Hi steptalkers. I am back on my blog, with the same topic again.
To make it short - my husband wants SDs to be at our home the first week after our baby is born, I do not. He insists, so do I. I don't want them here for many reasons, one of them being that they're absolutely terrible to me, the other that he caters to them all the time and pays no attention to ANYONE when they're around, and there are a few more.
I can take their crap usually, but NOT right after I give birth. I want those days to be happy and filled with joy. I don't want them there to ruin it and I know they will. But I also CAN'T deal with them in the state that I will be in two days after giving birth.
And he should understand that, but he doesn't seem to.
After many solutions suggested (mine were logical and rational, his were in the spirit of "let's not forget the wishes of the precious godesses that rule the universe"), he has a new idea.
He pays them to stay in a hotel that they wanted to visit, for a WEEK. +one friend for each of them.
6 people, 7 days, 0 need. WHY? They have homes. They can stay in them. We can switch dates-BM would accept to give them to us for 2 weeks later in that month, and keep them the week after i give bith.
But, he says that if I don't want them in the house, and if I don't want him to go around town with them, this is the only solution.
Now about this hotel... (My husband refuses to put them in a cheaper hotel - I suggested a 3 star one, he said "Are you joking, wreck? No way that I'd do that...")
Let me just say, this hotel has (included in the room price) free wireless, minibar, hottub in the bathroom, a separate phone line, an answering machine, an air condition, a safe, and 24hour room service - that includes "princess" treatmant from the waitors/maids.
They also have a club that "gives our guests a superior, personalized service, because we value each and every one of you".
It has a pool, a spa, a fitness center, a gym, which they can use with no limits if you pay for it. (Of course, he's going to pay for it)
The hotel has a restaourant, a grill, a tea house, a bar.. and so on. And the prices are cheaper for hotel guests so they could stuff their faces all week.
The hotel is a beautiful palace. I've been there two times, it is a paradise. Seriously, those days I've been careless and truly felt like a princess. Absolutely great hotel, the staff is amazing also.
The price is SICK, but honestly for the service you get, it's understandable.
I want to go to that hotel again, but I don't, because it's really expensive and I don't NEED it right now. (I'll need it, though, if my husband keeps annoying the fuck out of me.. AND HE'LL BE THE ONE PAYING FOR IT!)
But those girls DO NOT deserve this. They treat me like crap, disobey their father all the time, ignore me and him, don't respect any rules, mouth off to him, talk back, insult me, basically they're HORRIBLE. They deserve a punishment, not to be treated like royalty.
I just feel that this is not fair at all.
I do want them out of my way for the week, BUT.. What does this teach them?
That it's alright to treat their father's wife like crap?
That if they demand enough, they will get the sun, moon and stars taken down for them?
That if they manipulate well enough, their father will always fall for their crap?
That he will cave if they are persistent enough?
I just feel that he's awarding their shitty behaviour, instead of punishing it. He's avoiding facing the problem and giving in instead. I don't want him to lash out so much money every time a plan has to be changed - it's a lot, a lot, a lot of money.. And with their behaviour, they should be in their rooms with nothing but a bed and wardrobe and certainly not in a 5 star hotel.
My husband can afford this, it's not going to really damage him, but it's not about money. It's about what's it teaching them, and I really don't agree with this.
He told me to think about it, and I'm thinking. I came to steptalk to ask for advice because I honestly don't know what to tell him.
My reason FOR it is that they will be out of my way and I won't have to deal with them, nor will I have to discuss this crap again.
My reason AGAINST it is that it will teach them that this behaviour is not just okay, but that it's even rewarded. It will teach them that if they refuse to obey or even compromise, they go to a 5 star hotel. It will teach them that they're allowed to walk all over me, and even my husband. And that's not the lesson I want them to learn.
The hotel may be a solution for this problem, BUT..
It's a temporary solution that's gonna cause a permanent problem.
We have a chance to put them in their place, yet we put them in a 5 star hotel..
Yup, have your mom or bff pack a week's worth of baby supplies and go relax at the resort. It sounds like a new mom's dream and it'd be half the price of the 6 girls staying there (Which a LOT of places will not allow if a parent is not with them. In my area you can't even rent a room for anyone under 21 if you aren't their parent and staying there yourself.)
Great! I had the same idea as I was reading OP's post. Definitely pamper yourself, mom and baby at this great hotel. Just agree to let them come to your house, and then leave for the hotel. And OP, will your DH adopt me? I could use a little pampering at a luxury hotel.
Go with the baby to the hotel! I love that idea you'll get pampered and waited on have him hire you a personal ost partum doula too help with the baby. I think after the birth of a baby it is up to mom what she wants whi she wants around while she and baby adjust and bond especially the first week, after a week it really is time to get back to real life but a weeks rest is good. Having help is good. However unless your having a new fangled planned birth or c-sec then maybe you won't have the baby when they are supposed to be around and you won't even have to worry.
