Barn door is locked but the horse is gone!
Trying to discipline a teen after years of entitlement and coddling is like having an irresistible force meet an immovable object. Or – as Amber succinctly put it – “It’s like trying to lock the barn door AFTER the horse has been let out”.
Yesterday, SS called DW and asked if he can “hang out” with his buddies after school. DW said no. SS whined. DW caved.
I wasn’t a part of this decision but when DW called me at work to let me know, I couldn’t help but be disappointed, especially considering that we both agreed that SS cannot be trusted with his studies and needs to come home straight after school to tackle his homework .
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you.” I said. “I thought that we had agreed that SS is NOT allowed to hang out with his friends after school?”
“I said he better be home for 5:30pm or else.” DW said.
“Or else what?” I asked.
“Or else.”
“Or else what!?!?”
“Look, I just want to give him a chance to prove that he can be trusted!”
By now, I am bonking my head on my desk. I knew exactly what was going to happen. SS would show up late. DW will be furious. DW will yell at him. SS will just get that “deer caught in the headlights” look. DW will scream some more. SS will cry. DW will hug him and things will be back to square one.
Not only was my prediction on the money, but SS threw in a door prize. He not only shows up late, but has his friends in tow and has the gall to ask if they can stay for dinner.
DW and I look at each other.
“I’ll handle this.” DW whispers. “But would you mind taking SS’s friends home?”
I nod my head and get up from the table to fetch my coat and keys. I’m surprised DW didn’t tear SS a new one right in front of his friends. In retrospect DW admitted to me afterwards that she should have.
So I drive SS’s friends home. They are very silent and no doubt feeling awkward about this ordeal. God knows what SS told them. When we arrive at their homes they thank me for the lift and scamper off to their homes. I return home to find that SS has secluded himself in his bedroom and DW is on the couch with tears welling up in her eyes…and no doubt exasperated from screaming at SS.
“I told SS that from now on, he is not allowed hanging out with his friends after school.” DW states.
She doesn’t get it. Gods I love her, but she just. Doesn’t. Get. It. More importantly, neither does SS.
I told her exactly what Amber said in my previous blog “You can’t decide to lock the barn door now that the horse has been let out.”
DW looked at me and said “I almost feel like I should call my Mom and apologize to her for all the sh*t I pulled when I was a teen!”
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Comments
DW knows she's doing not
DW knows she's doing not helping SS but it's like she just can't stop. In some ways Draco I wish I could just hug her and tell her that it's ok to say no. . . .it's ok to set rules and boundaries . . .it's ok for SS feelings to get hurt. She's got to prepare him for the real world. I wish I could be that friend to help her through this. Sometimes we can't hear or see what those people that are closest to us are saying . . .
I don't know why this entire
I don't know why this entire situation just makes me so sad. She sounds like such a good mother and wife but she's trying so hard to protect SS that's she's really doing him harm in the process.
Thanks Jmom. She really is a
Thanks Jmom. She really is a good woman, a good wife and loving mother. She just can't stand to see SS upset over anything, and that is her Achilles' heel. She still harbors feeling of guilt, especially when SS has to go back to his Dad's. SS will come back from his Dad's with one sob story after another (i.e. "Dad yelled at me.", "Dad was away on weekend.", "Dad forced me to eat pork chops and I HATE pork chops!") and DW buys into the Oliver Twist routine hook, line and sinker.
>>>Sometimes we can't hear or
>>>Sometimes we can't hear or see what those people that are closest to us are saying . . .<<<
Absolutely agree. I have a similar situation with FDH. He's admitted time and again that he wants to provide structure and discipline for SD, but that sometimes she just breaks his heart because she's had such a rough life with GUBM (only sort of, because she gets everything she wants but has a cold and uncaring NPD/BPD mother to show for it, but I digress) and he can't bring himself to do anything like ground her or take away privileges (he's still got tinges of Guilty Parent Syndrome).
