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OT Don't know what to do about F?DH

SadStep77's picture

Submitted by SadStep77 on Mon, 05/27/2013 - 5:08pm

This is not step related. It is relationship related and I really feel like I am going insane. Maybe somebody can tell me to relax.

I am a snooper. I admit it. FDH HATES it. He says it is controlling. My ex husband cheated on me badly, so yes, I am carrying that baggage around. Lately, FDH has not been coming home. One to two nights a week, he goes to a friends house or is working late. Sometimes until 9:30 or 11:00 he gets home. I told him I need to feel important to. I don't want to be home taking care of both our sons and having them ask when he is going to be home... And the only answer I can give is I don't know.

FDH is self employed. He is finally working a lot. But he is gone all the time and I am starting to feel weird. He has a pass code on his phone. He flipped his shit when I looked at his bank statement. He told me I was way to controlling with the money and he needed to have his own life. He doesn't want me in his business, at all.

He got a random text from a female's name on his phone. It said "come see me, I'll be prancing around Friday, Saturday, and Sunday". The next text said, " NM I'm too tired"

I couldn't get an answer out of him. He finally said it was a stripper he had looked up for his son's bachelor party from over a year ago. He said she just must have him on a text list. I was suspicious so I checked the phone records. There was a whole text conversation that happened between the two of them. He finally told me he was arranging for a surprise for one of his employees for his birthday, and didn't want to tell me because he knew I wouldn't approve. He then told me that he couldn't stand being with me when I go looking for stuff to catch him in. He wants to go get his own phone plan.

I am a snooper. I do look for stuff. Call it a defense mechanism. He swears up and down that he doesnt even have the time for any other woman and that he loves me dearly. He has done some super nice things for me lately, after I asked him to show me a little more attention. He says to me that he can't be with me if I keep snooping.

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I can stop. Are we doomed?

Comments

realitycheckmom's picture

Submitted by realitycheckmom on Mon, 05/27/2013 - 5:21pm

Ummm I would not be buying his excuse. I am sure if you texted the stripper back pretending to be your FDH you would find out that things are not as he says.

It's really hard to break out of the baggage of being with a cheater but you have been through it so it is pretty obvious when it's happening.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Mon, 05/27/2013 - 5:47pm

OK on some planet his story may be feasible. But this is why it doesn't wash with me... He pushes the blame back on you... YOU are snooping. YOU wouldn't approve. You YOU YOU!

At no time does he say he was out of line and so sorry and in future this will never happen again. He has something to hide and makes out that you have the problem. The 'future' part of his title would be on hold for some time. I can go through my DHs phone at any time. I can check up on him at anytime. My dependency on doing so has reduced over time and I feel more relaxed even though we have been married for nearly 9 yrs. Yes, it takes time to get over stuff.A long time.

I always have a Plan B. Which means "How would I cope on my own?" In my case DH has a heart condition that plays up every few years and he ends up in hospital. Then I am responsible for everything for a week or so. Every woman needs to be prepared to be alone for some period of time in her life be it days, weeks, months or years.

So work on your Plan B and remind him that by acting suspicious it make him untrustworthy. HE lied to you. HE sneaked around behind your back. HE had a strippers phone number in his phone form a year ago. SO tell me why would a stripper keep every guys phone number in her phone on the off chance he MIGHT put some work her way in the unforseen future? I don't even think Realtors are THAT good!

HadEnoughx5's picture

Submitted by HadEnoughx5 on Mon, 05/27/2013 - 5:53pm

If it looks like duck, waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's a duck.

I was cheated on too by my first husband and I too was the scape goat. My DH knows I was cheated on and he was also cheated on by Swamp Hole. DH owns his business and is busy, but I can stop in anytime and I will find him there. I know his password to his phone because he has nothing to hide.

The fact that he is out at friends house once to twice a week, would bother me. If he is so busy with his business, how does he have time to be with his friends twice a week? He telling you he doesn't know if he can be with you if you keep snooping, translation...."SadStep77 you're starting to cramp my freedom and figuring me out. So if I scare you into thinking I'm going to leave, maybe I can keep my game on for a little longer". In other words...have his cake and eat it too.

When push came to shove over years of him denying his infidelity, my x put the threat out to me that I couldn't survive without him and that I wouldn't be able to get a dime out of him. I filed for divorce, I did get CS and alimony and I survived Blum 3

snowdrop's picture

Submitted by snowdrop on Mon, 05/27/2013 - 6:07pm

YOU'RE NOT CRAZY!!!! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! Don't let him convince you that there is something wrong with you. He's trying to distract you from his lies!!!!

I was cheated on in the past pretty badly too (prior to DH. And then I found that DH had been dishonest to me early on in our relationship and had ongoing flirtations with other women.) Guess what, I'm now a snoop too. Guess what DH does? He allows me access to his phone, his email, to everything basically-- whenever I want or need to look. Does DH *like* that I snoop? Not exactly. But he loves and respects me and what I need. I need to look sometimes.

Your DH is messing with your head, he's not respecting your needs and he's lying to you.

Ps. you say that you're a snoop like it's a bad thing, or like you're just going "looking for problems" well I don't see it that way. I think you probably have a strong intuition and would not want or need to look if you didn't feel that something was "off" with him or with your relationship with him...

Jellybeam's picture

Submitted by Jellybeam on Mon, 05/27/2013 - 6:34pm

If that was my FDH, he would be doing without sex from me. A stripper? Really? CRAWLING WITH DISEASE probably, and some of that sh*t will KILL YOU!!!!

Time to leave.

SadStep77's picture

Submitted by SadStep77 on Mon, 05/27/2013 - 6:42pm

Thanks, guys. I have really felt like I'm going insane. I guess I just have to decide if I'm willing to live like this or move on. I have one more year left of my BA. We were going to move, but now his son has so many mental issues that FDH has refused to move with me.

I know something is going on. I'm not sure what. I don't think it's another woman, but it could be gambling, strip club, or something else.

Anne Boleyn's picture

Submitted by Anne Boleyn on Mon, 05/27/2013 - 7:31pm

AND, and, and....you are effing taking care of HIS kid while he does this?????

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 05/28/2013 - 8:20am

I know something is going on. I'm not sure what. I don't think it's another woman, but it could be gambling, strip club, or something else.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What?! You just caught him lying to you about another woman yet you think it is not another woman? IMHO...he is cheating or on the verge. Do you really want to make him a DH?

nothinforya's picture

Submitted by nothinforya on Tue, 05/28/2013 - 9:30am

When you are with a trustworthy man, you won't feel the compulsion to snoop. The only reason you have been feeling the need to snoop is because your gut knows he can't be trusted. Pay attention to what your gut is trying to tell you. That is what matters, not his lame excuses and lies.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Tue, 05/28/2013 - 4:21pm

He's lying. And even if he wasn't, ANY guy worth ANYTHING would be sympathetic to your past baggage (as you are HIS walking, talking baggage!) and NOT do anything that might cause you pain.