What does bedtime mean to you?

I've come to realize that FDH and I have two different interpretations of bedtime. I think that when SD11's 10PM bedtime comes around, that means she should be in bed. Teeth brushed, pajamas on, lights out... BED. He seems to believe that's when you tell the kid to get ready for bed.

The problem with this disconnect is that SD11 doesn't like to go to bed. So the drama starts at freaking TEN PM and lasts usually at least 30 minutes to an hour. Last night, she walked into the living room whining for Dadeeeeee (who had nodded off sitting straight up on the couch)at midnight.

But it made me wonder what everyone else here considers bedtime and if disconnections on the meaning cause you issues.

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Bedtime at our house is 8:30

Bedtime at our house is 8:30 for SD9 & SS8 and I wouldnt have it any other way.
BD12 and SD13 are usually out by 10PM so that seems really late for an 11 yo's bedtime.
My BF gets up early and works hard so he's usually passed out by 8:30 and I just put them to bed myself which I dont mind.They dont fight it though.
I would make her bedtime 9PM if your DH will help enforce it.
And Id help the whiny little to turd of to lala land by slipping a melatonin in her food at dinner.
But then Im evil like that. }:)

I agree that it's late for

I agree that it's late for her age,espcially when she has extreme difficulty getting out of bed. And what's worse is that she isn't actually IN bed at that time. I am trying to pick my battles these days. I am having a hard time with bedtime because that's one thing that does directly impact me. It's a long whiny/yelly process and FDH won't put his foot down with her on much. So not even having an hour to ourselves late night is a problem for me. Not sure how to address.

You are actually fortunate that you have a say in it. If I was in charge of bedtime it would be much different. But I am not.

Bedtime is a big deal to me

Bedtime is a big deal to me because thats when we get our quiet time (when BF isnt crashed out of course) and no kid shall screw with it.
Im very lucky that BF already had this established before I came along thank god.One of the few things he enforces.
Have you talked to DH about how important it is that the two of you spend time alone in the evenings?
Or bringing up how difficult it is for her to get up in the AM? Lack of sleep has been proven to affect school performance,maybe he will care about that?

It's not THAT wrong,

It's not THAT wrong, Melatonin is naturally produced in your body anyway, it's not like you'd be giving them OxyContin.

i talked to bs's dr last

i talked to bs's dr last month about his horrific behavior that he displays much too often and what can we do about it. he told me to give him melatonin to calm him down. we already have that on hand, i just didn't know if it was ok for kids under 12, but we've been using it once a day on his bad days, and it works beautifully.

Melatonin is great,just a low

Melatonin is great,just a low dose of 3mg does the trick beautifuly.We give it to SD9 and SS8 who has ADHD every night an hour before bed.
It calms them down very nicely and they usualy fall asleep watching TV before their 8:30 bedtime.I take it myself and definatley would reccomend it.

Aaah bedtime. My favorite

Aaah bedtime. My favorite time of the day. I have a very established night time routine. 7 pm and kids can watch TV, play video games, etc while they wait their turn to take showers. WE have a full house: SS13, BD12, BS10 and BS9 and I had a very established routine prior to blending families.

At 8 pm, EVERYONE retires to their rooms. Kids are allowed to read in their beds, or do something quietly in their room, listen to music, etc. The younger ones usually climb right into bed while the older two might take a while to get settled, but everyone is usually asleep by 9.

This was far from the case when SS was alone with DH. The kid had no bedtime.

oh to dream.... That sounds

oh to dream.... That sounds so nice.

You should see the weekends here. (The 10PM thing is for school nights!) It's a little better now after many arguments with me saying stuff like "I am sorry but I shouldn't have to deal with an 11-year old at 1:30AM". So now her weekend bedtime is midnight. And then the shenanigans begin. Crazy town. But at least there is a time now. Before, she was outlasting us.

Recently, I was very sick and woke up to get water. She was up at 3AM! Apparently, he forgets bed time altogether if I am not there to start looking at my watch.

