I haven't posted in a long time and so much has happened. Sorry if its long and drags on.

Until yesterday we hadn't seen/talked to SD since the end of April.
SO texted her a few times and she wouldn't answer him. He would periodically get texts from BM saying the usual, you are an asshole, youre pathetic etc..
It was SD's birthday a few weeks back, and at the advice of SO's mom and sister, we did not acknowledge it. SD called SO's sister the night before her birthday asking about a birthday present, and told her that she was going to call SO. SIL called me and said that all SD wants from us is a birthday present so she suggests that we don't acknowledge her birthday since we have tried to contact her for over a month and have been ignored.
The following week SO got a text from SD that asked if they could go out to talk. He told her that he was out of town for work but would be in town Wednesday night. No response. He didn't hear from her again.
That Friday SO gets a text from BM's phone that states its from BM's boyfriend. And how dare we not call her on her birthday, how dare he tell her he would be home Wednesday and then not contact her again. He told SO he was pathetic and a shit father. Well....it took everything in me to hold SO back from driving over to their house and beat the crap out of this newbie boyfriend. The only saving grace was that we told BM that her phone is blocked so we do not receive her messages. If he had of gone over there, they would have know that they aren't blocked.
I managed to convince SO to just drop it.
The following week, another text from BM's boyfriend, this time from his phone. He said the same thing basically. Telling SO he's a shit dad etc. SO replied and told him to mind his own business. Well newbie BF thought it was a good idea to then call SO, and proceeed to yell at him, and call him more names, and tell him he will meet him anywhere, anytime. BIG MISTAKE!
SO lost it! Yelled back at him and told him that if he ever calls him about his daughter again he will kill him.
I had had enough. SO was out of town for work so I took it upon myself to go over there. I tried talking calmly to newbie and tell him that he and I are in the same position and we have no right to tell either one of them what to do or how to raise their child. Newbie didn't want to hear it. He just yelled and yelled at me in the driveway. Classy fella he is.
I said my piece and left and didn't hear from either one of them again.

In between all this, there has been a lot of drama behind the scenes. SIL told me that SD made some pretty serious lies up about newbie, that BM is sick of her and wants to get rid of her, she's getting in trouble at school etc. SO and I talked a great deal about the situation and we decided together that it was dangerous for us to be alone with SD and to take her overnight, until she is assessed and we know what we are dealing with here. We also don't want to give her the impression that everything she did was ok, by letting everything go back to normal.

SD texted SO earlier this week and asked to see him on fathers day and he said ofcourse. I had a spa day yesterday with my bestie and then went to my parents for dinner. SO took SD for a walk and ice cream. That was the plan anyways. I get home at about 7:30 and see SD's shoes at the door. The I see that she is sitting in the back yard with SO.
Wait. What? Did we not discuss that she was not allowed at our house? I think we did.
I let it go, and figured whatever, its fathers day. Just shut up SM.
I went out and said hi and she said hi. I went in the house and they came in a few mins later and SO asked if I wanted to go for a walk. So we went for a walk, and SO says, right in front of her, SD wants to come camping next weekend! It was a statement as in "shes coming". It was not asking my opinion. It was telling me shes coming. In my head, I lost it. What do you mean she's coming camping? We have been planning this trip for weeks. For us. Not for us and a girl who has been ignoring us for almost 3 months. How could he do this? How could he not talk to me about this before telling her she could come. SD could see that I was upset because she kept going on and on about it to piss me off. "I'm so excited daddy. What should I bring daddy? We're gonna have so much fun daddy." PUKE!!!

I knew this was going to be a war. I knew that when he got back from taking her home we were going to have it out. There is no way in hell I am going camping with this kid, not after everything she has done to us. I knew as soon as I told him I wasn't going camping that he would freak and it would be a big fight about how I don't like SD etc.
When he got back, he was the one who brought it up. I started with "I am upset that you didn't discuss it with me before you told her she could come", and he got very defensive.
But then he shocked me. He didn't yell. He didn't get mad. He let me talk. I explained how I felt about taking her over night and that I was not ok with it yet. I told him that he is rushing this and that we need to ease back into seeing her and that he needs to repair his relationship with her. Not me.
I told him that he needs to see things from my side and understand that she makes me uncomfortable in my own house and that that isn't fair.
It was such a great conversation. He apologized for not talking to me about it. We have a plan in place that before shes back to our house again, we are going to sit her down and talk to her about everything and explain our house rules and what is expected of her.
He stuck up for me and said that she will be told that she is to respect me or she is not welcome back.
So I guess we will see how it goes.