Loyalty- Black or White?
This isn't step related but a topic we talk a lot about on here.
Loyalty.
I have a question on loyalty and I want some feedback on it.
I'm not going to get into the whole story because it is really long and complicated. So I am not trying to be vauge on purpose, but I will fill in details if needed.
Question- when it comes to loyalty.
If your older and only (blood) sister didnt like a family because of something to do with her own daughter. But you have known the family most of your life and are friends with them and have been even before your sister had issues with them. The family didnt do anything horrible to your sister or her daughter. (my niece) And really it was 1 individual who may be guilty of doing something and the rest of the family (who I am really friends with) are guilty by association.
Niece (18 years old) wants to know this family more and sister is adamant on not letting it happen.
Some of my sisters feelings are legit. But IMO, most are not. Her feelings about the situation are causing issues with her own daughter and day to day life and she is bitter, anger and unhappy. However she won't change her stance at all. Very stubborn. And will probably never change.
So if sis says you are not loyal to her. That no matter if she is right or wrong, as family I should stand behind her. Do you agree? Is loyalty that black and white?
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I have mixed feelings about
I have mixed feelings about almost everything, I live in the grey area it seems. I think like most things it just depends on the circumstances. I believe in doing what is right above anything else. If my blood relative killed someone and told me about it I would have a difficult time keeping that a secret out of "loyalty" but, then again, because I live in the grey area, if my blood relative killed someone out of some vigilante revenge because that someone killed a child, well I might just help hide the body lol.
Loyalty, IMO, is not black and white. I think respect, however, is. Respect your sisters wishes and opinions. Don't interfere and make arrangements for your niece to "hang out" with people whom your sister doesn't want her to be around or anything, but there is nothing wrong with answering questions truthfully and speaking on behalf of your own opinion, so long as you aren't working in your own personal agenda somehow.
What does your relationship
What does your relationship with your sister have to do with your relationship with this family? You don't have to dislike someone because your sister does. That's silly. If my sister said to me that I wasn't loyal to her because I want to be friends with someone she doesn't like I would tell her to grow the eff up.
Basically my sister had a kid
Basically my sister had a kid with the guy when she was a teenager. He was a tool and left her bc he was into drugs. His family didnt really help my sister or seem that concerned with my niece. She moved on and met now BIL. Niece was about a year at this time. Eventually sister and BIL and niece moved away.
When the BD wanted to see niece, my sister made it difficult for him. In some ways she was right. In other ways she was wrong.
Fast foward- niece is 18 and wants relationship with family. My sister is very against it. This family loves niece as she is part of thier family. They have done stupid stuff but no one is perfect.
BD has sisters that are my age and we have been friends. I was even in 1 sister's wedding last year.
Other sister is getting married this summer. Niece wants to go to wedding. Me and my mom were invited and wanted to go.
My sister is mad about it. Feels that since she doesnt want my niece going, that my mom and I shouldnt go. We should show loyalty to sis.
I think initially my sister keeping niece from family was right. Now years 17+ have passed. People have changed. Niece wants relationship with family. My sister makes niece feel bad about it.
*plese dont assume my sister is "that" BM. In some ways she is. But other ways she has her reasons for feeling the way she does. Like I said, there is a lot to this story, some stuff I know and some stuff I am sure I dont know.
Your niece is 18, your sister
Your niece is 18, your sister has done her job and likely a good one raising her, now it is time to let niece make her own choices and learn from her own mistakes. Your sister should be there to offer advice, kind words and honesty. If it all blows up in niece's face then your sister needs to be there to offer a shoulder not an "I told you so"
I'm sure she has a lot of feelings and is justified in some of them, but this is out of her control now. This is not a loyalty issue, it's a forgiveness issue. It's okay if your sister isn't ready to forgive, but making your niece feel bad for curiosity regarding her OWN family is not fair.
Thank you. This is what I
Thank you. This is what I have tried to have my sister understand.
At the end of the day I dont care if she is "that" BM, the worlds worse person or best person- she is still my sister. And I hate that she feels I am not on her side or being loyal to her.