I've been telling him for years that he's doing her zero favors because she will figure out - and has rather quickly - that all she has to do is turn on the water works and FDH will cave and let her have her way; that he needs to put his foot down and not budge on things with her. It took FDH hearing it from my counselor last night for him to finally get what he needs to do with SD. Yea, part of me was a little miffed because I've been here four and a half years and telling him everything she told him last night in one hour, but, I know from experience that sometimes you need the outside perspective to really break through the fog of the parent.
I like reading this because
I like reading this because there are many times I have to resort to a "third party influence" to get through to DW. My biggest ally in this regard is (ironically) my MIL. DW's mother and I have an almost identical background. DW and her mother would be talking and I would be in another room and DW's mother is a straight shooter "It's okay for children to get upset!" she would say. "How else are they going to deal with dissappointment? Stop worrying about upsetting him!" Seriously, I'd be doing the happy dance in the other room and when it is time to leave I'd give MIL a extra big hug because I was so happy...which *ahem* may have seemed weird at the time.
Haha, that's almost exactly
Haha, that's almost exactly what my counselor told FDH last night! That SD will only learn how to cope with bad things in life by experiencing disappointment, especially when it's a consequence of SD not following the rules.
I was definitely doing the happy dance in my head when my counselor said this, and still was a bit after it clicked in FDH's head even though I had that "But I've been saying this exact thing for years!" moemnt. I think the frustration also stemmed from hearing my FMIL and FSIL tell FDH the exact same things and having it fall on deaf ears with him. Guess it just needed to be someone really outside of the circle of family/friends.
Good Question. My bios are
Good Question. My bios are only 4 and 2 and while they can be a handful, they are just like any other toddler I guess.
I just don't understand why DW is so much more empathetic to SS than to anyone else. I asked her about it and she simply answered "I don't know, I guess it is because SS is my first".
When DW yelled at SS. I can
When DW yelled at SS. I can practically tell by the look on his face that nothing DW was saying was sinking in. He just phases out and waits for the storm to pass. He doesn't say anything. He doesn't defend himself, talk back, nothing! It's almost like he doesn't care. When asked why he was late and why he had the nerve to bring his friends over like that, he just shrugged his shoulders. It worries me because it's like he just doesn't give a sh*t anymore.
The only time I saw him react was when I said that if he fails, his Dad will file a motion to switch custody so that SS's father's home becomes primary. This means that his Dad will decide where SS goes to school. That put the fear of God in him.
ETA: I re-read your comment and I hope I am not reading between the lines...are your skids okay?
As the mom of 3 grown kids, I
As the mom of 3 grown kids, I feel that I have some authority on this issue. Never during the time that my kids were growing up and the crap my son put me through did I ever not discipline my kids or stop parenting the way that I felt was needed for my kids. Never did it EVER enter my mind that I needed to be a friend to my kids.
AS I was reading your post, I was thinking she's so worried that if she parents her son correctly the way she knows she needs to, she's afraid he won't be her friend and he won't like her anymore. Or even worse....he won't love her.
And not having to deal with a real step parent situation like that, I totally understand what she's thinking. BUT I do not think that it is correct.
I think like you said she's doing her son a great disservice. I find that very sad. I know that your hands are tied. You can't make her understand.
I just don't know how people that live like this deal with it. My SO lives in the same fear. He talks a game but in the end he behaves just like your wife. Suck it up bc sd/ss might not love me anymore if I'm not their friend.
Part of it is bc of the way bm has allowed sd to be raised as well. It's all about what sd wants all the time. Everything is what she wants. And any REAL parent knows that is not how you run a household full of kids!!!
hang in there dude!!
You are right. DW did admit
You are right. DW did admit to me once that she wants to be the "cool Mom" in SS's eyes. As noble as that sounds, I just don't think that is what SS needs. SS is really living the good life right now. He does what he wants, whenever he wants with little to no consequences. All he needs to do to keep riding the hawg is to whine and pull on DW's heart-strings and *PRESTO* he gets what he wants, when he wants it. DW does listen to me and takes my advice but SS still holds all the "trump cards".
DW won't go for it. I've
DW won't go for it. I've tried going this route before but DW just won't "threaten" SS with being forced to live with his Dad because that to her is like kicking kittens