No 5 star hotel will allow 6 girls aged 18-12 to stay alone in a hotel. In fact call the hotel and ask them. "My husband wants to book a room for his 3 daughters and 3 of their friend for 1 week. The girls will all be aged between 12-18. What is your policy about this kind of situation?"
BUT point out to your DH you will be hormonal and bleeding and your breasts will be engorged for a week or so. Not to mention the hormone fluctuations. So it would be better for you, baby and your mother to go to the hotel and 'keep out of his way'. Although the chances are he will be with his girls all the time and never drop by and see you.
And maybe point out that you would think his plan was wonderful if only his girls weren't so mean and nasty all the time. Sigh! If only they were more ladylike and less hurtful. Let him know that you would be all for his 'plan' if the guirls were nicer.
And certainly ditch the friends going along as well. What kind of parent lets his/her daughters free run of a hotel for a week? Ah of course. The kind that sees their future in reality TV shows.
He checked, the 18 year old is the adult with them, so it's allowed.
I already pointed out that I don't think it's the right solution considering their behaviour towarods me..
He said "Just think about it."
Of course I don't think their friends should be going! Omg! But he thinks it's OK. And I'm sure their parents do as well because these girls are with SDs all the time and they're at eachother's houses all the time, whenever they feel like it. Another rule that they are breaking!
Hmm. I'll admit right out the gate that I don't get, understand, or agree with your POV regarding this.
Adding children to the family and involves the family. I've never understood "sending away" the other kids when a new kid shows up, be it step or bio.
So, that disclaimer out there... what options have YOU offered as a COMPROMISE? I've read that you don't want them there. Period. Your DH does.
I've read that your DH has offered to "keep them busy" so that they're out of your hair. I've read that he's offered to put them up in a hotel away from you. (I don't understand why you don't like this one. You get what you want...them gone. They sound old enough to be alone, and your DH can afford it. Sounds like a win, win to me, but you're still complaining.)
So, I see your DH trying to make compromises. What I don't see is where you're compromising. Am I missing it? What are you doing to give to meet your DH halfway?
Honestly, I think that being willing to give in a relationship is the key to its success. Sometimes, people are so focused on being RIGHT that they fail to realize they wound up ALONE.
SAF, I think she is feeling overwhelmed. And from her previous posts this band of coven-dwellers are not entirely helpful or even nice to her. And she did agree that they could come for 2 weeks in a row later this month. This is just the first week.
Granted, I agree with you that when you have a baby the baby becomes part of a bigger family and it isn't just you. This takes some adjustment. But bleeding like a stuck pig, huge painful boobs anf milk squirting ut all over the place. Not to mention the tears ... if these girls have not been very nice to her in the past I am sure she wants a few days to get her act together before they make fun of her.
Although it seems that the DH needs to take his daughters to task for picking on her. I once turned on my S/sons when they were being rather mean to their father/DH. I told them in no uncertain terms that their behavior was so far out of line it was drowning and they are not EVER to speak to MY HUSBAND like that again. And maybe if a few more men stood up for "My Wife" and told their kids to knock it off there would be a few more happy 2nd marriages. Nothing annoys me more than men who say "Be nice to your stepmother." How about "Be nice to My Wife or face the consequences." Bloody pussy men!
My comment/advice wa "NOT NICE" to her?
Wow.
Just wow.
I brought up a very good point, imo. Marriage, even having babies, is about compromise. The OP has written ways her DH is trying to compromise, and one of them doesn't even have the girls in their home, and she's still not happy about it. I asked where HER compromise is. That's all.
I've had babies. I even had babies when SD was around. Several of them, in fact. I know what pregnancy, birth, and postpartum is like. I wasn't suggesting she go zip lining on day 1 out of the hospital if it would make the SDs happy. :?
I never said anything was anyone's fault.
What I DID say is to ask what compromise she IS willing/has offered to make.
Marriages, at least mine, are built on compromise. Give and take. Both sides.
I was simply telling the OP that she has written different compromises her DH is willing to make, but I had yet to read of hers.
Stick has made a valid point. The OP has to be willing to give a little. The fact the her husband is willing to keep his girls away for that first week is a huge win for the OP.
Instead of saying no to the full week at the hotel, how about staying with mom during the week. Then let them stay in the hotel over the weekend.
This way the girls are out if your hair for the whole week and DH gets to splurge in them a bit.
>>>The hotel is a beautiful palace. I've been there two times, it is a paradise. Seriously, those days I've been careless and truly felt like a princess. Absolutely great hotel, the staff is amazing also.The price is SICK, but honestly for the service you get, it's understandable.<<<
>>>What do I do?<<<
Oh hell, *I* would stay in the hotel with baby and DH. Dang, a week of that and I wouldn't care where skids ended up staying.
He never puts his down with those girls. NEVER. Whatever they do.
They don't want to see the baby, or pretty every thing up. Pretty much no one could force them to do things for me or my baby.
Which is quite sad, it's their sibling, not just my kid...
They don't want to be a part of the joy, they are jerks
I can't go to mom's, she lives in another country and it would be too much for me to travel there just after I give birth. And I don't think I'm allowed to take a newborn baby that far? Not sure.
