My wife and daughter 2

My daughter lives half of the time with me and half with her mother.
My wife did not cause the divorce. My ex wife started the divorce because she thought it just can't work anymore and doesn't seem to regret it like some of the biomothers I read about. Nor does she come on to me, or is a psycho.. She's normal.
My wife and daughter get in an argument every time they talk, and that's why my daughter wants to disengage.
But my wife thinks that's disrespectful and she should not be allowed to.
I suppose my daughter knows of the term because she googled about step families but I'm not sure, I don't know.
My wife didn't really do anything to my daughter, my daughter just rejected her from the beginning.
I don't think my ex wife is coaching her to do this, or anyone really.

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I'm not really sure by what

I'm not really sure by what you meant by my wife being every bit as much the boss as I am.
We make rules for our house together, and they can't be broken, of course.
But I don't see how exactly is my wife as much as her boss as I am if I'm the one that does everything for her?

My wife is equal to me in our

My wife is equal to me in our house, but she isn't equal to my daughter. Not sure how to explain.
For example, if my daughter is doing something in the house that she shouldn't, like making a mess in the living room or kitchen or something, then of course my wife can tell her to stop with that and to clean after herself.
But my daughter's homework or something like that has nothing to do with the house or my wife - why would she even say to my daughter to do it or not to do it? I don't think she should be doing that, it's not something she needs to worry about.
I don't expect my wife to take care of my daughter when I'm not around - that's not what she needs to do.

Well yes - every other relationship is ok but that one.

Not really, they don't have equal say nor are they competing. My daughter wants disengagement, my wife thinks it's disrespect and I'm still thinking about should I, or should I not accept and allow that.
It doesn't mean they have equal say in the home, they can't.

I don't think a parental role

I don't think a parental role can just be forced and conjured out of nowhere. Relationships take time to build and she can't get a parental role while my daughter is trying to keep it at basic politeness. It has to go both ways.

No, we don't to things together. We used to, it didn't go well - now I just keep them apart until I decide what I think about my daughter's suggestion.

No, my wife can't be in a

No, my wife can't be in a parental role unless she does "parental" things. Basically, she can't be in a parental role only half way - by bossing around, but not by actually doing anything more.
If she was doing for my daughter what her mother and I do, then sure, she can be the "boss" as much as we are and have a parental role.
But she doesn't do anything for her (even though that was my daughter's choice), so she does not have a parental role and therefore does not have parental authority.
And yes, in order to be actual authority there has to be acceptance of some sort, for any reason.
But my wife did not/ is not raising her, so how can she just walk in and have parental authority? I think that's unrealistic to expect.
She doesn't parent my daughter in any other way, so she can't discipline her either.

I don't think that's putting them on the same level. Not having parental authority over someone does not always mean you're equal.

She expects my daughter to accept her because she sees disengaging as excluding her, pushing her out, which she thinks is disrespect.

I do try to understand her -

I do try to understand her - but I'm still not sure what should I do.

My daughter says she wants to disengage because she says it's less stress and less drama - and that I agree with, but my wife doesn't.
There has been a negative history, every time they communicate it goes bad.

She doesn't grunt one word

She doesn't grunt one word answers, but she doesn't engage in conversations much either.
Example - she'll be asked a question. She will answer, no grunts, just normal but monotone, indifferent voice with enough detail to count as a normal, good answer but not enough to say she's opened up and had a nice chat. She doesn't ask questions or say anything she hasn't been asked about so I wouldn't call it engaging.
But what exactly can I tell her - try to sound happy when talking to my wife? Ask her questions?
That's the problem. I can see what is bothering my wife but I'm not sure how can I change that or should I even want to.

She says she wants to remain distant because they don't get along, which is true and she simply doesn't want a relationship with her because it's too stressful and dramatic, which is also true.

Erm, let's put it this way -

Erm, let's put it this way - is it normal to force a person to be warm, close, and open to another person?
Not in my opinion. Forcing politeness and civility is as far as I think it should go.

My 1 priority and responsibility is my daughter and my wife knows it - she knew it before we got married.

I gave an example somewhere in the comments below or above.

