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What do you think about joint birthday parties for the kids?

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:13pm

a) Do you think they're inappropriate,

or b) Do you think they're ok, and that it's the kids' birthday, let them have what they want, a time without the SP and having to deal with all this stepfamily garbage?

I know this is an issue that has come up here- a lot. I know many SKs have been upset when this stops. And I can understand why they'd be upset in a way. Just one more sign that mom and dad are never getting back together. And I think a lot of kids enjoy being able to see both mom and dad on their birthday. Many kids do not want to see the SP, and it's their birthday, so we should give them what they want.*

*Note: I'm not saying that is right on the skids parts, but I think we can agree that many sks do not like to see their SPs and would feel especially unhappy to see the SP on their birthday.

I feel ok about joint birthday parties. Granted, I wouldn't want them held at my house or my DH going to BMs house. But if they were held in a neutral location of the birthday girl's choosing, I wouldn't mind, because it is a neutral location and a lot of people will be there. My SDs and I actually get along and they've told me they want me there :jawdrop: Smile but there have been emergencies where I just couldn't make it. ANd unfortunately, BM never goes. It is always DH and BM's parents hosting these events for dozens of teenage girls.

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:15pm

I think it is ok if ALL parent and SP get along and there is no tension between them. This sadly does not happen very often.

Certainly not in my case.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:29pm

Yes, sometimes they do work. But it is not the norm.

And if there is tension, I am sure it is better for the kid to have separate parties so it will be fun and not tense.

I could see BM in our house (or anywhere) trying to have a good time. UGH…she would get in a minimum of 5 to 10 passive aggressive comments about how horrible of a person DH is. So it this case it is better to not have them together.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:30pm

I agree with Willow -- if everyone gets along, or at least can be civil to one another then it's probably OK.

After my DH and I had been dating for a year he asked me to attend SK's b-day party with him. Disaster. The BM vascillated between rude and condescending with me and given the situation it was pretty tough to just try to avoid her. It was so bad that other people started feeling uncomfortable for me. I vowed to NEVER do that again.

From then on, my DH decided to have a separate birthday celebration. Thank God.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:34pm

I think they CAN work... but it is rare.

Even if it wasn't completely uncomfortable for the parents and kids invovled, the other guests probably wouldn't know how to react. I know that when BM and I are chit chatting at ball games or whatever, people don't really know how to react.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:41pm

Took years to get to this point, and I still think she is a moron.... I just tell her less frequently now to keep the peace Wink

Gabriels Mom's picture

Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:34pm

We always invite BM, her DH and her mom and they never come. I can be in the same room with her, I don't care.

It COULD be because SS and DS have joint bday parties. They each get their own fancy cake, decorations, balloons, etc. They bdays are 10 days apart and very close to Christmas. I think it's unfair to ask our family members to come in to town two weekends in a row right before christmas. The boys don't seem to mind. The places where we have the parties work for both the kids and they have a blast.

doll faced sm's picture

Submitted by doll faced sm on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:40pm

DH is dearly hoping to have SS for his birthday this year. If that happens, SS and baby DD will likely have a joint birthday unless DH decides otherwise.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:43pm

My sister and her ex-husband did it for years and it worked fine.

My husband will not be in the same room as BM. He does not hate her, but he refuses to be around somebody who has done to him what she has.

TASHA1983's picture

Submitted by TASHA1983 on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 2:54pm

Me personally, I would never want to be apart of anything that BM hosted or attended for skid as far as a b-day etc. is concerned. And my BF is on the same boat on that. They may have had a kid together but they are not together so seperate parties etc it is! Smile THANK GOD!!!

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 3:28pm

I've seen and been there too much tension for the kids. They don't have fun as they thinking about what Mon and sad will say or do each other. There should not GE any joint anything as it just doesn't work for the kids.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 03/06/2013 - 3:58pm

I disagree in that I don't necessarily think that it makes the kid think/contributes to the kid's thinking that Mom and Dad will get back together. However, if BM is a PASinator, that is different.

I think that if everyone gets along ok, sometimes repeating "it's just for a few hours" to oneself is a good idea.

young but wise's picture

Submitted by young but wise on Thu, 03/07/2013 - 12:13pm

I have a 5 year old SS. For the first 3 Bdays, SO and I had a party for our family, and BM and her BF (different one each time) had one for their families. For his 4th bday BM and my MIL wanted a joint bday party. MIL said that she thinks it would be special to SS if both his parents were together for his birthday. Up until this point we were highly against it for a few reasons. 1) We all didn't ALWAYS get a long 2) I didn't feel right inviting my family to her house 3) We wanted to do it our way. (On the invitation to the joint bday party BM put BYOB and warm clothes for the bon-fire) Sorry but why would you tell people to bring their own beer to your 4 YEAR OLD CHILDS party???? It turned out ok. Most of the time we talked to her BF because she said her meds made her sick and slept from 5-9. The party was from 4-whenever. She was only awake for an hour of the party and then woke up right before we left. I know he had fun but I don't think he even cared that they were both their. I think he would have loved to just have another party at our house as well. I know that we will have seperate parties this year because we aren't all getting along any more and we would like to throw a kid friendly party with some classmates and stuff. We want him to be the center of the party instead of a bunch of adults sitting around talking and telling him not to interrupt. Another issue we had was that BM thought she should keep ALL of the gifts that he got at her house. 1) We should be able to take ours and our side of the families 2) He is at our house 90% of the time.