Though I'd LOVE to go to my mom's - it's my first home and I'm really comfortable around there. It would be my choice if I could.
Guys, the hotel idea seems great. Although I feel a bit uncomfortable about not bringing my baby home, it was what I wanted, I'm going ask DH to take the girls home and I go to the hotel.
Thank you all so much!
Exactly right. Get a lot of room service. Have a massage. Baby won't know where he/she is, just that mom is relaxed and making plenty of milk. Make SDs wait a long, long time to see the baby. If ever.
Before I had my first baby I had this intense urge to make everything perfect. Unfinished DIY became a source of anger instead of irritation. Dirt and mess infuriated me. Part of that is a biological instinct to nurture and protect the baby. It's hard to rationalise and dismiss, especially when it's your first. Part of it is the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect mothers, especially if we're trying to distinguish ourselves from dreadful BMs.
All in all it's natural to feel the need for space and time to acclimatise to this momentous event. Many of us feel such a loss of control when it comes to our stepchildren, particularly teenage ones, that there's a strong desire to ringfence and keep them out of the equation immediately after the birth. If there's been any conflict with them it can be hard to envisage having them around during a time when you anticipate feeling vulnerable, and not at your best.
In reality what tends to happen is that the first days are actually the calmest with a newborn. They are tired, they sleep a lot, you are recovering and spend time resting. It is the BEST time to have visitors. You feel such elation and love that actually a lot of the stuff you thought would really bother you, seems less important. 3 weeks later, when baby has woken up and is making their presence felt, that is not such a great time.
So, would I want 3 teenagers slobbing around the house for an entire week after the birth. No. That's too long. But making them feel included is a big deal for your husband, and may make a difference to how well your blended family gels with your baby, and that could have an impact on your baby in the future. My advice is to get it over early, when you are high on post-birth elation and baby is peaceful.
My compromise would be to have the teenagers visit for 2 days after the birth. You'll mostly be in bed, recovering and looking after the baby and your DH should be looking after you. That will give you your own space. DH should get them involved in getting the house ready for your return home. Getting them to buy a present and clean up will give them buy-in and demonstrate some thoughtfulness towards you which may make the whole thing easier. Then, because they've been involved early on, and you've taken your husbands feelings on board, there should be no offense in the stepchildren being ushered back to their mothers. Then have them back again for a couple of days a week or so later. DH should much prefer having them at home, but for a short period, than sticking them in a hotel for a week, which seems awkward and risky and won't give them the sense of inclusion he's looking for. I really hope you can agree a compromise, and believe me, the high you get after birth will make up for a lot! I wish you lots of luck.
Wreck, I totally get that the thoughts of those sd's being there right after the birth are stressful.Don't let other people dictate you how you are supposed to feel after giving birth and having a newborn.All you ask for is a short break of all the stress and negativity those girls bring along and put on you.And I think you deserve that very much.
I also totally find that DH's suggestion of putting his kids, who treated you like crap into an outragiously expensive 5 Star hotel.This is totally over the top.
I know this isn't helpful, but I would personally put my foot down rather than compromising.If they would be nice, yes, of course, but under the circumstances I would not like to have them around nor see them being spoiled and over the top princessed.
I think your DH has a huge problem and if he doesn't come up with anything better, yes, please you go to the hotel.I only hope that he will not stay away in order to entertain and spoil the kids at home but instead spends his time with you.
I've already posted, but I want to say something about the hotel idea as it seems to be gaining popularity. I am worried that you are setting yourself up for a huge conflict with your partner on the eve of the birth of your child, if you suggest taking his baby away to a hotel for a week, instead of home with both of you. This should be a time when the two of you are together, enjoying the first days with your beautiful baby. Please don't take yourself and your baby off to a hotel and leave him at home, it could be terribly damaging for you both in terms of bonding as parents, and for him in bonding with his baby. It would probably be much more damaging in terms of causing tension and conflict and ruining your first week with your baby, than having a few teenagers around for a few days.
I know you're stressed and worried, but he is probably feeling that way too, given he's coming up with crazy plans for putting his children in a hotel just so he can have them in the vicinity after the birth. If he's anything like other DH's, he already feels he's had his children from his first marriage taken away from him by PASing and all the other distance that comes with being a divorced Dad. It is highly likely that he would see the hotel plan as you taking his new baby away from him and react in anger and fear to that threat, which would only make you more upset.
You love this man, and he loves you, that's why you're having a child with him, so you should care about his feelings and he about yours. I strongly advise trying to have a conversation where you both air your concerns and try to reach a compromise. And instead of me I me I, use the approach that WE need to work out the best compromise so your children can feel included, but we have some space and time to bond, and so I can recover from the birth. A week is too long. A day is too short. There must be some middle ground that you can agree on. And then you could agree some guidelines for his managing the time they are there, like he intervenes and takes the stepchildren out for an hour if they are being too exhausting or annoying. So he agrees to be the gatekeeper in return for your being open to having them there.
