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DH and BM Mediation on our Anniversary

threeandfree's picture

Submitted by threeandfree on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:12pm

This is my first blog and have been a lurker for a long time. But I need to vent and get some feedback.
So, my dh has been in negotiations with bm over the skids time, schedule, money for the last 6 months. BM has delayed and delayed, changed appointments and made this impossible.

The good news is they finally scheduled a mediation...the bad news is it's on mine and dh's wedding anniversary. Really? DH doesn't want to change it since it's taken this long to get a date for anything, which I understand. But I'll be honest, I'm super pissed. BM invades our life in nearly every other way, all the time and now this.
It gives me the warm fuzzies inside to know that my dh will be spending our anniversary with his ex. Nice way to make me feel special there dh.

I've told him I want him to change it, but I don't think he is going to. One his lawyer doesn't want him to and it will be another month or more to schedule another time. So, I get dumped on again.

Comments

Notmine's picture

Submitted by Notmine on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:16pm

I understand your frustration. My now husband had court the day before or wedding. And the judge wanted to talk to SD3 at the time the morning of our wedding! I felt like nothing we did could be our own. It's extremely frustrating .
Hugs

threeandfree's picture

Submitted by threeandfree on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:39pm

That sounds awful. And that's it exactly, it's just very frustrating.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:18pm

I think you deserve a super awesome anniversary gift or a romantic trip away together or something amazing for putting up with that.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:20pm

You have a good right to feel angry and hurt. But I can also see the bind you both are in, You would like to get the mediation over with and not give bm another opportunity to wiggle away. Yes, your dh should have told lawyer that date is a blackout date. Bad dh, bad boy.

But here you are.

My advice is do your best to come up with a way your dh can make it up to you. An expensive piece of jewelry, a trip, something more extravagant than you would normally get for your anniversary. Let him do that for you and let yourself be happy about it.

And hopefully you can put this woman's main crap behind you after this stupid mediation.

threeandfree's picture

Submitted by threeandfree on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:42pm

But here we are, exactly. We are both in a bind and I want to support him for this mess with bm to get somewhat resolved. Honestly, that would be a nice anniversary gift!
I do think you are right that he needs to make it up to me. And he is a wonderful dh so I'm sure once we talk in more detail about it he will understand. I just need to get over my initial view of red and let it go, say what I need to say and move on.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 9:08pm

This.

I totally agree it sucks. But I can see his side (as can you OP)

But Ordering and demanding he make it up to you by doing XYZ is not the right response.

Talking to him, telling him honestly and openly (without blame - this is not his fault either really) how you feel is important, and HIM CHOOSING TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU - that's important, but it does have to come from him.

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:36pm

I can't believe he agreed. Seriously, how stupid can he be? He HAD to see that was a set up on BM's part.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:55pm

Yeah, the weekend. Mediation is grueling. It can take hours. He will be mentally and emotionally exhausted when he comes home. Just accept that right now. Ask him to send you flowers or something on the day so you can feel happy on the day. And then save the real celebrating for when the awful day with bm is more in the rearview mirror. He would not be human if he did not need to unload and vent about it afterward and also inform you of the decisions made. That's the LAST conversation you want to be having when you're trying to celebrate!

So let him make some easy gesture on the day and then well and truly let go of the anniversary in your heart on the day. Be his teammate and partner to support him that night. Then go all out happy and celebrate the two of you on the weekend or whatever.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 9:10pm

BEST IDEA!!!!

Because Chief is right. He is going to need to unload afterwards, it does need to happen.

As I said before, yes it sucks, but that's life sometimes, be the bigger person this year - tell him how you feel and then do this ^^^ He will really appreciate and thank you for it.

dogtac69's picture

Submitted by dogtac69 on Tue, 01/20/2015 - 8:55pm

The mediation should be over early enough for the two of you to be able to have a romantic evening together.
Tell DH that he owes you big time, and tell him exactly what it is that you expect to make up for this mess.
You actually do need to get the mediation over with ASAP. Both of you will rest easier once it is over with.
Enjoy your night out and what ever your new, expensive present is.

threeandfree's picture

Submitted by threeandfree on Wed, 01/21/2015 - 8:22am

Thanks everyone for all the good ideas and support. I like the idea of postponing our celebration and helping him through the day. I wish I could say I am happy about it, but I'm just not. But I have some time to come to terms with it, talk with dh and find a way to not let this be a big issue.

And to answer questions - I don't think bm knows the day of our anniversary, so it's not on her. It's really dh's bad for not blacking out that date when they (lawyers) were discussing date options.