Step daughter Weddings
Step weddings. My son got engaged over this Christmas Holiday. We have a date set 19 months from now. It brought to mind what it was like going through weddings with step daughters.
My stepdaughter’s mother has been dead for 23 years.
Youngest SD got pregnant at age 19. She had already pretty much made enemies of myself and her father so she wasn’t around much. A year later, she married the father and they are stil married with three children. My counselor and pastor thinks she has a serious personality disorder. We had nothing to do with her wedding except to show up. Her choice, and it was basically very peaceful.
Now, Oldest Step daughter got married and it was a different story. We were suppose to financially support this wedding, sew literally two weeks worth of table runners, be her little slave and deal with decisions over and over again that just about gave us heart attacks.
Example: “I want to make my own wedding cake” Ok. I am just going to make a little one (300 plus guest invited) If people don’t get any, tough!” Day before wedding, she has a little cake with canned, yes you heard me canned frosting to decorate it. Fortunately, I had a friend who does cakes that made absolutely beautiful sheet cakes to feed her guests. Another example: She wanted beef stew at her wedding and chili. Ok, this is not traditional where we live, but it’s her wedding so whatever. She went to the Market and bought canned stew. Seriously.
She bought material to make sashes for her bridesmaids dresses. She never made them so her fiancé believe it or not, sewed them all.
This girl is not poor. She has a huge inheritance in the bank, has her education compliments us, has her masters and a good paying job.
She had a beautiful hall, music, beautiful flowers, gorgeous dress, huge crowd, beautiful honeymoon, but she just could not bear to feed her guests or treat her bridal family generously or the people in charge of flowers, photograpy, music or pastor. We did not even have a seat to sit in at the reception. Seriously, 300 people and not a reserve card to even save a seat for us anywhere.
She went to probably a half dozen churches to ask to have a wedding. All told her she needed to pay for the church. Well, she wasn’t going to do that! She fired the minister at the last minute to do her wedding. He was traveling 4 hours to do it, had to ask for vacation from his own congregation to come way in advance.
She had to get a new organist at the last minute. The organists 20 year old son had just gotten killed in an auto accident and said she just couldn’t bear to play. SD could not fathom why that would be a problem.
The announcement went in the paper for the wedding. Only my husband and our current address were mentioned. My money is good enough, but not my name.
The night of rehearsal, the pastor announced it was time for the lighting of the unity candle. She announced she wanted all her sibs up there. Fine. Then she announced she wanted all his sibs up there too. Fine. Then she announced she wanted her soon to be hubby’s father up there too. Soon, everyone was up front to light this candle but me. I was so embarrassed. There I sat all by myself in the front row. I caught her soon to be hubby’s eyes and he just looked at me like “ I am so , so sorry!”
My niece was the photographer. She would come up to me, act like she was adjusting my necklace or something and then tell me through her teeth when all the “shunning” pictures were to take place. Trust me, there were a lot of them. I am thankful I had warning!
The topper was when everyone got in their cars to leave for the reception. A procession went out to the cemetery, the whole bridal party got out, and pictures had to be taken at the tombstone of her mother. She wanted very personal , crying shots taken with the photographer. My husband was shocked beyond belief. We did not follow the party out there. Now, I have nothing against loving your dead mother and wishing they were there for your biggest day in your life. I do have something against bringing a huge audience with you and having several pics taken for a publicity stunt.
The minister came up to me, grabbed both my hands in his, looked me in the eyes and told me he could not compliment me enough on my composure during all of this and how much he admired me through all of this. He also said, “we need to talk about all of this someday ok?”.
Well, I waited two years before I went to see him. I had all I could take out of this narcissist and her sister. I went there looking for an answer how to quit being so resentful and for a second opinion about disengaging. The counselor had encouraged me to stay away from these two girls. I never told him why I was there to see him . I just called and asked if I could speak to him and reminded him that he told me he would like to speak to me someday about the wedding.
At the last minute, I asked DH if he would like to go with me as I had nothing to hide. He shrugged his shoulders and said sure. The pastor sat me down and looked me in the eyes and said. “because you breathe and their mother doesn’t, they hate you.” You can do nothing about it, you have done nothing wrong, they are sick, stay away, get on with your life, be happy with your husband , stay away. My husband agreed, said he had enough of it too, was sorry it wasn’t dealt with years ago and disengaged from that moment on too.
I cried for months. I seriously thought all those years I was doing something wrong and crazy to think they hated me. Even when times were good I was very suspicios it was fake and didn’t trust them. It felt so good to realize I was not the crazy one.
Odd, my sons both told me to marry my DH. They are relieved and happy I found someone to spend the rest of my life with. They treat him with respect. My stepson treats me with respect too.
I guarantee there will be no shunning of my DH at their weddings either. My son walked me down the aisle and “gave “ me away at my wedding. Live and let live. We are all different creatures with different personalities. So what? Life is too short. That is the odd part. You would think with all the tragedy our families had already been through with life cut short that they would get that.
Not to be.
I have to say, that I am SO
I have to say, that I am SO glad I have a stepSON. And not a SD!! I can't believe everything they pulled on you, that is very sad.
I, seriously hope, that I am doing a good enough job as raising my girlst that they would never treat a SM like this. Their dad doesn't date much. Wish he would find someone to marry, that house needs a womans touch (meaning my girls need a woman over there...fashion, amongst other things like cleanliness elude my ex).
I can't imagine them treating ANY human like this, much less someone that their father loves. I am sorry they did that to you.
