Not a SM YET, but don't think for one second that means I am clueless
I've got some crap on here for not being a SM, it seems to be a never ending battle.
And well lots on here have made personal jabs at the few of us who are live-ins without the title of "STEP"
I just want to share my background, because although I am not "SM" I have more than lived it-and still turned out ok.
I'm not claiming to be an expert but living it all around me and seeing how things were handled is different than just getting plopped into it.
My father was a step father. My mother was a step mother.
And all 5 of my siblings are steps to each other and halfs to me, but none of us all each other that even after our parents divorced.
My father was married twice before and brought in two girls from one BM and a boy from another BM.
My mother was also married twice before and brought two girls from one BF with a shitty ex we dealt with from her second marriage.
After they were married a few years they had me-not planned.
I grew up in a house where my fathers kids were carted away every few weeks to opposite ends of the country and my mother's two daughters cried over the phone to their dad "why can't we come see you, don't you love us?"
My parent's were not Greg and Carol Brady. They yelled at each other in front of us on occasion, they punished each others kids-sometimes unfairly, but they ALWAYS, ALWAYS encouraged us that WE were a family.
And all of us, now grown, still consider us ALL to be siblings. My two sisters and brother from my dad still introduce my mother's daughters as their sisters and likewise,--even though they look nothing alike!
My dad's kids called my mom by her name, and to me and my other sisters they said, "your mom". My mom's daughters called my dad his first name, and to me and my brother and sisters, they said "your dad"
And then you throw into it that one of my sisters from my mom is mentally challenged, it makes it even more remarkable to me now-grown-that my dad's kids wanted anything to do with a "step"sister who has mental deficiencies.
And of course, growing up all the kids pointed at me that I was the favorite, that I was getting special treatments-HOWEVER- by the time I was in high school, and they were all in their late 20's to early 30's they all told me they realized as soon as they moved out of the house that it was only money being more abundant when I was growing up compared to when they were growing up that gave them this unfair thought.
My younger sister from my father's side just got married, all all of her sisters were her bridesmaids, me, and my three other sisters-we flew in to do it.
My sister with mental handicaps went missing a few years ago, and my brother flew in from a job on the west coast to help look for her.
Both of my sisters on my mom's side married men who already had kids from another marriage, and one of my sisters on my dad's side did too.
I would never call my upbringing perfect, and my parents did not do everything like they should have, but all 6 of us turned out ok. We don't have any deep feelings of hate towards each other or the other parent.
So, no I am not a "stepmom" but I've lived through this stuff and have a front row seat in my own family.
I'm not entering this relationship with my boyfriend blindly, I know it will not be rainbows and butterflies, I know it will be work... But I know there is hope it will turn out ok. When everyone works towards the same goal, sooneror later you get there.
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I am also not married but
I am also not married but feel like I've lived the step life since I was 5. And no one here really gives me a hard time other than when things were really difficult, people cautioned me to make sure things changed ASAP or that I should seriously consider not getting married to FDH. And that was good advice.
When you live with a man and his kids, you are in a SM role. Period. You may not have the official title but you are living that life. People are splitting hairs. This is modern day America and not 1953. Many people live together without being married. We did it for financial reasons. The only way we could ever afford to get married is by combining forces. Personally, I am glad we did it this way otherwise it would have been a crappy start to a marriage. When we do get married, we will be far more settled in with many kinks and issues worked out (everyone in the family included). We are a family whether or not there is a legal paper to say so.
Not sure where all that came
Not sure where all that came from, but ok. Makes little difference to me if you're SM, 2BSM or forever resident adult female of the home. I do think there is a huge differences though between say a GF newly on scene or long steady but not actually living in home with BF and children and an adult actually 'living' it with some say in the home. I'm not real tolerant of like a lady announcing 'me and my bf of six months have 3 skids'. Uh, no, but whatever. Is that ok
I always think it's silly when I hear 'half-sibling', makes imagines of a half a child pop up.
"I do think there is a huge
"I do think there is a huge differences though between say a GF newly on scene or long steady but not actually living in home with BF and children and an adult actually 'living' it with some say in the home. I'm not real tolerant of like a lady announcing 'me and my bf of six months have 3 skids'."
Totally agree.
I can see how it would feel
I can see how it would feel different. Definitely seems more official. "Father's girlfriend" always just sounds so cheesy to me.
We use SO now too. It's
We use SO now too. It's actually more descriptive of the situation. Sometimes we use Domestic Partner. He is actually designated as that at my company and qualifies for benefits (we don't do that though).
Funny, I thought that too. I
Funny, I thought that too. I am very careful to say his name when I do that.
"This is the man with whom I
"This is the man with whom I share expenses and a bed".
I am going to start working on a new title.
I welcome new women on here
I welcome new women on here who are early in the GF stage. I wish I found this site early on too. But I do get irritated when they totally get ahead of themselves and think they should be disciplining skids, calling BM, etc...
As a GF, I wish that I had
As a GF, I wish that I had known about this site early in my relationship. I made so many mistakes, including "trying to help parent" because that's what my BF asked me to do. HUGE MISTAKE! We still don't live together, but his daughter references me as her SM. However, I've learned to tell him my opinion on parenting styles and then leave it to him as to whether he takes it or not.
