Sick and Tired and just fed up with the whole damn thing. It never bloody well ends.
Pretty much sums up my mood today.
Since OH's revelations about SD the other week things have been pretty quiet, no hassles, no dramas, she's been pretty good and no reports of missing items from the dd's (Thank God! LOL)
SS however, over the weekend regressed back to how he was when OH and I first moved in together - clingy, whiny and wanting OH's attention EVERY second, it was SOOOOOO annoying. "Daaaaadddddd come and do blah with me" every time OH left his side. Made for one PO'd Luchay.
Then yesterday OH gets a text from BM asking him to call her re SS.
He calls, and she goes on and on about how SS is out of control, she can't handle him anymore, he is lying to her and stealing from her and getting angry all the time when he doesn't get his way (aside - when OH told me this I was like "helllooooo - he's always been like that - THAT is the monster you two created!") He won't do what he's told, he's lazy, he's rude, he ignores her, won't do his homework, blah blah bladdddy blah!
AND - "she's sorry to tell him this but SS doesn't accept that OH doesn't belong to him anymore, refuses to acknowledge OH's NEW family, doesn't accept us as part of his life, refuses to come here - she has to force him to visit. She feels that SS's problems are due to our situation (OH and I) and that he needs counselling"
Yes she actually used the words "OH doesn't belong to him anymore!" And neither of them had any problem with SS ever thinking that OH belonged to him in the first place.... is it just me or is that F'd up?
I don't necessarily believe this last part - about him not accepting us, not wanting to visit etc, he is fine when he's here, plays well with dd8, gets along ok with me and everyone else, loves the new puppy, even eats new foods - I am starting to be more creative while they are here and he is responding really well. I smell BS with this last bit.
Personally I think this is in response to ALL the changes in his life in the last few years - OH and I have been together three years + now, living together nearly 2 years, BM moved house and schools in July - troubles have started since then....
AND both BM and OH have actually stopped treating him like a spoilt little baby and started having expectations of him, started not letting him get his way over every little thing - kid is 10 and throws a tanty if he doesn't get to sit in the front seat EVERY TRIP.... He is actually now expected to make his own toast or bowl of cereal for lunch (I kid you not he didn't know how to make toast 2 months ago...)
SOOOO, OH has made a counselling appt. for him and SS. He is now blaming himself for all SS's problems - it's all because of US.... AND he thinks he needs to spend MORE one on one time with SS and SD (meaning without me and my kids)
FML.
He already spends every Wednesday from 3pm til 7.45 with them, then every second Friday from 3pm til 8.45, and every second Saturday he takes them both out about 12ish and comes home around 6. He calls them every Monday night, Thursday night and second Friday and Sunday nights, and Facebooks with both of them throughout the week.
Call me crazy, but MY take is that if SS is having trouble accepting that OH has other people in his life then he needs to spend MORE time in the family situation so he understands it, NOT less????
Any opinions?
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Any time there have been
Any time there have been problems with their children BM has laid the responsibility at DH's door, everything is his fault because he left her. Never mind that he left because she had cheated and they were miserable together. She once dumped SDthen14 at my door because she had flouted the rules again and was no longer allowed to go on holiday with the rest of the family, pointed her finger in my face as she departed and announced 'she is so screwed up. That's what happens when your father leaves you'. As always I was gobsmacked by her rudeness and delusion. Of course the fact that she's an alcoholic and pretty much left SD to her own devices had nothing to do with the fact that she went off the rails. The tragic thing is that DH really has bought into his guilt so that no amount of rationalisation can overcome his sense that he should take the blame and unfair treatment. Sometimes it's just easier for the BM to blame someone else than turn the spotlight on herself and address her own problems. Counselling may be no bad thing for your SS and DH, but it's a shame that
DH's confidence in himself and the way you are doing things has been undermined. Hard to turn that guilt and self-doubt off though.
ohhhhh I think they take a
ohhhhh I think they take a class in it!!!
BM here is the same - EVERYTHING that happens is because he left them. NO you crazy bitch is because you are a crap mother (and to be honest he has been a crap father) they are both more interested in being friends and fun with their kids that actually parenting them.
OH is starting to realise this and I get the impression BM has stepped up too, I think they have both realised that their kids are spoiled and entitled little brats.
But the problem with BM is that even though SD has some ongoing issues from things way past and NEEDS help - if OH approaches her about it and says she isn't coping that too will be laid at our door.
I am just so over it all, the never ending drama. I have FOUR daughters and two ex husbands and we have had four times more hassle and stress with his two and one. I never imagined in my worst nightmares that it would be such a constant never ending freaking struggle.
I'm sorry, but IMO our
I'm sorry, but IMO our husbands should not be running off and spending "alone time" with our stepchildren.
I think this only causes them to have a sense of entitlement that they can cause problems and division in your marriage. It gives them a false sense of power, like they can compete with you for your husband's attention, and it lessens your importance to him in their eyes.
I just think it's a bad idea.
So later on, they will feel they can exclude you from weddings and other important events and your husband will just attend without you? I would be soooo very resentful if my husband was running off spending all of his free time with children who want to exclude me. It just shouldn't be allowed.
No wonder the divorce rate for second marriages with children is 70+ percent.
I'm sure this opinion will catch all kinds of crap from certain people on this board, but I stand by it.
Yep - I agree with you to a
Yep - I agree with you to a point.
I do think SOME time just for him and them is fine, just like I have incidental and planned time just with my girls.
The key is SOME. and for me and mine NOT to be excluded from all things family, and that is where this seems to be headed and I am not happy about it.