Who would allow their child

Who would allow their child to ask such questions?

I kind of agree with what you

I kind of agree with what you are saying here... this is where my DH and I butt heads. He says in one breath that he wants me to "act like a mother" to SD15. But then turns around and tells me to mind my own business when I raise concern about excessive spending, grades, things of that nature. You can't have it both ways and I refuse to "act like a mother" only when it's convenient for SD and DH.. it's give and take, good and bad, all or nothing.

I understand you, that's

I understand you, that's pretty much why I don't think my wife should take the role of a disciplinarian - I don't expect her to do anything for my daughter but I don't expect my daughter to think of her as much of an authority as her mother and I are. It goes both ways and in this situation, there's no relationship of that type.

I do demand her to treat her

I do demand her to treat her as a teacher and she does. Polite, civil, but distant.

OMG !!!! That's hysterical

Your wife at a minimum should

Your wife at a minimum should have the same rights as any adult who is in contact with your daughter, like a teacher. Do you expect a teacher to parent your child - no, do you expect them to be able to maintain control of their classroom because they are the authority figure in the classroom - yes.

Your wife is an authority figure within the house, its her house, adults are the authority figure within their home. Children live in the home much like they attend class in my opinion.

There are rules - to which any authority figure should be able to enforce. Children within the classroom\home must respect authority figures.

You wouldn't expect your daughter to ignore\disengage\be disresepctful to a teacher would you? But you would allow that to your wife, the woman you married and love?

Mutual respect is a must. Just as you wouldn't expect a teacher to drop everything to drive your daughter somewhere or to clean her clothing, if you go with the non parental role, it doesn't change the fact that your wife is still an authority within the house.

Not one person gets to choose

Not one person gets to choose where we go. Not I, or my daughter, or my wife, but all together. If we all go, we all make a decision together. We can't all go somewhere just because my daughter or my wife wants it. We all have to want to go to a place in order for it to be a nice outing.
And if one of them doesn't feel good - then that one doesn't go. We're not tied to eachother, we can function separately.
If one of them really really wants to go to a place and the other doesn't - well then we'll do it separately. I'll go with one on Friday and one on Saturday, or something. But I won't force anyone to go to places of other people's choice if that's not what they want. Don't wanna go, stay home. But you're not keeping others home unless it's an actual necessity.
As for the bills - I pay mine and my daughters, sometimes my wife's. She doesn't pay for anything of my daughter.
We all decide together - no one decides for everyone.

Thank you. I don't expect my

Thank you.
I don't expect my wife to take care of my daughter, I never do.
It all has to be fair and expecting that wouldn't be.

She isn't. My wife thinks

She isn't.

My wife thinks disengagement would be disrespect.

She admits the not liking my

She admits the not liking my wife, it doesn't need evidence.
I honestly don't think she's telling us she knows better - she's just telling me what she thinks is a solution. And I agree, my wife doesn't.

She's not waving it about - she told me when I asked her what could be done to stop the constant tension and arguments between them.

I don't see how is she saying she's in charge. She's simply saying she doesn't like her and doesn't want drama and stress.

I'm not sure how is it bratty if she's polite and civil. It's polite, just very cold and distant behavior.

I don't think this is about

I don't think this is about chasing, really.

She is allowed to enforce

She is allowed to enforce house rules, just not the rules I have for my daughter unrelated to the home itself.

She can't tell her when to do

She can't tell her when to do her homework or what to wear when she goes out.

She can make plans for herself, not for my daughter.

I see nothing wrong with

I see nothing wrong with this.

Your wife thinks your

Your wife thinks your daughter disengaging is disrespectful... What engagement from your daughter does she feel is required for there to be no disrespect? And what is DD's idea of disengagement?

I wrote about my daughter's

I wrote about my daughter's idea of disengagement - just basic civility like Hello and Goodbye.

My wife thinks that's just excluding her and making her an outsider, which she considers disrespect.

Thank you, I will tell her

Thank you, I will tell her about it

You also need to read it.

You also need to read it. Probably more than your wife does.

Erm - she never expressed a

Erm - she never expressed a wish for us to be back together.

