz he kisses her ass. He told me a few weeks ago she finally texted him after months of barely speaking. We had her brothers she texted asked what we were doing and he told her. Then he told me she never responded. BUT I looked at her texts and she did respond, I wish I was with you and my brothers dad. And his response I wish you were here too I love you daughter. OK........ so why lead me to believe she is being so cold and distant to him and why tell me you aren't putting up with her lies and bs if you are going behind my back and saying things like that. But yet you are telling me she isn't coming here unless she gets the right attitude on.
He sends money behind my back too. I know he does.
So yep mine does sneaky shit too then lies.

Yes this happens in our house. SD15 will sneakily ask for something and DH will promise it to her and never say a word to me. It pisses me off so I do it to him. I take DD10 and BD4 out all the time and I don't tell DH or SD.

His new thing is to drop off money to her while she is at the mall with her friends. I find out by finding receipts around the house. I feel it is sneaky. The other kids don't get things so why should princess!!

Yep, my DH is guilty of the secret squirrel shit..... And it got OLD real fast. We had a major falling out over it, and it took forever for him even to see it from my point of view !!! WTF ??!!

I had to EXPLAIN it to him VERY carefully, that it wasn't just because he thinks I hate the sd21, that I was over reacting to the secret stuff going on, ( him sending her a lot of money, over a period of time ) I don't hate her she is just well of no importance to me, and our life together. I told him it was disrespectful behaviour to ME, how would he like it if I took big ol' chunks of money and spent it on NOTHING and NEVER told him ???? He wouldn't be concerned ? He wouldn't feel hurt ?? Yeah, right !!

He ended up suggesting I have access to ALL our accounts, and ANY big money decisions WILL be discussed between us, BEFORE they happen. Plus, he knows I do check them. He can check mine too, I have no secrets there.

Outcome, is now WE have control of the money, and NEVER again will sd21 have the "purse strings " in her grubby, chubby little hands !! }:)

Um, he gave ss14 a donut last night, does that count? It sorta pissed me off, I gotta admit. I had two pieces of pie. I had one and he said "Oh I want the other". I'm like ok. then we go to the store and he comes out with a little box of two donuts. He ate one in the car and never said anything about the other. We get home and he gives the donut to ss14? Didnt offer it to me-didnt acknowledge the other 3 kids in the house-just gave it to ss14.

This is the same as me.. Everything has to discussed privately as ss 'does not respond well to being shouted at' despite the fact that the OH stops shouting at me..we have to 'pick our time' to talk to him it's pathetic..yet he doesn't have to pick his time to steal ..take drugs or get in a fight...