Threats of skids moving in
Recently, DH and I were talking about how SS14's life with BM and his stepdad is less than ideal. His caveman of a stepfather is an asshole and rumor has it that he's not very nice to SS. DH was saying how it'll be "awesome" when SS finally gets into a fist fight with SF and decides he wants to live with us.
This would decidedly NOT be awesome to me. We live in a small house, have a one year old girl and another girl on the way. SS drives me nuts too! The thought of living under the same roof with him makes me ill. I can handle our EOWe arrangement ( largely because I work all day Saturday) but I couldn't handle much more.
Now before I hear the whole "you knew what you were getting into" spiel, I'll just say that I'm aware of that. The thought of a full-time SS still makes me want to run for the hills, despite being aware of his existence before DH and I got together. Those of you who have had your EOWe skids become your full-time roommates, how'd it go? Has anyone ever been faced with this possibility and been able to convince your DH or DW that it wouldn't be a good idea? Is that even possible or are we screwed when the skid decides he or she wants to live with us?
I've never really thought this would happen and I'm still pretty skeptical that it ever will. But dh's comment sure has me thinking....
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Comments
Omg, as much as I hate the
Omg, as much as I hate the thought of a 14 yr old moving in, the thought of an adult moving in is absolutely unimaginable to me. Your situation sounds horrible. And I don't doubt that there are plenty of others out there in similar boats. You are a strong woman! *sigh* what were we thinking when we married men with kids?
"Peaceful and clean"
"Peaceful and clean" ----closing my eyes, picturing that.....ahhhhhhhhh....Calgon moment!
Yeah, DH tends to exaggerate
Yeah, DH tends to exaggerate when he speaks. He meant that it will be awesome when SS grows a backbone, he's the most timid 14 year old I've ever seen. I don't think he thinks they'll actually get into a fist fight.
Yep!! Totally!
Yep!! Totally!
If there is true, real abuse
If there is true, real abuse going on, that kid needs to be taken out of that environment. Period. At the very minimum, CPS should be involved.
Many kids really evolve and transform once they're rescued from the hellhole they used to call "home." My SDs did. If your SS comes to live with you you need to insist that he get counseling and get family counseling. That's what we did. Those kids entered counseling very soon after DH got custody.
My SDs came to us because they were being sexually abused by several men bm had at her house. So if SS is enduring any physical or verbal abuse at BMs, he needs to be taken out of there asap. Maybe he won't wind up living with you, but that's better than his current environment.
From what I've heard, there's
From what I've heard, there's no actual abuse. It's just a not-so-loving relationship between SS and SF. I shouldn't have said the thing about the fist fight comment. I know that ss's grandparents don't like sf and think he's a jerk and if he ever laid a finger on SS he'd be out of that house so fast that heads would spin.
I was wondering about the
I was wondering about the fist fight comment as well.
We only have my SD6 EOWE and it would be hell to have her full time. My husband makes the odd comment as well about how "great" it would be if she lived with us full time. I don't respond when he says crazy things like that.
My SS never lived with us
My SS never lived with us when he was a child. He first moved in at 16 and lasted about 9 months before we had a huge fight and I told him to leave to go live with his mother again. He has moved in and out about 3 times in the last 3 years (he is now 25). At the moment he is living here and has been here 2 months. We are no longer on speaking terms or in the same room at the same time. I hate it. Don't ever agreed to him living with you full time, it will ruin your marriage. I can't wait until he goes because I never want to see him again
Not exactly the same but
Not exactly the same but something similar to your situation....I convinced him to change his mind for about three days. then he had time to look up how much dorm rooms at college cost. That decided it. SS was going to live with us at home while SS attended--or flunked out of college.
And SS ha been living with is full time while in high school.
My SO took away the only thing I had to look forward to--SS moving out.
It didn't end well. I left.
The thought of living with SS for the next 5 years, and probably more, made me want to jump off a ledge.
Hmm, maybe the cost is a way
Hmm, maybe the cost is a way out of it. We, in no way, have enough money to fund that. And it'll have to be over my dead body that the tiny pittance that we do have would go toward SS living with us!
I'm glad your SS eventually changed his mind. I guess that might make the 8k worthwhile then.
I think you owe it to you
I think you owe it to you husband to tell him that you do not nurture these fantasies of "how awesome" it would be is SS moved in. He deserves to know where you stand on it, and he is likely taking your silence as enthusiastic support!
Not saying that you not wanting this has to be a hard line in the sand... but he at least needs to know the idea causes you anxiety and you have grave reservations. I know many pickles I got into with my DH came from me not voicing my concerns or reservations about certain ideas. Then when situations blew up, DH would blame me because he didn't know I had felt a certain way all along or had not been supportive.
Of course, all of our biggest
Of course, all of our biggest fights have been over my feelings, or lack thereof, for SS. So I'm very hesitant to bring this issue up. Especially if it was just something said in passing that will probably not happen. I'll definitely say something if it comes up again, I feel prepared to do so now. But I'm not going to bring up the topic out of the blue now. Knowing DH, he's probably completely forgotten about it by now anyway.
When my SD23 was about 16,
When my SD23 was about 16, she asked to come and live with us. Problem was, it was a manipulative tactic thought up by BM and we knew it. So, it was pretty easy for DH to say, "No". Hard emotionally, as he wanted it to be true that SD really wanted to but....
If your DH would have to fight in court, the court costs could be a deterrent.
What if SS moves in and then wants to move back? And then wants to move in again? And then back?
I don't think changes of custody or living arrangements should be taken lightly. I think there needs to be the commitment from all involved or it doesn't work.