I commented on your other

I commented on your other post, and I'm going to say it again. My SD15 lives with us full time (since April of this year)and I hate every second of it. We used to get along great when she was younger but pretty much ever since DH and I got married and had our BS3, things have gone dramatically down hill. I don't like SD. Plain and simple. She is a spoiled, entitled, manipulative, brat who does poorly in school, is a lazy slob and basically brings ZERO to our household other than extra bills and stress on my marraige... so yes, I don't like her and I resent her.

SD does not like me either. She has made various comments (none to my face) over the past 3-4 years. SD has never been snippy or mouthy with me, in fact, she DOES try to be civil (as your daughter does) by saying "thank you" if I drop her off at school or something of that nature. Honestly, I could care less if she never spoke to me again, and I would RATHER than she not speak to me or engage me as I'm not big on playing games.

My DH thinks that I should put on a happy face, pretend to like her and that everything will be unicorns and rainbows. Not going to happen. I.don't.like.her. and I'm not going to pretend that I do... so why? She can walk all over me some more, call me names on the social media, steal some more of my belongings? No, not opening that can of worms again. My complete and utter disengagement is the only way I am surviving right now.

And the more DH tries to FORCE me to sit and sing Kumbayah and bake cupcakes and whatever dumb ideas he has swirling in his head the more I dig in my heels and the more resentful of the situation I get and I think you/your wife trying to force your SD to have some fake relationship is just going to make your SD resent your wife even more.

I guess I don't understand why if your wife does not like your daughter, they don't get along, why SHE would not want to be disengaged. I could see if your daughter was being rude, or nasty, but it sounds like she is being civil and just minimal in her contact. I would rather have minimal contact with someone I don't care for, than have them pretending that everything is roses and in my face.

Kind of a double standard

Kind of a double standard going on around here :? . Why is it routinely suggested and advised for SM to disengage but somehow it's a terrible thought that the SD politely disengage from the SM?

The SD is being civil and polite. Why is it different for this SD to basically say 'not my mother, not my problem' as SM's are told 'not my kid, not my problem'. The SD isn't being mean to the SM. She isn't in SM's face tossing attitude. The SM isn't expected to do anything for the SD (no cooking, cleaning up after, no cash from SM's pocket). So why the big idea of SD not wanting SM to worry about whether or not SD does homework? This girl is 15yrs old, what's it to SM if the girl is doing homework after school or playing on her cellphone? Isn't that what we routinely tell SMs here? That who cares if the kid does her homework or not, not my kid, not my problem? The OP does say that if SD has left a mess SM does ask SD to tend to it and SD does. The SD isn't breaking house rules or telling SM to go to h*ll and in SM's face...the kid just doesn't see a need for SM to be worrying about playing Mommy. The kid has a mother and a father. SM is her father's wife, not SD's caretaker.

I seriously think you all are being trolled to turn the SM can disengage but you don't think the skid can disengage from a relationship with the step-parent. If the SD is polite, civil and minds the household rules ...why is the skid expected to be buddies with SM but SM's routinely told to leave the kid alone and let her parent deal with her. For that's what is occurring in this gentleman's scenario. The kid isn't disrespecting the SM by not following house rules, expecting SM to do for skid and being an ungrateful brat. Skid isn't fighting with SM or causing any troubles for SM. Skid is merely requesting to co-exist politely, civilly and peacefully. The kid is just saying 'let my father parent me'. One can't make a skid and step-parent 'like' each other or be grand buddies. The kid has two active parents, she's polite and civil to Dad's new wife, SM doesn't have to nor is expected to do anything for this kid. Geez, sounds like a SM's ideal world to me.

Geez, sounds like a SM's

Geez, sounds like a SM's ideal world to me.

My point exactly! I would be happier of SD never bothered to speak to me again. I could care less if she says "hi"to me, I could care less if she thanks me on the rare occasion that I am FORCED to do something for her. I just don't understand what this SM/poster wants here???

I see what you are saying....

I see what you are saying.... I guess I wasn't looking at it from that POV. And don't get me wrong, my complete disengagement from SD comes at a price... in that our family IS divided. So for instance, I do get pissed when DH and SD run off to shop or grab a bite to eat and I am not included (my choice of course) but can see how that would be an even more bitter pill to swallow if it was NOT your choice.

