Feed a $100.00 bill thru a shredder(find a fake bill but let DH think it's real) and advise him that is what he is doing with this money. The money is buying the same thing over and over and the item purchased is in shreds/tatters because the person receiving the gift of the money (education) has no concept of the value of a dollar let alone the (insert $ figure here) that he has already spent.

As long as he keeps throwing in good money after bad: she won't learn. Take AWAY the funding and make her have to pay on her own and she may learn.

However, if you tell him to simply stop funding the princess your going to hear "you hate my kid" so I suggest instead that you preempt this with giving him the suggestion of a pay by performance plan.

At the END of each semester (meaning SHE has to fund the semester herself then get reimbursed by DADDDDIIII for his 1/3 only) so long as her GPA is 3.0 or HIGHER and NO classes are failed/dropped/incomplete then Dadddiii can continue to pay his 1/3. If she fails a class, drops a class, gets an incomplete in any class: no $ for the semester: better luck next semester.

You lost me at private dorm room!! Holy crap! I don't care if I can afford it, and my kids make straight A's and work full time, there is no way that any of the things you listed above would get any financial support for me.

I will say that I was a stubborn teenager. I got married at 19 like an idiot and when I did my parents cut off all $- LIKE THE SHOULD HAVE. It was not until I had to pay for college myself did I get serious. I went from a C/D student to making deans list in one semester once I figured out how much it all cost. When I graduated, even with a crappy GPA my freshman year, I graduated with a 3.6 or 3.8... I can't remember exactly. Anyway, point is, making her do it for herself is the best gift you can give her!

Frankly, Elizabeth, I don't think he'll EVER change. I've been following your blog over the years and there has been zero change in your DH's attitude of constantly placating his "first family" but ignoring your daughters with him. He has shown time and time again that SD is much, much, much more important to him than you and the girls.

I might need to catch up but last I heard he would not HEAR of separate finances and so you are building resentment as you pay for SD's repeated failures (as you rightfully should) But thinking about him changing when he clearly will not stop throwing money at SD isn't gonna happen. And you are just stressing yourself out thinking that will change--and as we all can attest to stress=ill health.

I believe you would just be beating your head against a brick wall. The only way to stop him (temporarily) is to be serious about divorcing him and the CS that will ensue should you do so.

Honesly Liz...I don't' think you can say anything to your DH to make him stop enabling your SD.

He might in a few years...but I don't see it happening here.

Correct me if I am wrong...aren't you the one that actually pays for all of her college tuition and extras?

If so...just tell DH that you paid for 4 years. That is what is ordered. You are done paying...if he wants to continue to enable her, then he needs to fund it.

I doubt you'll be able to get him to cut her off. However, you as hell have the power to take your money out of the mix.

I agree with seperating the finances. I know he said he would not do that, but if you force his hand what choice does he have. Trust me I know mine never thought I was serious about divorce, but he knows now that I am done playing and his happy a$$ is going to therapy with me once a week. We just did a 2 1/2 Dave Ramsey seminar as part of our bankruptcy and OMG I think he actually saw that I am not the evil witch depriving him and the skids of things.

I know it is scary to push back, especially because you have little kids. BS6 tells me not to divorce his dad because he doesn't want to spend EOW with him. Go open another bank account w/o him on it for starters, put together a budget as if the finances were split and then go to him with all of this.

Elizabeth that list is staggering. As you know we have one in college and one in law school, we didn't BEGIN to lay out FOR TWO what you have for one. They got scholarships/great grades/jobs and DH and I fill in the blanks when needed. Maybe someone with a normal college student could sit down and talk some sense into your DH? I would if I could- ridiculous!

Hold on, if she's 21 in three months then his legal obligation is ended. She should be on her own. I would definitely put my foot down and say DH, you've done your bit, even the courts say we are done. If SD wasted all that time and money and has nothing to show for it, that's her problem.

You have the power to stop this if he is using YOUR money to fund SD. Quit being a pushover to something that you are so against and that you so resent.

New year--- new choices!

I dont know about you, but I work too damn hard for my money to be okay with funding an adult in a situation that she is failing in.

Elizabeth, I'm sure you know by now that you will not be able to get your DH to do what you want him to (and what is so clear that he NEEDS to do, even to complete strangers!). SD will not grow up. Your DH will not quit funding her, even if the CO says he no longer has to. Just the amount of lying he does to you because of SD would be a deal-breaker for me long ago.

I know he also doesn't want to split finances. Hell, who WOULD in his position?? Ask SD sometime if she'd rather pay for all of her OWN stuff or if she'd rather have her DADDEEYYY do it instead. Well, he'd rather have YOU subsidizing his offspring instead of paying it HIMSELF. So, of COURSE he will balk at separate finances.

However, there is no way he will stop you from opening your own (PRIVATE) account with ONLY your name on it and only YOU can access it. Then change your direct deposit to the new account. Inform your DH that you are taking your name off your joint account. He will huff and puff and spit and sputter. You will explain to him that his precious is almost 21 and you are done subsidizing any unnecessary spending. Done.

This SD isn't going to get anywhere in school as long as she lives the campus life and does all the drinking/drugs. You all are going to be footing the 'lets educate SD' when she's 30...and what type of placement/job does Dad think his daughter will get with this ridiculous history behind her?

I think your DH has proven he'll not 'cut her off' (silly man) but surely it's time he faces the fact he's totally enabling and encouraging this 'entitled' underperformer adult child of his. He's under no court obligation to give her so much as one more dime in 3 months. The meat grinder scenario someone put above just about sums up what is happening. DH is putting a match to the money and he certainly is 'helping' his daughter in any beneficial way. Your best bet may to get him to realize this and go for the 'tough love' style for a while. No more college money. No more dorm/apartment cash. No more enabling a flunky to barely scoot by...if he wants to put his money towards his daughter it'd be better spent withdrawing the college cash and putting it towards rehab. But of course, he's not going to do that. He fails to see what part he plays in all this. Perhaps that's the real answer...counseling for DH so someone other than you tells him reality.

I think since you agreed when she was 8 to put money into a college fund for her, and the money is separate from your finances now, you should tell him that once the money is gone, you will not continue to support her tuition or anything else that deals with costs incurred for her college education.

do you have funds set for your own children? If not, that would be a part of the bargain as well. If he continues to pay for her education after his legal responsibility is concluded, he must begin depositing money into accounts for your other children for their college education right now.