Adult stepkids refuse to meet me - my life is isolation
So nice to find this forum. I've been with my partner for almost six years - we both separated from our spouses because of our relationship. Difficult times for everyone involved to say the least. I have two sons from my previous marriage (7 and 9) and he has two adult kids aged 23 and 26. We have an 18month old son together. His children blame me for the break up of their parents. While his relationship to his kids was rocky at the start it now has strengthened again - but of course he feels guilty. His divorce process has been an ongoing nightmare as his ex drags her feet and things are very nasty. His kids dont want to know me and after all these years I find it very very hard to take all the blame and be surrounded by all this negative stuff. His friends basically left him back then - there is quite an age difference between us and everyone expected us to fail... the relationship has been so very hard and we have gone through hell. Somehow we survived - more or less. But it seems impossible to move on. I love him deeply but am so worn down by all this negative space. I live in isolation. He works a lot and the only time we have a live together is if we go away on trips. His daughter has now moved back into town (son lives overseas). I understand that he needs a relationship with his kids and that he needs to be happy but I simply cant come to terms with the reality... we have lived in separate homes until now because of all the problems. He wants to spend one week holiday with eahc of his adult kids per year and spend time with his daughter when she is here... I dont have a problem with that but I do have a problem with the lack of boundaries... we are meant to go overseas in May and his son wants to spend one week with him which means I have to leave one week earlier with our wee boy (whom his son has so far refused to meet including me). One side of me tells me that I have to just rise above it all, that its about loyalty binds to their mother etc and not necessarily about me but the other side feels that there have to be rules of engagement. Happy for him to spend time alone with his kids - of course - no question! But not happy that I'm always left out and excluded... this year I was even left at xmas so he can have lunch with them 10km away... this negative feeling is like a cancer in my heart. I now feel bitter towards his kids, his weekly dinner with his daughter, movie nights etc while I sit at home with our son... or have to leave a country earlier because his son does not want to even meet me... I feel so deeply hurt and disrespected by them but also by my partner...his daughter has met her baby brother but wont meet me... Im at the end and although I dont want to manage another child from a broken relationship I dont know that I can just accept this, have him move in and live this kinds of future... What can I expect from him and them? Soemtimes I feel like I dont know right and wrong anymore... Fundamentally I believe that change has to start with yourself and I need to get a thicker skin - but the hurt of it all gets in the way of the execution.... any advice appreciated. Thanks!
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Dh needs to step up and
Dh needs to step up and support you. His kids are grown and they need to get over his decision to be with you.
Thanks for your comment. He
Thanks for your comment. He has tried many times but it only led to straining their relationship of course. I appreciate that he cant force them and that he is scared to lose them if he expects basic things... they decided they cant hate their Dad and now I'm getting the whole load of anger and resentment... I dont want to take their Dad away and apparently they dont even think that he should still be with their mother but still... Im the one to blame. And his guilt only creates more guilt really...
Thanks for your point!
Thanks for your point!
Thanks. I dont expect to be
Thanks. I dont expect to be welcomed with open arms. I have no right to do that - fully understand and agree. I also want them to have a relationship and dont need to be a part of that. But that is different to being totally ignored, having to fly on a different plane with our wee son while he goes across with his adult daughter a few days earlier etc. I feel that there are also boundaries when it comes to our wee son and 'our family'. I put up with being harassed and threatened by their mother for two long years til I finally had enough. She now has a new partner and their kids have no issue with her moving on. You are right - many things are no big deal unless I make it one... letting go is so hard though... Four years ago I had a termination because he didnt want the baby - although prior to that he wanted nothing more... when it happened he turned on me, told me he would not feed my kids , that he had changed... it really happened because he had not sorted his own guilt issues and his ongoing separation battles as well as his kids - financially as well as emotionally... I gave him another chance afterwards - we both love our wee boy - but the hurt and broken trust remains and had not healed... that issue is there to be honest. I wish I could let go of that. Life is too short for anger, resentment and bitterness... but I feel so stuck and dont know how to help myself. Thanks!
No need to feel sorry - no
No need to feel sorry - no need to feel angry. No one was 'knocked up', no one was a mistress for years. But thanks for your common sense!
Wow - you actually just made
Wow - you actually just made me laugh! Im glad 'you're right':)
I have to agree with Monkey.
I have to agree with Monkey.
You helped destroy their family. Now you expect them to play nice with you. You want them to respect and accept your family. The very thing you refused to do for their family.
Karma is very real.
