Do we invite SD on our vacation?
MIL turns 70 this year and she lives about a 34 hour drive away from us. She really wants us to there for her birthday in June and she has mentioned a few times to me that she would love if we would bring SD13. SD has asked her a few times if she can go spend a couple weeks with her in the summer but MIL has to keep telling her no because she can't handle her by herself.
We haven't seen/spoken to SD in a month and MIL knows this. We have kept her informed with everything that has been going on.
I really want to go visit her because I have never been there, and yes it would be nice for SD to be there for her grandmothers birthday, but I feel like if we invite her then we are just giving in to what she wants. We would have to pay $500+ for her flight plus food etc. I just feel like she would only say yes because its a free vacation for her.
I tried to hint at that fact to MIL but she doesn't get it. She's in dreamland and thinks all this stuff is going to work itself out with SD and that bringing her on the trip will help her to see that things don't have to be this way.
Honestly I don't want to go on a trip with her. I want to go and relax and spend time with SO and meet his extended family and friends from his hometown. I don't want to have to worry about entertaining a bratty 13 year old kid. We probably won't go again for another few years and MIL probably wont come here to visit until next year so this would be SD's only chance to see her so i'm just not sure what to do.
Would you invite her?
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Because it's family, yes. I
Because it's family, yes. I understand it's also your vacation and this probably isn't your idea of a good time, but it's SD's extended family too. it doesn't sound like there are many opportunities for her to see her grandma; and both grandma and SD want to see each other. I personally would really struggle knowing I'm the one that preventing that from happening.
And at 13, I think they're all kind of bratty.
Even though she is refusing
Even though she is refusing to talk to her dad and wont come to our house anymore?
Hmmm....This is a toughie.
Hmmm....This is a toughie. There are pros and cons here that you need to measure.
My answer hinges on one question. You stated that MIL obviously wants to see SD13. How does SD13 feel about MIL?
They are close and talk every
They are close and talk every week. SD has asked MIL a few times if she can go there for the summer but MIL just can't handle her alone. She's too old now.
No offence to you but you
No offence to you but you would not be able to handle THIS 13 year old on your own. Her extended family lives 3 hours away from her so she is literally all by herself. SD has serious issues and some mental problems that we are working on getting diagnosed. I know that there is no way MIL could handle her. She had her for a week 2 years ago and couldn't do it.
No not physically out of
No not physically out of control. She doesn't need to be restrained or anything lol. She's just very difficult. Honestly we don't even know what's wrong with her. As I said we are in the process of getting her diagnosed. I can't explain her issues without going into a book lol
I am tempted to side with the
I am tempted to side with the others here and say no, BUT, since SD13 and MIL are close, I would make an effort to try and include her on this trip provided she can be convinced to be on her best behavior. The reason I say this is, if you don't bring SD13 and - God forbid - something happen to MIL, SD13 is NEVER going to forget that.
Anyways, when my SS acted up on our family trip, I told him straight out that I would drive him to the nearest airport and send him home. If he wants to be an ass, he can be an ass at home while the rest of us enjoy our vacation.
Take SD, go and relax! SD
Take SD, go and relax! SD should NOT be YOUR problem whilst on vacation. If she acts the fool while you are there? Not your problem.
I don't mean that she would
I don't mean that she would necessarily be my problem except that she would be around so I would have to deal with her. She would be hanging off of SOs ass and I know I wouldn't get 2 seconds alone with him.
Ok yeah, that would suck.
Ok yeah, that would suck. Leave the butt parasite at home
I don't know how to say this
I don't know how to say this without being blunt, if I were in your shoes on this, I would ask myself "would I bring SD13 along if it was the Grandmother's dying wish?". I say it that way bc life can be so short and she is already 70 years old. But seriously though if you do bring SD13 with, let her spend one day alone with her Grandma as you and SO get some relaxing alone time in.
After reading your last blog,
After reading your last blog, there is no way I would let her go. If she can't even acknowledge her father at a counselors office, I sure wouldn't bring her with you. The lack of respect isn't going to improve because of a free vacation.
I find that taking skids
I find that taking skids anywhere, extended vacations or long-weekends or even overnight, causes a marked uptick in their diva behavior. Double that when it's a get-away with relatives who coddle them.
I say no, don't bring her. It'll be a $500+ nightmare, all for a MIL who may or may not be meddling in your/DHs handling of the SD.
Heck no I wouldn't invite
Heck no I wouldn't invite her. The fate of them ever seeing each other again does not rest on this trip or on your shoulders.
Um, she was so uncomfortable
Um, she was so uncomfortable Seeing her father, you two had to be taken into another office so she wouldn't have to look at you guys when she walked past you to exit. What on gods green earth would get from That to having h have to sit next to this Terrifying man on a Plane? To have to be in the same House (or hotel) with him?
Um. No. Just NO. If she can't tell a shrink the truth and has to "protected" from the discomfort of Seeing he father in some office... There is no way in hell taking her on a vacation is a reasonable idea. Tell MiL SD can't handle being around you and her father so it's just not going to happen. This is a ridiculous idea based on what just happened at the interview.