Agree with Disney, I dont care what DH has to do or what he has to spend as long as I wouldnt have to deal with them who the hell cares. This is a win.
And you have seperate finances? bonus.
But my question is how old are the girls (Im not recalling) it sounds like their over 18...if so why are we even entertaining a visitation at all?
Oh, no they don't think of this baby like family, nor do they want to talk about it.. Let alone say that the baby looks like them, since they believe I'm "the most unsightly creature ever" and "the lowest our father could stoop".
They don't want to hold my baby, THANKFULLY! If they did, I'd be terrified at the idea.
They don't want a right to my baby, they don't care about her..
And it did hurt me in the beggining.
Now it doesn't anymore. I just want them to shut their mouths for the week. Or be away.
Yep, he isn't teaching them anything good.. But by paying for a stay in a 5 star hotel, he's teaching them that this all is OK. Which it is NOT!
They don't really care about me calling them out on anything- I used to do that in the beggining. But to them, I am no authority so they don't care.
See, she'd give me the deadliest look ever, I say "Why are you looking at me like that, SD?"
That was with SD14.
She'd reply "Because I can, and you can't do shit about it. If it bothers you, the door is over there."
And then she'd keep staring at me as if she's going to bite my throat.
I'd tell my husband about this, he'd say...
"She was just looking, what's the problem?" :O
I'd say, "The problem is the way she looks at me."
He'd chuckle.."We can't really change that. It's just a look, don't sweat it."
Then they'd not only look at me like that, but they also say crap. i say something to them, they then ramp it up.
They only leave me alone if I get out of their way- but "leaving alone" doesn't include NOT looking at me that way. they keep quiet but stare at mel ike that.
I am momma bear to my baby..
But to them, I'm nothing. They said it themselves.
They don't care, and they don't really have a reason to care, their father does not care so why should they?
Oh they won't be holding my baby.. Not that I'd let them if they wanted to, but they don't want to.
Unfortunately, this seems to be the situation we're stuck in.
I've heard much about adult skids and somehow they always get the preferrential treatmant, even over a kid.
SO annoying.
As someone who has often lived on the road for work (in 5* hotels mostly) I would not go that route. No matter how luxurious they are not really set up for a newborn.
I have not had a child but I have come home from the hospital a few times. Even one time when I was not sick at all but just needed IV antibiotics for 3 days I still was beat when I came home. And that was without a baby or labor.
If he insists on having them there you can insist that they not come near you. And feel free to ream out their little behinds for ANY transgression. Having just had a baby you have permission to yell, scream, curse, etc. - all directed to the skidbrats.
I know they aren't set up for newborns. I wanted to take my baby home, that was my first choice.
I can't feel free to yell scream and curse at them - I mean, I can do that, but they're gonna do it right back at me, and that's really not what I want. It's exactly what I'm trying to avoid here.
I don't think there is a bassinet in the room, but I can bring in.
Skids don't want to see the baby.
I'm afraid that DH will spend his time with them, not baby and me.. But everything is better than having them poke at me.
It sounds like a good solution, though I feel a bit uncomfortable bringing my baby into a hotel before into our home.
Well, it's still better than letting them think they should get awarded for being bitches to me.
OP- I totally get where you are coming from!! If I were expecting, the Last thing Id honestly want to deal with, would be having the skids the first week home from giving birth!!!! Not only because it would be more stress & everything- but Id want some good down time alone with my newborn baby!!!! Thats very important too!!
Perhaps you could come to a compromise, like perhaps the skids could come to the hospitsl-after- the baby is born. That way your DH gets to see the skids & to let them see their new baby brother/sister. Perhaps that could be the day after birth. Then perhaps DH could have the skids come to visit for say 2 or so days on the WeekEnd after y'alll bring baby home. & then have them stay the full week after? That way youd get some time alone with baby & DH Before the skids come to visit for a week.
That would be a good compromise to make. Then hopefully DH would be happy too. I find it rediculous & rather theatric of DH to offer to put skids up in a luxury hotel. Bad bad idea!!! Most places wouldnt allow it anyways!!
But. I agree with you-- you should be able to rest & relax with baby when you first come home!!! Almost ALL new mothers want that & ask for that!!!
Best of luck with the birth of your bundle of joy!!!
Comments
Hi steptalkers. I am back on
Hi steptalkers. I am back on my blog, with the same topic again.
To make it short - my husband wants SDs to be at our home the first week after our baby is born, I do not. He insists, so do I. I don't want them here for many reasons, one of them being that they're absolutely terrible to me, the other that he caters to them all the time and pays no attention to ANYONE when they're around, and there are a few more.
I can take their crap usually, but NOT right after I give birth. I want those days to be happy and filled with joy. I don't want them there to ruin it and I know they will. But I also CAN'T deal with them in the state that I will be in two days after giving birth.
And he should understand that, but he doesn't seem to.
After many solutions suggested (mine were logical and rational, his were in the spirit of "let's not forget the wishes of the precious godesses that rule the universe"), he has a new idea.
He pays them to stay in a hotel that they wanted to visit, for a WEEK. +one friend for each of them.