At present he spends 22+ hours a fortnight "alone" time with them (by the time I add in incidental time such as the phone calls which take place during our evenings and the driving them home etc it's more like 25 hours)
I get - hmmm
Monday nights - we grab half an hour to eat tea together before I pick mine up from dancing, then I get home at 8.45 - get kids sorted and to bed, sit together for another half an hour before bed. 1 HOUR
(am not counting time in bed as alone time even if we are not sleeping!)
Tuesday - I get home about 6, he gets home anywhere between 6 and 7.30 - if I'm lucky we go out for a few hours. Most weeks - we stay in and when the kids go to bed make some couple time - have a spa or go for a walk, so lets say we get 2 hours.
Wednesday - he has the skids. I get home from dancing at 7:45 we all eat together, he does homework with his then takes them home about 8:30, gets home about 10... We snatch a tired half an hour watching the news... 1/2 hour
Thursday - I work all day, pick up kids from school - no dancing yay - shower, relax for an hour or two, go shopping, get home, unpack, cook, help with homework, he works late - home around 7-7.30. We eat, kids go to bed about 9. We have an hour together on the couch watching TV. (romantic aren't we) so - 1 hour
Friday - I get home 8.45, we all eat tea, we all watch a movie. kids to bed about 10.30. We catch up on TV shows we've recorded during the week - usually bed by 12... so 1 1/2 hours.
Saturday - non skid w/e - I take kids to dancing, he sleeps in. I get home about 10.45 - he gets up, we do housework and usually by 1pm are free - we go out for some couple time til we have to pick up kids at 5pm. Another 2 hours snatched after kids go to bed - usually watching TV! 6 hours
(not counting doing housework/mowing lawns as time spent together either!)
Saturday skids w/e - same beginning but he takes off with skids at about 12. Kids are all up later, so only 1 hour
Sunday - Family day. No couple time really happens any Sunday we try to all go do something together.
non skid w/e mine in bed by half 8 so we get 2 hours before bed.
skid w/e he takes them home at half 8, gets home about 10 - only 1/2 an hour.
Lets add that up.... 21 1/2 hours we spend together as a couple over a fortnight. Most of that in front of the idiot box...
I absolutely agree that it gives them a sense of power over how things work here, and lessens my kids and I in their minds. Which IS in part what BM is saying - that SS doesn't rate us as important in OH's life basically. So OH's idea to spend MORE time without us will only increase their sense that WE don't matter, and that they control things.
Already they both feel that they can walk in and TELL OH how they plan to spend the weekend they are here - Daddy, you need to take us here, here and here and buy us this that and the other, and on Sunday I want to do blah... With NO regard for the fact that other people might have plans or want to have a say. Thankfully he is curbing this a little now...
But I think the best way for SS to come to terms with us being family and not just people who live in the same house as his dad is for us to be included MORE - for me to be allowed to go out WITH them on the Saturdays - they go and visit friends and family FFS and that pisses me off no end.
I do agree SS needs counselling, so does SD but no-one is insisting she goes or being all concerned about her because the only people her acting out and stealing affects is me and mine.... the unimportant people. But that poor kid needs SO much more help than spoiled, playing up because he's for once in his life being told NO SS.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR can you tell I am cross today. and I think I broke my dammed toe!
Well I agree that some alone
Well I agree that some alone time is important and can be positive, but it should be proportional to other commitments and there is a big difference between a parent planning and making time, and a child hanging off them and insisting that they must have frequent time alone. The first scenario is the parent making positive time to make the child feel included in their life, the second can turn into a child trying to draw a circle around themself and their parent to exclude new family members.
My husband spends 3 hours every Wednesday evening and every Sunday afternoon with SS16, who refuses to visit our home or be part of our family. DH works away at least one night a week, and late one night a week, so he doesn't see our 2,4 and 6 year old for 2 days a week. Of the 2 remaining nights he will spend a maximum of an hour with them before they go to bed. So every week SS has 3 hours of his dad's one to one time, and our 3 children share 2 hours with him total. Over the weekend they get Saturday with their Dad and we do family stuff, on Sunday DH leaves to get SS at lunchtime and gets back just before dinner. Yet still there is there is misconception that our children have DH all the time and poor SS has to make do with this token time.
Easy fixed. Trot down to your
Easy fixed. Trot down to your local travel agent and pick up brochures for trips to DisneyWorld/Land/Cruises. And when OH asks what's up (because eventually he will) just say that you are planning a trip for you and your girls because he is far too busy with his kids to spend time with you all and you don't want them to 'lose' you to this relationship. But not to worry, you will make sure the girls bring back a knic-knac for his son.
When he call Bullshit on it. HE will say this is not what a marriage is about. And this is when you tell him how come it is OK for him to spend time away with his kids but not for you?
And plan the trip anyway. Keep your distance from SS, SD and OHs drama. When he tells you what BM says just say "Well that's not very nice is it?" and walk away. Their children are no longer YOUR problem.
Now I think all kids needs one on one time with parents from time to time. Whether it is on a trip to return library books, pick up a loaf of bread or attend a sports practice. But play dates (cringe at that term but it is appropriate) with Daddy does not make for a good marriage. If DH asks you "Well what do you want me to do?" Just ask him why he remarried when he obviously hasn't got enough time for a new family. And that is perfectly fine as well. Not remarrying and focusing 100% on your kids. But he made a promise to YOU.
LOL not just because we live
LOL not just because we live in Australia, but we are coming to Disney in Sept with the dance school, my two youngest are dancing. So OH, myself and 2 younger dd's will be there.
BM heard about it earlier this year so she took the skids for an 18 day US holiday in June.... actually did me a favour which was not her intention. But OH was rumbling about taking his kids too, and I can't afford that.