I completely agree. It's all
I completely agree. It's all part of her game. Now that you bring that up, I just had a thought....If we DID invite her to come and she DID say yes, well wouldn't that just prove to BM, counselor and the whole world that she's lying about everything? That she's not scared of SO? That she's just being a brat and that she really has no valid reason for cutting him out of her life?
I'm not sure you understand
I'm not sure you understand how manipulative these people can be... If she said yes, she would make it out that she is the long-suffering victim... This is the ONLY way she can see her Almost Dead Grandmother, she's only doing it for Grandma, no matter how abused she may be, she'll sacrifice so that Grandma can be Happy!!
No, it will open you both up to more accusations, more drama, more slander. And this kid having a melt down on the plane that Daddy is being Meeeaaannn to her, is Not something you want to have happen. Or get there and have her melt down to the n'th degree, and pitch a fit so bad that someone winds up spending more money to fly her back early. It's just a Bad idea. She will lie. She will lie to SO's family and tell them he's a terrible person. She will lie when she gets home that she was TRYING and was horribly mistreated. And if she and BM chose to get the cops and the court involved in her lies, then you and your SO can be in a world of hurt.
You know she's willing to lie. Until she becomes trustworthy, you need to limit contact and be very particular about the kinds of contact you do allow. Nothing alone with either of you, no over-nights. I may be a little paranoid myself, but even if this kid said she Wanted to see Dad at this point, I'd be doing only in public vists - have BM drop her off at the mall or the restaurant or the park or whatever and never be alone with her Anywhere. That's just me. But once a COD starts lying, particularly to someone other their their other parent, I don't trust them as far as I can spit.
^^THIS^^
^^THIS^^
We went through something
We went through something similar to this with my SD and MIL back when SD was about that age. MIL is 70 years old too and its a tough call being she wants your SD13 there. Can MIL afford to haul SD? In our case, we ended up not bringing SD with us but MIL didn't care either way. My MIL said "something is wrong with that girl!!!" to Mr. Starla but MIL would have treated SD good if she did come. Honestly, both of us are glad that we did NOT bring SD along.
Personally I would take her,
Personally I would take her, but arrange for her to spend time with GM and other relatives alone so that you and SO get a break from her. However you state that you don't want this to happen.
If your husband has other extended family near his mothers, could one of them take care of SD for a week sometime over the summer? This way she could go down separately from you but still get a chance to spend time with her gran and other family members. Yes you and DH would still end up paying for the trip but the relationship between a grandmother and grandchild can be very important. Your SD could learn a lot from some time with GM perhaps she will learn to appreciate the perspective of the older generations than herself, or perhaps she will just be spoiled rotten by her relatives. Either way she is reinforcing family connections that will mean a lot to her now and in the future.
Not talking to her dad for a month is hardly anytime in the scheme of things and is probably just a teenage tantrum. In time she will get over it. Being denied the opportunity to have a closer relationship with her relatives because of it seems petty to me (although admittedly I don't have to live with her behavior). If it were a trip to disney land or a music concert with her friends I could understand denying it as a punishment, but to deny her developing a healthy relationship with her relatives because she doesn't have a healthy relationship currently with her dad only reinforces her position and will push her further away from him.
No, I wouldn't invite her. I
No, I wouldn't invite her. I wouldn't give up my vacation time nor my family time to be on constant alert for SD drama. Total opposite of what my vacations are for (relaxing) and not the impression I want to make on my in-laws (distracted, embarrassed for SD, frustrated, angry).
If DH wants to take her, he pays out of HIS pocket and takes 100% responsibility. But I'd have to see him do that when she's over already, because I wouldn't want the family visit to be the trial run.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!! She does NOT
ABSOLUTELY NOT!! She does NOT deserve to go on a free holiday with you guys with that nasty-ass attitude of hers!!
SD13 in our case is the same - she hasn't spoken to nor visited since Sept 2013. She believes her Father owes HER respect, not the other way round. SO is standing firm and is not giving in to her.
MIL contacts her whenever she wants. She goes to BM's house and picks up both SD and SS and takes them out for a treat. SO is fine with this because the relationship is between her and her grandkids. She is also 70 years old.
MIL has tried to get SD to apologise for her rotten, vindictive behaviour, to no avail.
As long as SD stays away from us, we are fine. We would never, ever, EVER take her on ANY holidays/vacations because she would be a gigantic pain in the butt and drive us all crazy. No way would I take her - even if it cost me $2.00 - she doesn't deserve this treat.
I would get a message
I would get a message (?email) to her saying: just to let you know, we will be out of town from X date to Y date. We are going to see MIL. We had hoped you would come with us, but since you aren't comfortable around us right now, that obviously isn't possible. Hope to see you before or after.
That way a) HER fault.
punished for her rubbish abt not being comfortable. And c) she may try to back out of bit being comfortable but then you have open communication to ask why she said she was. And you discuss it WITH the counselling place.