Back her bedtime to 9. No

Back her bedtime to 9. No reason a kid that young should be up till 10pm especially on a school night. And if she wants to drag shit out, back it up 5 mins for every minute past 9 she's not in bed!!!!!!!!!!

He and BM think they are

He and BM think they are being good parents with this 10PM thing.Seriously, this is an improvement. I am at a loss.

I need to talk to him about it before I explode next visit. But not sure how to approach.

I am jealous of all of you -

I am jealous of all of you - SS13 has no bedtime here or at BM's house. He typically passes out around 3 or 4 am (seriously). And he likes to camp on our couch for the entire weekend without moving watching True Blood. Our bedroom is off the living room and I have a 4 year old so you can imagine how fun that is for me.

^^^Red - why???????????????

^^^Red - why??????????????? WHY ?????????????????

I had a flat out melt down

I had a flat out melt down about it - SS13 was playing True Blood while DH was there with DD4 and I was not. When I walked in the room she was asking DH to turn the "scary show" over and over with no response. Why you ask? Because SS13 might not like it. Luckily I was downstairs in the laundry room so she saw very little of it.

After going completely nuts on DH, it has "improved" so that now SS13 only watches True Blood after 10 pm when DD4 is asleep and if he cusses DH will tell him not to. Like 300 times per weekend, but no repercussions at all. He still sleeps on the couch all weekend long and won't sleep in his bedroom and I've had $400 electric bills because he goes to sleep at 3 or 4 am with every light on in a large house because he is scared. The "improvements" have been in place for two weekends - I just told DH that SS13 can stay at BM's if he isn't required to sleep in his room and at a reasonable hour so he doesn't disturb the rest of the house.

That is exactly how it was

That is exactly how it was here until I started getting fed up--3AM weekends was not uncommon!

But the improvements are not enough. If she were in bed, heading for sleep by 10 weekdays and 12 weekends (her bedtimes), I could live with it. But bedtime is a couple hour event some/most times. I clearly need to sit this man down and discuss this. And so do you. I thought I had made progress on agreed upon times until I realized just now that we think that means two different things. When you discuss this with your man, make sure you're clear on what you mean by the word "bedtime".

I agree - and yep, DH nd BM

I agree - and yep, DH nd BM have both watched it. I won't allow it on when DD4 is awake, obviously. His kids have ZERO rules and mouths like truckers (another battle that I've had -I'd prefer DD4 didn't hear cusswords every other sentence out of SS13's mouth). Whatever, SS13 is failing school so they allowed him to HOME SCHOOL alone, is so out of control, BM has called us saying she was going to call 911 on him, and no rules, restrictions, guidance, boundaries, or repercussions are placed on him whatsoever.

DH and BM's excuse for a long time was that SS13 was bipolar - his therapist just says no. It's not medical, its piss poor parenting.

OMG Red - How on earth do you

OMG Red - How on earth do you put up with that shit? I'd have taken my kid and walked!

I know - lots of posters on

I know - lots of posters on this board know that I have had one foot out the door for over a year. But this is my house so he'll have to leave. I have a default divorce agreement in place and any time I want to finalize it, it just takes submitting the correct judgement papers for the judge to sign. My girlfriends literally have a divorce party fund going for me, they want DH out of my life so bad.

Oh yes - I have been called

Oh yes - I have been called the "c" word by SS13 to DH's face - twice. No repercussions at all, except DH telling him not to.

If you knew how much I had done for this kid - trips, gifts, spending weekends with him without DH even here, shopping trips - he loved me, until BM didn't like it anymore. Then he hated me. But I make all the money around here, so the best part was that DH couldn't afford to buy SS13 a laptop that he's been wanting for more than a year. He seemed to look to me to buy it at Xmas this past year and kept dropping hints. Sorry - you are barking up the wrong tree. I made it quite clear that I don't buy anything for anyone who calls me filthy names. What a shocking personal boundary, right? lol.

