feeling guilty...
one week since the court transfer of residency to my DH. and one week since BM's blow up. Bm took her still hasnt returned her to us. I want to walk away from sd14 and say fuck it so bad. but I feel guilty. i know she will go back to the trash her bm lives in and get back into trouble. DH talked to his kid last night and told her to decide where to live and call him tonight. i cant help but feel so angry at him. i dont know why, i know many of you would love to be able to just walk away from the stepdevilkids, but i feel so guilty, i know she is going to end up trash like her mother and she was doing so well with us. I feel like i want to reach out to sd14, but i know i shouldnt. or should i?
- having a smoke on the patio's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Don't. Let your DH take the
Don't. Let your DH take the lead. You can feel guilty about having thoughts you really don't want to have, but don't feel guilty for everything that is happening with SD--the only people who SHOULD feel guilty is her parents, who did a bang up job on raising her.
Hi Smoke, Rule #2 is the big
Hi Smoke,
Rule #2 is the big one I need to remember, and maybe you too. As much as I despise my SS, I feel bad that he has so many problems (which were most likely caused by negelct by BM while he was young, according to doc), which makes me feel guilty and ugly for wanting him out of my life and away from his younger half-siblings forever. But dammit, how much am I supposed to take? Who stands up for the greater good, I mean why should everyone else suffer while the problem child takes all the parents' best away from the rest of the family and doesn't give a shit or try to improve in any way? SS15 life must be managed from wake-up to bedtime or he doesn't function, and he has no desire to live any other way. I know he doesn't have a chance if he, like your SD, moves back in with his BM and lives the easy life. But he's sucking the life out of our house, and the docs have said there is virtually no hope he will ever change. Some kids really can't be controlled--when they know that other option of the easy road is out there, they have no desire to do the work to become better.
Unless you really think your SD will listen, I wouldn't waste my time trying to talk to her. The thought crosses my mind from time to time with SS15 to try to talk sense to him, but A) his father does on a weekly basis and it's in one ear and out the other, and
he doesn't give a shit about me or my thoughts--he's made this very clear over the past 10 years he's been in my life.
I know your struggle, and I wish you all the strength you need and smiles you can find. Don't let her play you, and stay strong.
Thank you Lumidare, what you
Thank you Lumidare, what you are saying and describing makes sense. my DH wants to walk away from his daughter because he knows the drama she and her BM will continue to bring into his life and he wants us to focus on my young biokids. but I know in the back of my mind when his daughter shows up preggo, raped, strung missing or dead even, i will feel like its my fault, like we should of fought harder for her. he talked to her last night and she doesnt want to live with us. she told him that she wants to do whatever she wants, she wants to get high and not do homework and hang out with her boyfriends. so that is it i guess. the other shoe has dropped and i guess we can be free of them...
Sorry Smoke - I have no other
Sorry Smoke - I have no other advice to give. Scubed and not2sure said it all.
Good luck and stop feeling so guilty. Not your problem honey!
i've read this disengaging
i've read this disengaging article and it was a lightbulb going off. makes perfect sense... re-reading it again has eased off the guilt i feel, thank you everyone...
(No subject)
I have to say I understand
I have to say I understand the disengageing. But theres no way in hell I would give up trying to make a life better for a child especially at that age. This is the age where kids want someone to tell them no and make rules. Even if they hate you for in now they will love you for it later, when they get older and realize you were the only one trying. It is alot to deal with a conformational teenager I raised 2 biogirls and its hard and will be even harder as a stepparent. If your the type thats wants DH to handle everything disengage. If DH listen to you and ya'll can work together get in there and help SD before its to later. I wish you the best of luck. Parenting step or not is a hard job.
kilgore: part of the problem
kilgore: part of the problem is that my DH is letting the sd14 decide. basically she can live with us having discipline, rules, and well gee: basic good standards of life. or at her moms where she can screw her boyfriend, post porn on the internet and smoke pot. what do you think she will choose? and in the end, she still blames him for the break up of her parents and she will continue to blame him for "not getting her back" as her life goes to shit over and over again. its not fair to see my dh hurt from this. but he thinks its right to let her decide. is he? at what point or age do you give it over to the skids?
A HUGE part of the issue is
A HUGE part of the issue is letting a CHILD decide what is going to happen in ADULT'S lives. That is a major issue. Of course the child is going to think she is on even footing with the ADULTS.
^^^Our situation exactly
^^^Our situation exactly which is why Stepdevil14 now lives with BM full time and has been estranged from her dad for months.
Your DH is wrong. DH should
Your DH is wrong. DH should not let SD make a adult decision like that. As a parent until that child is 18 and can move out on their on he should do everything in his power to make sd follow rules. Sd is still a child and of course she is going to choose the easy route what kids wouldn't. Yes SD is going to be mad and make DH life and yours probably miserable. What chance does she have to be a good person if no one cares enough to try? Why would Dh send her into or let SD choose to go back into a life were she can smoke pot, screw her boyfriend and be like her BM? I know the answer to that its because he has given up on sd and is just to lazy as a parent to follow this to the end. Tell him to man up he needs to be strong for his daughter he needs to enforce rules and boundries. He is the only chance she has. Would you send your child to live with a parnet that let them do those things. I know I wouldn't bio or step. Not meant to offend you in any way just stating how I feel. I know alot of the sm have no control over what their DH do.
kilgore, i cannot be offended
kilgore, i cannot be offended by hearing the truth. i completely agree with you, as confusing as it sounds. as much as i want her gone from our life, i dont want to walk away from her, i feel guilty, i couldnt let this happen to my own kids, i would fight. but the shit that his ex and daughter have already put him through has spent him out. i know that is not en excuse but i have seen the stuff that bm pulls and sd. but i am trying to disengage and make this his battle not mine. he has to stand up for her and battle on his own. i am not even married to him yet. all i can do is wait for the next step from him.
kilgore - another comment
kilgore - another comment from me about your last post...so what do i do? do i persuade him to go after her? do i push this? or let him make the decisions? what role should i play in this? what do you think?