ss6 told me that him, BM, ss5, DH and my soon to be born baby girl are a family and I'm not part of that family :(
In the last few days, ss6 has made numerous drawing of his "family" in some of them I'm included and in others BM is included and on some of them I'm left off. Yesterday after I spent my whole afternoon playing with him and helping him clean his room, he told me he's going to draw a picture. A few minutes later he came back proudly with a drawing with five people in it. He was so proud of his family portrait and proceeded to tell me who's who in the drawing : him, BM, ss5, DH and my little girl. He told me I'm not in the picture because I'm not his family. He then went on about how when the baby's born, DH will take him ,ss5 and baby to BM's house. I tried explaining to him that no, his sister is my baby and will always stay with me, that his baby sister will not be going with him and ss5 to BM's house. He kept insisting that all of them are family and I'm not.
I was completely caught off guard by that comment. I can understand how in his little 6 year old world since him and ss5 go to BM about half of the time, he might think baby will go with them too. But I was never prepared to hear him say that they're a family and I'm not part of that family. I've been with DH since ss6 was 2, I met him when he was about 2.5 years old. BM and DH separated and their divorce was final all before he was 2 so I doubt he remembers BM and DH being together. SS6 and I have a decent relationship so I don't think he was being mean but I also think that it needs to be made clear to him that my baby(his little sister) is my family. DH suspects that all this might be partly coming from BM. Right before I got pregnant, I blogged about BM emailing DH saying they are a family, will always be and I'm the outsider. I sure hope she's not putting that crap in the ss's head as well.
This is a delicate situation and honestly I'm not sure how to handle it if ss6 brings it up again that I'm not part of his family but baby girl is part of his family with BM. Any suggestions?
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Honestly, I wouldn't handle
Honestly, I wouldn't handle this well at all. I won't give advice because I will get slammed on here for child abuse.
Hmmm it sounds like this kid
Hmmm it sounds like this kid is just a lil Confused....he is only 6....so maybe DH can sit him down and explain things to him...I mean its not abnormal to kids to see their biological parents as their "family"....I think once he gets older he will get it...I wouldn't take it too personally at all....but tell DH that YOU guys are a family now....SANS BM....she will always be DSs family....but she isn't a part of this family and You are...maybe when he hears it from his dad he will be able to accept it more then when it comes from you
Would it be wrong to tell him
Would it be wrong to tell him that he is part of two separate families? One that consists of him, ss5, and BM. And his other family consists of him, ss5, DH, me and baby girl.
I don't think there is
I don't think there is anything wrong with you guys telling him that he has 2 families, however that needs to come from your dh.
Nope, nothing wrong with
Nope, nothing wrong with that...that's how it is...But yes I agree w pp...ALL of it needs to come from your DH
wouldnt be wrong at all! i
wouldnt be wrong at all! i knew innately from a very very young age that i had two separate, distinct families. it was just the way it was.
if you chose to enlighten him on how steps work, the only advice i'd give is make it a blessing for him, but still keep it matter of fact.
good luck!
Oh and BM IS probably putting
Oh and BM IS probably putting that in SS head...But your DH needs to counteract it and put it in his head that YOU guys are a family...Including You!
I agree with Lalalaaa. My Ss
I agree with Lalalaaa. My Ss is 5 and he understands that my soon to be born baby girl is my baby and that at our house that is our family and at his mom's that is his other family. I think he see it this way also because Dh and Bm split up when he was 3 mo old and I've been in his life since he was 3 yrs old so he doesn't have any memory of them as a "family". Just like lalalaa said, your Dh definately needs to counteract that and help him understand that you guys are a family.
Odds are extremely high that
Odds are extremely high that the BM is trying to create a loyalty conflict--I also agree that DH should counteract this as much as possible.
At age six is when kids become very intrigued by familial status. I remember SD asking me at that age "what are YOU to us Thinkthrice?" Well since the BM was and still is a HUGE PASinator (in more ways than one) and since her father was like a wet noodle in the hands of BM, he would slink down and say "Thrinkthrice is JUST daddy's friend." He went out of his way to make sure I didn't "usurp" the BM's position. IMHO Guilty Daddy overdid the "SM is nothing" routine, gave the BM all the power and to this day is suffering for it with three very PASed out, estranged children.
