It's SS7's birthday today...
Seven years ago my SO and BM celebrated bringing a new life into the world together. Being a midwife, I see this happen every day and while it's a wonderful thing and all that, the thought of him and BM cradling their newborn baby and being all happy and loved up goes through me like a knife. Seven years isn't that long ago. And now he's off to BM's house to visit his ex-wife and the kids, eat cake that BM made and generally have a good old time with his old family. Not that I'd want to be there with them, and since it's a school night it's not like SS could have come over here to celebrate. But I'm just so bloody jealous!
I guess the real issue is that BM was once his wife, and she gave him his kids. Having gone through a divorce, he's now saying that he doesn't ever want to get married again. And having had a vasectomy after SS's birth, the chances of having a child with him are pretty slim. So there's two things that he gave BM that he'll probably never give me. Not that I had my heart set on getting married - it's just not that big a deal in my opinion, divorce is so easy these days - but the knowledge that he was willing to marry her but not me brings out the green monster in me.
I like the skids, especially SS. But on days like these, I still can't help wishing that they were never born. Horrible as that sounds. 
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Comments
Wow. I will Never understand
Wow. I will Never understand this "let's play happy family" at one house or the other. If DH ever told me he was going to BM for Any reason, him her and SD as a family celebration, I'd tell him to not bother coming home.
Why Couldn't SS come over to celebrate? Why couldn't SO take him for an ice cream or, wild idea, wait until the weekend and celebrate with him then? I'd be looking at him and asking him why the hell he bothered to get divorced if he's going to keep pretending they're all one happy family.
I wouldn't be jealous, I'd be freaking livid. I personally find this kind of behavior disrespectful to you and your relationship. There's also the whole tidbit of giving the kids the wrong idea about mom and dad.
People can be
People can be divorced.
People can be happy and divorced.
People can be divorced and still consider each other family.
OP is choosing to be in a relationship with someone who will never be HER family if they do not get married. Does that then mean that if they somehow have a child together, they are not family because they are not married.
OP knows the situation and admits she is jealous about it. Jealousy is something we all have to deal with in dealing with someone with a family.
And perhaps if OP was married
And perhaps if OP was married to her bf that she would be invited also - and maybe she was invited.
... just a few thoughts from the other side.
It was a slightly tongue in
It was a slightly tongue in cheek comment. If you can't "consider" your child's mother family...
I agree with Aeron and Echo
I agree with Aeron and Echo above - there's no way in HELL my DH would be playing "happy family" with BM and SD. Matter of fact, he tried this ONCE with me having a "family" meeting with the three of them. That was the ONLY time I ever told him I'd walk away from the relationship. Their "family" is no longer. NO reason for them all to be together to celebrate.
I don't find it strange that
I don't find it strange that SO went to BM's house to celebrate SS's birthday actually. My brother has a different father from me, and when his father split up with my mom he would still come to our house to celebrate our birthdays. Even after he got remarried and had kids with his new wife. Sometimes his new wife would even come along with their kids. So in that respect I don't think there's anything wrong with showing the skids that even if their parents aren't together anymore, at least they can still be friendly around each other.
Also, I don't think SO would take kindly to me trying to tell him he's not allowed to socialize with somebody. Even if that somebody is his ex-wife. Just like he doesn't try to tell me who I am and am not allowed to see (including my ex). I rather think that if I tried to tell him he can't go to BM's house for things like birthdays, it would be SO showing me the door!
There's a HUGE difference
There's a HUGE difference between showing kids that their parents can "at least still be friendly around each other" and hanging out together.
^^^ This. I agree with all that Echo said.
I'm a bit torn on this
I'm a bit torn on this topic...
Think if I were with any other guy, he would be so gone from my life. It use to irritate me when my DH was over at his ex's until I saw his excitement to come home to me..
He hangs his head and he wonders WTF was I thinking hooking up with her to begin with. Definitely a good thing if its him complaining about it but it seems rather inappropriate that he is celebrating over there as a family unit. If I were you, I would put an end to that and be fair to yourself.
Divorce doesn't HAVE to mean
Divorce doesn't HAVE to mean that.
Clearly an unpopular opinion around here, but exes can be friendly and do things with the kids.
^^^^THIS! The exes can still
^^^^THIS! The exes can still be friendly and do things with the kids together? Yeah, ummmm no. I agree 100% with Echo. It sends confusing messages to kids, definitely.
A different perspective here:
When DH and BM split, they told SD14 (then 11) that they'd remain friends, attend her events together, still have bday parties, holidays etc. So, when DH and I got into a serious relationship, SD was floored as to why BM wasn't going to be included in our daily lives, daddy wasn't friends with her anymore, BM wasn't invited to family dinners with DH's dad/grandparents, etc and boy did she take it HARD. It was the beginning of all of our SD nightmarish problems. Even though BM and DH had been apart a year and were divorced roughly a month after he met me, SD just thought they'd get back together eventually because they promised her they'd still behave as family/friends.
