Am I overreacting?
Hello ladies,
Just looking for some input on this particular issue. Any insight would be much appreciated.
I live with my bf and his two sons (50/50 custody). Up until I moved in, my bf's son(then 7, now 9yo) slept in bf's bed every night. Once I moved, my bf's son moved to his own bed in his own room. My boyfriend would still go to bed with his son every night & wait for him to fall asleep. Of course, my bf would end up falling asleep there so of course, I ended up going to bed alone most of the time.
Occasionally I will go away for a few days to visit my mother & when I do, he will sleep with son in our bed. I had an issue with that. Of course, my bf sees nothing wrong with it. I am not there after all. I had many conversations with him to wean his now 9 yo of the co-sleeping stuff but it seems to fall on deaf ears. Since he does not care to do so, i expect, at the very least, for my bf to sleep in his son's bed.
He knows I will not tolerate this. I think my bf's son feels like it is his room just as much as ours because he has slept in the bed his entire life.
Anyways, i had told my bf that I did not want his son in our bed period. I thought I was clear but apparently I was not. When i went away this last time, i spoke to my bf every night but he hid the fact that his son was still sleeping in our bed. I only caught him the last night i was away because we were on the phone late at night & I heard his son say something to him. I knew my bf was already in bed too. I didn't say anything that very moment seeing as his son was right beside him but I was ready to the second I got back home.
Well when I got home, I noticed that my bf's son had made 2 signs. One was on our bedroom door & the other was on his own bedroom door. The one on his said "only bf & himself allowed to enter" & the one on ours said "only bf, himself & myself" were allowed to enter.
This infuriated me. There are no boundaries (along with many other things but that's a whole other post) whatsoever & this "sign" incident just proves my case. I know my bf does not see it as an issue but it's his son, not mine. He just doesn't effin' get it. Of course we fought about this but I know he will do it again when I am not there.
Am I overreacting? Do I have a right to feel like it's an invasion if my space, even if I'm not there?
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Comments
No. But you continue to live
No. But you continue to live in this environment.
I can see the kids POV. HE has always co-shared his father's bed and probably knows no other way of sleeping. It would be like telling you you HAVE to co-share with his son because it is normal in his world.
Also you moved into THEIR home. You are the 'visitor' so to speak. The ground rules for their home were already laid out and as the last person to move in, you have to suck it up buttercup. But this was 2 years ago. I could see a 3 month adjustment period but as SO has not changed a single thing it speaks volumes about how much he cares about you.
Are you able to move to another home where new ground rules can be set?
Personally I would not be able to live like this and would be moving out. In 2 years you have not become the most important person in your SOs world. You are just the girlfriend. When I was talking marriage with my DH I made it VERY clear my bedroom is just that. Mine (and his) It is not a place for the boys to come and hang out and watch TV. No. This is my bedroom and my space. Of course you could leave tampons lying around. }:)
You could move some of your stuff into SSs room. And when he makes a noise about it you can tell him "Well if I have to share my room with you you have to share your room with me." and hang out in there even when SO tells you not to. Too bad. It may even be easier for you to move SS into your bedroom permanently. Which means you moving out pretty soon and finding a man who prefers sleeping with a woman than a 9 yr old boy.
DH is doing his son a disservice. What happens when SSs friends find out he still sleeps with his father? What happens if you are out of town and SS has a sleepover?
The morality and boundary issues aside, co-sleeping at 9 yrs old when there is space for him to sleep on his own is emotionally crippling.
Oh I agree. I was being
Oh I agree. I was being sarcastic or looking at it from the kids POV.
This was THEIR place with THEIR daddy. And unless he changes things and the balance of power to reflect her equal adult status in the home she will never get it.
It is up to her SO to make that clear to his son/s. However as he hasn't done so to date you have no choice but to either live under those imposed terms or move out letting SO know that the situation is unlivable. Or you sit the prick down and tell him until he gets his offspring to respect her personal space including her bed then this (indicating her torso) is completely off limits. Does he want a partner to share his life or share his financial obligations?
That's the thing. Although
That's the thing. Although it's ridiculous that "we were here first so suck it up" that is the way a CHILD will look at it. BUT it's up to their PARENT to disabuse them of that notion.
I dealt with a similar
I dealt with a similar situation a few years ago. However, the apartment that my DH, SS, and myself lived in was MINE. They had co-slept previously, but the first night in the house, the SS was in his own room. And he was 2 at the time and is now 8. My SS now hardly comes into our room at all and knows he's not allowed on the bed. My DH and I have always agreed that the bed is personal space between SOs.
I would suggest having a (maybe long) talk with your SO about this so you two can understand each other and come to an agreement. And then the next time your bf's son comes home, you can all talk together about the new rule. I'm sure it will take adjustment, but if your bf is behind the idea, too, his son should get over any issues pretty quickly because he'll want to please Daddy. That's how it is in my house anyway. Good luck!!
I agree with LadyFace. I
I agree with LadyFace. I certainly don't want to have sex on a bed that children sleep in.
I'm not sure what made it sink in to DH that the adult bedroom is a kid-free zone, but I'm pretty sure it was the sex thing.
Though it might have been because as soon as we started implementing the rule of no kids in the bedroom, SS8 (at the time 6) became a stage 5 clinger. Constantly testing us to see if daaaaddyyy would stand firm. And we have. He tried "I just wanted to give you a hug/say I love you" or "I just wanted to see what time it is." BS lol!
I went through this when I
I went through this when I married my DH. His kids slept in bed with him & I told him before we got married that couldn't happen. So went through a few months of him going and laying in bed with the oldest till he went to sleep, then if have to go wake my husband up and tell him to come to bed. Then sometime in the night the kid would come in.. If it was after 5 he would let him stay. And it finally had to say no more. Then the kid would stand outside the door kicking and screaming until someone let him in. Until I had a miscarriage and DH finlt told him he could not come in our room bc I was sad about the baby and needed some time alone did the kid stop coming in.