Need some feeback please.......
Can I get some feedback on this. It was kinda weird to me and I am not sure if I am making a big deal out of it or not. Yesterday Easter we had a great time we had the family over and everything was perfect. Couldn’t have asked for a better day. Once everyone left it was around 7pm I went in to clean up the house and SD14 helped out. SO stayed outside cleaning up and putting tables up. I asked him to have some “us time” we haven’t had 5 seconds of alone time in a month. SD14 moved in with us full time and she has been up our butts 24/7 she won’t watch TV in her room or do anything by herself. She inserts her opinion in every conversation we have. This is nothing new but at least I had a week off break before now its full time 24/7. The only time we have is when she is asleep and even then its not much because I go to bed before SO does. This last week she was on break so SO let her stay up as late as she wanted so there went the few minutes we may have had there.
SO lights some candles and sets them on the patio table we have a nice covered deck. We sat outside together watching the storm it was nice. SD gave us about 15 mins before she comes out. SO told her to stay inside because we were having alone time. She goes off and pouts. He can’t stand it and follows her inside and kisses her ass for five minutes, comes back out and I was even fine with it. I figured she isn’t used to it so no big deal. He stays out with me for another 15 mins and goes back inside to kiss ass again. At this point I was irritated and just went in the house. I figured oh well he tried it’s a step in the right direction and let it go. I go to bed and some time passes and I don’t hear them in the house its about 9:30 by now. I go outside and they are out on the deck sitting and talking just like SO and I were . I was like WTF??
So I say its 9:30 aren’t you coming to bed? He comes in and says well I spent time with you now I am spending time with her. Really SO?? You have to equally spend alone time with me and your daughter?? Or should I say mini-wife?? It just pissed me off so bad and I told him exactly what I thought. I told him it was weird and SD and I aren’t on the same level she is not my equal. He said I was over reacting and got pissy with me and now I am not even speaking to him.
I vented to my sister and of course got the whole oh he’s just being a good dad. Its not SD’s fault she just wanted time with him. I was like WTF she is up his ass 24/7 how much more time does she need ?? I just wanted an hour that’s it and that is too much to expect??? Uggggg this step life sucks!!!!!
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Thank You It helps to just
Thank You
It helps to just know someone knows how I feel
That's messed up. She acts
That's messed up. She acts the way she does because he rewards it. She acts prissy about you getting alone time and he rewards her with her own alone time.
You aren't two children he is balancing. You are his wife and she is his child. She shouldn't get alone time like that until she can accept you and dh being alone without acting like a brat. He should have let her go pout on her own and finish his time with you.
That is what I thought too
That is what I thought too then she sees that he is serious and that we have boundaries with her. She has none now she feels entitled to everything we do or anywhere we go!!! I have to sneak out of the house to be able to run an errand by my self!!!
I guess I just needed some
I guess I just needed some validation
I mean I even was ok with him kissing her ass the first time :sick: just made me sick to even type that out!!! We aren't married but when discussing the honeymoon SD said it wasn't fair that we would go on a trip without her :? :? It just skeeves me out that she was sitting there where I was in the same chair with the same blanket. Creepy that he felt that he had to give her equal time too. I am just sick about it. It was like a lighting bolt struck me and I see the future this kid isn't going anywhere she will be living with us for the rest of her life!!!
Just twigged...my ss14 is
Just twigged...my ss14 is actually a mini wife, he follows DH everywhere...last year we were in a supermarket queue and he reached his arms up for a cuddle...my jaw hit the floor!you cannot sacrifice adult time because it reinforces the idea you are not worthy of respect x
Your sister doesnt understand
Your sister doesnt understand the dynamic..
I live this every day....
read my blogs ....my DH really does treat SD17 like his wife. he makes her dinner plate, cleans up her messes, has secret conversations with her, allows her to have different rules from the other kids in the house. when they go out its like a date with little fb picture of them together. the secrets are what really hurts and makes me not even want to look at him. Ive even caught him discussing my marriage with her...so now I discuss what is appropriate for my kids to know about our marriage as well and yeah it doesnt make him happy.
I dont know what to tell you to do because I know for my DH it just goes on and on and on...if I address it its dead panned anyway with out even so much as an acknowledgement.
I have finally gotten through his head over the years that his relationship with her is not a normal father daughter relationship, but have been unsuccessful at getting him to correct it
Yes. SS13 is a mini wife also
Yes. SS13 is a mini wife also - or at least wishes he was, but DH is very uncomfortable with the amount of physical affection his son is after. It used to be that every time DH would hold my hand or hug me, SS would try to slip his way in there. If I let go of his hand to do something or dig in my purse, SS would grab it.
The older SS gets, the less DH tolerates it as he thinks its a bit weird. Now the "I love you dad" X10 doesn't seem to bother DH at all. Although I've pointed out to him that it's a little odd and needy and he is encouraging a poor behavior when he responds more than once. Dh is still working on that one and seems to get annoyed at the third time.
Here's a funny one. My bios are always at their Dad's on Thursday nights, but SS is at home with us. We've turned that into our Date Night as of a few months ago. We usually just go out to eat and spend 1-2 hours away from the house while SS does his homework. We had the flu on a Wed/ Thurs one week a while back and decided that we'd bring SS with us out to grab some pho (vietnamese noodle soup) after we picked SS up from school at 5.
