That high road gets really lonely sometimes! My SD is older, 14, but I've learned the best response to her when she relays something negative that her mom says about me is "well, since you spend much more time around me than your mom does, I'll let you decide if that's a true statement or not". This puts it back in my SD's court to come to her own conclusions about me and I think it does it in a way that doesn't bash her mom.

It may not work as well when they're younger but you can try something similar maybe.

I have to physically bite my tongue or my cheek sometimes to keep from saying something. But so far I've managed to never say a negative thing about either bio mom.

Hardest day ever was last Valentines Day... Ss's tenth birthday. I sent a whole party to school to surprise SS at lunch so he had pizza, chips, sods and cake with his friends. Then all the kids got v-day candy when they got home. Then we did ice cream cake and presents for SS. All planned and paid for by me. Bio mom came to our house....first time seeing him in over two years. She came empty handed...not even a card. Stayed for half an hour. I had to hear about how his mom coming was the best part of his birthday for about two weeks. Forget all the time effort and money I put into his birthday...not even a thank you out of him....but his mom just showing up was like she hung the moon and stars for him.

Haven't heard from her since and its been a year and s half....but she's the greatest.

My mom did the whole "let them find out on their own" thing as far as what kind of person our dad was. In later years (after getting back in touch with him), Dad on the other hand had no qualms with his then wife bad-mouthing my mother.

I can tell you now that all of my siblings respect her for how she handled being left on her own with their SIX kids with no support from the alcoholic (now sober) that we call dad.

I have joked in recent that she "could have at least warned us" & we have a laugh about it.

Trust me, I know how hard it is...I bite my tongue all the time with the SKids regarding their BM (Nasty)...you are doing the right thing. Hopefully, your SKids see it (one day) & come to appreciate you even more for your class and self control.

It is hard, isn't it? I agree with not bad mouthing the BM, which we did not do. We knew SD would figure it out on her own. She has, but her loyalty still lies with BM, even after BM has tried to break up her marriage and has called family services on her.

All the crap BM was saying about us, really hurt my husband's relationship with his daughter (it didn't help my relationship with her but I am not concerned about that). It is a no win.

For years, SD kept the things her mother told her to herself, which I think allowed her to build up a good resentment towards me and my husband.

It really sucks because telling SD the truth, is basically calling BM a liar, which she is, but.....

My husband still says very little about BM, but after SD (now 21) tells him something BM has done or said to her, I've heard him say a couple of times, "Well, that's your mom. She is psycho." And SD says, with a sigh, "I know."