6 people, 7 days, 0 need. WHY? They have homes. They can stay in them. We can switch dates-BM would accept to give them to us for 2 weeks later in that month, and keep them the week after i give bith.
But, he says that if I don't want them in the house, and if I don't want him to go around town with them, this is the only solution.
Now about this hotel... (My husband refuses to put them in a cheaper hotel - I suggested a 3 star one, he said "Are you joking, wreck? No way that I'd do that...")
Let me just say, this hotel has (included in the room price) free wireless, minibar, hottub in the bathroom, a separate phone line, an answering machine, an air condition, a safe, and 24hour room service - that includes "princess" treatmant from the waitors/maids.
They also have a club that "gives our guests a superior, personalized service, because we value each and every one of you".
It has a pool, a spa, a fitness center, a gym, which they can use with no limits if you pay for it. (Of course, he's going to pay for it)
The hotel has a restaourant, a grill, a tea house, a bar.. and so on. And the prices are cheaper for hotel guests so they could stuff their faces all week.
The hotel is a beautiful palace. I've been there two times, it is a paradise. Seriously, those days I've been careless and truly felt like a princess. Absolutely great hotel, the staff is amazing also.
The price is SICK, but honestly for the service you get, it's understandable.
I want to go to that hotel again, but I don't, because it's really expensive and I don't NEED it right now. (I'll need it, though, if my husband keeps annoying the fuck out of me.. AND HE'LL BE THE ONE PAYING FOR IT!)
But those girls DO NOT deserve this. They treat me like crap, disobey their father all the time, ignore me and him, don't respect any rules, mouth off to him, talk back, insult me, basically they're HORRIBLE. They deserve a punishment, not to be treated like royalty.
I just feel that this is not fair at all.
I do want them out of my way for the week, BUT.. What does this teach them?
That it's alright to treat their father's wife like crap?
That if they demand enough, they will get the sun, moon and stars taken down for them?
That if they manipulate well enough, their father will always fall for their crap?
That he will cave if they are persistent enough?
I just feel that he's awarding their shitty behaviour, instead of punishing it. He's avoiding facing the problem and giving in instead. I don't want him to lash out so much money every time a plan has to be changed - it's a lot, a lot, a lot of money.. And with their behaviour, they should be in their rooms with nothing but a bed and wardrobe and certainly not in a 5 star hotel.
My husband can afford this, it's not going to really damage him, but it's not about money. It's about what's it teaching them, and I really don't agree with this.
He told me to think about it, and I'm thinking. I came to steptalk to ask for advice because I honestly don't know what to tell him.
My reason FOR it is that they will be out of my way and I won't have to deal with them, nor will I have to discuss this crap again.
My reason AGAINST it is that it will teach them that this behaviour is not just okay, but that it's even rewarded. It will teach them that if they refuse to obey or even compromise, they go to a 5 star hotel. It will teach them that they're allowed to walk all over me, and even my husband. And that's not the lesson I want them to learn.
The hotel may be a solution for this problem, BUT..
It's a temporary solution that's gonna cause a permanent problem.
We have a chance to put them in their place, yet we put them in a 5 star hotel..
What do I do? :?
Yup, have your mom or bff
Yup, have your mom or bff pack a week's worth of baby supplies and go relax at the resort. It sounds like a new mom's dream and it'd be half the price of the 6 girls staying there (Which a LOT of places will not allow if a parent is not with them. In my area you can't even rent a room for anyone under 21 if you aren't their parent and staying there yourself.)
Great! I had the same idea as
Great! I had the same idea as I was reading OP's post. Definitely pamper yourself, mom and baby at this great hotel. Just agree to let them come to your house, and then leave for the hotel. And OP, will your DH adopt me? I could use a little pampering at a luxury hotel.
Go with the baby to the
Go with the baby to the hotel! I love that idea you'll get pampered and waited on have him hire you a personal ost partum doula too help with the baby. I think after the birth of a baby it is up to mom what she wants whi she wants around while she and baby adjust and bond especially the first week, after a week it really is time to get back to real life but a weeks rest is good. Having help is good. However unless your having a new fangled planned birth or c-sec then maybe you won't have the baby when they are supposed to be around and you won't even have to worry.
No 5 star hotel will allow 6
No 5 star hotel will allow 6 girls aged 18-12 to stay alone in a hotel. In fact call the hotel and ask them. "My husband wants to book a room for his 3 daughters and 3 of their friend for 1 week. The girls will all be aged between 12-18. What is your policy about this kind of situation?"
BUT point out to your DH you will be hormonal and bleeding and your breasts will be engorged for a week or so. Not to mention the hormone fluctuations. So it would be better for you, baby and your mother to go to the hotel and 'keep out of his way'. Although the chances are he will be with his girls all the time and never drop by and see you.
And maybe point out that you would think his plan was wonderful if only his girls weren't so mean and nasty all the time. Sigh! If only they were more ladylike and less hurtful. Let him know that you would be all for his 'plan' if the guirls were nicer.