Anyway, now every Thursday when we tell him it's date night, he asks if he's going or tries to hint around that he wants to come. Thankfully, that is not an option in DH's mind and he basically laughs at him and tells him no.
So, as much as SS would like to be the mini-wife, DH is not up for it.
Alas DH doesn't seem to think
Alas DH doesn't seem to think it's odd that a nearly 15 year old boy is such a bloody big girl...it makes me cringe....I cringe alot lol!
We had date nights when SD
We had date nights when SD was at her BM's for the week. We never do anything when she is with us that doesn't include her. She would just assume she was coming with even if we tried to make plans without her.
I can't help but see SO in a whole new light and it is so disheartening
I'm actually very proud of DH
I'm actually very proud of DH for sticking to our date nights. He really looks forward to our time alone and it's nice. We are so busy on the weekends with the kids' activities and fixing up our new (very old) house that we typically don't get out much at all on our own.
This made me mad just reading
This made me mad just reading it. I am also trying to get my husband to understand there is a difference in myself and sd11 and he shouldn't try to be "equal" or "fair" between us. That is ridiculous.
I know!!!!! I try to explain
I know!!!!! I try to explain it then my sensible brain screams WTF are you doing??? NORMAL people already know this }:) }:)
Well at least you are picking
Well at least you are picking up on it early. I didn't and now it is worse and I am miserable. My SD is 36 years old and it never stopped. She is married and still wants to be the mini wife.
I did see it right away but
I did see it right away but was always believing that he was doing better taking small steps to becoming more of a parent. Last night blew all of that out of the water for me.
I would perhaps consider
I would perhaps consider putting the marriage off for a while...and tell him why...and then see if he makes any changes. Be honest with him, take him to a marriage counselor, let them tell him you aren't equals if that's what it takes, for him to hear from someone else that this is screwed up. Or you could talk to your SO and insist on a date night...tell him you need an entire night to yourselves once a week, without SKID, see how receptive he is to that. That should tell you something about your future.
Good advice and it was
Good advice and it was exactly what I was kinda thinking. Counseling for him and then both of us, he truly has no clue how screwed up this all is!!
wow!!! I would have flipped
wow!!! I would have flipped out to discover that. What did he say to you when he went into check on her? Maybe you need to set a date night with him outside of the house? And structure some times with him each day that she cannot interrupt, maybe ask him to go to bed early with you to cuddle and chat a little?
This is a tricky situation because you're not jealous of the stupid kid, you're simply annoyed with how HE treats you and her. My guess is that he will try to accuse you of being unreasonable and jealous so that it will look like you've got a problem or something.
I totally agree with you and
I totally agree with you and I do this all of the time. I asked for an hour of his time last night and got about 20 mins total in between kissing SD's ass. I don't need SO to fill my time, I have hobbies and friends and plenty to do. I feel that if I ask for his attention I should get it no interruptions to kiss ass to a bratty kid.
I was going to type this same
I was going to type this same thing! Yes, yes, yes! If he can't make time for you when he has his kids - then you don't have time for him when the kids are away and he wants to get laid. Trust me - he'll get it eventually! Next night that the kids are gone - you be gone too! Make plans with someone else and don't fight about it. Just be nonchalant - "oh, was it date night? I totally forgot!" The more you show him you DON'T NEED HIM the more he will chase you.
Yikes, sorry newstep.. I get
Yikes, sorry newstep.. I get how you're feeling, though. I only have to deal with it EOWE, though, so I can manage and I just give up my spot in DH's life for the skids for those 4 days/week. You, on the other hand, have her there full time.. I don't know how I would handle that. I think I would have to sit DH down and have a serious talk with him about how it made me feel that she was basically being put on the same level as me, his wife. While I want and even encourage him to spend as much time (one on one time, even) with skids, there must be a distinction that lets them know just because I get X amount of time doesn't equal them getting the same amount of time. How tiring for DH to have to keep up with that anyway, don't you think? He would forever be keeping and checking a schedule.
SD is like that with her DH.. she is up his ass 24/7. Yesterday, my mom made a nice, big lunch for Easter. We all met there after church. BS has not been feeling well and a little cranky, so he fell asleep as soon as we got home, and DH decided to stay home with him while the rest of us went. SD decided she didn't want to go, she wanted to stay with daddy instead. When I got home, the second I walked in the door she said "Where's my Easter basket from grandma? And where is my plate of food?" I laughed and asked her if she was serious.. "Yes.. I'm starving! And I saw BS11 and SS6 with stuff from her, so where is mine?" I said, "Well, if you were that hungry you should have come with me.. the food was all gone.. it was so good everyone ate it all up.. and those treats aren't from grandma.. her next door neighbor came over and brought those goodies.. they were extra's she had left over from her Sunday School class today.. sorry you missed out!"
She was pissed and pouted in her room for the rest of the afternoon. Brat!
She's 14, she should have a
She's 14, she should have a set bedtime, even if it's half an hour or an hour later during holidays. ANY parent needs some child free time each day, and especially a stepparent getting used to having a child around full time. It's really important for your relationship that you have some alone time, and if she's not the sort to spend time by herself then ringfencing evenings is essential.