Absolutely. If my daughter

Absolutely. If my daughter disengages, I also expect my wife to disengage as well and support that completely.
I don't expect my wife do to anything for my daughter and if my wife does not want to talk about my daughter - then why would I insist?

I'm sorry, but even if they

I'm sorry, but even if they were not disengaged, my wife would not discipline my daughter on any matters that are not related to our house.
I'm not making a list - I'm simply saying that she has an authority role in the house - because she is an adult that contributes, but not in general in my daughter's life because she is not an adult that contributes in that aspect.

At school - I wouldn't expect a professor to tell my daughter when to do her chores or what to wear for her birthday, I only expect them to discipline her in school matters - like learning and behavior.

You are being obtuse and the

You are being obtuse and the fact that you are trying so hard to make excuses shows you know how wrong this whole situation is. I predict divorce coming soon.

They were engaged - and their

They were engaged - and their communication always ended in arguments and it was pretty stressful. So I do understand wanting not to engage with someone if it always ends in a bad way.

Sometimes my daughter,

Sometimes my daughter, sometimes my wife. Equal, really.
It starts as a regular argument about irrelevant things as who should get to use which mug or is a green dress pretty, but it ends in fights.

So I should let my wife tell

So I should let my wife tell my daughter to not take a mug that I bought because she claims it as her own?
interesting, but how about no.

Why should I put my wife

Why should I put my wife above my daughter when it comes to a mug? Why should I put anyone over anyone in that situation?
If they act like 5 year olds I sure don't choose sides.

Why should I put my wife

Why should I put my wife above my daughter when it comes to a mug? Why should I put anyone over anyone in that situation?
If they act like 5 year olds I sure don't choose sides.

Because he is enjoying seeing

Because he is enjoying seeing them fight over being the wife to him. How he got remarried is beyond me. He must have kept his douchery to a minimum.

Uh, it's MY mug and neither

Uh, it's MY mug and neither of them use it regularly.

If I were your wife, I would

If I were your wife, I would divorce you immediately. You are allowing your child to behave like a brat. As Mairin says, disengagement is appropriate when a person has no other choice-- as a matter of emotional survival. What your daughter is doing is not acceptable, and both her parents should be telling her that. That's my opinion.

So what would be acceptable

So what would be acceptable if polite but distant communication isnt?

I've had a chance to think

I've had a chance to think about this and I think your daughter probably needs therapy and both you and your ex-wife should insist upon it. She is clearly still grieving over the divorce. As for your marriage... you should probably just end it, if possible. Sounds like a nightmare, honestly. Nobody should live this way. Do you have kids with your current wife?

Absolutely not treat her

Absolutely not treat her however she chooses. It has to be civil and polite - I wouldn't allow her to treat anyone any other way, and I don't. She wants to remain distant, and I personally don't see it as wrong.
I don't know what should I face her down about. Being distant?

Why would I laugh in her face? I don't think it's disrespect. Being civil and polite isn't disrespectful, not in my opinion.

She IS polite and civil - and she must be. Whether he likes it or not.
She's not disrespectful, just distant - which my wife sees as disrespect. I don't.

Being civil and polite IS having manners. Therefore I see no reason to keep her out of our home. For being distant maybe?

I see no reason to "face her down".

I think she behaves herself.

No, I would spend

No, I would spend Thanksgiving with my daughter and wouldn't be bothered if my wife doesn't want to.

And no one gets to decide how

And no one gets to decide how I feel.

As you've posted more since I

As you've posted more since I last viewed this thread this morning, I have to admit I've changed my mind. Your initial postings were that SD is civil and polite...but after now seeing additional examples on what your idea of civil and polite is I've realized you have no fricken clue what civil and polite means.

You've went from 'SD is civil and polite' to basically 'SD can tell SM to f*ck off if SD wants to use SM's mug and SM says no'. Newsflash: Being an obnoxious self entitled brat who deliberately defies is not a teen being civil and polite. It's not a teen who wants to 'disengage'. Fact is what your daughter is asking for is your blessing to tell SM to go to h*ll and SM can shove it up her behind if SM doesn't like it.

