If they want a large expensive wedding, they can fund it themselves.

I was married in a church, got my wedding dress at Goodwill and for my reception, family members all brought a covered plate. We were young and broke but it was a beautiful wedding that cost less than $500.

DH and I have a nominal amount we contribute towards weddings. We don't care what decisions are made or how much things cost. DH hands over the check and is done with it.

What does your DH want to do?

If they want a wedding, they should pay for it...

When I got married...My dad paid for my dress, not because I asked! but because he insisted (because he paid for my sisters) He sent a check, it was less than the dress cost, because I didn't want him paying for anything...so I lied to him about the cost.

Its my wedding, I wanted a big wedding, I paid for it. Not my parents responsibility to pay for me...

This is a "to each his own" type of situation. As a parent, I would want to help my child with the expenses of a wedding. But I would not be an ATM for whatever whim he or she was on. There would be a budget and I would have some say. Things get dicey in a divorced situation, but the principals can still be the same. I'd be willing to bet, since it his daughter, that he will want to contribute something. That does not mean he has to contribute EVERYTHING.

Personally, I feel the daughter should be planning her wedding and asking her dad what he can or is willing to contribute, NOT the mother. She is old enough now to have a relationship with her father that she can ask him herself. He can say he will contribute XYZ money or XYZ venue or vendor, but she is responsible for the rest. Then she can go to her mother and ask for what she needs specifically. And I'd be telling her mother to stop calling me and if stepdaughter has a question stepdaughter can call her father.

I don't think that just because she wants a $20,000 wedding, he should be responsible for all of that. If he wants to give $1000, she should be able to come up with the $19,000 to fund it (however she chooses to do so - whether it be from her mother, other family, or even, GASP, herself)

do you trust your dh? that to me seems to be the bigger issue. you've got to trust him with all your heart to do the right thing (which sometimes is the opposite of what the wife is pushing for).

whatever he wants to gift his daughter with is up to him as her father. but if you cant trust him to wisely protect your nest egg, then hunny you got a bigger problem to work on...

I completely agree with you. You should not pay for SD's wedding. I have money saved up for retirement and I had my own home before I met DH. My DH had debt with his ex, no savings, and was renting when he met me. Since we've been together he's learned how to save and invest. We bought a house with my significant downpayment but he is on the deed as an equal owner. He also stood up to his ex who was providing little financial support for his kids even though she made about the same income as him.

Now, financially, it's more of an equal share that they pay for the children even though she doesn't see the kids often. It's been three years and a lot of frustration, but we are moving in the same direction. DH still expects to retire with mostly my money because he won't have enough of his own savings by then. For me, knowing that I'm already going to be providing the bulk of our retirement and that I spent my entire life saving money while he was wasted his money on his ex and spends frivolously on his kids (I'm super frugal, which is why I have money) makes me mad. I've already been generous by giving and fighting for him and his children to have a loving stable home environment, teaching them life skills, and will be giving DH the ability to retire, which was something that he never thought about before.

I don't want DH to provide financial support to his children for college because that would eat into what he should be saving for our retirement. He already supports the kids by paying for whatever sports activity they want, going out to movies every week, games, clothes, electronics, excessive meals out, etc. He might think of these as necessities for the kids, but, my opinion is that if he saved all that money instead throughout their lives, he probably would have enough to pay for their college and then some. But that's not what he did, so I'm adamant that we do not pay for the kids' college. It's not fair to me and what I have planned for our future.