I would encourage your DH to
I would encourage your DH to have a talk with SS, I'm willing to bet that BM is behind this. You are a part of the family and too damn bad that BM can't seem to move on in life. Don't let this BM get to you, she's not worth it.
Some of it is a kid being a
Some of it is a kid being a kid but some of that is definitely from his BM. SD7 did ask and wonder why we didn't talk about BM's baby, and wanted to know if when the baby was bigger would she come on the visit's too. We explained that her sister is SF's baby with BM so she will stay with BM and SF. Luckily (?) we had SD5's siblings to use as an example "you know how we don't talk about Kid2 and Kid2 even though they are SD5's bro and sis? It's kind of the same thing."
But that was the end of it with us, she was a year older but SD7 isn't at all where she should be maturity-wise.
I did talk to DH about it and
I did talk to DH about it and he said he would have talk with him. I haven't checked to see it that happened.
Truth is you guys I really need to work on not letting BM get to me either directly or through the kids.
SS4 did something similar
SS4 did something similar yesterday. He drew 2 pictures with him, my dog, and DH. I asked where SD19m and I were at in the picture and he said "well I only like me and Daddy so I didn't draw y'all" -sigh-
And of course, it hurt my feelings but DH said I was looking too much into it an SS didn't mean it how I took it. Umm - it's kind of hard to take it any differently when it's said clearly like that but whatever. SS has his moments when he does this but normally he is very sweet. Still hurts though, so I am sorry you're dealing with this as well.
ss6 is normally really sweet
ss6 is normally really sweet too. Whenever he comes back from BM's he would tell me that he missed me and he tells me he loves me at least once a day (sometimes more than DH lol) that's why it hurts hearing him say I'm not family. Deep down, I know the kid considers me his family(I hope), he's probably just confused and I might be reading too much into it...
Because he Is so sweet and
Because he Is so sweet and loves you...the pic thing really Stinks of BM PASing him...she's not happy that DH has a new family and that SS Loves you...so she's trying to project Her feelings onto the poor kid...UGH
Yeah I would chalk this up to
Yeah I would chalk this up to the kid not understanding the family dynamics.
DW and I have two bio's
SS's father and his new wife (SS's stepmom) also have a kid together.
One day (when he was around 8, SS asked "When is Drac0 and my stepmom gonna get together and have a kid?"
:jawdrop:
Seriously, he thought at the time that we were all one big happy family.
I answered "Are you sure you want that? Because that will mean less Christmas presents to go around."
He never broached the subject again.
Ss8 has drawn some bizzarre
Ss8 has drawn some bizzarre combinations, too. It's normal. Last year his 11 year old half brother by bm who lives with her parents and ss sees maybe twice a year informed ss that they have different fathers. Ss was SHOCKED. What you're dealing with is normal. Just keep presenting kiddo with the facts and hell figure it out as he gets older.
I sure hope so
I sure hope so
okay, iam going to go ahead
okay, iam going to go ahead and shake my head on this one...most are NOT going to like my response but here goes: you have been in this kids' life since he was 2 right?..he is now 6..plenty of time for him to "get it" when it comes to seperating "family"...sorry but this kid KNEW EXACTLY what he was doing when he drew that "family" picture..HE just showed you where YOU stand, doesn't matter how much you do for him, how sweet he has been before to you, etc etc, he just showed you how he feels on paper...this will get worse...just be prepared....
My SSatm6 said when I brought
My SSatm6 said when I brought BS1 home and called him "my baby" he said, "no, this is my mommy's baby" so of course DH and I sat him down and explained that I am BS1's mommy and DH is daddy. It only took one talk and he got it. Now he says to his brother when I call him "go to mommy"
Haha - not the same but I
Haha - not the same but I remember the first time my son realized that his father and I were never married. He was so shocked to find out that you didn't have to be married to get pregnant! LOL