The young lady is 18. She
The young lady is 18. She doesn't need her BM's permission to now get to know her father and/or his family. It sounds as if your sister realizes this now that niece is an adult...so she's pulling the 'loyalty' card.
I frankly wouldn't discuss it with your sister, that you will not get into the middle of whatever is going on between mother and daughter and their 'loyalty' battles. That whatever BM and her daughter's issues between each other are on this subject stays between them. You won't be dragged into it. As far as the wedding, you went to one and you intend to go to the next. If niece wants to tag along, she's welcome to. It has nothing to do with whether or not you care for your sister. If this niece really wants to go badly enough she'll find a way to do so with or without you help. I'd rather have mu young adult child go with her beloved Aunt than niece go by herself and not anyone with her that could help her if need be and keep an eye on her in case niece needed some support.
Thank you. And that is my
Thank you. And that is my thought about the wedding as well.
Meh...I think your sister has
Meh...I think your sister has valid reason to not like this family. I also do not think anyone can TELL her how to feel about this family and when she should get over it.
However...your niece is 18 and will most likely make her own way to seeing the family. And once she does...she may not like them at all.
As for the sister equation...I would probably be hurt if my sister was hanging out with people that I feel wronged me. But, if like you say...the other family really did not do to much to get your sister angry, your sis may just get over it quickly.
Willow- I do agree with your
Willow- I do agree with your first sentence.
I just see how she feels and how it affects everyone, even herself. Kind of like when you hate someone its like drinking posion and expecting the other person to die- or whatever that saying is. Being so angry about it still, isnt working for her. She and my niece have a horrible relationship now because of it. Niece is a mess- having issues all around in her life.
I think BD is an ass-Yes. I dont speak to him. The other family is just guilty by association. I dont agree with my sister being mad at them.
My niece has met her BD once. He came to where niece lives and met her for dinner. Niece has also seen one of her aunts (M) who is my close friend. So she saw her at my bridal shower and wedding last year. Well actually she saw M at my Grandma's funeral last week as well. And another aunt who was there who knew my Grandma.
I love my sister and hate to fight with her. She may be guilting me to get her own way and have control and that does suck. But at the end of the day she is my sis.
I am all about loyalty to
I am all about loyalty to family. I know there are some grey areas but I wouldn't make my family uncomfortable just because I wanted to go do something. On the other hand like people said, your neice is 18 and she needs to make her own choices. BUT, I would hate it if my brother went and hung out with my ex's family. That's weird.
My SO's uncle is "friends" with BM on Facebook. BM will make nasty comments about me or SO and the uncle will always agree with BM and make comments!! It's creepy, but I think the Uncle should be loyal to his family.
I get what you are saying. I
I get what you are saying.
I will say that we come from a small town where everyone is related in like 5 different ways and everyone knows everyone.
I was friends with family before my sister and BD even hooked up.
My mom and BD's mom work together.
One of BD's sister (actually whose wedding it is) lived next door to my Grandma for many years and her and her stbDH helped take care of my Grandma- mowed her lawn, shoveled the sidewalks, etc for her.
So our families were already innertwined with each other.
Being so angry about it
Being so angry about it still, isnt working for her. She and my niece have a horrible relationship now because of it. Niece is a mess- having issues all around in her life.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Have you told her this? I feel bad for everyone in this situation.
Yes....but she still thinks
Yes....but she still thinks she is so right... she is being very selfish. I think at one point in her life she thought BD's family was out and she wouldnt have to deal with them. That her and BIL gave my niece so much that she would be happy not knowing BD and family. I think she convinced herself of this (for whatever reasons) and that just isn't the case. My niece has even told her to not take it so personally and that she can never be replaced.
My sister is hurting. My niece is hurting. My mom is hurting (her kids are fighting, her daughter is mad at her, her grandaughter is hurting, her daughter is hurting). We just buried my Grandma last week and there is a family fued going on amongst my mom's siblings. It's just overall a very sad state for my family right now.
Last sentence- not sure if
Last sentence- not sure if that was just a general statement- but no one I am related to by DNA cheated- the BD is the one that cheated.