At least I wasn't stupid enough to think I needed to call and talk to BM...Whew.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments... It is an invisible line to me between "live-in girlfriend" and wife,... the only difference I can see in my situation is the piece of paper. We are living like husband and wife now, just without that official legal bond.
No it is me you are thinking
No it is me you are thinking of.
I don't see a difference in wheat I do besides the piece of paper,... which is why I have been wondering what's dragging his feet...
I know other people see a difference, but the only difference I see is the legal side.
Legally this being my house too, legally being able to make medical decisions for him if he was in an accident,... it's that stuff that I see a difference in.
My marriage problem thing with my boyfriend is that he is talking a big talk, but when it comes down to walking the walk- he just has not done it.
It's been over a month since the last "well I was going to propose, but this came up" -I posted on that too, but we are going to group counseling now,... so I'll see how that goes,...
I do everything a wife and step mother would, and I love him and want to be with him,...
I think I'm a little
I think I'm a little confused. You say that it's only an invisible line between live in and wife, and you say it's just a piece of paper.
But I've read some of your blogs where you've expressed a deep desire to be married, and for whatever reason...your BF is just stringing you along. So, it sounds to me like the "piece of paper" is much more than just that...to both of you.
For me, being married is significantly different from being a live in. It is different in almost every way. I truly don't understand when people downplay the legitimacy of marriage, but I suppose...to each their own.
All I can really say is that marriage is very, very different than a live in situation to me.
Not exactly true... and I'll
Not exactly true...
and I'll provide two examples.
1. FAFSA filing for college. If a child lives with their bio and a stepparent, the stepparent's income/assets are required on the FAFSA.
2. Often, and it was in my experience, I was welcomed into mediation with DH throughout the court battles. Previous to our marriage, as "just the girlfriend," I was told not to attend. (I made the embarrassing mistake of attending with him as support to him, and was asked to wait outside.)
I'm sure there are additional examples, but I just wanted to provide some indication that being a WIFE vs a LIVE IN can be a legal difference.
Dtzy, I didn't say that
Dtzy, I didn't say that parents are REQUIRED to provide info for the FAFSA.
I tried to communicate that if kid files a FAFSA and lives with a stepparent, that stepparent is LEGALLY REQUIRED to provide their financial info.
A "live in" would not have such a requirement. Legally, speaking.
Another example, a stepparent can LEGALLY include a stepchild as a dependent. In no way can a "live in" do so. For example, I claimed SD as a dependent on my income taxes because I was her legal stepparent. If I was simply dating her father/sharing a bed, I would not legally have been allowed to so do.
ROTFLMAO!!!! You can claim
ROTFLMAO!!!! You can claim any child on your taxes if you provide more than 50% of their support. (It works for adults as well, be prepared to prove it)
I lived with my parents rent free at one point and I still qualified for the maximum amount allowed when I did my FAFSA and I never put down my parents or stepparents financials. Wasn't necessary.
No, you cannot claim "any"
No, you cannot claim "any" child.
There are tests...age, relationship, residency, support, and joint return. All tests must be met.
Here is the info on relationship...please tell me which one of these a "live in's kid" qualifies under:
Relationship Test
To meet this test, a child must be:
Your son, daughter, stepchild, foster child,
or a descendant (for example, your grandchild)
of any of them, or
Your brother, sister, half brother, half sister,
stepbrother, stepsister, or a descendant
(for example, your niece or nephew) of
any of them.
On the FAFSA, if you are under 24 and don't meet "independent" rules, and you file the FAFSA, you must include parental info. There are exceptions for independent students, however.
See: http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p501.pdf
Damn this chick just likes to
Damn this chick just likes to argue and show off her lack of knowledge. You can claim anyone as a dependant that you provide over 50% of the support for. BE PREPARED TO PROVE THAT YOU DO PROVIDE THAT 50%. HOW MUCH MORE CLEARLY DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU???
SIGH! DTZY I need a drink after dealing with this much know it all from a know nothing, I will call you when my flight arrives and we go straight to the bar from the airport.
I'm not a chick... and I
I'm not a chick... and I asked you to explain to me, since I clearly don't know, how you can claim "anyone" as a dependent when there is a RELATIONSHIP TEST a dependent must meet before being claimed as a dependent.
That's a very reasonable question.
I'm not trying to generate
I'm not trying to generate drama at all. I'm not trying to be smarter than anyone.
I truly have been through the FAFSA thing numerous times and I have only been given information that is contrary to what you are now saying.
Parents don't need to provide info. I got that. The government also won't provide financial aid if a dependent student doesn't include the info.
I would be really, really interested in knowing where your information is coming from, so that I may verify and use it when we file - again - next year for two kids in college.
BTW, if you don't argue with people who are wrong, do you then argue with those who are right? :?
You can claim a boyfriend or
You can claim a boyfriend or girlfriend as a dependent on your federal income taxes if that person meets the Internal Revenue Service's definition of a "qualifying relative."
Don't get tripped up by the word "relative" here -- according to the IRS, it can include an unrelated person who passes the four following tests concerning residency, income, support and status.