Towanda, I breathe, my SDs
Towanda, I breathe, my SDs mother does not. I get exactly where you are coming from. I get it. I am however very happy for you, your husband gets it too. That is wondeful and I wish you all the very best.
My DH until this very second does not get it. I went through what you went through. I finally had to for the sake of my sanity ban her from my home. DH didn't stop me, but he sure as hell didn't want that to happen, fair enough she' s his daughter. But he was afraid to deal with it, he felt if he said anything to her she would never speak to him again. to be fair he was right. So he took the approach that to let hr attack, humilate and isolate me, was what made her happy, so let's just allow it. He is still to this day on some level angry at me because I pulled the plug on being her target.
Worse than this a year after I had banned her from my home, and I had not seen her or her boyfriend for a year, the boyfriend bails me up at a shopping centre and decides to go in for another attack. This girls' boyfriend no less. My husband's response. Well, why can't you just suck it up and ignore it.
Ignore it, this boy my FIL had met only 3 or 4 times. He claimed that FIL had told him and grandaughter they could come to my house anytime they wanted to and just ignore me. He claimed dh knew about it and said that was okay. I actually believe this boyfriend. DH, did not ring his father to find out if this was true, he didn't need to, he knew. My FIL and I have always gotten along really well, but a year ago last October I noticed an abrupt change. He stopped talking to me when we went up there for a visit, well except to ask whats for the next meal. Then he stopped talking ot me on the phone and all along DH denied there was a problem all along he knew.
See, my FIL is Italian, I do not speak Italian, the grandaughters boyfriend is also Italian, so even though neither he or grandaughter speak the language they are still Italian, well Australian born Italians but have Italian blood. So boyfriend was in and I was out, and my husband as of 4 and a half months ago still wanted me to just suck it up, he wanted me not to cause any trouble over this, not to say anything. To just keep visiting FIL and to be made unwelcome now in FIL's house.
For me this will never change. I got that message finally. Within a couple of weeks of the boyfriend incident, I returned jewellery that belonged to my decesed MIL back to the family and I have nothing more to do with them. It was the best decision I ever made.
DH. Well he is not in a good place, but he put himself there and I have to keep myself out of this as you would well understand.
I wish you and your husband all the best. You should be very proud he did this, not all men can.
Yes, I want you guys to laugh
Yes, I want you guys to laugh at the absurdity of it all and cry but only with relief that you are NOT crazy! That was the very short version of it.
Wow! So very sorry you had
Wow! So very sorry you had to go through that. I just can't imagine the pain you must've felt. Glad you and DH are happy and your sons are happy for you. I'm in the same boat. My daughter LOVES my DH but SD, she hates us both. UGH!
OMG, stepdaughters can be
OMG, stepdaughters can be such awful little creatures. just like everyone else, i am sooo very sorry you had to go thru a whole day of that shit! i know it's coming soon, but i just dread the day my SD gets married. she just loves to point out how i don't matter and how i'm not part of HER family.
SD are just awful. I am so
SD are just awful. I am so glad I managed to get mine out of my life. Goal is to keep her out....Less damage to everyone that way. The woman that created that mess can have it. As for her wedding. DH is not paying a dime if I have anything to say about it. Thankfully, separate finances keeps me assured that none of my money will ever go to her.
Wow, powerful story and thank
Wow, powerful story and thank you for sharing! I too was very impacted by the priest saying, “because you breathe and their mother doesn’t, they hate you.” So telling huh? In fact you could insert many different verbs in there...
“because you are happy and their mother isn't, they hate you.”
“because their father loves you and not their mother, they hate you.”
“because you are caring and their mother isn't, they hate you.”
“because you have friends and their mother doesn’t, they hate you.”
Oh the list goes on! But it really does help to read your post Towanda as it's a further validation that we are not the crazy ones!
I also dread the SK's weddings! SS is engaged and SD is living with her partner. Interesting, after 7 years he still hasn't proposed even though she has dropped many hints...
LOL catmom! You make me
LOL catmom! You make me laugh..thank goodness I wasn't drinking my coffee whilst reading!
wow, this was an excellent
wow, this was an excellent story. thank you for sharing it!
Isn't it odd how other people
Isn't it odd how other people who are not in the 'family' can see this bizzare crap but Dh and Skids still try to convince us we are the one with the problem? Before I disengaged the first time, a neighbor was visiting. SD and her future hubby strolled through our door without acknowledging my existence. When I went over to greet them, they turned their backs to me, walked into the guest bedroom and slammed the door in my face. My neighbor looked at me with such sadness in her eyes and asked if I wanted to go to her house. Luckily for you, your DH sees it. It took over 20 years for my DH to finally admit that he was disappointed in SD's behavior.
Like you said, life is too short.
She sounds like a
She sounds like a narcissistic b&!'$. God help me if we have big public weddings.
"Daddy" was supposed to pay
"Daddy" was supposed to pay for the wedding 50 years ago when the bride was expected to be pure and virginal.
Times have changed.
“The pastor sat me down and
“The pastor sat me down and looked me in the eyes and said. ‘because you breathe . . ., they hate you.’ You can do nothing about it, you have done nothing wrong, they are sick, stay away, get on with your life, be happy with your husband , stay away.
I love your Pastor!
I love your Pastor!
Naturally we want to have one
Naturally we want to have one big happy family; it is a shock to find out we are really the only ones with this in mind, especially when it first appears. But, like my mother told me, you have to know when it is hopeless. She is right!