What is civil and polite about that? Is "SM I will use any mug I want regardless of the fact it's your favorite and it's the one you use, because Daddy says I can disengage from you and not pay one iota of attention to what you say and/or think about it" polite and civil. WTF dictionary are you using?

No, what SD is asking is not to be civil and polite to SM and to just let Daddy do the parenting when it comes to parenting needs...what this kid is asking for is to kick SM in the face with a 'ha-ha Daddy says I can'.

Your wife has my permission to kick both you and your obnoxious superior thinking wanna-be equal brat straight to the curb.

'SD can tell SM to f*ck off

'SD can tell SM to f*ck off if SD wants to use SM's mug and SM says no'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Where on earth did he say that?!!!

Stefan's reply when asked who

Stefan's reply when asked who starts the negativity

"It starts as a regular argument about irrelevant things as who should get to use which mug or is a green dress pretty, but it ends in fights."

Now if that isn't basically letting SD to tell SM to f*ck off, I don't know what is. It certainly isn't the civil polite but 'distant' SD we were being told SD is

This is how blogs get so off

This is how blogs get so off course.

Anyway...I believe he also said it was his mug..not SM's.

And that kind of issue is why the DD want to disengage. To avoid those types of issues.

Explain?

Very curious to know exactly

Very curious to know exactly WHAT you see your wifes role as being in your home?

Sex slave?

Your personal maid?

Chief cook and bottle washer?

Part time companion when DD Princess Bitchface doesn't NEEED Dadddyyyyy's attention.

Do the poor woman a favour and divorce her NOW.

I am sorry to seem rude but I

I am sorry to seem rude but I have read thru this thread and your previous thread.

You seem to come on here to justify her actions ~ there had to be something that lead up to the disengagement you question. You are extremely vague in explaining. Something big had to have happened to get you where you are.

I somewhat agree with the politeness but I sense there is something more that you are not willing to reveal. Your protecting someone here ~ your daughter or your wife.

I can't imagine pulling the disengagement card w my father ~ maybe if I was on my own in life but not under my roof type if stuff.

You are looking to agree to disagree with your family ~ id say at her age she is entitled to her opinion but my house my rules. It's called suck it up ! Or you can't always get what you want.

It's not gonna go anywhere positive if you allow your teenage daughter to act so dismissive. You are in for more trouble as she gets older.

If you love your wife ~ do something positive to make her feel important

My SO's daughter at 13 told

My SO's daughter at 13 told him that it was wrong of me to stay over at their house (this after she had known me for 2 years and this when her mother and her BF had been living together for 3 years). At 13 she told him what HE could DO in his own house! And he did it, we did not stay overnight together for at least another 2 years while she was there. Now this child is 19 and living the enabled/spoiled life. She has had 2 roommates in college (1 last year and 1 this year) that she cannot get along with, constant bickering, constant conflict. Perhaps had her father showed her that she was a child and she could not tell adults what they can and can't do, she might have learned some coping skills and might be getting along better in her world today.

Stefan, I think you know better, and you know that you are putting your daughter ahead of your wife, and I also think you knew you always would put your daughter ahead of your wife when you married her, and you should have never gotten married until your daughter was out of your house.

She has a tough life ~ why or

She has a tough life ~ why or why is everyone picking on her. She is an

I've just read your post &

I've just read your post & not all the comments... My thought is, much of the children's thoughts about the step parent is how 1. The other parent views them, 2. How you present them, & 3. Their personal thoughts. With that said, you say the bio mom has no problems with your wife. How do you present her? & has anything happened between your wife & daughter to cause the change?

I've just read your post &

Allow me a moment of your

Allow me a moment of your time Stephan… and listen to a step mother who disengaged so hard and fast that the BM lost her mind and due to her poor reaction to how her ‘babies’ were being treated: Now BM lives in a jail

I disengaged due to obnoxious teenagers. Someone ELSE’S teenagers, whose parents (both my husband and their mother) stated I was NOT a parental figure and had NO authority.

So I ditched responsibility as well.

Separate finances.
It is NOT my responsibility to financially support his kids in ANY way.

