A question about fear
I wonder, do any of the rest of you have a fear of being alone? Do you have a fear of being without family? Or a fear of being without your SO? How about just being afraid of handling the bills by yourself, or making the wrong decisions about the care and protection of your children?
I'm feeling pretty stressed out about the small things today, and feeling all these fears. I wish I could just put it all on the back burner, but I don't see how that's possible.
Hubby and I have had a few conversations about this actually being the end of our relationship. He has actually said that he wants to do a shared custody kind of thing.
I've never lived alone, before, or been the head of the household. 
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Rutherford, I know that that
Rutherford, I know that that is one reason I am lucky to have SDs as we are now. I will never have my own, but I have these two. It's such an odd situation, but there is a lot of love!
I don't want to be alone and elderly, either! I also have a fear that no one will put flowers on my grave after I die.
I definitely do. I met my
I definitely do. I met my first husband when I was going to college. We only associated with his family and friends. My family was hours away and I hardly ever saw them. I only have a half-brother alive at this point and he feels it's too much bother to maintain a relationship since I live three hours away. When my 1st husband and I divorced, I was so alone. The only people I knew were my co-workers. I met DH on an online dating site. DH is in the Navy so he has travelled a lot. His family is in a state 11 hours away by car. Both DH and I feel very alone except for each other since neither of us have friends or family in our town. We live in the town that I stayed in after college. I have one son from my fist marriage but he is soon to graduate. I know I will always have my son in my life but it isn't the same as a romantic relationship. I often fear that if DH and I were to breakup or something worse were to happen that I would spend the rest of my life alone. Since I'm diabetic and my life span is likely to be shorter, I take comfort in knowing that DH will probably outlive me. Kinda sad to think that way but I do.
Sports Fan, I am lucky that
Sports Fan, I am lucky that my family is big and everyone is nearby!
I think that being alone except for each other must really make your relationship stronger, though.
I'm a diabetic, to, and it sucks, doesn't it? But yeah, I secretly take comfort in the idea that hopefully my brother and sisters will outlive me. I hope my mom does, as well!
Being diabetic is really hard
Being diabetic is really hard and most people don't really understand. Most days I am able to deal with it but some days I just hate it. It runs in my mother's side of the family. I was extremely thin until I had my son. I had gestational diabetes during my pregnancy but it was gone after he was born. It was 10 years before it returned and I've been on medication for 7 years now, insulin as of last November. I weigh 50 pounds more than I did before my son and I feel like the largest person on earth. DH tries really hard to be supportive and understanding but I honestly believe that you only can understand if you've been through it. I eat right and exercise yet I still have days when I feel I have no control. Overall I am doing well, my last A1C was 6.5. I just hope my son doesn't become diabetic. I try to educate him as much as I can.
Diabetes runs on both sides
Diabetes runs on both sides of my family, and my SDs have it on Bm's side as well. I was the youngest one in this generation to be diagnosed, though, and I honestly believe that it was because of all the pop I drank when I was younger. Now, I'm mean about pop with the SDs. I will let them have one can or glass a day! And if they complain, I always remind them of my shots (6 a day!) and the pills (2 a day) that I have to take. It's NO FUN!
Aswang, I hope that you don't
Aswang, I hope that you don't get flamed for that! Even if the things you are saying aren't things that I want to hear right now, they are (mostly) valid points, and things that I need to think about. Having you put them on here in a gentle way is sure a lot better than being blindsided by them some day!
You're right that these are his biological children, and that they have lots of mental and emotional damage. The way that it's worked so far is that I join them for part of their appointments. I don't see Hubby doing that, but that would be his decision.
As of October 15th, I will be able to take care of them financially, without child support. Until then, I kind of expect Hubby to help me pay the bills that he helped run up. (The big bill is a $500 shut off notice for the electric, then there is SD12's birthday, and Hubby's back child support. My plan is to take on all three of these bills together, and once they are paid, I will handle the bills for this house, and he can handle whatever he has to handle.)
I'll be able to take care of them, because I have always worked high-paying professional jobs, until I became disabled. When I first started getting disability from the government, I got a "big" back-pay, that I used to buy the trailer that we are living in now. I pay $200/month lot rent, and about $50 for water and sewer. The electric isn't usually that high, of course, but obviously something happened there. I may have to let the cell phones go, or possibly cable.
Yes, Hubby is staying at Mom's right now. He says that he wants to get his own place, after he helps with the bills that need to be paid by the 15th. I've offered to let him stay here, and I would go to Mom's but he has to keep and take care of the animals, until I get a place where i can have them. The thing is, if we are here, or at my mom's, the girls don't want to live with him right now.
You're right that a few outbursts don't make him abusive. His actions were abuse, though, and the girls were/are scared. SD15's therapist noticed yesterday that SD15 wasn't as stressed, and was more laid back. I think that says something, to.
IF he does decide that we can do shared parenting with SDs (which is what he is saying now), then you are right, and I am very lucky. If not, then I don't know what will happen. I know it will be sad, no matter what, but I guess we both have to do what we have to do.
I don't know if Hubby is maybe just done with the life that we are leading. I'm okay with it, if that's the case.
As for the child support, Hubby and I have already made a plan for that, if it comes to it. I told Hubby that if the state makes him pay child support, then he can just have the handy dandy little credit card that it goes on. Maybe he will be nice enough to offer to pay one of the girls' cell phone bills, but if not, I will see what i have to do to get us a land line.
Thank you for your kind wishes, Aswang!
The only person I worry about
The only person I worry about being without is DD (16 months). She is the best thing ever and I couldn't imagine my life without her. I obviously love my husband, my parents, my siblings, etc. but it's not quite on the same level.
I have a satisfying career and I'm financially independent. I don't worry about money. If my husband I ever split up, I would tell him I wouldn't want child support or spousal support from him if he gave me full custody of DD and never saw her again. I would never want her to be in the same position my SD is in, where she has to go back and forth between houses and gets put in the middle of her parents' problems.
I used to let those fears
I used to let those fears consume my every waking moment. But..... With fear comes progress ~ with having the girls you will push on. You will get up every morning n face the day ~ somedays you will have a smile n others tears.
My hubby passed away when I was 41 ~ raising 4 kids by myself. My father passed away exactly six months later ~ 4 more deaths that year. I went to group counseling n we all became do close. We would call/text each other n our joke was. " you have fresh underwear on" if that was a yes ~ you were good.
I know things probably seem overwhelming to you n scary of the unknown but please know ~ you do have the strength n the wisdom to prevail. Just go day by day. N of course you know everyone here is there for you to vent to when things get difficult. Just let your fingers do the walking.
Chin up girl !!!