They were wrong to promise SD that they'd be something they clearly never intended to be. SD tried to get them back together on several occasions, calling "family" meetings, explaining that they needed to be at the same place, same time, etc. She just couldn't move past the fact that her parents duped her into believing they'd still be one, big happy family!
RedWings, basically same
RedWings, basically same thing happened between DH, BM and SS. They were buddies and carried on like family for 2+ years. Then when I came along and wanted to do my own holidays and traditions as OUR family SS and BM was furious!!!
It was the beginning of 3+ years of fighting for boundaries.
New second wife - it sucks
New second wife - it sucks ass. I mean, DH and BM claimed to SD that they were going to remain friends and still do things together, but it really didn't happen before I came along. DH casually dated a couple of other women before he met me and when I asked SD if DH and BM ever really hung out, she said "No, but they're friends and they will hang out with me whenever I want"...
She was clearly misled.
Kids can be from a divorced
Kids can be from a divorced family and not be from a "broken" home.
The adults can decide that their marriage is not working for whatever reason it may be. They may also have later regretted ending the marriage or they may not. But just because they divorced does not mean that they can not be friendly with their spouse.
For me personally, I was married for just about 10 years and with him for 13. We spent a good portion of our young adult lives together and shared the experience of beginning a family together. I married him because I knew he would be a good father and he was a great person. I still think those things about my ex. He is not my perfect mate or someone that I am attracted to or someone I enjoyed living with. But I still respect him and vice versa. We were always more like siblings than husband and wife.
Even now, he is a part of my family. So is his wife. We spend holidays, birthdays and milestone events together. We all have a focus on our children. My ex has even had SS spend the night over at his house so that he can get to know who OUR children's new sibling is.
I don't LOVE hanging out with my ex and I'm sure my DH, exH and SM don't LOVE it either - but the kids do. We are their family and sometimes its nice to set your own preferences aside to do something nice for your children.
If it works for you, great.
If it works for you, great. But for SD14, it only reinforced her fantasy of her parents reconciling, so in my opinion it was doing more harm than good.
My DD15 and her father and I can all be in the same room together and when I wasn't married, we could have a beer or whatever together but that was before either of us were in relationships with other people.
yes, it worked for us. Our
yes, it worked for us. Our kids were 5, 3 and 2 when we first seperated and we NEVER gave them false hope that we would get back together. Even when we had honest discussions about whether or not we should just do it for the kids and suck it up.
We always let them know that we were divorced. Now, that being said, the only one that truly understood was the 5 year old, but even she didn't really understand.
I think it could have played out quite differently if the kids were older when we split.
Also, before we were involved with other people, he would let me bring the kids to his apartment to take the kids swimming. We'd hang out there till he got home (if it was his day). Of course, I would never imagine doing such a thing once he was involved with someone and NEVER EVER once she moved in.
I'm so sorry for you. It's
I'm so sorry for you. It's sd5 bday on Thursday and I'm pretty much in the same boat. He doesn't want to get married, refuses to have a child with me- despite promising for 2.5 years he would. I hate that 'she' has his only child. It is like a knife I agree. But I couldn't be happy with him going over like that. Poor you
I would lose my mind. They
I would lose my mind. They are ex's for a reason, they also fell in love and had a child for a reason....dangerous territory if you ask me....I would address it with your SO maybe he doesn't realize how hurtful this could be. I also don't think it's horrible to wish your SO didn't have a family with another woman, it forces her to be in your life forever...which sucks.
Thanks for your comments so
Thanks for your comments so far everyone. I have to say I'm surprised that most of you are so against the exes spending time together, even if it is just for the sake of the kids. I agree that I wish it wasn't so, but I also think that in my situation it's a sign of my SO and BM maturing. They weren't on speaking terms when I started dating SO. He would drop the kids off at her house and never even get out the car - they didn't speak a single word to each other for months. So for them to be able to spend time in each other's company and actually parent their children together, I think, is a sign of both of them moving on with their lives. They got divorced, went through a period of hating each other, and are now moving past that.
Then again, it also bugs the hell out of me sometimes because I'm not included in these little meetings. SO currently feels that there's no point in me being actively involved in his kids' lives, so I've stepped back and let him be a father to his kids without getting involved. However, we're soon going to be moving in together and he has acknowledged that things will change then. Mostly, I think, because he hasn't really got any other choice, unless he wants to give up his overnight visitation.
I'd imagine that I'm still not going to be a full on stepmother to these kids. They've got two functioning parents, they don't need a third. So I'm going to take the opportunity to be the 'fun' one. I asked SO about rules for the kids in our house and he insists that the kids will be respectful towards me and our home - he'll make sure of that. That's all I need to know for now. But I am planning on having our own Christmas celebrations. If the skids want to come to ours they will be welcome. But I won't have him spending those kinds of days with BM.
Good luck Catgirl
Good luck Catgirl
Thanks
Thanks