How long has this arrangement been going on? Can it be altered for SD to now come back for visits?

I almost feel like a 6 year old having such a meltdown over staying the night there, is her just controlling the situation. I want to think its manipulation on her part and maybe some on BM's?

My BS has had some SERIOUS tantrums and meltdowns that made me question is sanity. However, it was him just being a spoiled rotten kid. I am the adult and he isn't going to control the situation.

You said a physc eval was done, so I am thinking this was a serious matter, much more than tantrums?

Obviously I dont know all the facts around why she can't come back to the house or what the plan is for her to start coming back to the house. I dont see the current arragnement as something that can be permnant.

With the lack of funds being an issue, I would really consider other options. If there is no money, there is no money. And I cant imagine having a "real" visitation with SD (at her age) when you aren't even in the comfort of your home or someplace that he can stay at and really visit and parent her. Sounds like they are going place to place.

If he can't afford to keep driving back and forth the whole weekend, then he has to work on staying with you all during her visits.

Ending the tantrums won't be easy, but in the long run it's better to spending money he really doesn't have.

This is tough. Without knowing your situation, I can't even pretend to know what your response should be.

Personally, I have had these conversations with my own DH. I made it clear from the beginning that I never want to feel like I'm enabling him to keep up another woman...errr, I mean pay child support. He is to contribute to OUR household as if hers didn't even exist. No exceptions. Even if he lost his job and was threatened with jail time for arrears, I would handle our bills but I would never give that woman or his kids a dime. Nor would I ever help him fetch and care for his kids (provide gas and groceries).

The job loss is a hypothetical situation but my point was clear. Currently, I don't pay for a single thing on skid weekends. He cooks, does their laundry, cleans their rooms, does dishes, takes us all out for dinner, pays for any entertainment, etc on skid time.

So, what if he only participated in every *other* visitation weekend? Don't get me wrong, I know how much he wants to see his kid, and he may nix the idea, but it wouldn't hurt anything to suggest it. It would free up more money for the visits he *did* get to have with her so they could maybe do something super fun.

I don't subsidize my husb's visits with his son, either. I know it kills him not to get his son every other weekend as allowed, but you know what? We just can't afford to throw $300+ in gas alone around every other weekend. Not possible. I saw it written here once that when you make the decision to divorce (or not marry in some cases) the parent of your child, you make the decision that the child will not have a normal family upbringing. Sad as it may be, it's true.

"BM was to be doing different exercises including differently behavior techniques and making bedtime routine more like how we do things at our house. (going to bed by yourself in your own room without a tv at a decent hour). Did BM work on any of this? No because she thinks its ok to let a 6 yr old stay up watching tv till they pass out in the parents bed."

I'm confused on the sleeping arrangement. You also said SD has no bedroom and would be sleeping on the living room sofa in your home. Is it she use to have a bedroom at your house but since she hasn't been coming the room has went to a different use? Which I suppose makes sense if the child hasn't slept over in 6-9 month (no need for a bedroom especially as there is no plans to ever try again with sleep-overs). But say SD is going to try again for an overnight and sleep place is now livingroom sofa. How would the bedtime routine go? For example if her bedtime is 8pm. What happens with the rest of the household members at 8pm? TV off, lights off, and DH/you just disappear off into your own bedrooms? I'm just being curious.

Has Dh ever thought about going to a budget planner? It sounds like he impulsively spends money. I get he has little to spend to start with, but even what it does have isn't covering his needs throughout his pay period. You say he purchased a second vehicle of some type. Perhaps he needs too sell it off (no extra gas, cost of insurance , plus a bit of cash in his always empty account). Maybe even a plan for the entire household expenses where you both could find ways to lower the overall monthly joint bills/expenses? IDK, just tossing thoughts out there. You shouldn't have to cover his part nor pay for his traveling to see SD, but maybe there is somehow overall budget cuts that would make his part lower (and your part too, which may be a plus for you giving you extra cash too).

In the end its not my decision

It may not be your decision what he does about the tantrums but it is your decision to not finance these trips since he cannot manage his money. He knows he needs gas money to see his daughter, he needs to treat it like a bill and make sure he has the money for it or figure something else out.

He will always manage to come up short as long as he knows you will give him money.

I think he is creating a monster by letting her get away with controlling the whole situation but what do I know. I'd hate to see what she's like as a teenager.

^^^This^^^

There are a couple of things glaringly obvious.

If your DH is unable to pay for the 4+hr driving weekend he needs to drop the playthings. He can buy new ones in 12 yrs when he is finished with CS.

Why isn't he staying at his parents place? If they live in the same town as SD why isn't he staying there overnight? That would half the gas bill for a start. Sure, you want him with you but if he is absent from your home 2 nights a month he may see the stupidity in the situation.

If he were my DH I would be encouraging him to speak to his ex about transitioning to overnight visits again. And you need to think about this... your son is taken to another home 4 nights a month and has to co-sleep with his other parent with the TV on. How long do you think it would take him to fall asleep? It isn't like this little girl is staying with you 50% of the time. It is probably only 4 nights a month and there HAS to be a settling in time. Even my g/daughter who is nearly 7 and has been swapping between her parents for 5 yrs has a few hours of resettling in to do.

Yes, a fuss has to be made of her. She chooses dinner. She can choose dessert. She chooses the movie. She has to be made welcome and wanted. Wouldn't you want the same thing for your son? Would you want him to be landed somewhere where the different rules apply and you like it or are SOL? She has to feel part of the family because whatever you think. she IS part of your family. She will be the half sister of your future children. They will share the same paternal DNA.

I know you like a structure but when Stepkids are in the mix it is never as structured as you want it to be. This little girl is allowed to rule the roost. Just give her a different roost to rule. And whatever you expect form her, ask yourself if you would allow the reverse situation if your son was in her place.

Yeah and tell DH he is too old for toys and either his daughter is more important than toys... or not. Which would set the tone for any future children.