I found this site because I wondered if there were other SM like me that had blended family issues. What I've learned is a lot about myself and it's only been a few days! I grew up with a SM who was absolutely amazing! She treated me like her own and still did after she had my half brother. I was 7 and my older brother was 9 when she came into our lives. She didn't have a BM to deal with bc mine had died a few years before. Sometimes I think maybe she had it easier as a SM for that fact, but my bio mom's family was awful to her. My SM always stood her ground though and let me know she and my father were in charge and loved us at the same time. My older bro was terrible to her a lot and I could see how beat down she was but she never "disengaged". Now that he is older they get along great and she is a loving grandma to all our kids (including my skids who love their Nana). What would have happened if she had ignored us completely when we did typical bad kid behavior? What if my Dad hadn't have backed her up and let us treat her badly?
I see all these posts about hating skids and am so sad for them. The truth is that we are the adults! They are a product of how we raise them, Sm, DH and BM's alike. I have complained about my skids before and have to remind myself that while I as a bio mom might think my kids are great that can also be little turds. My DH and I have realized that what angers us most about each others kids is that we arent desensitized to their bad habits like we are to our own. A lot of the bull seems like it could be avoided by how BM and BD treat each other because kids pick up on it. I can see leaving a teen skid be when they are out of control, but an 8yr old?! I also understand that some BM's make life miserable, but can our husbands take some blame? I deal with a control freak BM but also see how stubborn my DH is which just adds fuel to her fire. A lot of the skids bad behavior are bad traits in their parents as well. How is it my ss6 fault that his parents example has been to never back down or that BM has told him I'm not his parent? Of course he is going to.act out! I came into this relationship knowing I was going to be a SM and when it gets rough I need to remind myself that these are just kids. Kids who probably miss mommy and daddy together and need to know I am there to be a good part of their lives not replace mommy. That part is up to me as a SM. Our future relationship will depend on how I treat them not how they treated me at 6 not knowing what true consequences it would bring.
I guess it scared me seeing some of my own thoughts in these posts and made me think. I want to be a SM like mine and do take responsibility for my skids because I married inti their family. I would like to point out also that it is a daily battle with myself because I am not perfect and screw up. Thank you to the SM's who have shared love and wisdom. It does get through to those of us who care.