What is "civility"/ What civility should SK show SP
That seems to be an issue here on ST today. Well, in fact it seems to be every day.
I think we can all agree that we can't force someone to feel warm and fuzzy about others. But civility, to me, goes beyond one-word answers, coldness, etc.
There was a time when I too was a moody teen. If I got a good grade in school, or if I accomplished something outstanding, I wasn't allowed to use that as an exclusionary tactic. I tried what Stefan's daughter is doing. So to some extent, I do agree that you can't force someone to feel warmth. But my parents caught on to what I was doing and told me that while I didn't have to love or like my SPs, I do have to be friendLY. As in, it's ok to tell them if you accomplished something, got a good grade, etc. It's ok to share a milestone with them. It opened me up to more caring people.
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Also, I don't think stepkids
Also, I don't think stepkids should be forced to hug people, say "I love you," etc., but it never hurts to extend a polite handshake/wave,
DH has told my SD this and I
DH has told my SD this and I agree; You don't have to love her or like her, but you will be polite and respectful.
Me and my SD11 don't really have a relationship. She only speaks to me when spoken to or when she has a question that DH can't answer or he isn't home. We say hello, goodbye, and goodnight. That's it. I like it this way now. It took me a long time to disengage.
You're right, you can't force a warm and loving relationship. You can't force any relationship. But, you can be polite, use manners and be civil to one another. Faking it and forcing it will make the situation worse. My SD11 knows that she can come to me to ask anything or to share anything and it has been her choice not to. I leave it at that.
I'm big on being polite -
I'm big on being polite - please & thank you and hello & good-bye. I don't expect my skids to hug me or say that they love me but I do expect them to say good-bye when they leave, especially when I say good-bye to them first.
This is an ongoing problem. I've pointed it out to DH a number of times but I don't think he actiually gets it. Although he has been better about calling the skids out on it.
It's so hurtful on the mornings when I say good-bye to them and tell them to have a good day and they just turn and walk out the door without saying anything, like I'm invisible. DH used to make up excuses for them too, that just made it worse.
~BettyRay
I agree, but I guess I still
I agree, but I guess I still wonder where the line should be drawn. You can't force someone to feel something but nobody should feel excluded in their home. If the parent is going to say to the kid, "fake it till you make it," I hope they also buy their kid a diary and encourage them to seek support from friends. And the reality is that some people never come to feel love for their sks/SPs. That's ok, too. Do my sks feel fuzzies for me? Idk. I don't expect them to. We get along well. They're polite. That's what I do expect.
I can relate to alot of what
I can relate to alot of what stefan was saying because when we first got together our home was alot like that. SD didn't like me, she tried to run me off, she protested at every step her father and I took in our relationship, we even had a knock down fight over an item once, not a mug but something else. She felt that anything her daddy paid for was automatically hers. I went off the deep end that day. He didn't defend her but he didn't defend me either. It got deep that day if we hadn't been on vacation I probably would have left that day. I haven't disengaged because it seems cold, I know it works for alot, I am not saying it's a bad thing for anyone. I think everyone has to find what works for them to get through this SM nightmare we go through at times. I know a blended family is not and will never be in most cases be like an intact family, but I need to feel comfortable and at home in my own home. There is no way that wife in that situation can be happy and at peace in her own home. It has been a long road at my house and everything is not perfect by no means but it has gotten better. I didn't and don't push myself as mother on SD. I had a SM that did that it hurt our relationship. I am what I am, I am DH's wife. SD is very moody and there are days that she don't want to talk to me, on those days I ask her a 100 questions about her day just to piss her off!!
sheesh anon, i thought u were
sheesh anon, i thought u were stefan by the title!!
i'll read through this now and comment in a few mins.
well it is about 'him'! i
well it is about 'him'!
i wholeheartedly agree with Brie's and NoDoormat's definitions.
i even tried google, here's what i found:
What is Civility?
“Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process.” – Tomas Spath and Cassandra Dahnke, Founders of the Institute for Civility in Government
Civility is about more than just politeness, although politeness is a necessary first step. It is about disagreeing without disrespect, seeking common ground as a starting point for dialogue about differences, listening past one’s preconceptions, and teaching others to do the same. Civility is the hard work of staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and fierce disagreements. It is political in the sense that it is a necessary prerequisite for civic action. But it is political, too, in the sense that it is about negotiating interpersonal power such that everyone’s voice is heard, and nobody’s is ignored.
And civility begins with us."
also, perhaps stefan and his daughter need to check out: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-moment-youth/201206/teaching-civ...