DH and BM being friendly...what?
DH and BM have been at each others throats for four years now. That's not entirely true...they have this bipolar cycle of fighting, then extreme anger, then comes the creepy calmness. If history is an indicator then this cycle tends to take about 3 to 4 months to complete.
Currently we are in the creepy calm phase, however this time it's more friendly. DH is excited and proud that he and bm have found a way to be 'friends' and work together. My two issues are 1) it's not real...the cycle will start again and 2) He is allowing scheduling changes requested by bm instead of living by the co that they fought over for more than year with lawyers. His new attitude of being friendly is getting our time walked all over and the schedule is ever changing.
The hardest part for me is he is so willing and determined to have this friendly relationship with bm he isn't seeing what it's doing to our relationship. We don't see eye to eye on this one. He wants me to be on-board and excited for the new leaf and I am not.
We are two weeks into summer vacation and they have already changed the schedule twice. Both times effecting me and dh says "But we get the kids, isn't that what matters." So, if I speak up and say no, I'm the bad guy or being overly sensitive.
So, what do you do when your dh has tunnel vision and, well has honestly told me to let go and get over it. Do I do that? I'm not sure I can.
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I love this...I might just do
I love this...I might just do this.
OK, I'm all for a civil
OK, I'm all for a civil relationship where possible. I even advocate for a certain amount of flexibility, as long as it can work for everyone. But this? Right here?
"We are two weeks into summer vacation and they have already changed the schedule twice. Both times effecting me "
THAT is your problem. Your DH is making decisions that affect YOU without consulting you. That is rude and disrespectful, and he needs to stop that shit right now. Before ANY changes to the schedule are made, he needs to say to BM,
"Let me check the calendar and I'll get back to you."
Then he needs to discuss it WITH YOU. If the schedule change doesn't work for everyone INCLUDING you, then his response to BM should be,
"I'm sorry, we already made plans." If he's feeling PARTICULARLY civil, he can offer, "Is there another alternative that might work for you?" Then go back to step one ("Let me check"), lather, rinse, repeat.
Point out to your DH that NOT INCLUDING you in decisions that AFFECT you isn't very "friendly" - and if he's more invested in being friendly with her than with you, there is a Big Fucking Problem.
Yes, I agree, flexibility is
Yes, I agree, flexibility is important. And what you are describing is what is happening. He is so head strong about having a friendly relationship with bm that he is forgetting about our family. He is also determined that their new found friendship is the right path. Which for most, I would agree, but with this bm, she is nutty and by no means trustworthy.
From now on I will speak up more and say no that doesn't work.
My fear is he is currently more invested in being friendly with her which by default takes me for granted.
I actually have come to
I actually have come to dislike the happy, calm part of the cycle more than the fighting cycle. When my DH and BM are "getting along" then DH does stuff like you're talking about without consulting me or even letting me know. He can't seem to handle coordinating with more than one wife (ex or current) at a time. When they are fighting then he talks to me about stuff with the skids.
Right now, summer break has started and though they are busy most of the summer, this is all I know: the week the skids are with BM for a vacation, the week the skids are with us for a vacation, and at some point each of the two skids have a week-away camp rather than in-town camps. Not that I have anything I have to do, but if I suggest something to do at our house I'm sure I'm going to get an exasperated look from DH that "skid x has blah, blah, blah that day" as if I'm supposed to know.
He tells me stuff as if I know or knew about it...I never know what is going on.
I would discuss your
I would discuss your concerns, and when he asserts that you are SO WRONG.... make him sign a piece of paper agreeing that when the crash comes (because it WILL) that he will agree to admit you were right and stop trying to play nice-nice with the crazy lady.
But one of the posters above is spot on. He is pleasing her at the expense of pissing off his primary family by being rude and inconsiderate. He needs to own that and see that his "playing nice" has a cost somewhere else.
They are only friendly
They are only friendly because BM is controlling the situation. Once it doesn't work out her way, it will be back to fighting.
I'm jealous your cycle lasts 3-4 months! Mine only lasts till the next full moon!