Ohhhhhhhhh, if my Skids EVER

Ohhhhhhhhh, if my Skids EVER EVER called me ANY name, especially those names, I'd black out and end up in jail. Okay, maybe not that far, but I would literally not let them out of their bedrooms for the entire time they're in my house, and I would be pushing their food to them at the end of a broomstick on a tray because that is how much I would never want to see them again during that visit, and DH would NOT fuck with me if he ever in his life knew what was good for him. Obviously every electronic in the house would be confiscated and their rooms would be stripped of anything they would consider fun or entertaining. I would be hard-pressed to not give them a bucket to go to the bathroom in, but I'd probably figure, they can't get it into the toilet on the tile floor, why would I want them attempting to aim in a bucket on the carpet? That is the one button even the Semen Demons know not to push because that is when I go apeshit.

The problem is that none of

The problem is that none of the skids have EVER had any sort of punishment or restrictions for ANY behavior, it seems. I don't know about you, but with the stuff that SS13 has pulled - non stop cussing and name calling to his parents, failing school, etc, I would at least restrict him from watching the Kardashian's 24 hours a day. Not these two brainiacs. Instead BM puts him on multiple medication cocktails and DH puts his head in the sand.

I have told DH that I absolutely will not go toe to toe with SS13, unless he says anything or is mean to DD4 - and in that case I will go crazy on him and he will never come back. I think he subconciously knows this and so he hasn't been rude to her. He is a shit with unpredictable behavior who is not used to rules. He is DH's job.

Oh sweetie I wish you the

Oh sweetie I wish you the best. I do hope you're able to get on with your life and get out of that situation.

You are living something very

You are living something very close to my life. SD11 is out of control and they are blaming it on all sorts of stuff. Parenting? Nah, that's fine.

Not sure what approach works

Not sure what approach works best with your DH because I don't know him but this is what I did with my DH when SD14 was pulling that shit during her weeks with us:

DH and I sat down during our "alone" week and I told him there were several concerns I had with SD's 10pm bedtime.

1. She was consistently cranky and hard to wake up in the morning for school, causing DH to be late to work several times, which also put his job at risk

2. She was only 12 at the time, so I asked friends and family with kids that age what a reasonable bedtime should be and they all said 9, 9:30 at the latest on a school night

3. I pointed out that after she dragged out her shower, brushing her teeth, getting jammies on, etc - it was WELL past 10pm

4. He allowed her to read quietly in her room for 30 minutes PAST her bedtime, so in essence she really wasn't getting to SLEEP until almost midnight and had to be up and ready to go on school days at 6:30. NO where near enough sleep for a 12 yr old!

5. He allowed her to take her cell phone to bed with her. I was strongly against this as I heard her phone go off once at 3AM because she forgot to put it on vibrate. Come to find out, she was sitting up all hours of the night texting her friends and boyfriend.

So I said, let's just TRY backing her bedtime up and see if it makes a difference. Tell her at 9 to brush her teeth and start getting ready for bed and she can read for 30 minutes, NO MORE CELL PHONE in her room at night. Oh boy did she cry like a fucking baby when he told her that.

After a week of the new schedule, she was in bed by 9, lights out by 9:30 and I rewarded DH with a LOT more of our own bedtime fun! She woke up easier, wasn't as cranky in the mornings, he wasn't late for work anymore and guess what? He THANKED me!

Thank you. This is the exact

Thank you. This is the exact type of conversation I need to have.

The other issue is enforcement. He thinks I am saying he's a bad parent when I tell him he forgot to put the kid to bed an hour ago etc... So I need to ask him to set his alarm on his phone, if necessary. And she's supposed to have no electronics after 930 now but when she couldn't sleep, he let her play her DS in bed. ya.

The difficulty here is due to geography and work, we sometimes don't finish dinner till close to 9. But hey, it's a school night so suck it up.