And certainly ditch the friends going along as well. What kind of parent lets his/her daughters free run of a hotel for a week? Ah of course. The kind that sees their future in reality TV shows.
He checked, the 18 year old
He checked, the 18 year old is the adult with them, so it's allowed.
I already pointed out that I don't think it's the right solution considering their behaviour towarods me..
He said "Just think about it."
Of course I don't think their friends should be going! Omg! But he thinks it's OK. And I'm sure their parents do as well because these girls are with SDs all the time and they're at eachother's houses all the time, whenever they feel like it. Another rule that they are breaking!
Hmm. I'll admit right out the
Hmm. I'll admit right out the gate that I don't get, understand, or agree with your POV regarding this.
Adding children to the family and involves the family. I've never understood "sending away" the other kids when a new kid shows up, be it step or bio.
So, that disclaimer out there... what options have YOU offered as a COMPROMISE? I've read that you don't want them there. Period. Your DH does.
I've read that your DH has offered to "keep them busy" so that they're out of your hair. I've read that he's offered to put them up in a hotel away from you. (I don't understand why you don't like this one. You get what you want...them gone. They sound old enough to be alone, and your DH can afford it. Sounds like a win, win to me, but you're still complaining.)
So, I see your DH trying to make compromises. What I don't see is where you're compromising. Am I missing it? What are you doing to give to meet your DH halfway?
Honestly, I think that being willing to give in a relationship is the key to its success. Sometimes, people are so focused on being RIGHT that they fail to realize they wound up ALONE.
Good luck with the new baby. Exciting times!
SAF, I think she is feeling
SAF, I think she is feeling overwhelmed. And from her previous posts this band of coven-dwellers are not entirely helpful or even nice to her. And she did agree that they could come for 2 weeks in a row later this month. This is just the first week.
Granted, I agree with you that when you have a baby the baby becomes part of a bigger family and it isn't just you. This takes some adjustment. But bleeding like a stuck pig, huge painful boobs anf milk squirting ut all over the place. Not to mention the tears ... if these girls have not been very nice to her in the past I am sure she wants a few days to get her act together before they make fun of her.
Although it seems that the DH needs to take his daughters to task for picking on her. I once turned on my S/sons when they were being rather mean to their father/DH. I told them in no uncertain terms that their behavior was so far out of line it was drowning and they are not EVER to speak to MY HUSBAND like that again. And maybe if a few more men stood up for "My Wife" and told their kids to knock it off there would be a few more happy 2nd marriages. Nothing annoys me more than men who say "Be nice to your stepmother." How about "Be nice to My Wife or face the consequences." Bloody pussy men!
My comment/advice wa "NOT
My comment/advice wa "NOT NICE" to her?
Wow.
Just wow.
I brought up a very good point, imo. Marriage, even having babies, is about compromise. The OP has written ways her DH is trying to compromise, and one of them doesn't even have the girls in their home, and she's still not happy about it. I asked where HER compromise is. That's all.
I've had babies. I even had babies when SD was around. Several of them, in fact. I know what pregnancy, birth, and postpartum is like. I wasn't suggesting she go zip lining on day 1 out of the hospital if it would make the SDs happy. :?
I'm not demanding that the
I'm not demanding that the house be devoid of ANY other kids, just kids who are bitches to me yet call me one.
He is being an idiot about this, you're right.
I never said anything was
I never said anything was anyone's fault.
What I DID say is to ask what compromise she IS willing/has offered to make.
Marriages, at least mine, are built on compromise. Give and take. Both sides.
I was simply telling the OP that she has written different compromises her DH is willing to make, but I had yet to read of hers.
That was all.
Oh FFS Stick has made a valid
Oh FFS
Stick has made a valid point. The OP has to be willing to give a little. The fact the her husband is willing to keep his girls away for that first week is a huge win for the OP.
Instead of saying no to the full week at the hotel, how about staying with mom during the week. Then let them stay in the hotel over the weekend.
This way the girls are out if your hair for the whole week and DH gets to splurge in them a bit.
LOVE THIS IDEA!
LOVE THIS IDEA!
>>>The hotel is a beautiful
>>>The hotel is a beautiful palace. I've been there two times, it is a paradise. Seriously, those days I've been careless and truly felt like a princess. Absolutely great hotel, the staff is amazing also.The price is SICK, but honestly for the service you get, it's understandable.<<<
>>>What do I do?<<<
Oh hell, *I* would stay in the hotel with baby and DH. Dang, a week of that and I wouldn't care where skids ended up staying.
He never puts his down with
He never puts his down with those girls. NEVER. Whatever they do.
They don't want to see the baby, or pretty every thing up. Pretty much no one could force them to do things for me or my baby.
Which is quite sad, it's their sibling, not just my kid...
They don't want to be a part of the joy, they are jerks
I can't go to mom's, she
I can't go to mom's, she lives in another country and it would be too much for me to travel there just after I give birth. And I don't think I'm allowed to take a newborn baby that far? Not sure.
Though I'd LOVE to go to my mom's - it's my first home and I'm really comfortable around there. It would be my choice if I could.
