Badmouthing aboud Skids
Just wondering if any of you have badmouthed your stepkids to your spouse? I have gotten so angry in the past I've told DH that his SS7 is a little shit... and DH doesn't much appreciate (obviously).
I ask because I am childfree and don't have kids that he can attack if we start throwing insults. I think it bothers him on some level, even if his kid is being a little shit.
- Lady Danger's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I have said some choice words
I have said some choice words about the skids. All true. And I am a say it like it is person, so my DH should not be surprised. Dont raise a brat and I won't call her a brat, for example.
BUT I am trying to work on it. All it does is create negative feelings. Words do sting and hurt people, even if they are the truth. Most of what I say is spoken out of anger and I dont think that is right either.
I think I can come up with a better way to express my feelings about the skids without badmouthing the skids, no matter how true what I say is.
Yup, I just posted about
Yup, I just posted about this. They will hold it against you and use it as leverage because "you hate their kids" and what you said is proof. Vent on here or to someone else, it will only build resentment.
I have done this a few times, it never ends well. Sometimes I just explode and lose my shit, so I understand. He will file it in his memory bank and NEVER forget what you said about his kid
Exactly!
Exactly!
Totally, that's exactly
Totally, that's exactly what's happened in the past. And he either says "you hate my kid" or "you do't have kids so you don't know what you're talking about" when I have an actual concern I try and address.
I just joined this forum and I'm so thankful I DO finally have a place to vent. Holding all this shit inside was not easy. I am guilty of flipping my shit when I'm fuming but typically I don't say what I mean when I'm furious ("He's a little asshole" as opposed to "the way he behaved today..." for example) but then I'm always apologizing and doing damage control after the fact so DH can't use it against me later. Which he does anyway.
guilty
guilty
My DH knows how I feel about
My DH knows how I feel about the skids (well, skid and former skid) and their behavior. I'm honest. But I don't say anything that isn't true, and he knows it. He's well aware of their behaviors.
I try to phrase things in a
I try to phrase things in a way that badmouths the specific behavior, instead of him in general. For example, in my head I could think, "What a filthy, lazy, disgusting pig." Out loud I would say, "He is showing a lack of concern for others by making such a mess in the space he shares with them."
Even though the badmouthing is just making accurate statements, the parent is automatically going to shut down and get defensive. They aren't going to care what you are saying, even though it's true, and fall into protect the precious spawn mode. Different things work in different homes. I can't speak on any household but my own and in my experience, badmouthing is self defeating.
But what do I know? I've been polite for years, and from time to time I still get the "you just don't like my kid" accusations. Still, I think it would be a lot worse if I didn't phrase things in a way that's less likely to be viewed as an attack. In some households, the parents think their child is the most wonderful child in the world, so no matter how you phrase it, if you have a problem with that child's character, the problem must lie in you.
Great post. Thanks.
Great post. Thanks.
Yep. It's all true but it
Yep. It's all true but it kills him to hear it from me.
And as it has already been stated, it gets stored away in his memory until our next conflict in which he says "you hate my kids". Lather, rinse, repeat.
The last incident we had, I blurted out "this is why I have to fight so hard to NOT hate your kids, it's a constant internal struggle for me to even keep my feelings about them neutral". That is the closest I've ever come to outright telling him I hate them. Before, when he would suggest that I did, I would deny it (of course) to save his feelings.
i have but i only speak the
i have but i only speak the truth (abotu her being disrespectful, etc.) and it doenst usually have backlash since fiance agrees and feels the same way.
where we argue at times is how best to address the behavior and problems. but he is definitely not in denial that major issues exist.
I have. SS7 is just plain
I have. SS7 is just plain weird. No if, ands or buts about it. He is strange. And he had his mother's natural gift of laziness. I have gently pointed out things to DH but he just can't see his precious baby doing the things I point out. For example, the curtain rod has been ripped from the wall in SS7's bedroom and a chunk of drywall with it. Hello? My son knows the wrath I can rain down on him if he did something like that. And let's consider that SS7 is the only person spending vast amounts of time in that room. The kid did it. Just like he has put stickers on furniture, jumped on coaches and basically trash any room he happens to be in record time. I don't give a shit if the kid has to spend all day cleaning up the toys the correct way. If either one of his lazy ass parents would teach him right from wrong this kind of stuff wouldn't happen.
I also think it's bizarre how SS7 tries to use his suck up techniques on me that work so successfully on DH and BM and he KNOWS that I won't fall for it. I just give him a blank look and then go on with my day. I don't want to hear "Harleygurl, you are the best step-mom in the whole world!" I wasn't born yesterday kid. Whatever you want, I'm already on high alert. Chances are almost 100% that I will say no.
OMG my SS7 does the same
OMG my SS7 does the same thing!! He has destroyed my home in the same way you are describing, he writes on the walls, draws on the fucking floor??? Aren't you old enough to know better?
He's weird too, he's super infantile. Insists on talking like a baby and still crawls/eats with his hands/watched Caiyoooo or whatever the shit that show is. DH treats him like a helpless baby and I think the problem is that SS thinks if he "grows up" he won't have a bond with his daddy anymore. I caught SS crying for DH to come wipe his ass the other day on the can. Seriously?? If I wiped a 7 year old kid's ass I'd be on the fast track to the clink.
I just tell the truth and
I just tell the truth and nothing but the truth. }:)
Yes, I use words like liar, ungrateful, brat, etc. when talking about the adult SDs but I do not cuss them. DH hates cussing (not sure why he married a potty mouth like me).
Sd22 comes up in many of our
Sd22 comes up in many of our discussions.
It is only in maybe the past year he will admit she is occasionally less than perfect !!!
I have been in her life since age 8.