DH did NOT get a break for the amount of CS he paid. He earned that money, it was a personal bill of HIS that he had to pay (for fucking a crazy woman… repeatedly).

Divide by percentage usage (I was one out of 6 people in the house, I paid 1/6th of the electric, phone, internet, insurance etc etc etc- The mortgage was in my name, or trust me if it was shared that would have been 1/6th as well.

DH dropped his portion of the joint bills into a joint account. What was left over he paid his PERSONAL bills with (such as CS) and whatever was left was his spending money/ mad money.
If he didn’t have enough money, his ass better pick up some overtime because I was NOT covering his portion of the bills and I was NOT covering his CS either.

I stopped EVERYTHING for his kids.
Cell phones? Canceled.
I did not CARE if they did homework, got up for school, passed or failed.
I did not care if their chores were done.
Did not provide any transportation at all: No rides to school, home from school, no picking them up or taking them to extracurricular. I did not cook for them.
I refused to clean for them
No doing their laundry.
No spending money on them for any reason.
They could not drive my cars nor even sit in them… dad could only use HIS car that HE paid for to drive them around.

The most communication I was willing to offer the kids is “Morning” and “Night”

As soon as I disengaged… they all started chasing me or more to the point my wallet. Kids were pissed I wouldn’t drive them around, do their laundry and spend money on them… holy hell were they pissed about the cell phones.

BM was pissed because if DH was at work and one of the kids needed a ride somewhere for something: she had to do it. Despite it being “dad’s week” or the kids just flat couldn’t do it. She was really bent about the cellphones and my refusal to do their laundry… holy hell… don’t discuss laundry with that woman!

If you have your finances set up so that in NO WAY EVER, does your wife contribute so much as a PENNY towards your childs care and upkeep. That any money paid out in child support comes out of YOUR mad cash, not the household expenses. That your wife NEVER has to drive the kid around (not even to pick her up sick from school) spend any money, no time investment and your wife gets to live a life of a CHILDLESS newly- wed…(Yes childless… YOUR kid is not HER problem so should NEVER come between HER and her HUSBAND).

Then let the kid disengage because your wife will already have.
But… that now means YOU have to parent.

If your kid breaks the disengagement and speaks ill to your wife: You better snap that child back in line.
The kid is never allowed to ask your wife for a favor.
Not to borrow a shirt, curling iron, shoes, or even a pen.
Your wife’s name is removed from any emergency contact list regarding the child. Her phone number is never to be associated with the child. In fact remove it from your daughters phone so your daughter can’t ‘forget’ she is disengaged and when she wants something and call her… asking for the forbidden favor.

Your daughter cannot: roll her eyes, suck her teeth, huff, puff, grunt or show any other negative emotion around your wife. The same behavior your wife must never show your daughter.

Never yell.
No arguing.
No door slamming.
Nothing.
Distant, Silence between the two of them.

Sounds like a hell of a home life doesn’t it?
Ask my DH about it.
It sucked.
For him!

Dear God... I was having a blast! Girls nights out, spending sprees at the mall.. ahh those were the days!!

if you give your daughter the

if you give your daughter the "right" as a child to make decisions in your house about disengaging you are fueling her fire. Unless she is 18 or older and has her own home your daughter does not get the choice to disengage.

however your wife does. your daughter needs to be told if she wants to continue to live with you part of the week that she will respect your wife and HER home. It is not your daughters home it is your wifes.

respect and liking someone are two very different things and it is up to you to instill that.

i have here with my own kids. they dont always like their step dad but they know better then to disrespect him. Because I forced that thought.

however my SD now 17 almost 18 has had "choices" she chose to move with her mother 500 miles away, then she chose to come back to live with us, then she chose to go live with MIL when I refused to be disrespected yet used when convient.

now she is 6 months from graduating. works 8 hours a week, has no car and no money for one. has a 1.3 grade average. yep she will go far.

children have zero right oto make any decisions. thats what parents are for

Excuse me? It is not my

Excuse me? It is not my daughter's home?!
Of course it is.
Mine, my daughter's, and my wife's.

You are a tosser. The most

You are a tosser.