Guys, the hotel idea seems great. Although I feel a bit uncomfortable about not bringing my baby home, it was what I wanted, I'm going ask DH to take the girls home and I go to the hotel.
Thank you all so much!
Exactly right. Get a lot of
Exactly right. Get a lot of room service. Have a massage. Baby won't know where he/she is, just that mom is relaxed and making plenty of milk. Make SDs wait a long, long time to see the baby. If ever.
Before I had my first baby I
Before I had my first baby I had this intense urge to make everything perfect. Unfinished DIY became a source of anger instead of irritation. Dirt and mess infuriated me. Part of that is a biological instinct to nurture and protect the baby. It's hard to rationalise and dismiss, especially when it's your first. Part of it is the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect mothers, especially if we're trying to distinguish ourselves from dreadful BMs.
All in all it's natural to feel the need for space and time to acclimatise to this momentous event. Many of us feel such a loss of control when it comes to our stepchildren, particularly teenage ones, that there's a strong desire to ringfence and keep them out of the equation immediately after the birth. If there's been any conflict with them it can be hard to envisage having them around during a time when you anticipate feeling vulnerable, and not at your best.
In reality what tends to happen is that the first days are actually the calmest with a newborn. They are tired, they sleep a lot, you are recovering and spend time resting. It is the BEST time to have visitors. You feel such elation and love that actually a lot of the stuff you thought would really bother you, seems less important. 3 weeks later, when baby has woken up and is making their presence felt, that is not such a great time.
So, would I want 3 teenagers slobbing around the house for an entire week after the birth. No. That's too long. But making them feel included is a big deal for your husband, and may make a difference to how well your blended family gels with your baby, and that could have an impact on your baby in the future. My advice is to get it over early, when you are high on post-birth elation and baby is peaceful.
My compromise would be to have the teenagers visit for 2 days after the birth. You'll mostly be in bed, recovering and looking after the baby and your DH should be looking after you. That will give you your own space. DH should get them involved in getting the house ready for your return home. Getting them to buy a present and clean up will give them buy-in and demonstrate some thoughtfulness towards you which may make the whole thing easier. Then, because they've been involved early on, and you've taken your husbands feelings on board, there should be no offense in the stepchildren being ushered back to their mothers. Then have them back again for a couple of days a week or so later. DH should much prefer having them at home, but for a short period, than sticking them in a hotel for a week, which seems awkward and risky and won't give them the sense of inclusion he's looking for. I really hope you can agree a compromise, and believe me, the high you get after birth will make up for a lot! I wish you lots of luck.
Wreck, I totally get that the
Wreck, I totally get that the thoughts of those sd's being there right after the birth are stressful.Don't let other people dictate you how you are supposed to feel after giving birth and having a newborn.All you ask for is a short break of all the stress and negativity those girls bring along and put on you.And I think you deserve that very much.
I also totally find that DH's suggestion of putting his kids, who treated you like crap into an outragiously expensive 5 Star hotel.This is totally over the top.
I know this isn't helpful, but I would personally put my foot down rather than compromising.If they would be nice, yes, of course, but under the circumstances I would not like to have them around nor see them being spoiled and over the top princessed.
I think your DH has a huge problem and if he doesn't come up with anything better, yes, please you go to the hotel.I only hope that he will not stay away in order to entertain and spoil the kids at home but instead spends his time with you.
I've already posted, but I
I've already posted, but I want to say something about the hotel idea as it seems to be gaining popularity. I am worried that you are setting yourself up for a huge conflict with your partner on the eve of the birth of your child, if you suggest taking his baby away to a hotel for a week, instead of home with both of you. This should be a time when the two of you are together, enjoying the first days with your beautiful baby. Please don't take yourself and your baby off to a hotel and leave him at home, it could be terribly damaging for you both in terms of bonding as parents, and for him in bonding with his baby. It would probably be much more damaging in terms of causing tension and conflict and ruining your first week with your baby, than having a few teenagers around for a few days.
I know you're stressed and worried, but he is probably feeling that way too, given he's coming up with crazy plans for putting his children in a hotel just so he can have them in the vicinity after the birth. If he's anything like other DH's, he already feels he's had his children from his first marriage taken away from him by PASing and all the other distance that comes with being a divorced Dad. It is highly likely that he would see the hotel plan as you taking his new baby away from him and react in anger and fear to that threat, which would only make you more upset.
You love this man, and he loves you, that's why you're having a child with him, so you should care about his feelings and he about yours. I strongly advise trying to have a conversation where you both air your concerns and try to reach a compromise. And instead of me I me I, use the approach that WE need to work out the best compromise so your children can feel included, but we have some space and time to bond, and so I can recover from the birth. A week is too long. A day is too short. There must be some middle ground that you can agree on. And then you could agree some guidelines for his managing the time they are there, like he intervenes and takes the stepchildren out for an hour if they are being too exhausting or annoying. So he agrees to be the gatekeeper in return for your being open to having them there.