You have to create a separate
You have to create a separate life for yourself for a while -- holidays, evenings out, for you and your three boys. Continue to let your DH connect with his children, and stop thinking about it so much. We can't control how people view us. Truly. Wish them the best, support DH, and raise your young boys with DH and without him when he's with his other children.
THANK YOU - that is really
THANK YOU - that is really helpful! You are right - we cant help how other people view us. Appreciate your advice. Some things I just need to let go...
Like someone else said, it
Like someone else said, it would be a bit unfair of you to expect these people to welcome you with open arms.
THANK YOU for your post... no
THANK YOU for your post... no support to them as such although he pays uni fees for his daughter etc which is fair enough. Its a long and sad story but at the end of the day its all about healthy boundaries. I dont expect to be welcomed with open arms... that is fair enough. But as it stands its all on their terms... it becomes our problem as a couple. I understand he is in a bind and he gets so angry if I even mention anything as he is just scared to lose them... of course I would never want that. Thanks for listening and seeing!
Will do! Its reassuring to
Will do! Its reassuring to know that others have similar problems... merci
Luckymommie's SDs; like most
Luckymommie's SDs; like most dealt with here; do not have valid reasons for their actions. The OP's SKs have a very valid reaso. n for treating her the way they do.
There was another SM here who cheated with her SO. Once he left his wife, she was miserable because he was racked with guilt for what he had done to his wife and kids. He would spend time at his ex's house. Was desperate to keep things equal between his BMs and hers. Came up with one excuse after another why he could not move in with her.
Their relationship eventually fell apart.
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Thank you ripleyV2 for your
Thank you ripleyV2 for your encouraging words! Im glad to hear your perspective and fullheartedly agree. I was with my ex for ten year of my life and know that I have tried. And I never gave up my family easily. Of course hindsight is a good thing and there are things I'd do differently if I'd have a chance. But not falling in love with my current partner although both of us would have -on principle- never thought that this kid of 'immoral' thing would happen to us... sigh... But life taught us a real lesson here. Which is why I have stuck by it through life in hell over the last six years. No black and white story. Live the life I want - yes. Wise words. So thanks for seeing the big picture and acknowledging the skeletons we all hide...
Thank you for your wise words
Thank you for your wise words - very helpful advice!! That gives me hope... its true I cant change my life for them any more...
Its tough when Skids blame
Its tough when Skids blame you. SS17 blames me for his parents separation, even though his dad and I got together a year after BM and OH had split up and BM was the one who had 3 affairs with different men in the space of 18 months while OH was away.
Thing was, OH was still using BM for sex on odd visits, so the skids would see OH at the house with BM. What didnt help was that BM told Skids that OH and I had had an affair years ago, which was not true.
Thank you - its a rugged
Thank you - its a rugged road... blame, emotions... I try to remind myself what it means to love and fundamentally I believe in it on every level. So scary to find myself twisted.
His chilldren will most
His chilldren will most likely never accept you. They will probably openly reject you as long as they live. That's your cross to bear for seeking a married man. So why isn't it HIS cross to bear too? Why are his children faulting you and forgiving him? You didn't do this to them. You and your partner did this to them.
I'm no defender of the mistress who chooses to become involved with a married man. I also do not fault a spouse who got cheated on. So who does that leave to address, and who apparently is getting a free pass in all of this? Your partner, the philanderer.
I do have some sympathy for you because you seem to be getting all the blame and your partner is allowing that. His kids' mistreatment of you is unacceptable if he is exempt from this mistreatment. Does he not see the double standard here?
Your husband should be defending you and standing up to his children's disrespect for you. He can't make them accept you but he can insist they treat you civilly. He may be find himself in a situation someday where he may have to choose between having a relationship with you and having a relationship with them. But in the interim, I think you should insist your partner stand up for you.
Thank you Tabby. Yes i agree
Thank you Tabby. Yes i agree its my burden to carry and a consequence. But there are limits, shades of grey etc... I cant force them to accept me, I cant force him to challenge them... I suppose change has to start with me... maybe that will change the universe.
They can forgive dad because
They can forgive dad because they love him unconditionally.
^^ And that, of course, is
Maybe I'm jaded but I would likely be disappointed in my father if he did this. And I would treat both him and his mistress with civility and respect (we're all human, we all make mistakes), but I would never whole-heartedly embrace my father while openly mistreating his affair-partner. Then again, these skids are/were young and lack life-experience that helps keep situations like this a little bit more in perspective.
