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I Wish I Could Leave this Marriage

momof5_1969's picture

Submitted by momof5_1969 on Tue, 07/16/2013 - 9:51pm

If anybody knows me, they know my story. 4 skids (SD18, SS20, SS23, SD24) -- it just never gets better. Thankfully they have all moved out of the house, but I still have to deal with them periodically because of weddings, baby, birthdays, etc. I already posted tonight that my SD18 wants to come for a visit, and I told DH no -- I do not want her here, at all.

I just don't see this ever getting better. At least with them out of the house, it's a little bit better, but I have an autoimmune condition, and stress triggers flare ups. I am dealing with a flare up at the moment. I had SS23's wedding, stress from all the family stuff I had to deal with, and then starting a new job. I think I probably would have been alright had I not had to deal with all the family junk.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like all we do is fight about his stupid kids. They are jerks.

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 2:49am

If you have just started a new job, it's a stressful time for you anyway. Added to this the stress of SD's proposed visit and other stuff, it's not surprising your condition has flared. I would suggest you don't do anything till the dust settles a little. It's a mistake to make big decisions at a time of maximum stress.

sterlingsilver's picture

Submitted by sterlingsilver on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 8:15am

I would say take a back seat for awhile. Create an oasis in your bedroom or in your yard where you can escape to in times of crisis when the skids are over or other family events are demanding you, just tell DH - your kid your problem. For weddings and parties, just show up, don't do anything. Start just being the wall flower so to speak and enjoy the food and leave. If they come to your house, show the the kitchen and then say you have to go for a few hours and go to your oasis without telling anyone where you went. My sd27 and sgs7months are coming over this weekend for 2 days, I work both days from 6am until 7pm and I am not taking time off, I am letting dh entertain them and take care of the meals, etc. I love that lil guy but when she is over it is AAALLLL about her and her drama and this visit I have the wonderful excuse of having to work! She also has an enormous pit bull dog and now we have our enormous bull mastiff so the dogs are all going to be running around and it is just something I cannot handle. It literally sets me over the edge of sanity when she comes over. In the past I have holed up in my room, she's asked DH what's with sterling? and he says I am not well or something. I feel badly but then when she's gone I clean up the mess, throw away all her crap out of the fridge b/c she always brings a cooler full like she might starve at our house, but then leaves it all behind. (weird) I am compelled to find my quiet zone or I would go nuts.

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Submitted by New second wife... on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 9:01am

As sterling said I would create an oasis somewhere at your home.

Don't commit to anything for his children let your DH do whatever he wants then you can go or stay at home.

If they want to come and visit either go to your oasis or leave and stay with friends/family for a few days. Let your DH handle meals, entertainment, etc while his kids are there.

Weddings, babies and birthdays - go (if you want), don't offer any help, try to have a good time then leave.

I feel for you. I have one skid, I cannot imagine having 4!

If all else fails leave...

nothinforya's picture

Submitted by nothinforya on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 9:34am

My DH recently had to create distance from his extended family's expectations of him by invoking his health issues. He had to say that he needed to focus on his diet to stave off diabetes, and his weight for the same reason and to get heart-healthier. Also to keep up the abstinence from smoking, he needed to focus on himself. The stress of trying to fix all their problems was killing him. They didn't want him to DIE, did they???? It helped immensely. So try the same thing for yourself. If you have an illness exacerbated by stress it is a HEALTH ISSUE to avoid stress, and the family has to respect that, or they are TRYING TO KILL YOU. It is that serious. Make sure they know it.

momof5_1969's picture

Submitted by momof5_1969 on Wed, 07/17/2013 - 11:08pm

I'll try to answer everyone Smile Financially I am not in a position to move out -- I work part-time, plus I am unable to work full-time because of my illness, which is triggered sometimes by stress.

I like the idea of an oasis. I have done that before -- gone to a friend's house, my parent's house, etc., to get away from the nightmare skids. I do think they are trying to either kill me or split us up.

SD18 told DH that he needed to apologize to her! I asked him for what? And he says "I don't care what it is" "I just did it." Whatever. I am not apologizing to that ungrateful, spoiled, little bitch. I have nothing to apologize for! I am so tired of all of them.

SD24 and SS23 have birthdays right by each other this week -- SS23's is this weekend, and wanted to come over to our house and have us all celebrate both their birthdays, and for me to cook dinner! ha! Nothing like inviting yourself over and making me cook! Thankfully I'm going to be out of town with my daughter for the weekend at a concert and staying at hotel! haha! And they all know about it -- even better! I don't care if they know! They are all jerks -- so why would I invite them to do something like that?? Maybe they should take some lessons from my daughter on how to be a human being.

So now they are doing the birthday celebrations at SS23's house now. SS23 wants me to drive over so we can all be one big happy family -- after I drive back from the concert -- he lives an hour away from us. I'm not doing it. Sorry. I have the most hope for him -- it's his brother and sisters that I don't want to be around.

I think it's a good idea for me to wait until the dust settles. I can't do anything right now anyways. I need to tell DH just to keep them away from me -- he can visit them when he wants, but I am not going to be around.