Is this rude?
Or am I being overly sensitive. This is only my 4th post, but basically, my SO & I have been together for 6 years now. I have referred to his family as "the mafia" b/c they always exclude me & my bios (not coming to my bios birthdays, ignoring us at holidays, etc). I'm not sure why I'm even posting this as I should be used to it by now but it still pisses me off every time. In the beginning of the relationship, my mom would sometimes keep my bios on my ex's weekend. Sometimes it was b/c she wanted to do something with them but most of the time it was b/c she knew that he was probably sleeping or ignoring them. My SO used to get extremely angry about this, accusing my mom of getting them on my ex's weekends so she didn't have to do anything with HIS bios. After a few months of him getting furious about this & jumping all over me about it, I had a talk with my mom. I told her that maybe she needed to start doing something with ALL the kids on the weekends that we had them. Well, my mom did. She knew exactly what was going on & was trying to keep the peace for me. She started taking the girls out for girls days & the same with the boys. She has had several sleepovers with all 4 kids at her house & in fact is having one next weekend for all 4 of them. Keep in mind that my mom lives alone (been divorced for the 2nd time for 3 years), works full time & is 56. She still looks & acts young but still. My SO's mom has NEVER kept my kids or taken them anywhere EVER. She has never offered either. SO's sister (who has a daughter & son) has called & invited SO's bios over to spend the night but has NEVER offered for my kids to stay. SO's mom called Sunday to see if she could come get HIS BIOS & let them stay the night with her b/c school was out on Monday. My bios were there also. Did she even ask? Did SO even bother to tell her that my bios were there? Of course not. We got into a fight about it b/c 1) he used to bitch me out about it when he was accusing MY MOM of doing it & 2) for some reason, he does not see this as rude. His mom is 5 years younger than my mom, works full-time but at a job where she gets 8 days off per month & lives alone also (her DH died last year). He told me that his mom should not have to watch them all. But why does my mom? I am asking b/c he makes me feel like I am crazy & irrational b/c things like this upset me.
& FYI, I would never allow my children to go now after they have been excluded for 6 years but they have never even been invited....EVER....in 6 YEARS
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Please let me be the first to
Please let me be the first to tell you how annoying this is! I have been dealing with the same thing. Only my mom offers to take all the kiddos and my Dh family doesn't ever want to do anything with my Bio Kids. I get so sick of it. I don't think I really have any advice to offer seeings as how I am only a year and a half into this treatment, and your already 6 years into it.
I see its not going to get any better for me either.
I thought when two people who love each other got married and they already had children from a previous , that they were to accept the spouses kids like their own and their family follow suit. Boy that was a fairytale meant to be left on Lifetime Television.
Now I play referee, and buffer. I try to shelter my kids from the treatment, but since they are now in school, they do know what is going on and they have asked me on occasion what was up. I try to blow it off but I know I need to figure out what to say to them. Allot of times I distract them by having them do things with my side of the family and their grandparents once a month. That way no matter what they know they have a family who loves them and never treats them poorly.
I think maybe you should put it in a different perspective for your DH and ask him this " if I did this ( name out what he does) then how would that make you feel?" or simply tell him " stop being a hypocrite!"
First up, knock it with the
First up, knock it with the age thing. Unless your mothers are disabled and/or unhealthy 50s isn't exactly elderly. I am a fulltime mother of a 13yr old and have my grandkids quite often. Even all at once. I just had my 5wk old nephew and the grandkids plus daughter weekend before last. Unless these children are obnoxious brats who refuse to listen or swing from the ceiling fan and shoot basketballs through the diningroom into the kitchen sink...well, you get the idea.
So why did you listen to DH b*tch about his kids not being included with your mother while his own mother never returns the favor? He whined, you gave in and asked your mom. She said ok. Has DH ever asked his mother? If so and she has said no, then no it is. Neither one of you (DH/you) should be expecting and/or demanding either mother watch any kids. It's a privilege when and if the grandparent announces they'll take the kids. Your mother is doing a very kind thing by taking all four kids at once. But being angry DH's mother refuses isn't going to get you very far. For whatever reason she has chosen to only take her own grandkids.
Yeah, I 'get' it. It's hard to explain to kids why some are included and the others are not. Especially considering all the kids are included at the other grandma's home. It may be as simple as one mother has more tolerance than the other one and one is more willing to give up her spare time to chase after and cook for 4 kids. But you're either going to have to try to not let the resentment bubble or simply tell your own mother that it is ok if she only takes your two now and then (or all the time). Yeah, Dh will b*tch and whine. But there's no happy solution here. You can't force your children on his mother.
The only reason I mentioned
The only reason I mentioned age is b/c he acts like it is too hard on his mom to watch all 4 kids while my mom (who is 5 years older) should have no problem with it.
i would tell him that until
i would tell him that until his family starts to do the same things with my kids that that they do with his just like my mom does and that you bitched about you can shut the hell up!
then i would tell my mom to stop doing for his kids and to stop spending her money and time on them.
His family is going to love
His family is going to love his bios more. Yours is going to love your bios more. No problem with that.
In order to alleviate any jealousy over this, your family spends time with your kids and his spends time with his.
We live together & have been
We live together & have been engaged for about 3 of those years. We are not married b/c I didn't want to get married which is also a sore subject for him.