Apparently I control the weather also.
:sick:
I went to a special event with SO for his volunteer work Small presentation. We dropped SS8 off at Rigjt time kids a drop off babysitting gig Before we picked him up we got a beer and appetizer. Was nice. Then it started.
SO said he talked to SS8 about me moving in (fully) I've actually lived with them and had an alternate place all year. He says he told SS8 I'm moving in at the end of the month completely. He asked. SS8 if he thought I lived with them already. He said no. SO asked him if he knows where I live SS8 says idk. He asked SS8 "does that affect you in any way ". Yes. He asked him that. Luckily the child said no prob to protect dear old dads wishes. I told SO "so you asked him for permission ? Let him be able to tell you know. It's not his choice. There in lies the problem."
Later in this convo SO basically asks me why I let everything about SS8 get to me. Why I always choose to have negative thoughts about SS8. I wanted to cry and scream in frustration. I choose and chose for a long time to be extremely positive and care very deeply about SS8 and then I realized how manipulative he was over time. Sometimes are good yes but his naive nature when I comes to the reality of his son is what will have to be discussed in counseling.
Then we were silent. Picked up the kid. Went home. We have counseling Friday.
I feel blamed for my frustrations in this situation w this manipulative child who holds too many cards. I told him this and that his feelings toward me as SO isolate me.
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Sorry, I see what you've
Sorry, I see what you've written a bit differently.... Seemingly your SO has 'given' all the cards to his son. The child doesn't have any power but what he is given, so the problem is who's giving him all the power. And why. Just talk to him and ask him, but maybe before you move all in?
You are right. It is SO that
You are right. It is SO that is the problem. I realize this and sometimes SS8 acts out but he's not actually a bad child. I told him we have to talk to out counselor about this Friday
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm trying my BEST to see it
I'm trying my BEST to see it like this I am really TRYING. To see that he gave him the ellusion of control even though in reality he had none. It feels so awful though.
I see now, after some back
I see now, after some back and forth between us, what's possibly at the root of your frustration. I wondered when you talked about your date nights not going as planned if this was not about the kid, but about you and your SO. It looks to me like it really is.
If I could offer some things to consider, all meant with kindness! The boy has been an easy target for your frustrations, because kids ARE annoying sometimes. But he possibly doesn't deserve so much of the blame. If you're feeling your SO doesn't really have your back, that will easily make you feel insecure. If he isn't expressing and demonstrating his love to you, that will make you feel insecure. When he turns to anyone other than you for an opinion ABOUT YOU, that will make you feel insecure. Insecurity is what all our "internal crazy" feeds on.
Can you try to view his son in a new light? Because, it's an unfortunate cycle I notice you (and soooo many others! Don't feel badly!) find yourself in - SO does something to make you feel insecure. While feeling insecure, SS does something that easily makes you mad. You complain about SS to SO, SO thinks you're a meany. SO pulls back a bit. You feel more insecure because SO pulled back. Repeat. Does that make sense?
Makes perfect sense. I told
Makes perfect sense. I told SO that he is the reason I resent SS8 he drives the wedge that exists between us by catering to him. Much of last year it was an extreme of the child being able to control the house. I thought we had worked on this enough and it sounded all too familiar. SO makes me despise the kid. He's not TOO bad of a kid and he could be ALOT worse esp if he chose to be b/c SO wouldn't have my back I'm pretty sure. He didn't most of the year last year it took some eye opening for him to see WTF he was allowing to happen.
You are 100% correct about the cycle.
last night and sometimes I hate everything the kid stands for, he's a reminder that SO actually dated someone BEFORE having a kid (not long she got preg. within a few weeks) but at some point he actually knew what it was to date a PERSON not let your child control your life and now I get this watered down frustrating version of him, of his attention and his love.
I get to be psychoanalyzed as a partner in how much I dont (fill in the blank) while he gets to cart around his minime and pretend he's parent of the year while destroying the chances he has to be in an adult relationship.
As much as I don't like the BM b/c she's nuts if she were to have him more often it would atleast give us a chance to be a couple. She could take some responsibilty for the child she made and free up SO's extreme guilt and obsession with the kid.
Things have gotten a lot better or so I think til I feel the whole process and relationship undermined by this crap with this kid. He's a damn child not the dali lama. It angers me to no end. I flipped out so bad last night I was ashamed of myself. I completely lost it after trying to see his perspective I completely lost all my shit.
He said another reason why he asked him twice "are you sure it doesn't affect you" was that he wanted him to be excited about me moving in (all the way). I told him "we aren't going to be excited about each other, we just aren't, and if we do we certainly aren't gonna tell you about it b/c then you take it to another level" that I can't say "oh SS8 did this today isn't that cute?" b/c then I have to hear for 2 hours how I was and am always wrong about the shittiness of the reality in which I live.
He thinks I don't live in reality. That I think up all these awful things and then force myself to believe bad things about this set up. I know he doesn't TRULY believe that. He would like for me to so it wouldn't be as painfully obvious to him that we just are NOT a big happy family.
"As much as I don't like the
"As much as I don't like the BM b/c she's nuts if she were to have him more often it would at least give us a chance to be a couple. "
But you are a couple. And one of you has a child. This IS the reality of the situation. You can't pretend that he doesn't exist. I mean you could, but to what end? He's still going to be there and part of your SO's life. And, seemingly, the first person in his life.
(*imo) You have a choice to make. Either suck it up and learn to love it, or, stop trying to figure out a way to be #1. If you stay with him, this is how it's going to be. Now try and imagine how it's going to be in five years. Are you happy with the way things are turning out? What if you want to have a baby? Can you deal with the thought that you and your child might not or ever be a priority?
All things to consider when you get together with someone who has a prior commitment..... If you want a happy life, consider all of this really carefully.
good luck.
Please re consider moving
Please re consider moving into this situation. Im not saying you are wrong or your DH is wrong. BUUUUTT.. you have seen the writing on the wall. It will not get better. It will drive you insane.
If you truly love him and want to be with him, you can wait until child is much older. I did. I met DH when SS was about 7-8. After a few months I knew I would NOT move in or marry DH until skid was much older. We lived apart for many years. And it was not a bad set up. He raised his kid and I raised mine. I sometimes when for months without even seeing SS.
I think the problem a lot of women have on here is that they saw the writing on the wall but refused to read it. You must know this will not get any better...sorry hun.
thank you all for very good
thank you all for very good and sound advice.
i read somewhere that a SM's relationship with her own family can very heavily weigh out the frustrations she has with her DH/SO. If there was no support what so ever by the own nuclear family growing up then as a SM in a stepfamily any and all attempts and shows of Stepkids taking the support you've finally gotten as an adult is seen is a complete blow to oneself and sense of security.
I have to admit that I have this problem. He is the love of my life and now I have to share him with someone else and I hate it I hate it for everything it's worth. I hate their relationship with each other. I hate that I didn't have that with my parents. I hate myself for hating it. and I am still so incredibly angry today and I hope that goes away. this feels completely pointless and ridiculous
I'm sorry you didn't have
I'm sorry you didn't have that with your parents. I had the same thing and I know that feeling of being adrift at sea!
You're not happy because you're not getting what you need from your SO.
Maybe it's like sunshine. I always think, "I love the sun, yay, a sunny day!" But then sometimes it's too bright, it's too warm, I get a sunburn, I feel weak or tired, I can't see my computer screen... So I THINK the sun is wonderful, but in reality, the sun doesn't FEEL wonderful.
Maybe you've gotten attached to THINKING SO is the love of your life, because you sure haven't been FEELING his love for you lately.
good point I'm sorry about
good point I'm sorry about your family.