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I no longer know what to do!!!

diddoback1100's picture

Submitted by diddoback1100 on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 10:25am

Me and my DH have been together for many years. My DH has a BD the same age as my BD. My SD7 and BD7 have never really gotten along but tolerated each other but now that they are at this age they just constantly fight and argue. SD7 is very sneaky and lies a lot. Which we have both caught her in many of them. Let me also tell you that we have custody of SD7. We have gotten into many of arguments because of her (more of DH yelling at me for SD losing things and ect.). I love my SD and want nothing but the best for her. I just wish SD could stay with her BM. Her BM is to irresponsible to this day even when I tried to help her get on her feet so that would not be a healthy environment for SD. I feel a resentment growing towards SD and I want it to stop. SD even kicked my BD in the stomach yesterday. and SD also likes to hide mine and BD stuff from us. As far as SD and BD's memories goes back its always been all of us together. DH and I now have BS2 and one more to come. And this isn't even the tip of the iceberg with SD. There are so many mean hateful moments from SD to BD. I have left DH one time though b/c things with SD got to bad to bear. BD says she hates SD and wants to move now. What do I do? I love DH and the life we have made. How can I fix this?

Comments

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 11:06am

Do the girls have the same rules & consequences? Does DH feel 'bad' for his daughter when consequences are given & let her out of it? With them being the same age- I think the inly way to make it work are the same rules, consequences & rewards for good behaviour. That means you & DH Have to be in this 100% on the same page!!! Are you?

Hang in there & vent away!! Seek counseling Only from a counselor who is well versed about stepfamily life!!

diddoback1100's picture

Submitted by diddoback1100 on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 2:14pm

He does feel bad but does not let up most of the time. and they do get the same consequences and rewards but SD hardly gets rewarded because of her behavior she always is in trouble. So she sees my DH get rewards for doing as shes told and getting money for always having straight A's and ect. but she just gets more defiant when she sees my DH get rewarded.

amber3902's picture

Submitted by amber3902 on Thu, 03/21/2013 - 11:08am

As someone else on this board often says - The problem is not your SD, the problem is your husband. It's not your problem to fix, your DH needs to control his daughter and sending SD away is not the answer.

If DH refuses to parent his daughter I can't see how you can continue to let your dear daughter be treated like this!!

Your daughter is miserable and is being physically harmed. Whose happiness is more important to you - yours or your daughters?

diddoback1100's picture

Submitted by diddoback1100 on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 2:24pm

Dh does punish his BD but sometimes I feel that he goes to far with it. Not abusive or putting her in danger but punishments that I would not give her myself and I punish her the same as I would my own DD. My DD loves my DH and is happy we have him and she has a good time when they go out somewhere just them 2 but when my SD is around she gets mad and just wants her to leave. My DD hardly gets in trouble unless she is playing with SD because SD is so mean to her and sometimes she is unfair to SD for no reason. by no means is my DD innocent 100% of the time. and my DD is a tough little 7 year old. she can take a lot and me and my DH have both told her that if someone including my SD is trying to harm her to defend herself. She is 8 inches taller than my SD. But she understands the difference of defending herself and just straight up hurting someone out of hate. She usually gets me to fix the problem and I do but sometime my SD hurts her before she can get me or my DH. Which the my SD will get in trouble. Its just I don't know how to stop it for good.

diddoback1100's picture

Submitted by diddoback1100 on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 2:27pm

I wasn't completely clear. My BD doesn't want to move away from all of us. She wants all of us including my DH to move away from my SD.

diddoback1100's picture

Submitted by diddoback1100 on Sat, 03/30/2013 - 2:06pm

I am trying to discipline SD but the more discipline she receives the more defiant she becomes. The other day we all went out shopping and SD decided to start throwing fits and screaming in the mall and my DH told her since she was acting this way she was getting nothing and he just bought my DD things she wanted because she kept a good attitude even when we told her no to some of the things she wanted. It is hard to keep the punishments and the rewards the same because then SD gets no kind of praise or rewards. He has told me that I am SD's mother and I can punish her how I see fit. He does step up and and get onto her most of the time but I can understand where it just gets tiresome because I get sick of her always being in trouble to. I have started to take my DD out on just mommy/daughter days and she loves it.

When SD is gone my DD does miss her sometimes but most the time she's happy to be without her. My DD also loves her step father to pieces and doesn't want to leave him she just wants my SD gone. She tells us that she considers her family to be me my DH and her BB not my SD. My DH is even more relaxes without his BD here. But by no means could I ever agree to her living anywhere else but with us. I know we are giving her the best life we can compared to how she would be treated with her BM. Which she lives 2 doors down and hasn't seen my SD in over a 2 weeks.

I'm thinking maybe I should take SD to a counselor because maybe theres some issues about her BM not being involved in her life. This is all just so confusing for me and the older she gets the worse it becomes.

There are so many things I could vent about concerning my SD but it would just take forever. It just seems like the more me and my DH correct her the more defiant and whiny she becomes.

My DD can be a a$$ most of the time but I know that he means well. He doesn't yell at me abusively but he has to vent as do I to him but not as badly. He tells me he doesn't know what to do anymore with his BD and he doesn't know why she has become to behave the way she does. and that also frustrates him but not as badly as it does myself.

I feel like i'm rambling and jumping from topic to topic but it all comes down to I love my SD to death but i'm getting sick and tired of her and starting to dislike her ALOT!!!...but at the same time want nothing but the best for her. If that made any sense.