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How to think of your SO's children?

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 1:22pm

I have a hard time thinking of my DH's kids as "his kids".

When people tell stories about their kids, good or bad I can understand what they are saying because they are that person's kids. I am a mother myself so I understand why they feel/do the things they do for their own children.

You would think because I love my DH that I would maybe think more kindly of his kids, be able to "relate" a little more to the things that they do. Maybe have some more love, understanding or compassion? Such as I do for other people's kids.

There is kind of this universal thinking that you should try to understand children, because they are children. "They are just kids" "They are your husband's kids".

I dont really see DH parent them, so I dont really think of their relationship as Parent/Child. I at times (not always) think that he sucks at being a father and could do things differently.

I just know that the skids are annoying. They are a thorn in my side. They are people that just exist in my DH's life that I have no real feeling towards. I dont want anything bad to happen to them. I am indifferent.

But I cant even try a little harder under the concept that they are my DH's kids because I just see them more as annoying humans that cause issues in my relationship with DH. And the fact that 3 of them are girls and they are teenagers/young adults, makes it even worse.

I'm not jealous. I'm not heartless. I think I am a good moral person. But this is just how I feel.

Am I the only one? Or do others feel similar to this?

Comments

Mercury's picture

Submitted by Mercury on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:02pm

Ditto.

But seriously, they ARE houseguests just like any other relative who visits. They don't live here. If he could ever bring himself to view them the same way, I honestly think he would be happier. My sister doesn't live with me but we still have a very tight relationship. He can have that with his kids whether they live with him or just visit (intrude, lol) EOWE.

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 1:41pm

I get your point. I have a hard time with it because I never see DH effectively PARENT. Everything he does is to ease, soothe, appease, and make everything "easy" for SS because god forbid he suffer discomfort of any nature.

So when DH throws the whole "I am Parent, see how I suffer for my child" routine out, I can't buy it. A friend dealing with an errant or rebellious child who is trying to parent? Yeah, sympathy by the boat load for her.

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 1:42pm

I openly and freely admit that I don't like DHs' Dick Dumpling.....and no, I don't feel ashamed nor will I.......ever.......

gettingtome's picture

Submitted by gettingtome on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:05pm

You are not alone. I completly understand what you are saying.
I love kids. I love hanging out and playing with kids. I don't like talking with or playing with my skids. Mostly enjoy when they are out of my hair.

Harleygurl's picture

Submitted by Harleygurl on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:10pm

I care about SS8 but I don't love him. I admit it. I wouldn't want any harm to come to him but I so do not relate to him on any level. He is so weird and have weird habits from lack of parenting by DH and strange habits he has picked up from BM.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:16pm

I feel that way about SD22. Even though my husband talks to her often, they are like strangers and it's uncomfortable when she visits.

I feel that way about her kids, too. It seems weird to me that my husband is their grandpa and forget about me feeling like I'm their grandma. I just feel like, "Yep, there they are, getting snot all over my furniture."

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:17pm

SD15 is truly NOT a bad kid... but I still don't like her. I mean don't we all have people in this world that we just don't click with, that just rub us the wrong way? Lazy/slobbish and Lying/manipulative are two qualities that I absolutely LOATHE in ANYONE. Unfortunately, SD15 is the epitome of both... if she was anyone BUT DHs daughter, I would not give her the time of day. Unfortunately because she lives in my home, I am forced to.

SS14 is a straight up bad kid. I can't stand the sight of him and don't want him around myself or especially our BS4.

I would never wish harm on either skid, I just wish they would go away. Like Siberia would be a nice place.

QueenBeau's picture

Submitted by QueenBeau on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:16pm

DH really has no say on what goes on at BM's house. So he has the joy of calling SD7 'his kid' meanwhile he has no idea what she is exposed to 60-65% of her life. However, if SD picks up any bad habits BM is sure to blame it on DH or on DH's genes. Ya know, she's such a great mom she does no wrong.

BUT if SD does something GOOD, it's all her.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:20pm

Every random person on the planet is not able to form a bond with every other random person on the planet, and we as SM's need to stop beating ourselves up over this. It's ludicrous.

LOL we were thinking and typing the same concept at the same time! That's what I try to tell my DH... he gets all pissy that I have friends with kids that are SD and SS ages that I get along great with, but I don't get along with skids. He takes it personally. It's NOT personal, skids both have qualities that I just don't like, that rub me the wrong way. My friends kids do not....

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:28pm

Yep!

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:33pm

This is hard for me to explain, its as if I think of them as Skids but not my DH's kids. It makes me sound like a fool which I can be at times but from coming here and typing Skids countless times, I don't really view them as my DH's kids even though they are.

Also, my husband is not as involved as he used to be.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 2:48pm

I try and put myself in the "they're kids and all kids suck" mentality. I prefer to think of them as DHs kids and not OURS like I used to.
I will honestly say that at one point I did consider both Skids a part of our family. I cared for them both equally and tried everything in my power to try and make us all blend as well as I could. Then SS21 turned into a prick and my relationship with him was severed. After that experience, I tread carefully with SD13. I care about her, a lot, but I am in fear of when she will switch into little bitch mode and therefore I now try not to get too emotionally invested. Both DHs kids are a product of BAD PARENTING from BOTH parents. I no longer only blame the mom, he too is just in planet lala land and doesn't know WTH he is doing. So whenever I get asked, "Oh is that your daughter?" Before I would just say yes, now I say "She's my husbands daughter."

Mercury's picture

Submitted by Mercury on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 3:20pm

I can only speak from my own experiences but I think I am holding onto some cultural biases I didn't even know I had until I hooked up with a man with kids.

I came from an intact family but my mom was the primary caregiver. My dad was there everyday but emotionally distant and frankly, I never got the sense that he cared much about the day to day goings on in my life.

Without even realizing it, I carried some of that "children belong to women" mentality with me into my adulthood. I would never have recognized it if it weren't for dh and his kids. I fancied myself an enlightened feminist and that is such an outdated philosophy. But, yeah, there it was right there in my face when I realized why I didn't like those kids: they are HER kids.

As always, my rational brain understands this and rejects it. But trying to convince my primordial lizard brain is tougher than I thought it would be.

twopines's picture

Submitted by twopines on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 3:39pm

DH's kids are nothing more to me than a major inconvenience. I don't care if I never see them again.

Kiwiflowers6's picture

Submitted by Kiwiflowers6 on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 3:56pm

Some days I love my Sks, other days not so much. That's the constant battle of a blended family. Just take it day by day and strive for better and that all you can really do. That's what I try to do. Everyone would love to have that fairy tail of a happily ever after family but its really hard to make that happen.

noidea1010's picture

Submitted by noidea1010 on Mon, 03/10/2014 - 7:27pm

I think SD has some potential, as long as SO wins the custody battle in the next couple weeks. However, if he doesn't, I seriously worry for her and my own life. I may have to decide not to have her in it. She seems to believe any piece of crap her mom tells her and disbelieve anything SO and I prove to her.

Otherwise, I sometimes feel guilty that I don't care for her more. I have to seriously make the effort sometimes, otherwise I would like to pretend she's not there. And as a younger sister, I'm so good at pretending people don't exist.