Crazy reaches a new level!!
So too begin. We have always dealt with BM civilly and have never let her get the better of us. Yes on occasion my DH has called her out om her shit bit he has done that in an adult manner. I myself have only ever had 1 altercation with her and this was when she was shouting and swearing at my DH in front of SS and I simply reminded her that SS was present and it wouldn't be nice for him to see his mum act like that. She proceeded to call me a homewrecker and a bitch I just stood and watched her make a fool of herself.
BM has only my DH mobile number. She doesn't have our landline or my mobile. She is only allowed this number as I have experienced threats and harassment from her in the past so we set a boundary of her only contacting DH mobile. Now this contact should only be regarding SS for example if he is Ill or there is a need to change visitation. My DH also only contacts BM if SS is sick or there needs to be a change to visitation. BM is allowed a (court ordered) phone call with SS when he is with us on our weekends. This is where the problem started. During one of these phone calls she asks to speak with DH. She states that she will not be allowing DH his holiday time as per the CO as she no longer trusts him to look after him. DH informed her that if she broke the CO again he would take her back to court. After a lot of screaming on her part she backed down. She does this a lot she trys to find ways to engage my DH to argue with her but he is good at remaining court and sticking to the CO. She has tried claiming SS was Ill to get DH to speak with her (basically told DH SS had a gluten intolerance and they needed to meet to discuss his diet) DH went straight to his doctor and found that actually there was nothing wrong with SS. She has done this on a number of occasions we found it's called fabricated illness a little like munchausen.
DH called SS one evening and BM answered the phone. She proceeded to shout and scream at DH about something that had been said about her by one of his family members. DH knew nothing about this and continually stated to her that she was interfering with a court ordered phone call. So after he hangs up the phone she sends approximately 20 texts basically telling my DH he's a crap dad for not sticking up for her and he should have her back blah blah blah. All the texts were ignored. During that week there mist have been 100 texts and 20 phone calls all ignored.
MIL called at the end of that week and explained that BM's father had been to there house to rant and rave at them too. MIL gave him some home truths about his daughter and he went away with his tail between his legs. This is what we think has turned the crazy up a notch because before then BM's parents believed everything she said and never had DH's side of the story so we think they are obviously starting to see her for what she is therefore making her more mad that they don't see DH as the bad guy anymore.
For the past 2 weekends we have had SS we have noticed a dramatic change in him and the way he behaves (I have posted about this in the general
Knowledge forum). So my question, do we keep ignoring BM and let her get worse or do we engage with her? And by me I mean DH.
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Nothing she does say is
Nothing she does say is important. But when we don't engage with her she tells SS that we are ignoring her an it's because we don't want to talk about him. The past 2 weekends we have had SS she has asked to speak to DH whilst speaking with SS on the phone. We have not responded and ignored those requests. After SS finished the phone call he complained of being ill and wanting to go home. He was then physically sick, god knows what she said during that phone call. So do we still ignore her? And how do we deal with SS when this happens?
How do we help him deal with
How do we help him deal with the pressure? I mean it's getting ridiculous now. We don't know what she is saying to him on the phone but in the past if SS has been ill and wanted to go home we have always called BM to pick him up. This time we didn't we reassured him he was safe and we would look after him. Maybe she wanted to make him behave this way so DH would call her and loose a full weekend of visitation? I don't know though because what kind of mum would do that??
We live in the UK so BM has
We live in the UK so BM has residency and we have SS EOWE and 2 nights a week. She definatley tries everything in her power to stop visitation and if she can't do that she PAS SS instead to make him uncomfortable in our home. She has also pulled the 'he needs me when he's sick' card and before I read other peoples blogs on PAS we fell for it as we thought it was in SS best interests. This weekend was the first weekend we didn't contact her when he was sick. I cant wait for the backlash from that. She has sent letters with SS in the past demanding that we call her the minute SS is ill so she can collect him. Looks like the shit will hit the fan now.
You can't control what BM
You can't control what BM does and says to your SS, and damage control is also hard to do without it coming across as PAS.
My SD's (3yo) BM is borderline, complete emotional mess whenever she doesn't get her way (which is every other week) poor SD is subjected to all of her Moms breakdowns, she has come to us and told her Dad "Stop bothering my Mom, you make her mad all the time, stop it!". Also after BIG breakdowns, SD is a bit of an emotional wreak too, she has lashed out at kids at daycare etc, also she has a very low immune system, *could* be from all the stress her little body endures from being around her distraught mother all the time.
The best thing you can do for your SS is give him a VERY loving and nurturing home when he is with you, the way you and your DH interact with each other and other people will teach him appropriate behaviors and respect towards people, also he will not SEE any evidence to what his Mom says, he will figure out the truth that way. Always say nice things about his other family, try to take some of that pressure off him by maybe apologizing that his Mom is upset and he shouldn't have to be brought into his parents issues (all age appropriate language of course).
Good luck, I know how heartbreaking it can be as a SM to watch a little kid be torn a part like this and not have the power to fix it