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DH had nerve to gave ME ultimatum!

tiffmomof3's picture

Submitted by tiffmomof3 on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 11:58am

Little background first, 2 weeks after getting married I found out DH had cheated on me with BM! We married in 2009 and I was floored! Here I am, supposed to be enjoying newly wed bliss and I have to deal with this shit... BM was 8 months pregnant at the time I flipped told her fiance, he almost left her BM was pissed at me (for calling her out I suppose) i questioned the paternity of the baby she was carrying. Fast forward a bit I forgave him and the baby got a paternity test and it wasn't my DH kid. So then this troll decides to try and get child support and accuses my DH of abusing his daughter! We fought in court and won proving without a doubt that she falsely accused my DH. she had supervised visitation for a little over a year. Now she is starting to get every other weekend unsupervised. I have been my SD mother this whole time, so I'm obviously pissed at this sorry excuse for a human and I don't see why I should ever forgive her or why I should even have to deal with her. My DH made the mistake of having a child with her and I feel he should be responsible for ALL pick-ups/ drop-offs, If her and I have to be in a room together I avoid her and do not speak to her (why should I?) So my DH tells me last night that If I cant get over my anger then there is no point to us being together! WTF?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If we didn't have a child together (DD is 21 months old) I would have packed my shit right then! We go to therapy on Monday and I will be bringing this up and I suppose we will talk about whether or not it is going to work between us, because there is no way in hell I will EVER forgive or even treat this bitch with any respect she obviously does not deserve!

Comments

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 12:13pm

Your DH is practicing DARVO on you - "deny, attack, reverse victim and offender" by making you the offender and himself the victim. Read more in this article on Denial in Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial

You should not have to be in a room with his ex, nor should you have to be involved in pick ups etc. It is HIS visitation and HIS sole responsibility.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 2:20pm

I always thought this was simply called "Guilt reversal".

I learn something new every day on this site!

lovedbyone72's picture

Submitted by lovedbyone72 on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 12:53pm

Honestly, I have been in a situation similar to yours. I will always have contempt for the other woman, and to this day, I still feel that pain when I see her name, or am reminded of that time in my life. I could kick her ass over and over again, but thinking about that time is honestly just a waste of my time--I'm in a better place today than I was then! Smile I told my SO-I will fogive in my own time, which took a little of a year for me to feel the same way I did prior to the affair. If you are still angry, and punishing him for his actions, then you have to look at yourself. If you can't forgive him, then it's time to move on. Resentment is a bitch, and it hurts a relationship on so many levels.

If you are just being a bitch to his ex/slut/mistress, then that is your GOD given right! Asking you to forgive her---just a load of Bullshit! I do understand that it takes two to tango, but you have to live with your DH every single day. That woman...she can burn in hell. Yes, I've been there, can you tell?

So, if you have forgiven your DH, but treat the BM/SLUT/TRAMP like that POS that she is, tell your DH this:

~I have no reason, or motive to forgive her. You're lucky I forgave you!!!
~She is a constant reminder of your affair! (and yes, say that!!!) It'll hit home fast with the DH.
~All exchanges will be done by YOU, and YOU alone.
~You cheated, and I forgave you (if this is true)---I'm not a saint...I only have so much forgiveness to hand out!
~If you expect any more than this, you really don't understand the impact of YOUR AFFAIR had on me!

If you can remind him that the more you are reminded of his affair, the worse it is for you both.
Out of sight, Out of mind!

Truly, if you do continue to think about this, and let it bother you, it will be the downfall of your relationship, as well as your own sanity. I learned to stop thinking about it so much. It's the most painful thing I think a person can go through, but you can get through it. When I realized that the more I let it be an issue, the more power I gave the Tramp in my situation. She wasn't worth it then, and she's surely not worth it now!

princessmofo's picture

Submitted by princessmofo on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 1:46pm

Two words: f* ck that. He can suck it. He needs to get over it. Not you. And I'm inclined to believe the therapist will agree with you.

hurtandalone's picture

Submitted by hurtandalone on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 1:55pm

Yeah. I get it... it happened to me too. I have been able to sort of forgive my husband (again, sort of, it still hurts when I think about it) and I have no hard feelings for the child (who ironically I am now raising) but I will have nothing to do with her for the rest of my life. Your husband needs to understand the position he put you in, I would tell him to suck it, I never forget.

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 2:27pm

I'm not trying to make you feel like shit here but IMO- you shoulda took your baby and went to a hotel for the night and made him think twice about his ultimatum. I'm sure you love him esp after sticking through all this crap but YOU are the victim here, HE did you WRONG and he's got the nerve to say that?! Oh hell to the NO. Staying together for the kid never works anyway- thats why we are all on steptalk dealing with stepbitches and brats.

I would call and see if you can get into therapy sooner- he's go the nerve to stick up for her??? YOU are supposed to be #1- makes me wonder if he still loves her or has feelings for her :?

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 2:29pm

I can't get past the woman my DH cheated on me with, and she's not even BM! I loathe the thought that this woman still works with DH, and it's been years! I have "forgiven" DH, but when I'm forced to think about that woman, my blood boils.

You absolutely don't need to have ANYTHING to do with BM, especially in your case!!!

prettyinpink's picture

Submitted by prettyinpink on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 2:51pm

So let me get this straight he cheats on u with BM n wants u to forgive her? .. man if i were in ur shoes n the bastard cheated on me with whoever n trys to give me an ultimatum I'd b like PEACE OUT SUCKER!!

tiffmomof3's picture

Submitted by tiffmomof3 on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 3:09pm

It's not even just about the cheating before we married (which if I would have known about BEFORE the wedding there would not have been a wedding!) The creating hurt and still pisses me off but its also the fact that she accused him of abusing his daughter! I know he HAS to be civil but I really don't think I should. This was actually said AFTER our first therapy session, so now I am waiting till the next one to air this out and possibly talk about splitting up if he truly feels I need to forgive her.