The most telling statement you have made so far Sir (and I mean NO respect when I say that)

Surely, in a marriage the statement should be "Mine, my WIFES and my daughters!"

Your wife is an afterthought, she is not really a partner or a wife to you.

Where are you located? I wonder at your dismissive attitude towards the woman you have married.

I've now read through all 7

I've now read through all 7 pages of this post, and I'm just sincerely curious as to why you'd come here, post about your situation, and then completely and flat out reject any and all advice given to you. But seriously- you're not doing yourself, your wife, OR your daughter any favors by letting the situation continue as is.

Family counseling. Seriously.

What is crew ???

Crew was a former poster who

Crew was a former poster who had us tear up over the tale of how her stepchild flushed her engagement ring, killed her dog, etc. Seriously, her stepchild was the anti-christ. It turns out it was all a lie. Since then, the legitimacy of lot of blog posts (especially new ones) have been called into question. So being "crewed" is STalk-speak for "being lied to".

>I suppose my daughter knows

>I suppose my daughter knows of the term because she googled about step families but I'm not sure, I don't know.<

Stefan, I am sorry that this blog post of yours turned into the trainwreck that it is, but I think your daughter may have missed the explanation of "disengaging" completely. Disengaging is a practice to save a parent (or a stepparent) who has invested themselves too much emotionally into their stepchildren's upbringing. By disengaging, the stepparent saves themselves from emotional heartbreak. Disengaging is not done to spite the person you are disengaging from. I am hoping some of the posters here have given you some clarity on this but IMHO your daughter simply cannot be the one to disengage. Your wife should. Why? Because your daughter is still a dependant. Your wife is not. Your daughter still needs to be raised and disciplined when needed. Your wife, does not.

I'm a stepfather myself and God only knows the amount of times I've been raked over the coals on this site every time I step in to discipline my stepson but both myself and my wife have talked long and hard about what our respective roles in our family should be. There was a lot of talking, a lot of arguing but in the end we came to a suitable compromise. Whatever you expect your wife's role to be, it needs to be made clear and since she is your wife, you need to listen to what she has to say. I am sure she wants the same thing for your daughter as you do.

I guess I am one of the few

I guess I am one of the few that thinks this is ok. To me...his wife sounds like a juvenile and his DD sounds more mature than her. At least the DD is trying to find ways to make this work without all the fighting.

LOL!

I thought so too but then

I thought so too but then Stefan started explaining his wife's role in the family and how it is not her responsibilty to parent his daughter *KAPLOOIE*....Blogsplosion.

THIS This sounds perfect to

THIS

This sounds perfect to me.

BD nor BM expect SM to parent or support their kid.
SM isn't expected to cook, clean...for SD.
SD isn't disrespectful/bitchy to SM.
No holiday drama.
No vacation drama.

I did notice he STFU .....

I did notice he STFU ..... Come out come out where ever you are !!

I smell bullshit !

It's a duck ~ lol remember that saying.

Something happened to warrant daughter distain.
Something big happened ~ n sounds like little Ariel is having a Veruca Salt moment. Get off your high horse if you want to save your marriage ~ sounds to me you have your mind made up before you even posted.

This blog would have been

This blog would have been TOTALLY different if it had been posted by a woman. JMHO.

Did you notice the part where

Did you notice the part where he says that his daughter ALWAYS comes above his wife?

Or where he says that if his wife wanted to do something with her family on Thanksgiving and his daughter didn't want to go he would stay home with the little brat?

Or how about when his wife went to use a particular mug and his daughter tried to take the same one - instead of telling his daughter to let the wife use the cup he treated them BOTH like children? NOT COOL

Is it so hard to figure out

Is it so hard to figure out that everyone chooses their own priorities?

I think whoever said that

I think whoever said that Stefan is the daughter !!! Is dead balls on !!!

What guy would come on here n post like he/she does. I don't know any man that would respond to as many posts as he/she did n does. Plus making 3 threads on this.

Little girl grow up n remove your pull ups n face the world instead of being a spoiled brat. In one of he/she's post ~ they slipped up posting.

It's the daughter ~ kudos to whoever post that idea.

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