Agree with Disney, I dont
Agree with Disney, I dont care what DH has to do or what he has to spend as long as I wouldnt have to deal with them who the hell cares. This is a win.
And you have seperate finances? bonus.
But my question is how old are the girls (Im not recalling) it sounds like their over 18...if so why are we even entertaining a visitation at all?
how long does this shit go on?
I only have mom, and she's
I only have mom, and she's coming.
Oh, no they don't think of
Oh, no they don't think of this baby like family, nor do they want to talk about it.. Let alone say that the baby looks like them, since they believe I'm "the most unsightly creature ever" and "the lowest our father could stoop".
They don't want to hold my baby, THANKFULLY! If they did, I'd be terrified at the idea.
They don't want a right to my baby, they don't care about her..
And it did hurt me in the beggining.
Now it doesn't anymore. I just want them to shut their mouths for the week. Or be away.
Yep, he isn't teaching them anything good.. But by paying for a stay in a 5 star hotel, he's teaching them that this all is OK. Which it is NOT!
They don't really care about me calling them out on anything- I used to do that in the beggining. But to them, I am no authority so they don't care.
See, she'd give me the deadliest look ever, I say "Why are you looking at me like that, SD?"
That was with SD14.
She'd reply "Because I can, and you can't do shit about it. If it bothers you, the door is over there."
And then she'd keep staring at me as if she's going to bite my throat.
I'd tell my husband about this, he'd say...
"She was just looking, what's the problem?" :O
I'd say, "The problem is the way she looks at me."
He'd chuckle.."We can't really change that. It's just a look, don't sweat it."
Then they'd not only look at me like that, but they also say crap. i say something to them, they then ramp it up.
They only leave me alone if I get out of their way- but "leaving alone" doesn't include NOT looking at me that way. they keep quiet but stare at mel ike that.
I am momma bear to my baby..
But to them, I'm nothing. They said it themselves.
They don't care, and they don't really have a reason to care, their father does not care so why should they?
Oh they won't be holding my baby.. Not that I'd let them if they wanted to, but they don't want to.
Unfortunately, this seems to
Unfortunately, this seems to be the situation we're stuck in.
I've heard much about adult skids and somehow they always get the preferrential treatmant, even over a kid.
SO annoying.
As someone who has often
As someone who has often lived on the road for work (in 5* hotels mostly) I would not go that route. No matter how luxurious they are not really set up for a newborn.
I have not had a child but I have come home from the hospital a few times. Even one time when I was not sick at all but just needed IV antibiotics for 3 days I still was beat when I came home. And that was without a baby or labor.
If he insists on having them there you can insist that they not come near you. And feel free to ream out their little behinds for ANY transgression. Having just had a baby you have permission to yell, scream, curse, etc. - all directed to the skidbrats.
I know they aren't set up for
I know they aren't set up for newborns. I wanted to take my baby home, that was my first choice.
I can't feel free to yell scream and curse at them - I mean, I can do that, but they're gonna do it right back at me, and that's really not what I want. It's exactly what I'm trying to avoid here.
I don't think there is a
I don't think there is a bassinet in the room, but I can bring in.
Skids don't want to see the baby.
I'm afraid that DH will spend his time with them, not baby and me.. But everything is better than having them poke at me.
It sounds like a good solution, though I feel a bit uncomfortable bringing my baby into a hotel before into our home.
Well, it's still better than letting them think they should get awarded for being bitches to me.
Thank you for support and help!
OP- I totally get where you
OP- I totally get where you are coming from!! If I were expecting, the Last thing Id honestly want to deal with, would be having the skids the first week home from giving birth!!!! Not only because it would be more stress & everything- but Id want some good down time alone with my newborn baby!!!! Thats very important too!!
Perhaps you could come to a compromise, like perhaps the skids could come to the hospitsl-after- the baby is born. That way your DH gets to see the skids & to let them see their new baby brother/sister. Perhaps that could be the day after birth. Then perhaps DH could have the skids come to visit for say 2 or so days on the WeekEnd after y'alll bring baby home. & then have them stay the full week after? That way youd get some time alone with baby & DH Before the skids come to visit for a week.
That would be a good compromise to make. Then hopefully DH would be happy too. I find it rediculous & rather theatric of DH to offer to put skids up in a luxury hotel. Bad bad idea!!! Most places wouldnt allow it anyways!!
But. I agree with you-- you should be able to rest & relax with baby when you first come home!!! Almost ALL new mothers want that & ask for that!!!
Best of luck with the birth of your bundle of joy!!!
They don't want to see the
They don't want to see the baby, so they're not coming to the hospital.
One of them is 18, so the hotel allows it.
Thank you!
Thank you all for your advice
Thank you all for your advice and support. I'm really happy that I joined this site, you're all great and supportive!
StepAside--- You are
StepAside--- You are ABSOLUTELY spot on!!!!!
(stands up & claps for SA!!!!!)!
OP-- I agree! Its YOUR house!
Yeah, but my husband says
Yeah, but my husband says that this is OUR house. His mine, SDs' and baby's. :O