Again, much of this falls on the OP's partner's shoulders. Will he continue to allow the mistreatment? And will the OP wait around long enough for the partner to do the right thing? Only she can decide that.
Of course - that is true. And
Of course - that is true. And they should. Thanks
I was 16/17 when my dad left
I was 16/17 when my dad left my mother for my stepmum (they remain unmarried and did not have children). My brother was 19 and university, had to drop out as my dad refused to give my mother any help and I was doing my finals in high school. I also went back a year because of the bomb of personally finding out daddy dearest was doing the adulterous jiggy with SM and having the difficult tasks of telling my mother.
I didn't meet my SM until after a year or so, but only because I didnt speak to my father for at least 6 months, our relationship is far from close now.
Annie it sounds like your path has been difficult to the extreme and it was one you and your OH have chosen. Its sad to hear that your skids only blame you though. My anger was directed at my father and while I will admit I thought my SM's behaviour poor and immoral, my dad had betrayed my mother and behaved like a selfish prick towards my mother and I when he left. He was theadulterer.
I think your OH is feeling so relieved because he is able to have a relationship with his children he is imo at times behaving discourteous towards his small son, its like he is forgotten and any obligations towards you and your relationship together. If he is *with* you, then there will be times he cannot and should not push you aside to rush to skids side. Yes its really sad that he is like a dog grateful for any opportunity, as while its great he loves the skids and so he should, its overriding sense at times. Making you fly ahead and with small child? Living apart? What benefit is that to ds? To you? Its almost like he is one foot out of the door...alll the time. Waiting for that better offer. Why couldnt he just be honest and tell skid "damn, sorry son I am out of the country that date. What about x date or what other dates can you do?"
It sounds to me you are happy he has a relationship with skids and support this but not to such an extent that it is detrimental toyour future, yours and your childs life. What is sad in this is that ds is getting the short end of the stick if thats all he gets from your OH, he doesnt deserve that. Maybe its times you realised HE deserves better even if you dont believe you do.
Dear Delilah. Thank you for
Dear Delilah. Thank you for your perspective - it really helps me. Of course have I tried many times to put myself into their shoes and what it would be like. Its not a black and white story - the shades of grey make it difficult. I know he is just so happy to have this relationship with his kids again and he is fully aware that its on their terms mainly... while he is partially out of the door - or in it - I have to admit that I have also been pushing him away because so much stuff has happened and hurt has been caused. So maybe Im just too afraid to try it full heartedly... my problem is that I can see most sides of the story only too well... you are right. its about having a good future for me and our family... and lettign go of ideals. Thanks again for your honesty!
Dear imaSmom - That is very
Dear imaSmom - That is very very true - it hurts - but that is good. So thank you!
While I think you wanting a
While I think you wanting a relationship with his kids may be asking a bit much...you should support your DH in having a relationship with them. They are mad and hurt...justifiably so. Is it 100% your fault? No..it takes two to tango. He also made that choice. The difference being he's their dad. You're 'the other woman'. I would concentrate on your own kids and finding things to do for yourself when he has his time with his kids. If you back off, they may even respect you (although never admit it)for not pushing for a relationship.
The ball is in their court on this..nothing you or DH says can change it. Put your efforts into your marriage and biokids.
Hmm - I have thought that
Hmm - I have thought that too. There is not much he can do. You are right - I have to concentrate on my kids and backing off is probably a good idea... as it is is becomes this all consuming unhealthy obsession almost... thank you!
He's not divorced yet, mark
He's not divorced yet, mark my words- those kids and BM are marking time until he comes back to them. That's why they won't interact with you.
I wondered about that - maybe
I wondered about that - maybe at the start yes - now its more about punishment. His wife knows him very well of course and knows how he reacts to conflict with his kids... I just find it all very sad. Thanks
Dear exhustedSM - thank you
Dear exhustedSM - thank you for your message. And thanks for not bashing me - while Im used to it to some extend - its exactly the not knowing of the circumstances and our previous relationships. So I appreciate your approach! You are right re- MY LIFE. Yes... very true. I know that I have to make the change here.
Hi. Just wondering how things
Hi. Just wondering how things have worked out for you. I'm in an almost identical situation. My husband and I have been together 3 years, we are married now and just found out I am pregnant. Half of his kids (ages 14-30) still refuse to meet me and the holidays are always an interesting topic/event. They blame me for the divorce even though the exwife had numerous affairs herself, refused counseling and basically gave my husband no other choice. I also have 2 kids (5 and 8). Would love to hear if you've made any progress! Thanks!