Is your partner an official resident?
Your boyfriend or girlfriend must be a member of your household, meaning that he or she lived with you for the entire calendar year.
The law makes exceptions for temporary absences, such as vacations and medical treatment, but your home must have been that person's official residence for the full year.
However, if your living situation violates local law, you cannot claim that individual as a dependent. In some states, "cohabitation" by unmarried people is against the law.
How much does your partner earn?
If your boyfriend or girlfriend has gross income above a certain amount, you cannot claim that person as a dependent.
Gross income is any income from any source that's subject to tax, whether it's wages, interest on a bank account or other types of taxable income. The limit for gross income limit varies from year to year; for the 2012 tax year, the income limit was $3,800.
Also, you cannot generally claim a married person as a dependent if they file a joint return with their spouse.
How much money do you spend on your partner?
You must have paid more than half of your partner’s living expenses during the calendar year for which you want to claim that person as a dependent.
When calculating the total amount of support, you must include not only money received from you and other people but also from the individual’s own funds. In other words, if your partner took money from a savings account to pay for food, housing or other living expenses, and the total amount withdrawn is more than half of the person's living expenses, you cannot claim that individual as a dependent.
Online help
The IRS website offers an online "assistant" that can help you determine whether your boyfriend or girlfriend qualifies as a dependent.
Of course, if you prepare your taxes with TurboTax, we'll ask simple questions about your living situation, and tell you exactly who can be claimed as your dependent.
The above was found with a simple Google search. Good luck!
If you use the FAFSA, then
If you use the FAFSA, then it's required.
Then please show me where it
Then please show me where it states that a child, under the age of 24, and not meeting the "independent student" rules can file a FAFSA with their financial information only.
I'd really like to know, and am totally willing to admit I'm wrong, if you can show me. I've done my FAFSAs, my DH's, my stepkid's and my own kid's... and it would be *truly* helpful if the kids could fill them out with their info only.
I'm all ears. Or eyes, as the case may be. Very interested in this one!
You are completely correct.
You are completely correct.
ETA: This was in reply to Ditzy's post about the financial aid info. Ditzy is right!
Why then refer to him as
Why then refer to him as "DH?"
Just wondering... I don't actually care what you call him.
Oh, I figured that's why
Oh, I figured that's why people use "SO."
There are some major
There are some major differences, but I don't any of them invalidate your point of view or any advice you would give.
As a non-residential
As a non-residential girlfriend, I can see how it can be extremely annoying to those living the steplife when a girlfriend comes on here and has a know-it-all attitude. I've read those posts too and find them frustrating. But to turn that frustration into a prevailing attitude of a girlfriend not deserving advice because she hasn't "lived it" is frustrating for someone like me.
I'm here because I recognize there are issues with my SO and his kids that make me uncomfortable. I'm trying to learn as much as I can to see if this is the life for me and I really appreciate the opinions of those who have dealt with similar issues for years. I don't have any peers to turn to for advice, because I don't personally know anyone in a similar situation. So reading posts here and occasionally commenting has been really helpful for me.
I don't live with my SO and his kids, and as things are right now, I won't be doing that anytime soon. He and I are in therapy together because we've realized that we love each other deeply and we're really quite happy aside from all things exW/BM. She tries to keep my SO in a husbandly role and puts the kids in the middle if he demonstrates independence from her, which he is slowly starting to do. He struggles breaking free because of the lessons he learned as a child. And because he only started laying boundaries when things got serious with me, I'm getting the blame from BM and the kids. It's maddening, and I long for understanding.
Just this past weekend his normally sweet daughter started trying to alienate me by talking about his wedding to BM in front of me. I'm still sad about it so I find myself coming here to read the posts of people who get what that feels like. What do I do? Do I ask him to please speak up when she tries something similar? Do I make a joke and tell her that I don't want to hear about it? I'm here reading because I'm trying to figure out how to handle it.
So am I less deserving of advice from those who have experienced steplife because I'm doing my research and trying to ward off problems before combining my life with my SO? Would I be more deserving of advice if I buried my head in the sand about what seem to be very common problems discussed on here and jumped in with both feet so that I can join the ranks?
I think many people here are very kind, but I do sometimes see a disenfranchising attitude toward a group of people because they are different. I'm already struggling with a lot of rejecting feelings that I have little support for in real life, and it's disheartening to read things on here - the place I feel understood! - that are similarly rejecting.
My whole press for marriage
My whole press for marriage was that my boyfriend mentioned it first, that he wanted it. Then is dragging it on.
He has talked a big talk about it, everything he wants and asking what I want. But then nothing,... It's been two years almost since he first brought it up, almost a year since he bought the ring,...
My wanting marriage is frustration about my boyfriend.
So, my whole point is, I'm doing everything a SM would without the title,...without the respect of the school/teachers/others who say I am just a "girlfriend"
If I'm doing everything, I want the title, I think it will make things easier and people(not just people on here, I'm talking people in my every day interactions) will take me a little more seriously. It's a title, a piece of paper, but it does not change the role I'm filling, only puts a label on it that society sees differently....